A/N: For the love of all that is good and holy, stop reading this piece of crap. Seriously.

If you have to read it, just know this piece of crap was written over the course of six hours by three friends trying to make the worst, most absurd fanfic imaginable and we aren't even remotely sorry. So whatever. Read it. Maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll cry. I think I did both. Regardless, we had fun writing it and the boys insisted that I share the monstrosity with the world. It is unedited in all its disgusting glory, so yes there will be typos and yes the formatting will give you a headache. It's supposed to be a parody, deal with it.

So here it is. My glorious reentry into fanfiction. Review if you must, but flamers...ah what the heck. I don't give a crap. Flame away! We freaking deserve it.

Good Eru this is bad.

Jenyfer the Pretty Orc By: Daniel, Chelsea, and Matthew

"Her parents are orcs," Said Legolas. "How then am I so enraptured, enchanted, ect. in her beauty? She is a flower among thorns, a sun piercing through a clowdy sky, the crust on a mildly burnt pizza." He then put away his scope, giving out a long, heartfelt sigh as he trotted away on his horse, Starwatcher. Since the first time he had laid eyes upon her magnificent glory he had been enthralled, amazed, ect. But alas, their love was not to be. She was after all, an orc. His father would never approve, and hers was the dark lord Sauron. Family made things so complicated.
Of course, she didn't look like an orc at all. She was truly stunning, gorgeous, ect. She had long red hair and violet eyes like shining amethyst that sparkled in the light and could pierce to your soul and were very emotive and they turned red when she was angry. She had a perfect, curvy-but-still-skinny body and she looked kind of like Scarlet Johansen. She was the most beautiful orc in all the lands. Legolas didn't stand a chance against her prodigous allure, exquisiteness, ect.

Meanwhile, Jenyfer was in one of her six kitchens in her deluxe studio apartment that was also a castle, cooking her world-famous fettucini alfredo which has won thirty awards. As she put the pasta into the large steel pot, she caught a glimpse of her reflection, and almost dropped the pasta she was so stunned, but as she is so perfectly graceful she caught it before it touched the ground. She set the pasta to boil, and looked out her giant window at the surrounding city of Hawaii, Mordor. As she was surveying the gorgeous sunset / sunrise, her faithful falcon Ryan Renolds flew into through the window.

"Is it time for tea, Ryan Reynolds?" She asked, inquisitively. She really knew how to get to the bottom of something. "Yes, I have elerted the other animals. And Romaine." Said Ryan Renolds the handsome falcon, handsomely and with total class. They were totally meant for each other, and a power couple on par with Branjelina and Kimye. "Then let's get started!" and they both strolled into her coral-pink bedroom with much grace and class. Her bedroom was beautiful, with many windows that the various birds, deers, bisons, elks, fauns, unicorns, woodland creatures, mystical creatures, and other beautiful amnimals came through when she summoned them. "Animals of the world unite!" She yelled, in perfect pitch. "You sound just like Beyonce when you do that," remarked Ryan Reynolds, who had now shapeshifted into a human likeness of Ryan Renyolds. She then sat up on her bed as her woodland friends gathered around. There was Starwarrior the unicorn, Starprincess the pegasus, Startwinkle the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic pony, Starcloud the faun, Picachu the Pikachu, Tiera the chewawa, her best friend Romaine who was also an orc but not a pretty one like Jenyfer but she pretended that she was, and, of course, Ryan Reynolds, her shapeshifting boyfriend. -
"Well it looks like everyone is here," said Jenyfer musically, and all who heard her voice were overcome with delight at its magical tone. But just then there was a ruckus outside and suddenly appeared a magestic white stallion. It was her old friend Starwatcher! But what caught her attention right away was the man riding upon his shining back. Or not a man...an elf!
Jenyfer felt her warm and gentle heart flutter within her generous bosom, for he was beautiful indeed. The elf was tall and slim, with glorious golden hair and light blue eyes that seemed to pierce straight to her pure soul. He looked as surprised as they were that he was there, but at once his startling gaze fell upon her and he was struck speechless. Jenyfer smiled sweetly, and softly, ect at him.
"Hello there, I do not think we have met," she said kindly and gently and ect at him.
"No, you have not," Ryan Reynolds said jealously. He was jealous because Jenyfer was his beautiful, perfect girlfriend, and he didn't need no elfs gettin' up in his grill.
The elf leapt elegantly and gracefully from his glorious steed and stepped forward to meet them.
"I am Legolas Greenleaf Prince of the elves," he said, and his voice was like soft and supple velvet to her ears.
In that moment, Jenyfer knew suddenly that she and Legolas were bound together by destiny. She could feel their souls touch and join together in a powerful union. Ryan Reynolds glared at her jealously because he was jealous.
"Okay, I, uh, have to leave, I, uh, have a doctor's appointment at the dentist," Legolas said, obviously flustered at how stunningly gorgeous Jenyfer was.
"Oh, don't go, it's-" Jenyfer began to say, only to be cut off by her adoptive parents kicking in the door. "JENYFER!" her father yelled. "IS THAT AN ELF? WE ARE SWORN ENEMIES WITH THE ELFS! HE MUST LEAVE HERE AT ONCE!" Jenyfer, obviously mad because her eyes were now red, yelled at her father, "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD! MY FATHER IS THE LORD OF EVIL SAURON!" and ran downstairs, running past her parents and running down the stairs and running into the kitchen. It was here she noticed through her beautiful tears that she had left her fettucini toasting in the blender. She moved to take it out, and as she did she noticed Legolas standing behind her.

"That was brave how you stood up to your parents like that," Legolas said, in a sexy, breathy voice. "Like, literally SO BRAVE. I like a girl who stands up to the power. Like Ghandi standing up to Hitler, or Martin Luther nailing that paper on the door of the KKK and stuff like that.." while Jenyfer, now taking the fetachini out of blender and pooring it into the dish, listened intently. Turning around and placing her hands on his, she spoke with clearly while looking directly into his mountain-lake blue eyes, as she did her best to repress the energy pulsating from his hands to hers. "We can never be together. I have a boyfriend and am an ugly orc and you are a beautiful elf." "I know, but I love you and you are so, so beautiful because you don't even know it," Said the ever handsome and charming Legolas, but Jenyfer had so much self-control that she held back her love for him. "Goodbye Legolas. If my parents see you with me you they'll kill you, or worse, me." "I understand," Legolas said, and left. A teary-eyed Jenyfer took the fetuchini back up to her room in tears, for they were meant to be together.

She could feel the warmth of his touch slowly draining from her soft, slender fingers, only to be replaced by the warmth of the fettuccini. It wasn't the same, as wonderful as her glorious world famous fettuccini was. When she got back to her room, Jenyfer found that all of her friends had left and only Ryan Reynolds remained. He crossed his arms at her when she came in and glared jealously.
"Hello Ryan Reynolds, has everyone else gone?" Jenyfer asked sweetly and prettily and ect.
He leered at her meanly.
"Yes they have, I told them to go. We need to talk Jenyfer, my beautiful girlfriend," he said, and Jenyfer shivered at his cold tone.
"Why?" she asked elegantly.
"Because you love Legolas and not me," he said angrily.
Jenyfer lifted her chin definitely and defiantly.
"Yes I do because he loves me too and destiny has brought us together and I felt our souls become intwined together," she said.
Suddenly Ryan Reynolds yelled and jumped at her in a sudden Falcon Punch. Jenyfer dodged him with cat-like reflexes and threw her bowl of fettuccini at his face. The toasted and flambeed noodles hit her target perfectly, because of her flawless aim, and it gave Jenyfer time to run away. But soon she heard Ryan Reynolds chasing her and turning into a falcon.
No! She couldn't outrun a falcon!
But then Jenyfer remembered that she could turn into a wolf, and wolfs could always outrun falcons. So as she ran she turned magically and gracefully, ect into a huge, graceful white wolf with piercing blue eyes and off she ran into the setting sun. Behind her Ryan Reynolds shrieked in Falcon Rage with the rising sun behind him.

Easily outrunning Ryan Reynolds and his furious Falcon punches, Jenyfer ran crying into the forest. Turning back into a goddess-like orc, she sat uoon a tree stump and cried. A wandering woodland creature noticed this and offered her a kleenex, which she graciously accepted with poise. She blew her nose with it, which sounded like a note from a hundred angels' trumpets.
"Where does that beautiful, symphonic etc. sound come from?" a deliciously masculine voice said from somewhere.
"Legolas? Is that you?" jenyfer asked with a gorgeous voice. "Yes, my love, I am here for you," Legolas said.
Jenyfer can feel her soul mingling and intertwindling with legolas's already. He ran to her and they were holding hands in no time.

But not everything was not exactly how it was to be seemed. For the forest she had taken refuge in was enchanted with an evil enchantment that was bad and so that was not actual Legolas but a trick the enchanted forest was playing on her but she didn't know it. As he leaned in for a kiss, she touched her lips with his and was immediately knocked unconcious by the poison held in the forest because it was enchanted. She lay there frozen in the middle of the forest like a recently-picked rose that was frozen in the middle of a forest. -
One thing lead to another, and Jenyfer woke up to find herself in a dark chamber. She sat up slowly and looked around fearfully because she did not know where she was. Just then the door at the other end of the room swung open and light poured in from outside and there stood Sauron the Dark Lord of all that is evil.
"Daddy!" cried Jenyfer and she ran to hug her father even though he was a celestial being of pure energy and darkness.
"Hello Jenyfer," said Sauron the Dark Lord.
"How did I get here, Daddy," asked Jenyfer sweetly and kindly and ect.
"Germaine, your best friend the not as pretty orc found you in a forest that was enchanted with an evil enchantment and brought you back here. You were dead from the evil poison but your pure soul and perfect heart made the Allfather Odin revive you. Why were you not with your adopted parents?"
"Because they hate me and won't let me date my soulmate," she explained reasonably.
"Okay, I will send some orcs to kill them for treating you so unfairly. Who is your soulmate?"
Jenyfer became suddenly shy, but still confident, and she held her chin high as she answeredd meekly, "Legolas Greenleaf King of the Elfs."
"Oh. Well that's okay if you really love him then you can date him I guess," Said the dark lord Sauron.
"Oh thank you daddy now we don't have to be star crossed lovers separated by a foolish family feud that has nothing to do with us only to come together and die horrible deaths due to a series of unfortunate misunderstandings!" Cried Jenyfer joyously and full of joy.
And so Jenyfer went to find Loraine the not as pretty orc and her unicorn Starwarrior to carry her off to her one true love. -
Jenyfer finally found Charlemagne, the orc that isnt nearly as pretty as she she is - in fact, he is pretty revolting - but Jenyfer pretended to think he was sorta okay, like at least a 4. Together they rode their valiant and intelligent steed Starwars to the distant home of the elves, Murikawood. There, they followed route 66 up to I-5 and then down Rainbow Road until they reached Legolas' father's house, the White House.
Inside, Jenyfer asked a man where she could find Legolas, and the man replied "rofl idk maybe in the spherical office." Jenyfer thanked the man with elegant dignity and sophisticated beauty, and parked Starlord outside next to some red Volkswagon. After they ran up a flight of stairs, they reached a maze of stairs and doors and halls, but it's okay, Jenyfer has the ability to read minds and read the halls' minds to find needed to go, so they reached the spherical office in no time. Knocking on the door demurely a out where theynd musically, she enteredm to find not Legolas, but Legolas' father, President Barack Obama.

"I know what you're going to ask for, and my answer is yes. I know you love Legolas, then marry him. This is America: any two people who love each other should be able to marry, like for example the gays," said the ever intelligent and handsome Barack Obama, presidentially. "Thanks, Barrack Obama," said Jenyfer, "Do you know where he is?" "Here, let me get him," and Barrack Obama left the circular office to get Legolas, the elven emporer. While he was out, Jenyfer saw something on his table entitled Universal Healthcare-how do we do it?, and quickly scrawled some ideas down below the question mark. After she quickly sat down, after hearing them skip gleefully down the hall, Legolas entered the room, and finally they were together, together. "I want to be with you forever everlasting" said Legolas, and they kissed for like five minutes straight. "You two have my blessing-go get married," said Barrack. "Yes we're going to marry on the beach and then go surfing and go on a honeymoon to Paris, London and Isengard, Narnia and the Mall of America and then move into a studio apartment in downtown Hawaii with a pool and and rooms for all of my woodland friends." Said Jenyfer, in a quick, sophisticated ect tone of voice. "Well that's fine, so long as you can pay for it. I know this from my experience in government," said Barrack Obama, President of the United States of Mirkwood and the outer Realms. "Oh did I not tell you-Sauron my father just gave us $1000 so we are going to be rich for life." "Yay!" They all said in unison, like a choir of handsome and classy important people. "Well, don't let me keep you-go get married on the beach" Said the ever-black Barrack Obama, the greatest President ever, of all time, in perpetuity.

So Legolas and Jenyfer the pretty orc rode off together on Starwatcher on StarTrek to the beach where the sun was rising and Jenyfer put on her glorious, shining white princess style elegant and ultra expensive wedding dress and Legolas put on his ultra classy and handsome and sexy tuxedo and they walked onto the beach where a progressive female justice of the peace was waiting just for them. When they got to her though, she suddenly pulled off a mask and it was Ryan Reynolds Jenyfer's ultra jealous ex-boyfriend!
"Ha, I have caught you now, and I will kill you both for what you have done to me!" he shouted with an evil glint in his admittedly beautiful eyes.
And suddenly he pulled out an AK-47 and started to shoot at them, but they were both too fast. Legolas did back flips and spun his swords so fast that the bullets could never hit him. Jenyfer went into some mad breakdancing skills that avoided every rapid fire bullet.
Ryan Reynolds stopped shooting to say, "Dang, them's some mad breakdancing skills. I can get jiggy with this sickness."
Legolas took the opportunity to lunge at Ryan Reynolds and throw away his AK-47.
"No! You have robbed me of my weapon of choice," shouted Ryan Reynolds, "JK I have a battle-axe in my back pocket!"
And he pulled it out and suddenly Ryan Reynolds and Legolas Greenleaf God of the elfs were captured in an epic battle to the death. Jenyfer watched on in horror and a bit of pride that she was so popular. Just then, Barack Obama appeared in a big black army helicopter with a giant rocket launcher that he shot at Ryan Reynolds.
"Noooooooo, I am defeated!" he shouted as the giant hole in his beautifully sculpted chest slowly killed him.
"Yes, we are free to love one another at last rather than be held apart by circumstances of birth or previous relationships!" cried Jenyfer and Legolas at the same time, "Thank you Barack Obama!"
And Barack Obama saluted them before riding his majestic helicopter off into the sunset.

After the crazy battle of soul and wits that took place upon the fair beach of Miami, Hawaii, Mordor, the two raupturous and also very intellectual lovers rode upon their fair steed Starbomb and found yet another, this time real, progressive female justice of the peace, and returned to Maimi, Colorado, Mordor, to the fair beach where Ryan Renolds was still dying a terrible, slow death due to the gaping hole where his chest used to be. Jenyfer rubbed the genie's bottle she had been carrying with her all her life for a moment just like this, and asked the genie to summon a beautiful wedding ceremony. The genie did.

At the altar, the ever perfect and also awesome Jenyfer, and the amazingly sexy Legolas stood facing each other. The female justice of the peace, which is a very forward thinking concept, asked Legolas: "Legolas Romeo Greenleaf, do you take Jenyfer Juliet Darklord to be your lawful wedded wife?" And legolas said "I do."

"Jenyfer Juliet Darklord, do you take Legolas Romeo Greenleaf, Glorious Leader and supreme deity of the elfs, to be your lawful wedded husband?" and Jenyfer said tearfully but with good back posture, "Yes I do."
Then they kissed for like at least 45 hours, and Tyrainne the disgustingly hideos orc smiled and waved the whole time.

All of their friends and mystical amnimals watched their passionate made-out session with tongue, but tastefully, and their spirits entertwining in a bind that would never, ever break. As their lips finally separated, everyone stood up and applauded, for it was the greatest kiss of all time. And at that moment, Ryan Reynolds whispered, "Truly they were meant to be together," and gave out his last breath. After the applause died down and all of the fettuchiniini was eaten, Jennifer the pretty orc said, "Let's go surfing!" So her and Legolas went and got a surfboard and went out to surf. "I haven't surfed before," said Legolas. "That's OK, neither have I!" Said Jenyfer, "But that's OK-I've seen people do it on TV and sometimes also when I go to the beach". So they both got on surfboards and quickly caught the hang of surfing. "Wow, this is pretty fun!", yelled Legolas over at Jenyfer. "You know what would make it even more fun?" Asked Jenyfer, and she jumped from her surfboard onto his, aiming hers so it would go to shore, which it did, perfectly. And suddenly a big wave hit, and as they caught the wave, they kissed like they do in movies. "This is the greatest moment of my life," said Jenyfer, between sexy, sexy kisses. And the both of them surfed out into the sunrise and had a great honeymoon and lived happily in their studio apartment in San York Vegas, Hawaii, Mordor with all of their spiritual woodland friends and Zorainne, the orc they pretended was on the same level as Jenyfer.

The Ernd.

Still not sorry. Deal with it.