A/N: I talked and thought a lot about 4.3 and even if there is much more to say about it in the moment for me the biggest problem is the change in the relationship of Anna and John. Of course Anna has to be different, but after that they are no longer a team and not equals anymore. I missed that very much and because of that I wrote this story. I hope you enjoy it.

Thanks so much to Small Hobbit for the beta and Vaysh for your passion for fanfiction and Franzi for her distinct and helpful feedback and Paddy for his patience.

Enjoy, and please leave a review.

Disclaimer: John, Anna, and Downton Abbey don't belong to me. / I don't own Downton Abbey. It belongs to Julian Fellowes.

*I used the original lines by Julian Fellowes. I have no rights to those words or the characters.

My own life

There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. Leonard Cohen

Prologue

She was furious. How could he yell at her in the servant's room in front of all these people. The last months were full of grief, heavy and long work and no laughing at all. What was wrong with playing cards? Anna knew that it may look a little bit odd to scream and laugh with another man but she was cross with John. He should have known that he was the only man she would ever love but playing cards with another man should be allowed.

She wanted to speak to John but of course there was no time left on a day with so many visitors in the house. The first time they met again was at the concert and she was really tired and finished at that time and only slightly angry anymore. But she had a bad headache and was looking forward for having some time of her own in the kitchen. They would have time at home for a small fight and perhaps a huge reconciliation. John loved her but he was sometimes so insecure with himself that this was making trouble for them. In this way they still needed to get to know each other better. She smiled to herself when she gave some thought to another occasion. They had had a night out and went to the pictures and met an old friend of hers and John was the whole time caught between trying to socialise and being annoyed because of the somehow spoiled evening just for the two of them. Anna understood him. They had so little time to themselves but she also liked company and John never really understood the joy in this. Anna thought about having more practise. It helped in a lot of ways, so perhaps it would be very helpful to have once a month a cheerful card evening in the servant's hall. It would not be easy to convince either Mr. Carson or John but it should be fun.

She liked this idea very much and smiled about her daydream of John's sour face when she explained to him about future shouting and laughing which would include him when Mr. Gillingham entered the kitchen.

Anna felt uneasy when he offered her alcohol and she started to feel anxious when he insulted John. She was shocked and her heart was beating so fast and she never felt so terrified in her life when he hit her and she had to recognize that she was weaker than him. She fought for her life, she screamed and tried to bite him but he was so strong and her head felt like it would explode if she moved it anymore. When he slammed her against the table she caught a small knife and managed to hurt his arm. But he got even more furious and slammed her against the floor. He ripped her dress and Anna tried to raise her knee and push him back and she screamed for help. And the door opened.

Chapter I

Thomas did enjoy Nellie Melba but Mr. Carson and he were disturbed by some noises from downstairs and of course he was sent to take a closer look. When he reached the stairs he hurried his steps. Someone was screaming and a door was slammed. Both were not very familiar noises when a concert took place in the Hall at Downton. Thomas was calling: "Is somewhere here?" He sneaked into the servant's floor. No one was there but he heard the screams again and followed the screaming. He opened the door slowly and he took a moment to realise what he was seeing and said: "What the hell ...?" Green looked at him with a vexed expression, got up very fast and rearranged his trousers. He came close to Thomas and said in a bawdy voice: "We can share our pleasure." Thomas looked really disgusted and said: "I can share my knowledge about what happened here with his Lordship if you want to share something." Green looked like a hounded animal and shoved Thomas against the wall and disappeared.

Anna took a deep breath and with one movement closed her ripped dress, and started to cry and quiver. In a reflex action Thomas got down and tried to comfort her but really did not know what to say. Anna was in an awful condition but she found her voice first. It was throaty and shaking but she said very determinedly. "Please tell nobody, take me to your room and bring me a new dress."

Thomas grabbed a dress from the laundry and some plasters, a bandage and cream from the kitchen and looked for Green but he was gone. It seemed like the others were still in the Hall. There was no time for thinking. He would have time for that later.

This was Anna's second time in her life in the men's quarter of Downton and of course the first time in Thomas' room. It was clean and some books were standing at the shelves. She even liked the smell of the room. Anna was sitting in a corner of the room clutching her knees and trying desperately to concentrate on her surroundings and not think about what had happened to her minutes before. When Thomas came back he was very kind and helpful and he cleaned her face of the blood and she felt his experienced hands from the war. Anna said: "Thank you and could you please wait outside. I have to put on this new dress but I don't want to go downstairs alone." When she was ready Thomas was still waiting outside and when they started to go down the stairs, she said: "I will make up a story and please, please stick to it." Thomas said: "We will see what story Green is telling. He disappeared. I really don't know where he is at the moment." Anna said: "I will not speak about him or anything that happened if I don't have to. We both know what he will say and we know that we both will have a difficult time in court. And I do not trust courts at all after ... I will not tell anyone and I have to trust you." Anna went downstairs and was held up by Thomas who thought: Trusting in me, you should not try that Mrs. Bates. Anna's left hip was hurting nearly unbearably.

John had asked Mr. Carson where Anna was and Mrs. Hughes and Daisy but nobody had a clue. He really started to worry when he saw her hobble down the stairs leaning on Thomas. He was startled and asked confused: "Is everything alright my love?" He forgot all the people around them and saw only his wife with a bruised lip and cheek. Anna said in a rather weak and low voice: "I fainted in the kitchen when I wanted to take the powder and Thomas found me and helped me to get a new dress. I changed in his room. I didn't want to worry anyone. I know it's odd but I did not want to be found down here with a torn dress. I am sorry if I caused you to worry." "You do not have to be sorry, but you have to see Dr. Clarkson, Anna." "Oh no, please, not tonight, I only want to go home and sleep. Everything will be fine later." She turned her head and said: "Thank you, Thomas, very much indeed. I do not know what I would have done without your help." And Thomas answered: "If you want to go to the cottage I will accompany you. Mr. Bates will not have the necessary strength to hold you."

John nodded bewildered. Something was really strange about this situation. It took them some time to arrive at the cottage. Thomas said a hurried goodbye and when the door was closed John at once came close to Anna, he took her face in his hand but she flinched and he asked again very careful: "What happened to you tonight my love?"

John was her best friend and it was very difficult not to tell him anything but inside her was only chaos. She had to be alone. She was confused and afraid and she needed time on her own and said: "I really don't know. From one moment to the other everything changed. We had such a long day and our little argument in the servant's hall really stressed me too, then the headache and I forgot to drink something during the whole day." John said: "I am so sorry my love for my behaviour today. I was not myself." He thought about all the pictures this stupid card game had started in his head. Vera laughing at him, cheating him and after that he was picturing Anna in the same scenes. This was such a long time ago but sometimes it was like it was yesterday and before he could think he was shouting at his loved and beautiful Anna. He loved her so much and that was part of the problem. He had also loved Vera in the beginning and it was so difficult to trust himself again. He would not ruin everything again. Anna saw him getting lost in brooding and she was more than alright with this today. She wanted to take a long bath and said: "John could you please run a hot bath for me." And he was happy for the distraction.

When Anna got undressed her whole body hurt. In her mind she thanked Thomas again for coming before Green managed to open his trousers fully but he had hit her face, slammed her stomach and breasts and his belt buckle had bruised the skin on her inner thighs. She was trembling and crying as she went into the hot water. She bit her lips but even with that she had to whimper. John was calling through the door, if everything was alright and she had to wait and could give him only a short answer. Anna could not believe what had happened to her this day. Of course she had heard stories about assaults and violence. But Downton always seemed secure to her. She knew from her own past you always had to watch yourself but she had never imagined that someone would try to do something like this under the same roof where John and Mr. Carson were staying and an Opera singer sang. Some hours ago she had felt safe and now she was lost. She dressed for the night and hoped that her tears had dried up and she was slipping fast underneath the blankets. When John came and lay beneath her and touched her, Anna said: "No!" and then in not such an alarmed voice: "I am sorry, my head is still hurting. I need to sleep." John did not know what to say and he lay for a long time awake with his mind racing.

In the night Thomas met Green in the corridor of the men quarters and afterwards he possessed a nice watch, some more money and he had the feeling Green would not come back. He was a coward. He tried to threaten him but Thomas had only to speak about the very good relationship between Lady Mary and her beloved Maid Anna and Green was beaten. The evening had been much more interesting and satisfactory than Thomas would have dreamt off.

Anna awoke with a racing heart and soaked in sweat. John was sleeping besides her and she was very grateful for that. She could not cope with his concerned look for one more minute. She went into their living room and started to cry and couldn't stop until dawn arrived. When the sun was gleaming through the window she started to make breakfast. Shortly afterwards John came down the stairs and tried to kiss her but she avoided him and her whole body grew tense. That was a very new sensation for both of them. John was reminded of things in his first marriage and his mind began to scream - things were going wrong. "Anna, I am so sorry about what happened yesterday." She was startled, why and how he should know. "I never wanted to shout at you. It is not because I think my wife should not speak to another man. These are shadows from my past and I am so sorry that they are starting to chase you." Anna's mind was full of questions: What would he do if he knew what Green did yesterday? What would she do if she knew someone violated John? What could she ever tell him and what will happen to them if she never did? John was waiting for an answer and Anna only looked sad and said something meaningless about an early start at the Abbey because of things she had missed yesterday evening. John tried to persuade her to stay at home, to get well and touched her shoulder to comfort her but she flinched again. Her mind was screaming "Green" and John's mind was screaming "something is so wrong here". Anna hurried to take her coat and left the cottage. Now it felt like she had lost both their homes and the security of her relationship in one night.

That moment she recognised that she would be alone on her way to Downton and that Green could be at the house or on the road. He could be anywhere. She stopped and went back inside the cottage and annoyed John again. Anna said to her confused husband: "It would perhaps be a very good idea to stay at home. When I went outside I realised how dizzy I am. I will go to bed." He did not argue with her about the doctor. She was really cross with him. This was clearly obvious.