What l think Rayna has been avoiding since she decided not to marry Luke. This is my first fan fiction (though l am an expert at reading them!) Hopefully it will be a multi chapter story. All characters remain property of ABC and the brilliant actors who bring them to life.
Traffic was always horrible immediately after school drop off, but this morning it seemed worse than usual. This just added to the list of things that had already gone wrong this morning. First it was the alarm not going off, then Daphne had dropped the orange juice all over the kitchen floor, Maddie was her usual sulky teenage self and the dull headache was now threatening to be a full blown 'crawl back into bed and pretend the day hasn't happened' headache.
Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel impatiently, while trying to maintain some level of calm as car horns tooted and people tried to push in front of each other to gain that important extra 2 metres, Rayna punched Bucky's phone number into the hands free.
"Hey Buck, I'm stuck in traffic hell. Looks like I will be here until either I die or a time machine is invented. Can y'all see if you can get Sadie to agree to meet me later."
"Sure Ray, I will give her a call now. I will try to get everything else pushed back or move to another day. There is nothing urgent that needs your attention today, just take it easy and get here when you can."
"Thanks Buck, what would l do without you? Hey, if I'm missing later, promise you will come and get my desiccated body from the car!"
Chucking, "ok Ray, bye" hanging up the phone Bucky begins to reschedule the Highway 65 appointments.
Hanging up from Bucky with a grin on her face, Rayna looks out at the stationary traffic. Rolling her eyes she leans forward and gently bangs her forehead against the steering wheel. Pushing her hair out of her face in annoyance she turns the radio up, thinking if she is going to be stuck here for all eternity she may as well listen to what is consider music now days. Five minutes later, blowing out a grunt of disgust at the lack of good music, Rayna finally settles on a re-run of Watty's previous afternoons radio show.
"Ladies and gentlemen, that was the late and great Patsy Cline with 'Crazy'. As you know Juliette Barnes will be portraying her in the movie 'Patsy' due to be released later on this year. Bringing us back to the present, the next artist up I am proud to call a friend. I have seen this guy blossom from a young and talented guitar player to a brilliant song writer. I am pleased to see that he is finally stepping forward and recording his own music. This guy seriously has so much talent, not just as one of Nashville's most talented guitar players but he has also been a major contributor to many of the hit songs from one of my favorite artist, Rayna James.
Yep Mr Deacon Claybourne has finally stepped forward and is show casing his many talents. If you haven't already checked out his latest album, 'Live at the Bluebird' go grab it. Available on vinyl, which I might add, gives a whole new dimension to his sound. It's produced by the very talented Avery Barkley. Here is the song he did at the Live Broadcast for NPR, "I know how to love you now".'
Knowing that Deacon had written this for her and pleaded for her to come to the Bluebird THAT night, Rayna's hand trembled as she went to change stations. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to hear Deacon's confession of his love for her in song. Before she could change stations, Deacon's soothing voice was beginning to caress her battered heart.
"My broken promises broke your heart
Time and time again
I let everything fall apart
I was such a fool back then
But you loved me once I know
So many sorrys ago
So here I am
And I just pray
That you will listen long enough
To hear me when I say
This brand-new man won't let you down
If you let me show you
I know how to love you now
There was a time when I held your hand
I would have died to keep you safe
That's why it kills me that I'm the man
That put those tears on your face
I don't blame you for moving on
And maybe all of my chances are gone
But here I am and I just pray
That you will listen long enough
To hear me when I say
This brand-new man won't let you down
If you'll let me show you
I know how to love you now
I see that look in your eyes
You're scared
And I understand why
So am I
But here I am and I just pray
That you will listen long enough
To hear me when I say
This brand-new man won't let you down
If you'll let me show you
I know how to love you now
Girl, let me show you
I know how to love you
Now..."
Rayna smothered a sob that was threatened to escape, as the tears freely poured down her face. Her heart was aching and it felt like it was about to shatter into a million pieces. Deacon had always been about to express himself through his music, and at the moment he was telling Rayna that he was now the man that she had always known he could be.
This time the sobs escaped as Rayna thought of Deacon waiting that night at the Bluebird for her. Him finally realising that she had chosen someone else over him…again. Burying her face in her hands, she frantically tried to get her breath back but she was on the verge of hysterical crying. "What had she done to him? …What she had put him through?" The sobs and harsh gasps for air picked up as Rayna wrapped her arms around herself and felt the pain she had inflicted on Deacon not only for the whole Luke circus, but for lying to him about Maddie. Rayna still felt an enormous amount of guilt for losing faith in Deacon, for not being there for him when he walked out of rehab for the fifth and final time. It didn't matter how many people told her that she had to let him go. That she couldn't continue prop him up that he needed to beat his demons on his own.
It hurt to know that that was the first time of many when Rayna had deliberately created barriers between them, each under the pretense of protecting herself from the uncertainty of loving Deacon. When in reality it was to prevent Rayna from being engulfed by their volatile love for each other. She had become too good at erecting barriers to protect herself. The barriers weren't there to protect her from the pain associated with loving Deacon. Rather she was terrified of the all encompassing love that existed between them. She didn't think she was strong enough to survive if it failed. Back then it was her fear that Deacon would wind up dead and she would have to go through the motions of life without him.
Once she had Maddie and later Daphne she knew that no matter what, she would have to be able to continue if something happened to Deacon, so just kept him at arm's length. Having Deacon in her life terrified her but no where as much as not having him in her life. It was this that finally made her realised that she couldn't marry Luke. Sure there were a lot of other issues that surfaced but the nail in the coffin was her realising that Luke would demand that she cut Deacon completely out of her life. While she was married to Teddy, she could keep Deacon near through their music but Luke was no Teddy. He wouldn't look the other way while she had an emotional affair with Deacon.
Slowly the outside world began to seep into the car. Rayna could hear car horns and people yelling for her to move her car. Frantically, wiping her eyes she could see that traffic was beginning to move again. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she pulls down the visor to assess the damage. "Ergggh!" Wiping the mascara away from her blood shot eyes, she resided herself that she would be walking into the office with a red nose and puffy eyes that just screamed that she has been crying. If she was lucky everyone would just assume she was upset about the latest tabloid story featuring Luke and whatever bimbo was hanging off his arm.
Rayna left her aviator sunglasses on as she walking in the offices of Highway 65. Bucky looked up with concern written over his face. "Ray? Are you ok?" Nodding, Rayna attempted to make her voice sound as normal as possible and not scratchy from crying. "Ye Buck, just been one of those mornings. I'm going to head back to the studio. Send Sadie through when she arrives ok?" Bucky watched as a clearly upset Rayna headed pass the offices.
Pulling open the door to one of the mini studios they had set up, Rayna took a deep breath as she let the dark interior embraced her. Dropping her bag as she walked in, she struggled to get her jacket off. Her scarf quickly joined the piles of items on the floor. Walking in circles around the studio shaking her hands trying to get herself to calm down, Rayna could feel her breathing rapidly increasing. "Oh god! Not here. Not at the studio, please don't let me break down here." She continued to walk until she felt her breathing return to normal. Stopping in front of her bag, she dug out her tablet. Making herself comfortable on the couch, she went to the NPR website and brought up Deacon's performance at the Bluebird. She had to know if what she imagined was worse than reality. Rayna quickly regretted viewing the video, reality just broke her heart all over again. Seeing the hope in Deacon's face every time someone walked in and then the hurt of realisation when it turned out not to be Rayna. Silent tears of grief caressed Rayna's face as she watched Deacon pour all his hope into the words he sang, laying his love for her open for all to see.
The tears continued to silently fall even after multiple viewings of his performance. So engrossed in watching the screen Rayna failed to notice the door open and Sadie enter the studio. "Ummm Rayna are you ok?" Sadie asked, concern written all over her face. "Bucky said to come on back, but I can come back later if you want."
Sniffing, she whispered "I'm a horrible person. I just keep hurting him over and over again, and he continues loving me. Why? Why doesn't he hate me?" Burying her head in her arms she whispered, "He should."
"Who? Luke?" Sadie asked, clearly confused to see the normally unflappable Rayna visibly upset about something. She was wondering what Luke had done to upset Rayna so much. Putting an arm around her, Sadie just hugged Rayna. Straining to catch the muffled response from Rayna, Sadie could hear a name being said "Deacon".