Blind As a Batman

by IntensiveCareUmpire

In a distant realm, Batman fights, not only crime, but his growing insecurities as well. This time, Batman has a whimsical adventure with his pal Edwin Unther after he has an accident. Oh, and there's something in there about hooking up with luscious ladies somewhere. A slightly satirical take on Batman written for fun.

While a fire raged in the streets, Batman walked into the Gotham City Pub. Not a lot of traffic in this part of town, Batman thought. Could Batman get a freakin' drink before he was called in by Alfred to fight another evil man? Batman talked to the bartender, Henry L. Sullivan. "Henry L. Sullivan, I'd like a Bud Light with a lemon," Batman said. "Another night on the town, Batman?" Henry L. Sullivan, the bartender, asked to Batman. Batman responded with a very sassy, "Yeah." While Batman waited for his drink, a Batman impersonator walked up to Batman piss-ass drunk. "That's the Batman of the future, I tells 'ya," the Batman impersonator, who Batman soon recognized as Yaridovich from Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars dressed up as Batman, yelled to the door. Whenever Batman thought that he was going to leave, Yaridovich the Batman fan-boy turned around to face the real Batman. "I can't believe you're going to be hit by a bus at 7:29 tomorrow," Batyaridovich said, and then he left. Batman finally got his Bud Light with a lemon, but Batman had to run after the spear-person before he could get his Bud Light with a lemon.

After a bit of trial, Batman caught up with Batyaridovich and held him by his handle. "Are you trying to seduce me, Batfriend?" Baridovichman inquired of the now fuming Batman. Batman fought the urge to punch him right where it counts and instead politely asked, "Where the fuck did you get that bogus information, you piece of guano(get it because it's batshit)?" Yaridobatvichmanbat fought the urge to punch him right where it counts (as well as his growing urge to vomit) as he answered, "I saw it in a dream that my friend Axem Green had, because I can look into people's dreams." Batman was beginning to get fed up with this shit even though it was a standard interrogation. Whenever he looked at the superhero costume-clad video game boss talking about other video game bosses in the burning Gotham streets, Batman decided that this wasn't worth missing out on his Bud Light with a lemon.

After Batman tripped over the drunkard in front of the entrance, he finally made it back to his drink, which no one had touched because it was Batman's. While he was gone, Batman's hangout had been populated by several hermaphrodites who Batman wanted to beat with a rubber version of his Batarang. Batman may not have had to go past them to get to his beloved Bud Light with a lemon, but Batman desired violence anyway. Finally, after a bit of trial, Batman caught up with his old high school friend Ingrid Hullman. She was not willing to open up to Batman at first, but Batman eventually got her number. Oh yeah, and Batman sat down in his seat near the Bud Light with a lemon. On top of getting to his drink, Batman won the lottery again. Batman reached for his drink after all of this time, moving his hand downward toward the drink in a grabbing manor. However, Batman was startled by a far away noise which sounded like Cthulhu taking a bath. This startling caused Batman to scrunch his hand up in a fist, and his fist was still going toward the Bud Light with a lemon. One thing led to Batman hitting the lemon, and that thing was him moving his fist downward toward it. As Batman hit the lemon, the lemon squirted Batman right in the eyes. Batman blacked out.