I own nothing off of Halloween. I only own the idea of remaking this classic film in the stupidest ways possible.
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(A POV picks up a clown mask and is standing in front of a teenage girl with Spongebob Squarepants pajamas on.)
TV VOICE OVER: You'll love this movie....
TEENAGE GIRL (Hilary Duff): Jason!!!.....I mean, what's the killer's name again?
(The POV gets out a machete and chops the girl's head off like Jason.)
VOICE OVER: In 1963, a six-year-old kid named Michael Myers went on a huge killing spree and was admitted to a sanitarium, under the care of Dr. Loomis.....
(John Larroquette is standing in front of Justin Timberlake, who is in a cell, with a blank face, looking out of the window.)
LARROQUETTE: I know what you're thinking, Michael....You fooled them all.....
VOICE OVER: We have an array of celebrities in this flick!.....Gary Coleman!....
JUDGE (Gary Coleman): Whatchootalkinabout, Dr. Loomis?! We ain't lockin' Michael Myers up in a maximum security ward! I may be short, but I know a threat when I see one, and Myers ain't no threat, Doctor!
VOICE OVER: John Larroquette of TV's "Night Court" and "Happy Family" as Dr. Loomis.....
DR. LOOMIS (Larroquette): Michael Myers will escape soon and kill everybody!!
JUDGE: That's what they said about O.J.
LOOMIS: This is 1963!! There IS no O.J.!!!
VOICE OVER: And featuring John Ratzenberger as Sheriff Brackett....
(Loomis and Brackett see a half-eaten dog in the Myers House.)
BRACKETT (Ratzenberger): Eh, this Michael Myers fella ain't so dangerous! A man didn't eat that dog!
LOOMIS: This isn't a man!.....
VOICE OVER: And featuring a lot of Jason-like death scenes.
(Michael Myers, looking like Art Garfunkle, is being seduced by Lynda [Played by Mandy Moore]. Michael has a machete in his hands.)
LYNDA: See anything you like?....
(Michael Myers runs to Lynda, jumps high into the air, and chops her head off with a machete!)
KITCHEN: Michael Myers sees some dork (Played by Urkel), and hammers a nail into his heart and leaves him hanging on the door of the fridge.
VOICE OVER: Hey, if they can remake the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, they can remake....
(A heavy-metal version of the "Halloween" theme plays in the background.)
VOICE OVER:.....Halloween.......The Night HE....came home!! This one is guaranteed to suck like every other remake of a classic!! Hey, it's better than a cheap sequel!
______________________________
(A POV picks up a clown mask and is standing in front of a teenage girl with Spongebob Squarepants pajamas on.)
TV VOICE OVER: You'll love this movie....
TEENAGE GIRL (Hilary Duff): Jason!!!.....I mean, what's the killer's name again?
(The POV gets out a machete and chops the girl's head off like Jason.)
VOICE OVER: In 1963, a six-year-old kid named Michael Myers went on a huge killing spree and was admitted to a sanitarium, under the care of Dr. Loomis.....
(John Larroquette is standing in front of Justin Timberlake, who is in a cell, with a blank face, looking out of the window.)
LARROQUETTE: I know what you're thinking, Michael....You fooled them all.....
VOICE OVER: We have an array of celebrities in this flick!.....Gary Coleman!....
JUDGE (Gary Coleman): Whatchootalkinabout, Dr. Loomis?! We ain't lockin' Michael Myers up in a maximum security ward! I may be short, but I know a threat when I see one, and Myers ain't no threat, Doctor!
VOICE OVER: John Larroquette of TV's "Night Court" and "Happy Family" as Dr. Loomis.....
DR. LOOMIS (Larroquette): Michael Myers will escape soon and kill everybody!!
JUDGE: That's what they said about O.J.
LOOMIS: This is 1963!! There IS no O.J.!!!
VOICE OVER: And featuring John Ratzenberger as Sheriff Brackett....
(Loomis and Brackett see a half-eaten dog in the Myers House.)
BRACKETT (Ratzenberger): Eh, this Michael Myers fella ain't so dangerous! A man didn't eat that dog!
LOOMIS: This isn't a man!.....
VOICE OVER: And featuring a lot of Jason-like death scenes.
(Michael Myers, looking like Art Garfunkle, is being seduced by Lynda [Played by Mandy Moore]. Michael has a machete in his hands.)
LYNDA: See anything you like?....
(Michael Myers runs to Lynda, jumps high into the air, and chops her head off with a machete!)
KITCHEN: Michael Myers sees some dork (Played by Urkel), and hammers a nail into his heart and leaves him hanging on the door of the fridge.
VOICE OVER: Hey, if they can remake the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, they can remake....
(A heavy-metal version of the "Halloween" theme plays in the background.)
VOICE OVER:.....Halloween.......The Night HE....came home!! This one is guaranteed to suck like every other remake of a classic!! Hey, it's better than a cheap sequel!