A lovely Fanfiction of how I decided to poke fun at Felix and Marzia's possible wedding reception and that they want to wait until they're ready (Probably they'll say yes when they find grey hair).
Anyway, enjoy...
THE WEDDING FROM HELL
Felix: Do you ever have one of those days when everything seems to go wrong? I did. Unfortunately, it was my wedding day and 3 men, in particular, were to blame. It all started with the priest.
It was a Friday morning at Felix and Marzia's wedding reception. All the family and friends traveled to Italy, when Felix and Marzia first met to see and cherish this day with them.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife. Well done. You may now kiss the bride.
Everyone applauded. Felix and Marzia kissed with a feeling of relaxation and warmth linked in the lips. The day is finally here where they would begin their charitable life as adults.
Priest: *perverted smile* Mmmh... (He leans towards Felix's ear.) Nice one.
In an instant, all the happiness from Felix and Marzia dissipated in an instant and they glared at the priest.
Priest: Alright please be seated everybody. I just like to say just a few words before communion. You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days, 'Father, what is the churches' attitude to *fellatio?' (*Definition: oral stimulation of a man's penis)
Everyone's jaws dropped as tall as the Eiffel Tower.
Priest: And I tend to reply by telling them a little story about the first time I was asked that question. It was a couple of years now and umm…and the young attractive bride-to-be came up to me after service and asked me just that question, 'Father, what is the churches attitude to fellatio?' And I replied, 'Well you know Johan, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately I don't know what fellatio is!' *smirks* And so she showed me.
Marzia's face burned red in embarrassment with her palms masking her face while Felix is having a cringe seizure. Everyone was deeply offended.
Priest: And ever since whenever anyone asks me the question, 'Father, what is the churches' attitude to fellatio?' I always reply, 'Well you know, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately I don't know what fellatio is!'
Felix bashed at the priests for ruining his reception and everyone left without delay to the wedding party. As Felix and Marzia got out, they noticed a pigeon crap on the roof of the limousine.
It was early afternoon at the wedding party where everyone was enjoying lunch. Mark stood up to give a speech about his moments with Felix. However, he was drunk from having too much alcohol.
Felix: Next came my trusted best man.
Mark: Oh right. Oh...er...er... right. *gasps*Um…ladies and gentlemen and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party heh *gasps*, how did those two girls get under the table and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste?!
The married couple just couldn't look at Mark anymore and just cringed in embarrassment at their table. Everyone thought they would be in for a long day.
Mark: *gasps*R-right! Um…right so just before I left the house, um... this afternoon, *gasps* I said to myself, 'You know the last thing you must forget to do is forget your speech.' *gasp* Umm… and so sure enough when umm… when I left the house... (Mark pulled out of his shirt pocket a bra but quickly stuffed it back in after realization.) Oooh! Heheher *gasps*Umm…eh… um… the last thing I did hehehe… yes you guess it was to forget my speech.
Felix: You motherf#cker, Mark.
Mark: Err um…. So it's all adlib I'm afraid. (Mark began making abnormal face movements.) Uh…uh...uh…uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh uh hua ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah! Hehahahe *gasps* hahahahee*gasps*All right. Well-well, dear me. Well now-now where should I being? Um… I like to begin….. now! Hehahahe*gasps* Ahhhhhh-right well-well-well-well, I've known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of 8, and you know he hasn't changed a bit. Ahhuhh… Well that's not quite true, course! He didn't have his beard then. *gasps* Umm... And I tell you this he wouldn't been able to do whatever he did last night with those two extraordinary…
Felix gave a death stare at Mark signaling him he will rip out his throat if he dares to continue.
Mark: ….extraordinary….. Umm…extraordinary how people change, isn't it? Ahhherhehrhher um… Ahh-well I know I changed a great deal because I used to be an absolute ass!
Marzia left to go to the restroom to cringe in her isolation.
Mark: Hahahehe. Well always blurting things out when I shouldn't have. For instance, this afternoon I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to resist mentioning the bizarre sight that greeted my eyes when I first open this man's bedroom door earlier this morning…
The man crossed his hand over his throat in attempt to make a death threat at him. Marzia came back
Mark: ... Ummm yes… but uh bu-um but enough of that. Ha-ha *gasps* He started making gestures at me now which I think..heherh… he wants me to cut my speech short. Umm… so suffice to say that I think he'll make a ripping husband uhh and I think his wife's ripping Ehahaehae *gasps* too and I can only hope that the –the dress will hold out…
Marzia's face thundered down onto her table and her hand behind her neck.
Mark: ... Ahhhhherruhhhaaa ….ummm so I'd like to propose a toast, to go with the patty…Ahhherherr*gasps*uhhhaaummm to the groom and to his lovely horse-err wife!*gasps* Ahhhuerrhhuu*gasps* Its all-It's all starting to come back to me now... Herhehr*gasps*
Felix couldn't handle it anymore and ordered Jack and PJ to throw Mark out of the wedding reception.
Mark: (Leaving) Umm… and I think I just know their marriage will be as happy and satisfied as I was when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning! Cheers!
The guests clapped at the absence of Mark for ruining the wedding party.
It is now afternoon when the wedding dance was near its end and Mr. Bisogin was asked to make a speech.
Felix: And finally, my loving father in-law, provided the perfect end to a perfect day.
Mr. Bisogin: *wakes* Humph... Ugh... (In Italian language) Ladies and gentlemen and friends of my daughter; ...there comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I should like to take this opportunity…sloshed as I may be… to say a word or two about Martin.
Felix was confused and Marzia's cheeks were redder than cherry.
Mr. Bisogin: As far as I'm concerned, my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible, wealthy... let's not deny it … well placed, good looking, and fertile young man than Martin as her husband. And therefore I ask the question, 'Why the hell did she marry Felix instead?!'
Felix understood and was now ready to punch Marzia's father in the funny parts, too!
Mr. Bisogin: Because Felix is the sort of man we used to describe at school as a complete prick! If I may used a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be lichen to a compost heap, and I think they can, then Felix is the biggest weed growing out of it!
Felix's family was as outraged as Felix and Marzia was. The friends of the couple simply just watched in awe and they couldn't decide how to react. Mrs. Bisogin tried to stop her husband but he went on.
Mr. Bisogin: I think he is the sort of man people immigrate to avoid! I remember the first time I met Felix and I said to my wife, she is a lovely women propping at that horrendous lush of a mother of his, I've known this man is suffering from brain damage or from the new vacuum cleaners that arrived! (He pointed to Felix's family table.) As for his family, they are simply the most intolerable herd of steaming, social animals I've ever had the misfortune of turning my nose unto. (He pointed his nose at them) I spurn you as I would spur a rabid dog!
To end it off on a sour note, he lifted his glass as if he were offering a toast.
Mr. Bisogin: I would like to propose a toast to the caterers, *sips* and to the pigeon who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church. (He finishes the glass before sitting down) As for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me; you can sod off! I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on the toilet seat!
Mr. Bisogin went right back to sleep on top of his food and the rest was history.
This is why Marzia and Felix said they were going to wait until marriage.
So pans and bros, stfu.
Leave them alone.