A/N: I've been thinking about this story for a while and needed to work on something other than 'Thwarted'. Those of you familiar with my work know I have a strong Happily Ever After policy, so though this will be angsty, it will end well.
Kylo watches her beautiful hazel eyes go wide with shock as his saber plunges into her chest. He's instantly horrified by what he's done and immediately retracts the blade, dropping the hilt as he catches her falling form. She's blinking quickly and he knows she doesn't have long.
"No, NO!"
After Starkiller, after his father he'd hoped to prove to Snoke that this feeling brewing in him was nothing. He had wanted to show that he was not tempted by the scavenger and her brilliant light. But as he holds her in his arms and feels the life leaving her he knows he has been so very wrong. This woman, this impossible woman, she is everything to him and he has killed her.
She's looking into his eyes and he wants to tell her that she was right, that he is a monster.
"Rey, please. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
She smiles then, a knowing smile full of all she could have given him. He watches helplessly as her eyes cloud and he feels her pulse stop.
He gathers her close in his arms, feels her cheek next to his and he weeps.
"No!" he wakes abruptly, shaking, his face covered in tears. He turns over in his bed, drawing his knees to his chest. It's been two months since he killed her. Killed her. He still cannot believe he'd rid the galaxy of something so good and so right. He chokes on his tears and closes his eyes tightly against the image of her delicate face and that damning, forgiving smile. He would give anything to take it back, to follow her wherever she led him. They'd danced across the galaxy, clashing, tangling. He'd lived for each chance to best her … to be with her.
He is consumed by that single moment when he'd been devoured by the need to eradicate the light within him. He'd learned nothing from the death of Han Solo. He had been thinking—as they fought that final time—that he must free himself from this hold she had on him, that this would be the act that would release him.
And it had, oh how it had. The light and the dark no longer fight within him simply because he has lost all purpose. He is filled with nothing now. He is empty, numb. He goes throughout his days, remembered patterns, rote. The First Order, the Resistance, none of it matters.
He obsessively catalogues every minute he had with her, every clash of their lightsabers. He'd never felt so alive. He would cajole, she would taunt. On and on it went and he'd never understood who she was to him until it was too late. He hadn't known the depth of his feelings until he'd been stripped raw, left mourning a life he didn't know he needed like air.
And so he is a shadow of a man, lurking, existing. He's begun to contemplate joining her, but he knows that he is far too dark, now. So he spends his days as a bloodless thing, there is no hate, his fierce sense of betrayal having seeped out into nothingness. All there is is her face and his blade and his bitter regret.
He's standing in his quarters, watching as the Finalizer moves past the stars. He's remembering, as he always does now.
Her face, her perfect face, bathed in violet as their sabers locked above her head. When he'd offered to teach her … she had been so beautiful as she'd communed with the Force.
Unconsciously, his hand reaches up and he traces her scar. It's all he has left of her and it has become precious to him.
He leans forward, leaning his forehead against the viewport. He's tired, he's so tir-
"Ben?"
He whirls to find the impossible. He blinks quickly to dispel this phantom, but she's still there.
"Rey …" he breathes out in wonder.
She's luminescent, her form transparent but unmistakably Rey. He stands there, looking at her, unable to process what's happening. She looks like she did the first day he saw her, before he understood … anything.
"Hello Ben."
He flinches. That name is dead. It should mean nothing to him. But it does.
"I …" He can't think what to say. Seeing her, her lovely face, her open eyes. He just wants to fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness. Any scrap she'll give him. But he just stands there, frozen. He opens his mouth to speak and then closes it again. He can't believe she's here, even like this.
"I know, I know … I've been watching," she says cautiously.
He finally finds his voice. "Why ... why would you … come to me." The self loathing is thick and bitter.
"You are suffering so, and I can't … I can't bear to see it. So here I am." She shrugs. She seems almost embarrassed.
"Why would you care if I suffer? I deserve every bit of it."
"Perhaps. But that you suffer shows so much about who you truly are. You wouldn't be hurting like this if you didn't know what you've done is wrong."
He knows she's not talking about her … death. "I thought killing Han Solo," he sees her frown slightly and corrects himself, "My father, killing my father, I thought it would stop the pain."
"I know that now. They told me. He told me."
He's frozen in place. His father? She's spoken to his father? He's filled with questions, but he doesn't know how long she'll give him so he rushes on.
"But … you … I don't know how to go on without you, Rey."
"Oh Ben, we were only ever enemies," she says sadly.
"No! That's not true. I know it's not true. I wasn't alone in that feeling. I can't have been," he says brokenly.
She looks at him steadily. "We only ever behaved as enemies, then."
"So you did feel it?" he asks boldly.
"I felt … something. I wasn't willing to examine it too closely. And now … well now it would only bring pain." She looks down wistfully, twisting her hands together.
"But you're here, you could come back … we could talk. Like I wish we had." He draws close to her shimmering form.
She looks at him warily. "I … I don't know that that's a very good idea."
"Please, Rey … let me find some kind of peace. Just having you here, I … I can't explain it, but I feel warm for the first time in months. Please." He smiles at her hopefully.
Her eyes widen. "I think that's the first time I've seen you smile. It suits you."
"I've had no cause to smile in a very long time," he says bitterly.
"You could change that. You could go back." Her eyes fill with hope.
He stiffens. "No. It's too late for me now. What I've done … it's too late."
"It's never too late. Your mother loves you." She raises a hand, reaching out to him.
He snorts and shakes his head. "How could she possibly?"
"Because you're her son. Nothing you can do can change that."
"I've certainly tried though, haven't I?"
"Yes … you have."
She holds his eyes for a long moment and he wants to drown in them. Then she blinks and looks around furtively.
"I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about you. Please, let me learn who you are," he entreats.
Rey looks down nervously. "There's nothing really to tell … I lived on Jakku for 15 years then a year ago everything changed. I trained with Luke … tried to fight the First Order … failed …" she trails off, looking anywhere but him.
The reminder of his crime knifes through him. "I would do anything, give anything to take back that day. I can't tell you how many times I've imagined just throwing down my saber, taking your hand and running away with you."
Rey rolls her eyes. "You think I would have just gone with you? Just like that? No, I'd have taken the opening and killed you."
Kylo cocks his head. "No, I don't think you would have."
She blinks, looks away. "We'll never know."
"I know," he murmurs. He draws even nearer and he reaches out, gliding his hand along the image of her cheek. He feels a slight tingle and she steps back, flustered.
"I … I should go," she stammers.
"No, please, not yet." Panic flares in his chest at the thought of her leaving.
"Yes, I only … I only came to try and give you peace."
"I'll only have peace if I know you'll come back. Promise me you'll come back," he pleads.
She bites her lip and wraps her arms around herself. "Ben … it's not … I don't think they'll like it."
"I don't care. Promise me," he demands forcefully.
He looks at her desperately and whispers, "Please."
She finally nods once as she disappears into nothingness.
Kylo falls into a chair and holds his head in his hands. He just spoke with Rey!
And she's going to come back.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think!