"Allright y'all, I think I done did it. I think I found the one!" Granddad yelled excitedly, grinning widely as he rushed down the stairs into the living room. The small slip of paper he was holding waved excitedly in the air as he danced happily on the hardwood floor.
"Hush Granddad, we tryin' to watch the game," Riley replied impatiently, not looking away from the television screen. Although it was late Saturday afternoon, he was still dressed in his pajamas, and was intently focused on the movements of the men on the basketball court. His brother on the other hand, was, as usual, occupied with the newspaper, and fully dressed.
"Nigga you hush," the old man admonished, as he made a dismissive gesture with his wrist. Normally he would have given him a lecture about respecting his elders and then beaten him with his belt. But because he was in such a good mood, he decided not to engage in any further conflict with the eight-year-old. "What's got you all excited, Granddad?" Huey asked cautiously, looking up from the paper.
"I got a date tonight," the elderly man replied proudly, putting his hands against his shirt and popping his collar. Huey now saw that the small strip of paper his granddad was holding had a phone number crudely scratched on it. His face, which was already soiled by his permanent scowl, darkened. "Grandad, you know every time you bring home a date she always ends up either being crazy or a freeloader, at least thirty years younger than you, and a person who compromises the wellbeing of our family." He put the newspaper on the coffee table in front of him and glared expectantly at his grandfather.
"Nah nigga, that was a foul!" Riley screamed suddenly, jumping up and shaking a fist violently at the television.
"I knew you'd say something smart-ass like that Huey, but prepare to be shut right up ," Granddad retorted, ignoring the remark. He strolled over to the sofa where Huey was sitting and sat next to him. "Contrary to what you might believe boay," he began, putting his arm around the child, "I am capable of finding women who are quite refined." His mouth curled up into a smile at the last word and the over-enunciated the final consonant of the word.
"Define refined," Huey replied, his eyes narrowing. Whenever his grandfather brought home a date, he usually let him stay with him for the weekend; which also meant that whenever she caused trouble, his afro centric grandson was the one to get the family out of it. And although it had been a while since his caretaker had been engaged in a rendezvous, he was actually relishing the time where he wasn't the one forced into taking control. Well, no more than usual.
"Well, now, let's see," Granddad said as he leaned back into the sofa. He put one hand behind his head and one underneath his chin. "She's smart, funny, laughs at all my jokes, aaand—"
"Those traits don't even come close to what the word might mean. They're just cliché." His eyes narrowed. Knowing that his grandfather probably wouldn't be dating a respectable woman, he decided to cut to the chase. "I wanna know where you met her, what she likes, and why she would want to go out with a man like you." Huey raised an already arched eyebrow at his grandfather and lowered his head. "
"Dammit boy, will you give me some time to finish my sentence? Before you interrupted me, I was going to say that she teaches English at the community college. And she has a niece you might like." He smiled at the ten-year-old when he said the last statement, which caused him to groan and roll his eyes. The last thing he needed was his grandfather messing around in his love life, a field he had absolutely no interest in. He shuddered at the thought of the girl he had in mind for him.
"Granddad, you tryin' to get Huey a hookup from a hoe? That's real nasty my nigga," Riley interjected, becoming agitated with the game and changing the channel.
"Boay, watch yo' mouth," Granddad said, scowling at Riley. "She ain't a hoe, and for your information Huey, I met her at the Y last week when I took that cycling class. Y'know, the one I took to try and help with my bad knee?"
"You mean the one that made you come home all pissed because you paid thirty dollars for the class and yo' knee was still hurtin?" Riley was now entertaining himself with an episode of 106 and Park. Huey sighed shook his head.
"Yeah, that one. " He turned towards Huey. "And why wouldn't she want to be involved with an intelligent and incredibly handsome man like yours truly?" Huey stared at his grandfather, who had dramatically placed a hand across his chest and debated with himself on how he should respond. He decided not to.
"But why you tryin' to get that gay bitch a hookup Granddad? He probably gon' scare her off with whatever creature come crawlin' out his nappy head!" Riley cackled loudly at his remark, hugging his sides and falling on his back into the sofa. Huey narrowed his eyes and ignored his brother's comment.
"Riley, I'm not gon' tell you again to watch yo' mouth. And it's not a hookup. Charisse has a niece that's gonna be babysitting y'all this afternoon, and she act a whole lot like Huey. That's why I said he'd like her."
"Babysitting?!"
Shocked, the two boys hurled themselves up from the sofa and began yelling at their grandfather.
"What do we need a babysitter for, Granddad? We can take care of ourselves!"
"You think we some sort of baby bitches or somethin'?!"
"We are on the front of the 'Don't Babysit These Kids' website! Is this girl illiterate?"
"Both of y'all shut the hell up!" Grandad shouted as he too stood up, and clutched his belt with his right hand. After the old man's outburst, except for the television blaring, the room became silent. Both Riley and Huey's glares were sharp enough to cut diamonds.
"Now both of y'all listen up. Charisse is comin' over tonight at eight and she's dropping her niece over here to babysit y'all two. I don't want to hear any complaints from her, or from y'all for the entire night. I already paid her good money" He began to get up, signaling that he was done with his nagging.
"And clean the house up! Y'all niggas need to learn to 'preciate what old folks be doin' for you!" Grandad's voice echoed throughout the foryay as he made his way upstairs to get dressed.
The two brothers stood side by side and exchanged glances.
"Them guns still in the closet upstairs on the top shelf behind Grandad's old bowling trophy?"
"Riley, Granddad said he didn't want any trouble."
"So? I ain't about to loose my rep from that website! Huey, we practically famous! Got our names up there and everything!"
"We're infamous, not famous, Riley."
"Man same thing! Shit, we got all the niggas scared of use like hay is to fire! And you think I'm gon' let that change? Ha!" Riley turned and ran up the stairs to the gun closet, mumbling things about being a 'celebrity' as he trifled through the boxes of old junk. Granddad's sing-songy voice could be heard upstairs in his bedroom.
"Got a date, got a daaaaaaate…"
Huey shook his head again and began to pick up the empty soda can from off the coffee table .
"Better go sharpen my katana," murmured Huey as he straightened the pillows on the couch with his free hand.