I made a croaking noise deep in his throat.

I missed them, I missed them so much.

I sank down into the loose soil of my father's grave. He had been buried only a few days earlier, but his death was still fresh in my mind.

His body had been covered in cuts, blood stained his fur. His amber eyes empty, they would never see again.

That was when it all hit me. My whole life, all that I had lost. I had tried to ignore them, ignore the pain I felt in my heart.

Hollykit and Larchkit, those were my younger sisters. I had cared deeply for them, even if it had meant Ferncloud never gave me as much attention. I was upset when they died, though I tried to push it away.

Shrewpaw was the worst one. We had grown up together, we had trained, shared prey and listened to the elder's stories. The day Shrewpaw was hit by the monster was the day I began to feel nothing.

I thought I could find happiness with Daisy, something to hold onto. Something solid in my life. Soon we had kits, and I thought everything would be perfect.

I was wrong though. Soon I realized that life was short lived. I never wanted to lose anyone I loved again. So what did I do? I pushed them away. I snapped at my kits, I yelled at my mate.

I could see the heartache in her eyes. I wanted to say sorry, I truly did, but I couldn't.

Then the great battle came. I learned that my own brother, Birchfall, had betrayed us. He was going to fight against us. He was a traitor.

During that battle Ferncloud died. Her death I remember vividly. Brokentail had murdered her when she was protecting the nursery. He gray speckled fur would never be the same. Even as I sat next to her during the vigil all I saw was a dark red mass of blood covering her.

I blamed Birchfall, even after he realized where his loyalties lay.

Foxleap died next, he too died from the battle. A Dark Forest cat had bit his stomach. He lay for days in Jayfeather's den, slowly bleeding to death.

Icecloud died from greencough shortly after. I was secretly glad that she had gone. Every time I looked at her, grief seemed to cloud her eyes and she could not see me. At least now she is happy in StarClan with her family.

Then there was Toadstep, my son whom I had cast away. During his vigil I was there, but I would not let Daisy know. I stood in the shadows instead. I made sure nothing came by and touched a single hair on his pelt. Was this a father's love? I don't know. I do know that I was trying my best not to yowl from grief.

Soon I was thrown back into reality when something warm pressed against my side. I knew without looking that it was Amberpaw, my apprentice. Her fur brushed mine as she looked at the grave.

"I remember her death," she mewed quietly, looking up at me.

I was confused for a moment, but then I realized that she was talking about my mother, "Yes, I remember. You saw her body."

Amberpaw tensed slightly beside me. "I thought she was asleep," she said slowly, "it was the first time I saw a dead cat."

I looked at Amberpaw and I felt something stir inside of me, a belonging perhaps. I knew instantly that she was someone I could hold onto. Something that would never leave me.

After a few heartbeats we got up and walked back to the camp without saying a word. She did not need to say anything. Amberpaw understood.

I vowed that day to never push her away. I would never forget that day. The day I lost my hope, but she found it.

Okay, just a disclaimer this was not hinting at romantic feelings for Amberpaw(moon). He was just thinking of her as a close friend in this. Males and females can be friends. I will also admit that a I do ship them together, though I tried my best not let this show trough my work. I hope you enjoyed this, and maybe it made you think about Spiderleg. I will include some art pieces inspired by this on my Devinart page.