Steve slung his backpack over his shoulder and winced, his bruised ribs protesting the movement. He pushed his knuckles against his chin and pressed hard, forcing his neck to crack. He then rolled his shoulders and let out a long breath. There was less tension around the base of his neck and Steve sighed with relief. He waved good night to Chin and Kono as they both left and headed in the direction of Danny's office. The blond detective was punching at the keys on his tablet with fierce determination. Steve studied him for a moment from outside the office.
Danny hadn't said more than a few words since arriving back from the jungle. And even less since getting Michelle Shioma booked and interrogated. Even while they were giving Jerry his badge, he was fairly tight lipped. He had retreated to his office and not emerged for anything. Steve threw a shoulder into the glass door, pushing it open quickly.
"Hey, partner. You ready to call it a day?" Steve motioned towards the exit door with his head and cringed when his neck crackled. Another fist to the jawline and it was back in place. "Come on, Longboards are on me."
Danny huffed sarcastically from behind his desk. "Yeah right," he grumbled under his breath, eyes never leaving the screen in front of him and whatever he was working on. He shook his head back and forth. "Not today," he ground out.
Steve stepped further into the office and let the thick glass door fall shut behind him. "What's wrong? You don't want a beer after the day we've had?" He dropped his backpack onto the couch against the wall of windows and crossed his arms tightly across his chest. "That's a first."
Danny stopped typing, his wrists settled on the edge of the desk, fingers suspended in the air. He glared at Steve. "No. I don't want a beer. I want to finish what I'm doing and go home."
"Seriously?" Steve asked with a smirk. "Come on," he practically begged as he reached into his back pocket and withdrew a wallet. "I even have my wallet this time." Steve opened the billfold and turned it towards Danny to reveal several bills inside. "You won't get stuck buying, I promise."
"What part of what I just said," Danny flipped his wrist in the air moving his hand about, "did you not understand?"
"You always want to go for a beer."
"Well," Danny slammed his tablet closed and pushed his chair backwards in one swift motion. "Today, I don't."
"What's the matter with you?" Steve tossed his wallet onto the desk and Danny promptly picked it up and threw it back to Steve.
"What's the matter with me?" Danny shoved his chair underneath his desk and pressed both hands into the back of it as he leaned across the top, tipping his head and narrowing his eyes at Steve. "What the hell's the matter with you?" he shouted and pointed an accusing finger at his partner.
"Whoa, bring the anger down a notch, Danny." Steve knew everyone else had already left for the day but he still peered through the glass walls to see if anyone had heard the yelling and was coming to investigate.
"Don't tell me what to do." Danny straightened himself. "If I want to be angry at you, then I have every right to be angry."
Steve's face crumpled in confusion. "Why are you angry at me?"
"Really? You're going to play dumb now? That's what you're going to do?"
"I'm… I'm not playing dumb."
"Then you really are just plain stupid." Danny pulled open a desk drawer and stashed his tablet before slamming the drawer shut. "What's the matter with you? Huh?" Danny asked again, anger radiating from his body. "Why is it so hard for you to follow instructions?"
Steve folded his arms, taking up a defensive posture. "What kind of instructions are we talking about, Danny?"
"You're unbelievable!"Danny screamed. He clenched his eyes shut and took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. Both hands found their way over the top of his head, smoothing the already perfect mane. "The kind set forth by your doctor, Steven." Danny's voice was stern, almost lecturing. "Do you think I gave you part of my liver for the sheer fun of it? Huh? You think I did it for the hospital food? The praise? The weeks upon weeks of enduring pain and what seemed like a never ending recovery?"
"Danny…"
"No." Danny shook his head and flipped his index finger in the air at the same time. "You don't get to talk right now." Danny folded his own arms across his chest and glared hard at Steve. "Why didn't you say anything to your doctor about the uranium thing and the possible exposure? Huh?"
Steve waved his hand in the air dismissing Danny's concern. "Because I had the car battery thing hanging on my chest, protecting me. It's no big deal. Remember? I told you it works like the vest thing you have to wear at the dentist when you get an x-ray. What are you getting so worked up about?"
"Don't you think he should at least know about the possible exposure so he could have tested you in case the battery didn't do its fucking job? Huh? What if it didn't work?"
"Danny, come on. It's been a grueling day. You're tired, obviously very angry. Let's just go home. Okay? We did good today and got the job done. No one got hurt."
"Are you unhinged? Have you not looked in the mirror?" Danny flung his hand in the air and motioned at Steve from his head to his feet and then jabbed the air for added emphasis. "You got hurt. Do you not think that there are other people in this world who care if you live or die besides me? Your mother, your sister, your team, my children. When you pull one of your stupid stunts where someone uses you as a punching bag, do you not think about any of those people? How upset they would be if anything happened to you?"
"Nothing's going to happen to me, Danny." Steve replied with a dismissive wave of his hand.
Danny glared at him in disbelief. "Right," he said with a single nod. His voice almost betrayed him and he had to suck in a shaky breath in order to continue. "And that's why half of my liver is currently residing in your body. Because nothing's going to happen." Danny pulled open his right top desk drawer and retrieved the extra set of Camaro keys. "You know," he said fingering the keys. "You're making my decision to retire a lot easier."
"You can't be serious," Steve scoffed.
Danny glared at him again. "You talk about trust and me hiding my decision to retire from you. What the hell do you call this? Huh? When's the last time you went to the doctor before today? Two months ago? A year in and you're still being told to take your anti-rejection meds. Doesn't that tell you something? Like how serious this whole thing is and you're…" Danny threw both hands up in the air in frustration, the car keys jingling together. "You're treating this like it's nothing. Those meds are forever, Steve!"
"You didn't include me with your decision to retire; I didn't feel you needed to be in the loop about my doctor visits." Steve lashed out without thinking. That was a low blow and he knew it. No taking it back now. Steve stood his ground, arms folded across his chest, his rising anger was nothing compared to what was coming out of Danny.
"My decision to retire doesn't affect your health, Steven. It has no bearing on whether you live or die." Danny wasn't even trying to control the rage that was building within him. "Your decision not to listen to your doctor does!"
"Look, I'm sorry okay. But I didn't see what other option we had in that cage today."
"No, see that's the problem. You never let anyone else do any of the thinking. Kono, Chin and I… we're all fairly intelligent people. I'm sure if you would have given us five seconds to put our collective heads together we would have come up with something. Something that wouldn't have resulted in you requiring stitches at the end of the day."
"We had to act fast, Danny." Steve countered.
"Then you should have let one of us go instead of you." Danny stepped around his desk and pocketed the Camaro keys. "I should have punched you harder that day I met you." He brushed past Steve and tugged on the glass door.
Steve spun around following Danny out the door. "Where are you going?"
"I can't be around you right now." Danny called over his shoulder and left the office without looking back.
It took Steve three hours to find Danny. He knew after pulling up and seeing Danny perched on the stone wall, this should have been the first place to look. It was Danny's special spot in Diamond Head. After exhausting all the logical places his partner could have retreated to, home being the least likely, it finally dawned on him where Danny would be. By the time he figured out where he was, it was well past nine. Steve pulled his truck to a stop beside the Camaro and killed the engine. He knew he had screwed up. Danny wouldn't have come to his spot if it was just a simple misunderstanding between them. He would have gone and bought a six pack of Longboards, taken them home and not drank them while yelling at Steve to change his ways. Then they would have made up with a few kisses, a few beers and then called it a day. All would be forgiven and tomorrow would be a new day. But not this time. This was the first time Danny had retreated to his spot because of him.
Steve wasn't sure if this would be it for their relationship or not. Danny didn't make any effort to move when Steve got out of the truck and approached him, a tell-tell sign that all was not well or forgiven. He was facing the ocean like he always did, still dressed in his tan dress slacks and white and blue striped shirt from earlier when he changed after getting back to the office from their stint in the jungle.
When Danny didn't acknowledge him, Steve cringed inwardly and mentally kicked himself for not finding Danny sooner. Sure, Danny needed to cool off and dissipate some of his built up anger, but he also needed Steve to be there and Steve had let him down yet again. He was hoping Danny had managed to cool off in the three hours it took to locate him, but he was now wondering if Danny wasn't more upset that it took Steve so long to track him down.
"Thought I'd let you cool off for a few hours," Steve spoke into the wind coming off the ocean, giving the water with its crashing waves one last glance before sitting down next to his partner. He folded his hands in his lap, his thumbs rotating around one another nervously. Steve turned his head to the side and stared at the side of Danny's face. He was unreadable with his jaw clenched tight, eyes staring straight ahead out into the depth of the ocean. "Actually," Steve admitted opting for the truth instead. "I couldn't find you."
Danny blinked and a single tear escaped down his cheek.
"I'm sorry. Okay?" Steve went back to twirling his thumbs. "I was trained as a SEAL and it's very difficult for me to relinquish control over any situation I find myself or my team in." Steve blew out a breath. "I will try to involve you guys from here on out in decision making."
Danny shook his head bewildered. "You don't get it, do you?" Danny still couldn't bring himself to look his partner in the eye. "That's not the issue here, Steve. You're going to get yourself killed one day and that doesn't even faze you. People shooting at you or using you as a punching bag doesn't slow you down one bit." The blond detective finally turned to glare at Steve, daring him to object.
"Danny," Steve began trying to piece together an appropriate response.
Danny held up a hand to silence him. "I gave you half of my liver because I love you. Okay? I didn't want you to die that day. Don't you get that? How many times have you busted open your stitches? How many times during cases have you ended up in the ER?" Danny shook his head and returned his attention to the ocean and the waves. "At the end of the day, I want you to be able to go home with me."
"I don't go into a case looking to get hurt." Steve objected softly.
"Catherine must have been a saint putting up with you all those years." Danny laughed dryly. "But I can't do it anymore."
"Come on, partner. Don't be like that."
"Really?" Danny snapped his head in Steve's direction. "You can honestly say that with a straight face?" Danny closed his eyes and turned his face towards the sky. "I'm not your partner." He shook his head and released a shaky nervous laugh. "I'm more like your tag along. Because being your partner would require my involvement in decision making."
Steve stared at his feet knowing that Danny was speaking the truth. He never let his partner make any decisions. Steve remained silent. He trusted Danny, trusted him with his life. So why didn't he trust him out in the field? Steve knew he had control issues and he swore to himself that if they made it through this rough patch he was going to work on them. He would go to their therapist for help if it was what it would take to fix their broken relationship.
"I lost a partner once," Danny spoke so quietly Steve had to strain against the wind to hear him. "Grace and I," Danny was talking with his hands, both waving through the air as if they held a language all their own. "We treated each other as equals. I respected her and she respected me. Our different approaches to doing the job is what made us a stronger team." Danny swiped at his eye and then stole a glance at Steve. "I don't want to lose another partner whom I care for even more because they are stubborn and think that their way is the only way. I can't do it anymore. It's too hard and it makes me feel like I have nothing to offer other than just a tag along with an extra gun."
Steve captured both of Danny's hands with his own and held onto them tightly, silencing the blond.
"You're more than that." Steve smiled despite the situation. With Danny's hands held within his own, the detective was rendered speechless. Everyone knew Danny talked a mile a minute with his hands.
Danny's blue eyes locked onto Steve's hazel ones. "I can't keep doing this dance with you if you continue down this path of self-destruction." Danny sniffled and dropped his eyes to their clasped hands. "I care about you too damn much to watch you continually get yourself beaten down and not be able to do anything to stop it."
Steve released Danny's hands and cupped his chin, tilting it upward, drawing his eyes back to him.
"I'm gonna have to bow out of this thing we have if you can't change," Danny said with tears in his eyes. "Because I can't continue to care about you the way I do if you have no regard for your own welfare. Don't you want the same thing?"
Steve nodded, "I do. I want to go home with you at the end of the day." He slipped a hand around Danny's neck and pulled him close.
Danny rested his forehead on Steve's and closed his eyes. "I love you," he whispered against Steve's lips.
"I'll make an appointment with our therapist and we'll figure out a way to fix this." Steve lowered his head and kissed Danny softly. "I don't want to lose you over my control issues."
Danny returned the kiss and let out a shaky breath while running his thumbs down Steve's cheeks. "Come on, let's go home. I have our therapist on speed dial."
Steve knew in that moment they had a fighting chance. Danny was the first to say it without tripping over the words. I love you.
When I say it, it means something.
"I love you, too."