The Love Quest
The first person she thinks to ask is Alice, because really who else could it be?
Unfortunately for her Alice is no longer a Hogwarts student, so Lily does the only thing she can; she writes a letter.
It starts out quite sane she thinks, with a simple "Dear Alice, how are you?" It then proceeds to cover over three pieces of parchment and is even longer than her latest Charms essay. It includes the word LOVE, written in blotched ink over 27 times, one mention of the actual name James Potter, and over five uses of derogatory language which she feels quite ashamed off, considering she never swears (unless you count whilst talking to Sirius Black and let's face it no one can talk to Sirius Black without finding themselves releasing a string of expletives)
She finishes it with a simple "Love, Lily", taking the love count up to 28.
She waits five days for a reply, five days in which she studiously tries to avoid a certain James Potter; she changes her rounds so that she doesn't have to give him over an hour to resume their love conversation and even contemplates sending a particular complex charm his way, a charm that would leave him in the hospital wing for at least a day (with no lasting damage, of course). In the end though, she decides against this; however incomprehensibly insane and apparently in love James Potter was, he didn't deserve the hospital wing.
Yet.
This decision to steer away from violence may have eased Lily's conscience but it did not calm her nerves; her life was, you see, simply upside down. In fact, it had been upside down for approximately six days, five hours and thirty two minutes, why? Well, the answer (like every mishap in the life of Lily Evans) lies with James Potter. You see, exactly six days, five hours and thirty two minutes ago James Potter told Lily Evans, quite sincerely, that he had fallen in love with her. For approximately, one minute and four, point five seconds after this confession Lily Evans had stuttered at James Potter, her brain seemingly having died. Another ten seconds and Lily Evans did what no girl who has just been told she is loved should do, she ran away.
And yes, she knew it was a mean and bad and practically unholy reaction (as she had been told over ten times from Marlene) but…well…he couldn't love her… could he?
Like, yes. Be friends with, definitely. But love? What the hell was that anyway? You see, Lily Evans was a very realistic girl in most senses and sitting by her dormitory window precisely thirty three minutes after James Potters confession she realised that love, really was a ridiculous notion. After all, how could someone suddenly know they loved someone? How did you know if you were in love? What if love was just being caring? She cared for James, yes, she didn't want anything to happen to him and yes, yes her heart beat did increase slightly when he walked in a room but love? Really?
She shook her head in confusion and frowned deeply; she loved her parents, of course she did but that was …natural, built in… she had always felt like that towards her parents…and she loved Alice and Marlene and triple chocolate fudge cake…her frown deepened; she needed to find out how to know if she loved James Potter or not because she realised, the only thing worse than telling him she didn't love him would be telling him she did and not meaning it. Her resolve firm in the belief that she needed to understand love Lily had trudged down to the library. It took her three hours and fifty six minutes to realise that the answers she needed would not be found within the dusty leather bound books she loved so much; all her endeavours had brought her were a selection of love novels that made her cringe and an ancient book which only mentioned love as the most potent of magic.
It had taken her another half hour scouring the library and a restless night's sleep before she decided she needed advice from real people, as in people who had experience with this love nonsense and so she had written to Alice and now five days later an owl was sat in front of her.
The owl, who Alice had not so aptly named Twiggy on her behalf, looked as it always did, that is, as though it was set to burst. Its small head peeked out from its bulging stomach and Lily instantly scowled at it; if the damn owl had been a bit fitter she was sure it would have been able to fly faster. Cursing her own habit of constantly treating the owl, Lily finally untied the parchment. Her hands were for some unknown reason shaking, which was ridiculous really, because this was from Alice, Alice who had stayed up and tutored her for transfiguration, who had showed her around in first year and who in Lily's humble opinion, knew everything there was to know about love.
Steadying her trembling hand, Lily tore the parchment apart and stared at the familiar writing, a sense of warmth filling her as she did so; Alice would always be there for her, the big sister she never had.
Dear Lily,
I hope you haven't been hiding in your room, overdosing on pumpkin pasties and chocolate frogs in the time it has taken me to reply. I'm sorry about that by the way but Moody's being damn right horrible and making us work extra shifts and by extra I mean I don't get home until eleven (and that's if I'm lucky!) Anyway, back to you, you seemed rather…distressed in your letter and the first thing I'm going to tell you little Lily is calm the hell down!
James is a great guy and I know, I know it's taken you a while to see that but as someone who knew him before he could walk he really he is great and him being him and you being you, I'm sure he's not half as angry as you think. Yes, running away was not the best decision but love is not something small Lily and no matter what I think, you can't rush saying something back until you really understand how you feel.
So you want to know what love is, right? Well, it's magical and yes, yes, I know that sounds cliché but Lily it is! It really, truly is! It's…it's when the person next to you can bring you solace, when you're with that person everything else or the worries…everything falls away. Take me and Frank for example, we wake up at the crack of dawn and spend the whole bloody day at the aurors office and let me tell you it's not easy; hearing about all the deaths, trying to be everywhere at once, reaching the scene just two minutes too late...sometimes, I don't think I can do it but then Frank and I'll go home and he gives me strength! He makes me believe we really will be ok and that's what love is, Lily! If anyone else told me after a twelve hour shift to calm down and stop stressing, I'd bloody hex them to Bulgaria but with Frank it's different, he calms me down, makes me laugh and forget everything.
As for how you know? Well, that's harder. Frank and I have always been friends and we just grew closer; we enjoyed the same subjects, wanted the same things, we understood each other, you know? He knows what I'm thinking before I do, I can finish his sentences and that's the way it's always been and to be honest I really don't know how it happened; one day we were friends and somehow it turned in to more.
I know that's not the answer you want Lily but there's no love handbook…it just happens and you have to follow your heart.
Love, Alice.
P.S. don't over think it!
Sighing Lily put the letter down and let out a noise of frustration; "Follow your heart" she rolled her eyes; that was the problem! She didn't know her heart…she didn't know what she wanted! She flopped down on her bed, still clutching the parchment; did James make her feel better? Could he take away all the stress like Frank could for Alice?
Yes, she knew he could, James could just as easily seep all the tension from her as he could rile her up; it was frustrating but true. He may have been the person to turn her into a fire breathing dragon but he was also the one who could hug her and take her tears away, he was the one that made her believe that the war would end, that they would win. He believed it and he spoke with so much conviction that his hope would snatch her fear away; they could do it!
She smiled before resuming her frowning, James may have been good at stealing her nerves but they weren't like Frank and Alice, not at all! Frank and Alice were… Frank and Alice; they were perfect for each other; both quiet and studious but unbelievably brave, both loyal and kind…they even wanted the same things from life and like Alice had said, they could finish each other's sentences. She closed her eyes tight; no matter how well she knew James, they would never be like that; they were just too different; he liked sport, she liked books, he was loud and loved attention, she could be loud but preferred the shadows, he loved transfiguration, she hated it, he hated rules, she followed them… a single tear seeped out, they were so different, completely and totally opposite but he said he loved her…
But was he right?
There was a part of her that wanted to believe that he loved her and that she loved him but the problem was he was James Bloody Potter! He believed in anything and everything and that was the problem, she realised. He wasn't realistic, he didn't think, he just acted and spoke and thought that he could do whatever the hell he wanted even if the world was falling apart and while that could be something to make her smile, the fact was how could she be sure he did love her? What if he was just leaping, believing he loved her because that's what he thought he should feel instead of what he really did feel?
It would be a fairy tale, she thought, if the two of them were to fall in love; head boy and head girl and more than that, old enemies suddenly lovers. It was the perfect show for the Hogwarts students and heavens knew, James liked putting on a show so what if that's all it was? What if he was just fulfilling, his…role or something? How could she know if he really did love her and more than that how could she know if she loved him?
Now, even more confused than ever Lily made her way downstairs and into the common room; it was thankfully empty, at least it looked empty until she spotted Remus Lupin on an armchair.
Clearing her throat, she sat on the armchair opposite him. He glanced up suddenly and with a pang she noticed just how sick he looked; there were bags under his eyes, his face pale and shining with sweat, "How are you feeling?" she asked pointlessly.
"Like shit" he chuckled darkly; "how are you feeling?"
"Me? Fine, completely and totally fine" she sat on her hands and nodded her head; "Yup, nothing wrong with dear old me"
Remus raised an eyebrow; "Really, because I'd think that after Prongs dropped the whole love bomb you'd be in a bit of life crisis" he paused as her mouth dropped open; "not to mention, you look as crap as I feel"
Lily winced; "he told you?"
Remus didn't answer; he didn't need to, the Marauders shared everything.
Lily let out a sigh; "How is he?"
Remus shrugged; "He's coping, and by coping I mean he keeps giving us these really creepy fake smiles whilst all the while assuring us he will be happy whatever your decision" he rolled his eyes.
Lily gulped before nodding; "It's not my fault! It's just… I don't know… does that make sense? I don't know if he really does love me, I know he believes he does but what if, what if he doesn't and then there's the fact I don't even know what I feel! How messed up is that, huh?"
They were silent for a moment before Remus spoke; "It's ok to be scared, you know. I know I'm not an expert on love or anything but…it's ok to be scared." He looked into the fire; "I mean, when Sirius and James, when they became my friends I was scared shitless, I couldn't help but think they'd realise just how much of a monster I was and run away and then when they found out about…when they found the truth…I thought I'd lost them but they stayed, they accepted me…and Merlin, Lily I know it's not the same, not at all but it's ok to be scared and I guess, friendship, love all that it comes down to acceptance doesn't it?" he turned to look at her; "Nobody's perfect but when you care for someone, you accept everything about them, faults, annoying habits and all…"
Lily smiled before nodding, she thought about James; Remus was right, it was ok to be scared, as for acceptance, did she accept James, all of him? He was a great person but he had a whole load of faults, faults which used to drive her mad only over a year ago, so what had changed? He always used to run a hand through his hair and she had hated it, but now suddenly it was what…endearing? And she knew he was arrogant, yes he had deflated his head over the past year but he still had an air of confidence… but was that so wrong?
She glanced back at Remus and suddenly felt a spurt of affection for the boy; out of all the Marauders it had been Remus who she had befriended first and he really was a truly amazing person; "You'll find someone someday, you know" she told him and he laughed dryly; "Me? Lily nobody wants to be with a werewolf"
"They wouldn't be with a werewolf" she rolled her eyes; "they'd be with you, Remus Lupin, chocolate loving, coffee loving, caring you"
"I can't change who I am"
"No, but you're only a werewolf once a month, the rest of the time you're one of the kindest people I have ever met" she saw him shake his head and sighed; "Remember, once you thought you'd have no friends and look at you now…part of the Marauders, with friends who would do anything for you. One day, Remus, you'll find somebody…it might be now or in twenty bloody years but it will happen and then, then I'll have the pleasure of saying I told you so"
He snorted and she couldn't help but smile. They both fell asleep soon after that and when Lily woke, her body aching from being curled on the armchair she found that someone had wrapped a blanket around her body. It was him. She knew it even before she glanced down at the familiar checked blanket, smiling slightly she glanced at Remus to find he too had a blanket over him.
A lump formed in her throat; what if after all this, she didn't find the answer she was looking for? What if she couldn't tell James what he wanted to hear? Would their friendship be over?
A tear ran down her cheek and she hastily wiped it away, wishing all the while that she could, for once, just leap without over thinking everything but she couldn't. She wished with all her might that she could but then she thought of Severus, of Tuney and realised she had to be sure, she had to because from her experience trusting someone unconditionally could only lead to pain.
oOo
The day seemed to be dragging for Lily, as though each lesson had somehow become twice as long and ten times duller; she had stared blankly when Professor Flitwick had asked her a question and in potions added essence of Murtlap into her concoction causing her cauldron to, rather unceremoniously, melt. Slughorn had been so shocked that his star pupil could make such a grievous mistake he had merely stared at her before smiling; "Ah, don't worry Miss Evans. Love always does funny things to the brain. It the most amazing of feelings but alas, also the most dangerous." Lily had just stared open mouthed at her professor before stuttering in indignation; "But I'm not in love!"
At that, James a row in front of her stiffened and Sirius beside him had glared. Lily felt her heart sink as her cheeks burned; "I mean, I'm not…I don't think…"
Slughorn merely chuckled; "Now, now, don't be sly Miss Evans." He winked at her before turning to Mary McDonald who looked as though she was desperately trying not to laugh.
When the bell finally rang James had rushed out of the door before Lily had even stood up; sighing she pushed her books into her bag and ran after him. But James Potter was a Marauder and hence quite good at making himself undetectable. Lily didn't see him at lunch and by now desperate for answers, decided to continue her mission by interrogating Lucy Clearwater who merely giggled and began muttering things about Amos Diggory, chocolate and broom closets. Not at all convinced that the best way to clear her mind was a visit to a broom closet, pulling James after her Lily had turned back to her steak pie, only to remember it was James favourite and that he would, because of her, be missing lunch. Suddenly full, Lily grabbed her bag and made her way to Transfiguration five minutes early. She sat in her usual seat and waited impatiently, tapping her foot all the while; James usually sat on her right but if he was angry he most probably wouldn't. Her stomach dropped at the thought.
Despite Lily's worries however, James did sit next to her. In fact, he also greeted her with a surprising and slightly unnerving smile; "Hey, Lily!" he beamed before rapidly pulling his books out. "Great day isn't it?" he indicated to the windows; "Can't wait to get out there, Quidditch practice I mean. There's this new move I need to try out, and of course we need to prepare for Saturday. Not that I'm worried. Because I'm not. We'll beat them; trust me, by at least four hundred points. Don't believe me? Don't worry, nobody does but my team is unbeatable. I mean we have Orwell and Sirius, best beaters in Hogwarts and then there's Smith and yes, he's only a third year but man, is that boy fast and then there's me, obviously and…"
It was like he was on drugs or a cheering charm or something. Suspicious and slightly unnerved Lily turned to Sirius but he too was staring at his best friend open mouthed, he shrugged when he saw her looking at him.
"James, James!" she shook his arm and he finally paused, turning to her and smiling. He was looking directly at her and suddenly uncomfortable Lily turned away; "About Potions, it's not, I just…I need some time ok?"
He smiled again, only this time she noticed it was his real one; "I know, Lily. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere". His voice was soft, the voice he only used for her; when he was the Marauders he was boisterous and loud, with anyone else he was cocky and confident but then there were times like this, when he caught her of guard and let her see the real James Potter- a person not many could claim to know.
Lily stared at him, as he turned to face the front where Professor McGonagall was now standing. How on earth had she got herself into this mess? And it was a mess, it always was with them; the loud shouts, screams and fights, the hair pulling and cursing- that was the way it had always been between them. Messy and complicated and somehow fun but now, now things were different, now James Potter said he loved her and she had not a clue what to do.
The lesson passed by in a daze with James, as per usual, helping her out with the spells; transfiguration was one of the few subjects which he was better at than her, something he was very proud of. It was hard with him acting so normal, as though the whole school did not know about their strange situation, to not laugh and just let her-self enjoy his company. He was a great teacher and she told him so, and he predictably gave a cocky reply but beneath the façade Lily could see the faint blush on his cheeks; how was it that she could have this effect on Hogwarts most wanted boy?
oOo
That evening, depressed Lily once again curled herself up on an armchair by the fire. She was waiting for Allie Abbot; her roommate and latest victim for interrogation. She had been waiting for about five minutes before Peter Pettigrew suddenly came to sit opposite her. Lily smiled sitting up; sure, Peter wasn't the brightest of the Marauders but he was, she had noticed, a lot smarter than people gave him credit for;
"Hey Lily" he greeted with a small smile, before rather abruptly saying; "Are you ok?"
Lily startled; "uh, yeah…yeah I am..."
He frowned; "Are you sure, only if I tell…I mean" he blushed suddenly; "Are you ok, even with everything going on?"
Lily smiled; "Truthfully? I am just very, very confused"
At this, Peter frowned; "Why?"
"Why? Erm, because I uh, I don't know what love is" she blushed; "and I don't know if James really does love me or if I love him or…" she trailed off and looked up to a still frowning Peter.
"That's stupid" he said finally.
"What?"
"I said that's stupid. I mean, everyone knows Prongs loves you, we've all had to hear him go on about you for years and years and then there's how he got all moody when you went out with Jason and you love him too, don't you?"
Lily stared; "I, uh, I don't know"
Peters frown deepened; "But…then why do you sit with us and everything?"
Lily's mouth dropped open; "Because you're my friends!"
At this Peter rolled his eyes; "Come on Lily, you hated us and even when we became friends at the end of last year and the beginning of this year you weren't there…you know, all the time" he looked down embarrassed; "and, and you never used to hug James all the time"
"I don't hug him all the time!"
"Yes" Peter pointed; "yes, you do and you touch his arm, or his hair or, or rest your head on him…and you're always with him…it's like you're dating only you're not".
By the end of this proclamation Peter was a bright red and Lily suspected she too resembled a tomato. In truth, she had no idea what to say to Peters accusations; did she touch James all the time? She thought back to the last few months, yes, ok maybe she did lean on him and yes, they did hold hands in the corridor and she liked messing his hair up but…that was just because she was comfortable with him! They were, after all friends…
But even Lily had to admit she wouldn't walk down the corridor holding on to Sirius or Remus or Peter or any of her other guy friends…it was only James. She blushed harder at the thought and looked up to see Peter staring at her; "You're right, I do…do all that, don't I?"
Peter smiled; "Yeah and just for the record, I don't mind that you hang around with us or anything…it's just, it's just it's strange with you and Prongs acting the way you do but then saying you're not dating" he gave a shaky laugh; "it's confusing"
Lily laughed with him; "Yeah, it is confusing." She turned to look around the common room but Allie was still nowhere to be seen.
"You should just tell him you know, before you both end up going mad" said Peter and Lily turned confused; "Tell him what?"
But before Peter could answer Lily heard Allies voice calling for her through the common room. When Allie finally spotted Lily and made her way over Lily suddenly remembered why they were friends; Allie's hands were full with bars of Honeydukes chocolates, sugar quills and double chocolate ice cream; "Dormitory?" she asked and Lily stood already reaching for the ice cream; "dormitory" she agreed, before waving goodbye to Peter.
oOo
The first half an hour involved a lot of eating and a lot of rambling on Lily's part; she seemed unable to stop herself from talking- it had been great writing to Alice but it wasn't the same as having someone in front of you, someone you could just moan at and Allie was a brilliant listener. She sat in silence as Lily poured her heart out.
When she finished Allie merely stared at her, stared out the window and then took a rather large bite of chocolate before chewing incredibly slowly. Lily glared and Allie rolled her eyes before speaking;
"You know my cousin? Helen, you met her when you visited last summer"
Lily nodded, confused and more than slightly impatient.
"She met this guy when she was at Hogwarts, Mike" Allie smiled; "they fell in love, teenage sweethearts and all. They got married a year after leaving and they were happy, so happy Lily, you should have seen them. They would fight like mad sometimes but they were happy and then, then do you know what happened?"
She looked up at Lily; "Then on their second anniversary it all ended. Death eaters came, she wasn't at home. Mike…he didn't stand a chance…"
Lily gulped; "Al… I...I'm…"
"They were married for two years Lily, two years and then it ended. And then there's my Grandparents married for seventy-years, seventy!" she gave Lily a small smile; "we're living in a war Lils, there's no time to over think things! You don't know how long you'll have- two or seventy-five" she smiled; "live in the moment, James loves you- anyone can see that, and you might as well be happy now because who knows how long it's going to last?"
Lily looked down at her hands but before she could say another word Mary McDonald had come laughing into the room, along with their two other roommates. Suddenly, feeling the need to be alone Lily left the dorm- she walked and walked around the castle, words of all the people she had talked to swirling in her mind; the image of Allie's cousin kept entering her mind and her stomach churned unpleasantly; how many people would she lose in this war? Allie? Alice? Sirius? Remus? Peter? James?
James.
She tried to think of a world without James Potter; a world where there was no one to make her laugh uncontrollably, no one to dare her to sing out loud just because, no one to give her hope, to give her strength…
She hugged her body and made her way up the stairs in front of her leading to the astronomy tower; why did love, whatever the hell it was, have to be so damn hard?
oOo
She had hoped that the astronomy tower would have been empty and had been prepared for the possibility that she would have to chase away couples on a late night "date", she had not expected to find Sirius Black sitting with his legs dangling off the tower (in a way that made her cringe in fright) with a bottle of Firewhiskey and a fag; "Took you long enough" he said before turning around and frowning; "Oh it's you, thought it was Prongs" Lily nodded before sitting down next to Sirius; they had grown close the past year but he had been cold to her for the past week. It wasn't hard to guess why. Sirius Black was the most loyal person she had ever met and she had been the girl responsible for causing his best friends misery; of course, he was going to be cold to her.
She sighed and looked out at the night sky. Sirius took another swig; "He's going to be here soon, you know"
She didn't say anything, just sat down on her hands. He turned to look at her; "You're a strange girl, you know that Evans?"
She did.
"How is he, really?" she asked, knowing Sirius unlike Remus or Peter wouldn't give her a watered down version of what she had down to his friend.
"He's fine actually, just dandy"
She raised an eyebrow and this time it was Sirius who sighed; "He's bloody mad, is what he is. Madly in love with you" Lily opened her mouth to speak but Sirius, naturally, spoke over her; "and no, he is not pissed that you did a runner after he finally had the guts to tell you how he felt." He shook his head; "He bloody loves you Evans and he knows you love him so he's trying to act as normal as possible, just a matter of time, he keeps saying, just a matter of time Padfoot" Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Does he really love me?" she asked in a quiet voiced and Sirius paused with the bottle half way to his lips, staring at her incredulously.
"Are you fucking serious, Evans?" he practically shouted and Lily flinched.
"What? It's a valid question! How am I supposed to know if he loves me?"
"Because he does!"
"But how do I know, for sure?" she looked at him pleadingly.
"Because I'm his best mate and if I tell you he loves you, he bloody well loves you!"
They stared at each other; Sirius was now standing, the bottle of Firewhiskey shaking in his hand; "He loves you Lily and you better get that into your pretty little head" he sat down again, breathing heavy and Lily pulled the bottle from him; relishing the burning in her throat;
"I'm scared" she admitted and Sirius sighed; "Look, James is my best mate ok and I know him and he loves you, it wasn't like this with any other girl, he's never been this way…" he paused; "at first, I hated you, you know because it was so damn obvious he was growing up and I thought it was because of you, but it wasn't…he just grew up and then, then he fell in love with you and I knew; not just because he talked about you all the time but because he would do anything for you, anything…" he cleared his throat; "before the most important thing to Prongs was the Marauders but now, now it's you…"
He inhaled deeply on the cigarette in his hand; "You get it now, Princess?"
Lily swallowed before looking out towards the nights sky; in the distance she could see the lake, she had fallen in there in her first year after James had scared her, she had been standing there the first time she slapped him after he asked her out, and they had sat there, books in front of them, studying just last month…
"You love him too, you know" Sirius finally said and she turned to look at him, eyes desperate.
"I know you don't get it and Merlin knows I'm not one to understand the whole love nonsense but you love him, everyone can see it….even McGonagall and Flitwick" he smirked and she raised an eyebrow; "What on earth are you talking about Black?"
"I'm talking about the fact that when Moony and I snuck in to the staff room yesterday we overheard a very interesting conversation in which dear Old McGonagall placed a bet that you and Prongs would be together by tomorrow, Flitwick I believe thought you be would united on Friday" he smirked again and Lily's mouth dropped open; "and if you don't believe me ask Moony, I'm sure he'd be happy to tell the tale"
Lily stared at Sirius for a moment before laughing hysterically; it could have been the Firewhiskey or the fact that her professors were betting on her love life or the even more bizarre fact that Sirius Black was ultimately the one to help her, whatever it was it left Lily clutching her sides as she laughed, Sirius was looking at her with concern and she laughed harder at that before taking a deep breath and straightening up; "Where is he?" she asked, smile still in place.
Sirius grinned; "Kitchens, he went to get more supplies"
Lily smiled and before Sirius could stop her, hugged him tightly; "Thank you" she whispered, before getting up and running out of the door.
Behind her she could hear Sirius mutter; "Bloody mad, that girl is"
Laughing slightly and not caring that curfew had already passed, she ran down the stairs. She had seen it in so many movies, the sudden realisation of love leaving the characters in a desperate need to run around town and to airports or wherever just because they had to tell somebody they loved them; she had laughed at those movies; wouldn't they still be in love in an hour, the next day, the next week? Surely they could wait, instead of having ridiculous climaxes; you can phone them later, she used to sarcastically think but now, now when it was her she didn't care that she would see James in the morning, that he was not going anywhere…she needed to tell him now and wasting even a minute seemed criminal.
Is this how he had felt, she thought, before he told her? Exhilarated and free and beyond happy.
She laughed aloud again. She had been scared and stupid; she loved James and he loved her and she realised, she had known that a week ago, she had known two months ago but fear had stopped her believing it.
She smiled thinking about all the advice she had received over the past few days; Alice had been right- there was no love handbook, Remus had made her realise just how scared she was and Allie, sweet Allie had made her see life, really was, too short and then Sirius…she giggled at the reminder that he had been the one to make her realise her feelings; Sirius Bloody Black, Hogwarts notorious heartbreaker had made her understand love. She grinned; in truth she still couldn't define it, love, but then again, she didn't think anyone could; it was an emotion, something that could only be felt and expressed but never really understood.
And there were many type of it she realised; Alice had fallen for her best friend, Allie had never been in love but she knew it from the pain of her cousin and then there was Remus and Sirius and of course, Peter, they would all claim they didn't know what love was, and that they had never been in love. That may have been true, they had never been in love but they still loved; they loved the Marauders, they loved their friendship; Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs that was what they lived for; they may not have been in love themselves, but they knew and cared enough of James to know his heart and they had helped her find hers.
oOo
Lily met James one corridor away from the kitchen. She didn't see him, safely under his invisibility cloak as he was, and he with his mind so preoccupied did not notice her. Instead, they both walked directly into each other; she gave a loud cry of pain and he swore repeatedly as an assortment of food fell out of his hands.
"Lily?" he asked as he pulled the cloak off; "Are you ok?"
Lily was currently hopping from foot to foot, looking as though she was in the middle of some strange dance; "No, no I am most bloody well not all right! You just stood on my toe you great big lump!"
James merely laughed and Lily glared; "Seriously, what are you? An elephant? I can't even feel my toe!"
"Well then, it can't be hurting much can it?"
Lily rolled her eyes and James chuckled; "So…what are you doing down here?"
"Looking for you" she mumbled.
"Looking for me?"
"Yes, looking for you, you great buffoon"
"May I ask why you were looking for me?" James asked eyebrow raised.
"I…" and then she blushed; "I, I have something to tell you"
"Yeah?" he asked and she could tell he was trying his best to sound casual. It didn't work.
She laughed; "Yeah" and then she pulled his head to hers; it was better than she had thought it would be; one hundred, million, billion times better…
And it should have and would have lasted longer, if someone had not just cleared their throat behind her.
Startled both Lily and James jumped apart to see their headmaster, in bright purple robes standing before them.
Albus Dumbledore was studiously studying the floor and when Lily shrieked in alarm he merely smiled.
"I…uh…it's…sorry" was all Lily could say. James, for all the Marauder he was, did not fare much better; "Professor, we…uh…Lily and I…we…"
"Got message of a disturbance outside the kitchens and as responsible heads decided to investigate?" Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling and Lily's mouth dropped open, James however had started to smile.
"Exactly, Professor"
"Ah, and I suppose you found this mess" he indicated to the food on the floor; "but no sign of the perpetrators?"
James nodded vigorously; "No sign at all, Professor"
"Very well" said Dumbledore nodding; "However, since I am now here to look for the culprits I think it would be a good idea for the two of you to head back to Gryffindor, don't you?"
Lily could have sworn Dumbledore was smiling and James beside her smirked before shouting a rather loud; "Good night, Professor!"
"Goodnight Mr Potter, Miss Evans" replied Dumbledore, eyes twinkling more than ever and then as they passed Lily quite distinctly heard him mutter; "It seems a visit to Filius is in need."
Lily's mouth dropped open; surely Dumbledore too hadn't been betting on them?
oOo
They managed to walk down two corridors before the laughter started. Lily clutched her head, suddenly feeling lightheaded from all the emotions running through her body. The day seemed to have lasted a year; had it really been today that she had woken up more confused than ever? Had she really melted a cauldron and asked Clearwater for love advice? She giggled slightly before looking down at her hands intertwined with James before looking up to him. He was staring at her and she blushed remembering how she had practically pounced on him.
He cleared his throat; "Did…didn't you want to tell me something?" he finally managed and she nodded before clearing her own throat, which had suddenly seemed to go very dry.
She looked up at him, his hazel eyes shining in the little light seeping through the window behind him. For a moment she thought she couldn't do it, wouldn't be able to say the words that she desperately wanted and needed to say but then she took sight of his black hair, once again sticking up in all directions and she couldn't help but smile; this was James Potter. The person who had seen her at her best and worst; she had hit him, cursed him, pushed him into a lake, laughed at him, laughed with him, teased him, hated him…
"I love you" she finally said.
"Yeah?" he croaked out and she could tell he was, once again, desperately trying to sound casual. His body however, looked ready to jump up and she could already see the hints of a smile behind the disbelief.
"Yeah" she laughed and then he picked her up, twirling her around and whooping and talking absolute nonsense; jumbled words pouring out of his mouth and she couldn't help but laugh with him, their laughter echoing around Hogwarts silent corridors.
oOo
It's funny how three words can change everything, Lily would muse the next day, three words and James claimed to be the happiest man in the world, three words had meant she hadn't stopped smiling all morning. The world wasn't all perfect because of it, the war still raged on, the newspaper still brought news of murder, and their NEWTs were still fast approaching but somehow something had changed; she had someone who would be there fighting by her side, she had someone to hold her as she held her breath before reading the names of the dead, she had someone to let her laugh when all she wanted to cry in stress.
She didn't know how long they would have, two years or seventy but she knew she would make the most of every day they did have; they would still fight of course, argue and tease but she would make sure they would live and love and laugh even more.
A/N: Finally done! I started this story about a year ago and wrote just passes Alice's letter and then forgot all about it until I found it a couple of days ago. There're bits that I'm really happy with (mostly Sirius' part) but I'm really not sure about the ending- from when Lily meets James so I might go back and change it later but for now here it is.
Please review :D