War on Christmas
Skyler Sneathen
(The bright red, white and blue title graphics sway and swerve across the screen, with hammering music. The title appears on screen in bold letters "The O'Reilly Factor". Sitting at his desk is FOX News Correspondent Bill O'Reilly in his grey suit, red tie and white shirt. The desk is trimmed in holiday decorations with a Christmas tree off in the background behind him.)
BILL O'REILLY: Evening America, welcome to the O'Reilly Factor and Merry Christmas! Oops, I'm sorry did I offend some of the secular progressives out there? Yes, indeed there is a War on Christmas, which will be covering tonight starting with a story in Illinois.
(A panel appears to the side of the broadcast of a Christmas tree)
BILL O'REILLY: We all know of the holiday tradition of Christmas trees, ever since we were little when your dad would the top the tree with the angel, but apparently a community in Illinois wants to get rid of Christmas trees altogether after one too many 9-1-1 incidents involving trees catching on fire.
(The panel morphs from a Christmas tree to a Christmas tree on fire)
BILL O'REILLY: The fire department in Stewart County, Illinois has issued safety warnings and advice, but apparently that's not enough as secular progressive groups like GreenLeaf, Save the Trees and other environmentalists are beginning to demand the wholesale end of the Christmas Tree tradition, adding that is further promotes destruction of the environment and adds to global warming.
(The image now morphs into a NO Christmas Tree picture)
BILL O'REILLY: Joining me now is Doctor Pamela Isely, a botanist from Gotham University.
(Dr. Pamela Isely appears on-screen in a closed caption box on the right of O'Reilly's closed caption box. She is pale, beautiful red flowing hair she wears down, piercing green eyes covered with elegant small eye-glasses and a lovely green collared blouse.)
DR. PAMEALA ISELY: Good evening Bill.
BILL O'REILLY: Dr. Isely, it's good to have you on the show, so let me cut to the point. Is there a war on Christmas?
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Yes, I do believe there is.
BILL O'REILLY: OK, good, finally one of the university types that gets it-
(Dr. Isely's begins to look both puzzled and slightly offended.)
BILL O'REILLY:-and do you think these environmental groups have any credibility at all in this claim in how the Christmas Tree adds to global warming?
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Well where I would like to begin is the credibility of you and your story.
BILL O'REILLY: I'm sorry!?
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Yes, the credibility of you and your story here is-
(O'Reilly quickly gets flustered, leans forward and cuts her off.)
BILL O'REILLY: I'm sorry lady-
(Dr. Isely is offended and tries to counter.)
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Lady?!
BILL O'REILLY: Doctor, whatever, I have checked the story, this is FOX News, Fair and Balanced, OKAY? Get the facts straight.
DR. PAMELA ISELY: The fact is most of the trees in the story have been burning due to cheap materials within these artificial trees, yet you failed to mention that most of these cases follow artificial trees not natural trees. The combination of the materials within the trees, along with paper wrapped gifts under the tree and many household items only helps add to the fire hazard. Second of all-
(O'Reilly waves his hand, as sort of not listening to her to interrupt)
BILL O'REILLY: Yeah, whatever-
(Dr. Isely gets very upset and begins to raise her voice.)
DR. PAMELA ISELY: I AM NOT FINISHED!
(there is a small pause…)
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Second of all, most of these groups are running counter to the argument of artificial trees, saying to buy more of them and not natural trees, especially groups like Save The Trees.
BILL O'REILLY: OK, so what's the problem with having a natural tree instead of an artificial one, aside from offending some environmental tree huggers. In the end a tree is a tree is a tree.
DR. PAMELA ISELY: The problem is BOTH contribute to global warming-
(O'Reilly shuffles his papers, ready to pack up and leave as he interrupts her yet again.)
BILL O'REILLY: Oh please!
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Let me finish.
BILL O'REILLY: No, you're one of them.
DR. PAMELA ISELY: One of what?
BILL O'REILLY: Those secular progressives, with your environmentalist buddies looking to secularize Christmas and get rid of it from the public sphere. Which is remarkable, given you said there is a war on Christmas!
DR. PAMELA ISLEY: Yes there is and for good reason. The wholesale slaughter of natural trees leads to deforestation and leaves a negative impact on our ecosystem.
BILL O'REILLY: Please! Those trees are grown in mind to be cut down for human use.
DR. PAMELA ISELY: So living things like trees and all other plants are just ours for total consumption?
BILL O'REILLY: Oh please…
(O'Reilly begins to nod his head as he cannot believe what he's hearing as Dr. Isely goes off on him.)
DR. PAMELA ISELY: No, no! Studies have shown plants can in fact feel pain and this is ecological genocide! Trees are not just our resources to be used and abused; they are part of our ecosystem. Then you have the transport of said trees on dirty, dingy trucks that fill our air with pollution from fossil fuels and this goes for the transport of artificial trees as well, when burnt also lead to pollution. The War on Christmas is real and justified, with the over-commercialization and materialism that corporations profit off of the slaughtering of innocent lives. The groups you mentioned don't go hard enough.
(Suddenly there is a gunshot and the screams of people from the O'Reilly studio. The interview stops as Dr. Isely ends her tirade and O'Reilly looks off to the side. There are more gunshots, more screams and then some kind of animalistic growls.)
BILL O'REILLY: What the hell is going on?
(Dr. Isely stares on surprise and confusion. There is a racket as we hear things fall, equipment drops and glass shatters. Bill O'Reilly starts to appear he sees someone off to his side. He makes a run as he runs towards the camera but we hear a gunshot as he fall onto the camera knocking it down. The camera is now on the floor, lying on its side as it frames two large, brown hyenas feasting on O'Reilly corpse. The camera is jostled around a bit and it is then picked up and adjusted with a bright, cheery, pale face looking deeply into the camera)
HARLEY QUINN: Hi Red!
(As she waves at the camera in her traditional outfit but in green and red, with jingle bells on her head.)
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Harley?
(Dr. Isely's jaw drops. Harley looks behind herself to check up on the hyenas.)
HARLEY QUINN: Oh who's momma's good little babies?
DR. PAMELA ISELY: I'm sorry Harley, but what are you doing here?
(Harley appears a bit puzzled, as if she was never paying any mind to the broadcast.)
HARLEY QUINN: What? I had to take them for a walk and Times Square always looks so pretty during Christmas Time! All of the lights and Santa Clauses on the corner. Especially those pretty ones with the red heels and dresses who surprisingly ask for larger donations.
DR. PAMELA ISELY: …..
HARLEY QUINN: Then I saw this place called FOX News Studios with all of these beautiful Christmas decorations. The babies caught a scent, were hungry and led me up here.
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Couldn't you see I was having a debate with this gentleman?
(Harley looks behind herself again at the corpse, the hyenas stop for a moment and peer up at Harley and then quickly go back to chowing down as Harley peers back to the camera.)
HARLEY QUINN: Well I don't think he was really payin' attention to ya anyways. I just heard you yelling at him when I got here so I figured I'd take care of him for ya.
(Dr. Isely takes off her glasses and rubs her eyes.)
DR. PAMELA ISELY: Urrrrrggghh, Harley?!
(Dr. Isely puts her glasses back on and Harley disappears from the shot as she bolts off and is off-screen now.)
HARLEY QUINN: Oh lookit, a cute little Christmas tree, can I bring it home?
(Dr. Isely's face turns red, as her face twitches and her eye-glasses begin to crack from the mere frustration and anger she is consuming with.)