I crumbled and crumbled spectacularly at that. I strayed so far from my normal life and now I'm spiralling between overwhelmed and euphoric, it's unpredictable, but it's never a dull moment in my fractured mind. I'm not quite sure what has triggered it this time, have I been taking my meds? I mean I'm pretty sure that I have been.
It's not a usual day, a few observation cases in today, nothing too major for me to handle. If anything, Darwin is experiencing a truly rare phenomenon.
I look down at the cup of coffee in my hands, watching it as it shakes gently in my unsteady hands. The phone rings, I pick it up and answer in the politest tone I can muster.
"Darwin?"
I reach for a pen and a nurse slips a pad of paper across to me and I begin to write down some quick notes, nodding to myself as the information is reeled off to me at a quick pace.
"Right, we'll will have a bed sorted for her arrival, thank you." I speak in to the receiver.
I place the receiver down, and head towards Jac Naylor's office, I knock, waiting a moment before opening the door.
She's sat at her desk, looking up at me as I walk in.
"Jac, we've got a fifteen-year-old girl being sent up from ED. She has arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy and has suffered from a blackout this morning on the way to school." I explain.
"Is she showing any other symptoms?" Jac asks as she gets up.
"She's breathless and her heart rhythm is abnormal. That's all that I can share now.
Jac nods and walks towards me, let's meet them on the ward.
We walk out onto the ward together and meet up with and greet our patient and her parents.
"Do you want to take the lead Dr March?" Jac says proudly.
I nod and clear my throat.
"This is Hollie McAllister, she's fifteen years old and has arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy. This morning she collapsed on the way to school. She's experiencing shortness of breath and has an abnormal heart rhythm." I explain. Jac smiles and walks away looking satisfied, I know that she would happily come help me if I had any questions or problems.
I turn to Hollie's parents and introduce myself, their faces clouded with worry for their little girl. I explain to them what I was going to do, and they nodded as they took in my every word. I turn my attention to my patient, face covered with an oxygen mask, heart readings abnormal. She gives a small smile.

I've helped to monitor Hollie every 10 minutes all day, and I take some time to pop in to see how she is feeling when her parents go down to Pulses. She definitely looks brighter, the oxygen mask no longer on her face. She mentions about her upcoming exams and I ask her if she's thought about what she wants to do when she leaves school.
"Not sure yet, I wanted to be a nurse, but I think it would be too much for me." She says with a sad smile.
"I'm sure with the right support and medication, you would be able to give it a go." I smile. Her eyes light up.
"You think?" She smiles.
"Who knows, you'll go far I bet." I ease, Hollie goes quiet and closes her eyes, immediately the monitor starts screaming out, her BP's at zero, I lower the bed and begin chest compression, pleading with her to keep living. Jac rushes onto the ward within minutes as I desperately try to resuscitate Hollie. The monitors still screeching at me.
"Dr March." Jac eases. "What happened?"
"Sudden cardiac arrest. We were talking, and she just stopped." I explain breathlessly.
"How long has she been in arrest?" Jac asks as she checks for Hollie's pupil response. There's no reaction from Jac except a small sad sigh.
"A few minutes now." I reply, Jac places a hand on my shoulder.
"Dr March, it's time to stop. She's gone." Jac says sadly.
"What? No." Comes my meek reply. "It's not even been five minutes, come on." I'm pleading with Jac.
"Zosia. There's no pupil reaction. She has suffered brain death, there is nothing more you can do." Jac eases sadly as I reluctantly stop resuscitation.
I step back, blinking at Hollie's now still form, my arms, my heart aching.
"Time of death; 15:52." Jac's voice sighs as the monitors are silenced.
Minutes ago we were talking about her future, her hopes, and now, silence. Silence comes from the teenager lying serene on a hospital bed.
I walk away, out into the corridor and towards the staff room. I push the door open and flop down onto the sofa. I've messed up. Big style. What did I miss? I did all the required tests, I observed her closely. Why is she now dead? I place my head in my hands and let out a long, sad sigh. I still must tell her parents, I must tell them that their daughter, their beautiful fifteen-year-old daughter is dead, and I can't shake the feeling of being at blame.

I sit for a while and try to gather myself, my head in my hands. What did I miss? Forty-five minutes have passed, Jac has left me to gather myself, and various people have been in and out and in all honesty, I couldn't say if anyone had spoken to me as I sat in my silent reverie.
I eventually shake my head and stand up, I still have all the paperwork to fill out. I head towards the nurses' station and ask for Hollie's notes, I can sense her watching me from afar, her red, poker straight hair is not exactly subtle. You could always tell when Jac was in the room, the atmosphere changed somewhat. I don't understand why, she's just doing her job, who cares if she prefers her own company when she leaves the hospital, her life is her own.
I fidget with my stethoscope as I write, Jac has not moved from my eye line, she's observing from a distance, I'm not an idiot. She can probably see that I'm nervy and on edge. I'm. I'm scared of what is going to happen next if I'm being truly honest. I'm don't think that I am fully in control. Not now anyway.
Mo gently touches my hand.
"I'm sorry about the ARVC case." She speaks gently and kindly, I nod in acknowledgement, she then tells me that Jac had kindly spoke to Mr and Mrs. McAllister, and delivered the heart-breaking news about Hollie, she explained to them the ins and outs of what had happened, the process of what would happen next, she'd taken the awful job and saved me a heart wrenching conversation.

I end up in the staff room again, frantically writing questions in my notebook that I had picked up off the staff room table, before getting angry with myself and snapping the book shut and tossing it on to the sofa. I stand beside the window watching the clouds crossing the sky, my mind is racing, I'm going over my actions, minute by minute, second by second trying to figure out what happened; did I make a mistake? Did I overlook something? Did I miss something important?
I need to stop; I can't stop, I need to understand. I need to know why she died.
I walk across to the sofa, and sit myself down. I pick my notebook up and open it again, the frantic scribbles of information jump at me, musings of someone desperate for answers.
Ollie tries hard to sound comforting as he appears behind me, but all I feel as he talks is an absolute red-hot rage coursing through my already conflicted body. He places his hand on my shoulder in support and I erupt in an awful torrent of hurtful and cruel words.
This doesn't go unnoticed, and Jac soon appears in the doorway a scowl adorning her face.
"Oliver!" She snaps over our commotion in the staff room. "What the hell is going on here?" She taps her foot impatiently as we both look at her.
"My office." She barks. "Now!"
Both Ollie and I saunter out of the room and Jac follows behind us in haste. We stop at her door and she brushes past us and into her office.
"Close the door behind you." She snaps as she makes her way to her chair. We both stand in front of her desk, Ollie immediately protesting his innocence beside me, I stay silent, looking at my feet.
"Oliver. Shut up." She snaps, and he stops babbling away looking at her in surprise.
"You are no longer allowed to serve your judgement on Zosia's life. You lost that privilege when you hooked up with my sister. If you get involved and then get your head bitten off, I can totally understand why." She says strongly.
"If I so much as see you getting involved with things that do not concern you I will make sure that you get the small cases. Now get back to work." He turns on his heel and leaves the room.
I haven't dared look up from her feet since I came into the office. Tears pooling in my eyes. Anger, fear, sadness, pooling in my stomach.
"Zosia," She eases. "look at me. Please."
It takes an age before I look up at her, tears now silently falling from my eyes.
"It wasn't your fault Zosia." She speaks kindly.
"You know that with ARVC there is a chance of sudden death. Holly just sadly fell into those statistics we so hate." Jac tries to talk sense and understanding into me.
"I should have realised." I reply, my voice thick.
"There was no way to know that the tide was going to turn so fast. Zosia, you did everything you could to help her." Jac eases.
"I didn't do enough." I sigh.
She stands up from her seat and gestures to her sofa.
"Come sit down. You did more than you possibly could have." Jac says as she wraps an arm around me and directs me gently towards the sofa. I sit down and Jac sits beside me.
"I didn't do enough!" I snap at Jac angrily. "I should have done more, been more attentive, recognised the signs." I'm venting, that's exactly what I need, I need to let it all out.
"Go home Zosia, go take some time and start again tomorrow." Jac offers gently.
"No." My reply is blunt and harsh. "I need to know why."
"Tomorrow we will look over everything, but right now it's raw. Take time to sort yourself out. I'm not asking Zosia, I'm telling you to go home." Jac says sternly.
I sigh heavily, then stand up and walk away without another word.

I wander slowly towards the locker room my head spinning with questions which had non-existent answers, at least not yet. I threw open my locker door in a fit of anger, the sound of it colliding with the next locker making me flinch. Everything right now is surreal, like I'm watching my own life implode in front of me. But it's not my life that is shattered into pieces, I haven't lost a child.
I pick up my bag and sling it over my shoulder, taking care as I shut and lock up my locker. I don't look back as I walk towards the stairway, even as Ollie calls out my name, I ignore him and put my head down.
I take a slow walk down the stairs, counting them mentally as I try to make sense of the last few hours, everything is a blur. Patients have become a muddled mess of symptoms, I clash them with others as I still try to think about Hollie.
Before I know it, I am standing outside of the hospital, it's began to rain, and the cool air feels nice on my face. I hail a taxi and get in, saying my home address as I sit quietly in the back.
I watch the world go by in a blur of homes and trees, the driver tries to make small talk, but I don't pay much attention to the words, forming quick and simple answers to what I do hear. When we eventually pull up to my place, I hastily hand him his fare and tell him to keep the change, he nods and says his thanks and then says to me in a gentle tone. "I hope you feel better soon."
"Me too." I find myself replying with a small smile. "Thank you."

I push open the front door and call out for Dom, unsurprisingly, he is not home. We are passing ships most days, I could have done with seeing him. A friendly face wouldn't go amiss right now. I dump my bag on the floor, just out of the way of the front door and make my way towards the kitchen, tears freely falling from my eyes, Hollie's face behind my eyes. I failed her, she's dead. I steel myself against the kitchen top and pick up the various bits of crockery and cutlery and place them in the sink. I sob out loud and pick up the knife with the intention of placing it in the sink with the rest of the washing up, but I sink to the floor and weep, still holding on to the sharp instrument.
It happened in a split second of haziness, the knife in my hand was now covered in blood, my own blood which I had spilled, it was no longer a cry for help, there is some sort of an intent behind it, but right now I'm not sure if it's death I seek or just punishment. I'm overwhelmed and ever so slightly ashamed as I look at the deep gashes on my arm, but my face, I can feel it curling into a sinister smile, am I proud of what I have just done? Or is it just the mixture of the overwhelming emotions colliding at breakneck speeds in my head? This wasn't just about Hollie, this was a mixture of everything, my mental illness being the driving force behind my now self-destructive behaviour.
I know that these gashes are going to need stitching, that's a given, they look deep and my arm is covered in bright venous blood, everything is covered in blood. I move the knife towards my arm again, this time lower, I hover above my already bloody wrist and in those few seconds I decided that this was to be my fate, to be executed by my own fractured mind and now shaking hand. I need release, I need to not feel like this anymore. It's not like anyone cares anymore anyway.
I let myself fall to the ground, tears silently rolling down my face. I'm giving up and then this voice calls out into my flat.

Jac bloody Naylor.