Genre: Shonen-Ai, H/C, angst, romance
Pairing: RuHana as well as MicHana
Rating: PG
Warnings: Not beta-ed but anyone other than me, some mild swearing
Notes:
Italics are thoughts.
//Italics// are song lyrics.
Summation: Song-fic based on Chantel Kreviazuk's song "Leaving on a Jet Plane".
Rukawa's POV. Rukawa's going to America to train for the NBA, but he has to leave the person he loves, Hanamichi behind. Will their bond survive the distance? Will time and separation distort their feelings?
Number #1
//All my bags are packed. I'm ready to go.//
I sat up slowly, shrugging on the shirt I had worn the night before. Picking up my shoes from underneath the bed, I toss them in front of the worn old chair across the way. I try to quickly hop into my pants and sit to tie up my shoes when I hear you roll in bed. You look so gentle when you are asleep. Your red hair is wild and haphazard, a look for which I happily take the credit. My hands have touched you for the last time in a long while, because now I have to go, my Do'aho.
//I'm standing here outside your door,
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.//
We said our goodbyes last night.
"Do well in America, Kitsune!!", you told me with your determined smile and focused eyes.
Your faith in me spurs my ambition to obtain greatness. A greatness I once planned to succeed alone but now there's you.
You who I have to leave behind in order for my dream to begin.
I don't want to leave you alone.
//But the dawn is breaking, it's early morn.
The taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn,//
I move closer to you, kiss you on your forehead. You wanted me to wake you before I left but I won't. I'll never leave if I see tears in your eyes, and I know you will cry for me. You love me sincerely, with all of your being. You have the power to move me...you could make me stay. But I need to do this...for us to be the greatest the world has ever seen.
I touched your cheek lightly and your lips lift in a smile.
How long will it be before I will see this smile again?
//Already I'm so lonesome I could cry.
So kiss me and smile for me,//
The city speeds past in the colourful blur as the taxi hurries to the airport. I can feel the distance between us growing, testing the length of space our bond can endure. The red tether tied to our hearts is stronger than anyone could know, and I refuse to let anyone or anything sever it...
//Tell me that you'll wait for me,
Hold me like you'll never let me go.//
But I knew...I knew we would be separated indefinitely. The better I was, the more training I underwent, and the longer I would be away from my Do'aho.
We're strong; our love can endure this trial.... But I do worry. Hanamichi may not know this about himself but he always has to touch. Compliment or insult, you would earn a touch of some kind from Sakuragi Hanamichi. And now that we have discovered new ways to show our love for one another, he will feel so bereft. Just like I already do.
//I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again -
Oh Babe, I hate to go.//
Things are going well but the competition is gruelling. I had always been the best but I soon came to realize that these guys, the others striving to be in the big leagues, have likely been the best at one point too. But I'll be better than them all. I have to be, because I left behind the greatest thing in the world to do this and nothing is going to stop me.
I'm doing this for us.
This is for us.
But I miss him.
Miss him so damn much.
//There's so many times I've let you down,
So many times I've played around,
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing.//
I made it. God, I couldn't believe it but I did it. Rukawa Kaede was in the NBA for Chicago. When I phoned my Do'aho to tell him the news, he was so proud of me. I swear he had tears in his voice and that made me well up, too. My dream was coming true...and this is as close as I can get to him to share it...
My schedule was packed. When I wasn't playing basketball, I was training and when I wasn't training, I was sleeping. The rookies were encouraged to play up the publicity; attend movie premieres, charity events and whatever we could fit in between everything else.
I had no idea it would be like this. I just wanted to play ball, not escort a Barbie look-a-like down the red carpet. But I did it. Did it all because the Coach, who was nowhere near as warm as Anzai-sensei, insisted I do so.
And it occurred to me too late that maybe this footage was airing in Japan. In the house of one particular Do'aho who would see the vapid yet stunning woman on my arm, count how many weeks it had been since we had last talked, and assume the worst.
When I called him the day after, my Do'aho was calm. He was fine, he said. No big deal. He understood that there were expectations Rukawa had to fulfill and playing up the heartthrob angle might be one of them. He was fine.
Just fine.
When I hung up the phone, I could feel a sense of foreboding. Either Hanamichi is more mature than I gave him credit for or he's not telling me everything. Which seemed impossible, given how much Do'aho loved to talk but the hunch seemed valid.
//Every place I go, I'll think of you,
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you,//
A year had passed and the season was over. We were given vacation time and I packed up my bag as fast as I could. Climbing aboard a privately chartered plane, I sat back and closed my eyes, willing the sleep that had been eluding me for the past 2 months.
I had been playing well, despite my insomnia. It was like all the extra sleep I had during my life actually stored up energy reserves in my stomach or something. Our team gets along fairly well, though the drive to be better than each other is there. I'm just as bad as any of them in that respect, yet we can unify as a colossal force when met with the enemy.
It still doesn't compare to the camaraderie of Shohoku but what could?
I squeeze my eyes shut as the afternoon sun glows brightly through the window of the plane.
I see red...Do'aho...
He's falling away from me. I know it as assuredly as I know that my skin is starving for him. It's been too long. Too long between touches, and if it feels like that to me - to a person who has know the meaningful touches of three people in his whole life - how must
Hanamichi be fairing? He needs to touch...
The sun flickers behind clouds and I see black.
Has he touched someone else by now?
We had talked. Not often enough for either of us but at least once a week or so, I think. He still sounds so sweet and cheerful. He still plays with me, calls me Kitsune and tells me as much as he can. Our phone calls are never long. With all the traveling, I often end up calling him in the very early hours of the morning and he ends up falling asleep on the phone. He used to call my cell phone but after about ten times of me having to hang up to talk to reporters, I guess he just gave up.
And that's not normal for my Do'aho.
But now was my chance to make it up to him.
//When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring.//
The cab dropped me in front of his house. I ran up the steps with my duffel bag over my shoulder, knocked on the door and waited.
The cab drove off and I knocked again, but nothing. There were no sounds inside so Hanamichi wasn't home.
The disappointment was palpable and I felt it even more because I was exhausted from the flight. I sat down on Hanamichi's porch steps and let my bag slump off my shoulder. Leaning my head against a pillar, I closed my eyes and breathed in the familiar scents of my home. I felt something ease inside of me and soon drifted into sleep.
I woke up in the bushes, a light glaring down into my eyes. I covered my eyes and muttered a soft swear word when I hear Hanamichi speaking. I sit up immediately when I see him standing on the porch with a familiar looking guy. My anger sparked but my eyes were feeding on Hanamichi. He looked as good as he ever did. His red hair fully restored to its former style, before he had shaved it. Do'aho seemed taller too but maybe that was because I was sitting in the dirt.
Still beautiful...
"You're very nice but I'm in a relationship with someone. I told you that.", he heard Hanamichi say with an awkward smile and a slight blush, hand bashfully rubbing the back of his neck.
I ducked back a little to peer at the two men, my eyes peeking over the greenery as I analyzed the situation. My back was tense and my face was flushed from being alternately turned on and pissed off. I know that guy.... I know him...
Ryokufu!
Michael Okita...the kono ya'rou that trained in America!
Why was he here, hitting on my koibito?
"Ah, right! Rukawa Kaede, ne?", Michael said with a smile as he placed his hands in his pockets. "He got into the NBA, right?"
Hanamichi nodded and said with pride, "He's playing for Chicago! He'll teach everyone how great Japan can be! NYAHAHA!" Eyes wide, I felt my face burn even further. Super Do'aho, I thought affectionately.
Michael's blue eyes sparkled enticingly and he leaned in close to Hanamichi.
"You're so proud of him. Kawaii." Hanamichi's face was as red as his hair when Michael placed a hand on his shoulder.
"But you're here and he's there. That must be rough." His hand slid down Hanamichi's arm to his hand, holding it lightly.
"America has a lot to offer and it can be hard to turn your back on it. You're waiting on someone who may not be able to turn away from all that."
Hanamichi's face darkened at those words and he looked at his feet. A moment passed and I sat, waiting in the bush as crickets filled the silence.
"I know. Maybe he'll love it there and never come back, ne?" Hanamichi murmured, not noticing that his hand was still being held.
I had to stifle a gasp that threatened to escape me.
I've left him alone for too long...he thinks I love America more than him...
Is that why he's out with Okita?
"He's living his dream...", the redhead continued softly when Michael interrupted him cheerily.
"I've thought of you often since our last meeting."
Hanamichi looked up in surprise.
"But in my head, you were always smiling...and you had much less hair!", the blond man said with a charming smile.
Hanamichi's eyes lowered. "You cocky foreign-"
And so quickly, he couldn't stop him; Michael kissed Hanamichi on the cheek and leaped down the porch stairs. Chuckling, he turned back to see Hanamichi gaping at him. I was gaping at him as well, veins throbbing from my forehead.
Che! Show-off.
Michael grinned. "Think of me, Hanamichi. I'm someone who came back from America to see you! Besides, what you have is much more tempting than what Lady Liberty has to offer." With a wink, he strolled down the walkway with a wave and a jaunty "Oyasumi!"
Hanamichi stared after him before turning to unlock his door, muttering to himself, "More tempting. Che! Maybe if Lady Liberty was a guy, ne Michael?" Laughing a little to himself, he closed the door. The porch light went off and a brooding kitsune was left in the dark, his hand fisted over a velvet box in his duffel bag.
//Now the time has come to leave you,//
I left without speaking to him. I called a cab with my cell and made it back in America almost a full day later. I didn't know what to say to him after what I had witnessed, what I had heard him say.
I've always loved basketball. It was my first love and everyone knew it, including Hanamichi. Nothing was going to come between me and achieving my dreams of playing in the NBA.
And now I was doing it...so why wasn't I happy?
I love Hanamichi but he's secondary. If I can't have both, than Hanamichi is the one that goes. And it looks like I can't have both....
So....
Sou ka.
I placed the wedding ring in a vault the next day.
//One more time let me kiss you,
Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way.//
"Kitsune! Yokatta! I was getting worried about you! How are things in the Big Apple?", Hanamichi exclaims over the phone.
"The Big Apple is New York, Do'aho. I'm in the Windy City.", I say, a fond smile sneaking into my voice despite my reason for calling him.
"Teme, Kitsune!! It's been a month since I've gotten to speak to you and this is what you say?" I hear chips crunching and the faint sound of the TV.
"Do'aho."
"Oi, Kitsune!"
"I have something to say....", I say gravely.
"Eh? Nani? Why do you sound so serious all of a sudden? You weren't cut from the team, were you??"
"Of course not, Do'aho!!" I pull the phone away from my ear and rub my forehead in frustration.
"It's something else, so don't interrupt!" I say, a little more sharply than I meant to.
I hear the sounds of the TV disappear and the munching stop.
"What is it?" Hanamichi returns, sounding as serious as me.
Ok...
I hold down the "Mute" button for a second to clear my throat.
"I have to think of basketball first. Thought of you are distracting me more and more, making it difficult to focus so our relationship is over."
I hear a broken, harsh gasp than silence.
I had hoped he would argue, ask me for more reasons but I guess I can only have one love at a time. I think he thinks so, too.
"I knew it...I knew this was going to happen and Youhei tried to warn me that you love basketball more than anything else...I knew that, too....I-", Hanamichi's words break off abruptly, tears clogging his throat.
Hanamichi...
"I knew I'd lose you in the end."
Tears spring to my eyes.
I want to apologize. I want to say something to comfort him...
"It's my dream...", I mutter.
I hear a sniffle and a deep breath.
"I know it is....so, gambatte, Rukawa. Show them how Japan can does basketball and uh, um-", Hanamichi heaves a watery sigh and finishes quickly.
"Take care....sayonara."
I hear a dial tone and clutch the phone as tears start to fall to the expensive, luxurious carpet underneath my feet.
//Dream about the days to come.//
I love basketball still. The challenge, the speed, the strength. I excelled. I kept up my publicity, granting interviews to sports channels and even got a contract from Pocari Sweat for endorsements. I dated high-profile celebrities and kept up appearances.
This is my life as an NBA basketball player.
Everything I had dreamed of right here, surrounding me with flashing lights, shoes squeaking on a clean basketball court and screaming groupies.
I have it. It's mine...this is my life now.
The fantasy is a reality...be happy.
Be happy, dammit!!
//When I won't have to leave alone,
About the times I won't have to say ...//
I still talk to the others from Shohoku...well, they talk and I listen.
Actually, it's just Ayako-sempai. She started to call everyone after she went to university, checking up on everyone and maintained the link between the Shohoku players after all of the original players had graduated. I've only ever called her to tell her my phone number in America so she was a little shocked when she picked up the phone to find me on the other side.
"Rukawa?? It's good to hear from you! How have you been?"
"Fine. You?"
"I'm good. Everybody's good. University has been tough but Akagi, Mitsui, Kogure and I are thinking about starting a sports store together."
"...I can come to the opening."
Ayako laughed. "Well, nothing's been decided yet but that'd be good advertisement, ne? Big shot Rukawa Kaede at our store!"
I was silent for a moment before asking, "How's everyone else?"
The former manageress' eyebrows arched up in mild surprise but went on to say, "Well, Miyagi's been working as an assistant coach at one of the elementary schools and Anzai-sensei is just relaxing, still coaching occasionally at Shohoku."
My eyebrows lowered.
"And...?"
"And...? Oh, Hanamichi! Do you want to know about him or no? I wasn't never sure if you guys actually became friends in the end or not."
"....we got along. Eventually."
"Oh, good. Well, I talked to him recently and he sounded ok. No news really, except that university is screwing up his time to practice basketball." She smiled and than a thought popped in her head.
"Oh, and I saw an old competitor of ours. Do you remember when Anzai-sensei introduced us to Ofuna-sensei, way back when?"
"Hai."
"Do you recall the foreign basketball player from America, Michael Okita?"
Okita.....
"Rukawa?"
"Hai....I remember.", I returned with an angry tone that Ayako-sempaii took in without a blink.
"He was nicer that I remembered. He moved here, said America was getting a little boring for his taste. Which I didn't really buy but I don't know him very well, so maybe it was true, ne?"
Rukawa grunted a non-committal sound and Ayako went on,
"Michael wanted to get us all together for a game so I helped him round up who we could find. He and Miyagi were getting along much better this time around, provided Michael kept about ten feet away from me. And he and Hanamichi played very well together. They made an excellent pair against Mitsui and Kogure."
"...."
"Rukawa?"
"Ayako-sempai, gomen. I have to go."
"That's ok. Take care, Rukawa."
"Ah....you too, sempai.", and with that I hung up.
Shuffling to my bedroom, I lay down on my enormous bed and stared at the ceiling.
//Oh kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me that you'll wait for me,
Hold me like you'll never let me go.//
Hanamichi...
He smiled at me, his amber eyes illuminated by his love for me. He lay beside me, bronze skin bared to my hungry eyes. I touched his lips and they parted. He sucked my fingers into his mouth and I groaned, not having felt his touch in so damn long. His eyes crinkled up in amusement at and he drew my fingers out of his mouth, leaning in for a kiss. Before our mouths touch, I breathe a sigh of contentment as his body shifts to blanket mine.
Hanamichi...
You make me feel alive....
//I'm leaving on a jet plane//
My watch read 12:21 a.m. as I climbed out of a cab parked in front of Hanamichi's house. After that dream, I woke up with a feeling of such yearning for my Do'aho. I called out for him, looked around and when the realization hit me that it was only a dream, I felt my insides shiver and crumble away. I felt so cold inside...
Why isn't being in America making this feeling go away? This hollow cavern inside me, this centre of bottomless ice - dreams of the NBA used to take some of that cold away. Why isn't it now?
Being here...the ice is coming back.
I need to sit by fire.
I need you, Hanamichi.
//Don't know when I'll be back again -//
I knock on the door and wait. And wait some more.
I knock again and wait, imagining him out with Michael...or in with Michael.
Hanamichi....please answer.
I knock again, losing patience. I consider breaking in and waiting for him when I hear a garbled yell coming from the other side and the door swings open.
"Hanamichi..."
Hanamichi's staring at me in shock, his hair askew, clad in a white t-shirt and blue boxers. I stare back into his warm, chocolate eyes.
Getting his bearings, he gestures for me to enter the house. As he closes the door, Hanamichi turns around with his arms crossed and a controlled expression of curiosity on his face.
"What are you doing here? Don't you have a big game against Seattle today?"
He still follows my career...he still thinks of me...
"I...had a bad dream.", I answered lamely, struggling with my need to do this right.
He gave me a look that questioned my intelligence.
"Don't they have shrinks in Chicago? Or teddy bears?", Hanamichi asked sarcastically. I wanted to chalk it up to being awoken in the middle of the night but I know he's become embittered about us. That's going to make this harder.
At least he's talking to me.
"Hell, get a night light and a nanny. Just because you're a celebrity doesn't mean you can just wake people in the middle of the night for no good reason."
I push my bangs away from my face and let him see my eyes clearly. He looks a bit startled at the vulnerability I'm allowing him to see but I have to take a chance.
"You would've cared once."
He looks hurt by that and looks to the ground for a moment before whispering,
"You cared once too...I think."
His doubts cut me but it's no more than I've come to earn when I chose basketball over him.
"I cared-" I start but he cuts me off with a louder, "It doesn't matter now anyway. It's been a year since we've ended so I don't get why you're here. You've been fine without me, haven't you? You have your number one love with you, to take care of you and keep the demons away."
I shake my head in denial but he ignores me.
"I've had a lot of time to wonder why you were with me at all but than one day, in the rain, I saw this couple going at it in an alley and had an epiphany. You can't really have sex with a basketball, can you? Basketball can bring you sex through groupies eventually but in the mean time, I guess you wanted to practice and be number one in that too, ne?"
Oh God...
I can feel the blood pooling into my feet...how can he think that?
I left him alone and now he's cold...
He keeps going. I think he's trying for closure....I think I'm going to die by the time he gets it.
Hanamichi's face became more and more red as he spoke, eyes familiarly bright with angry passion. He's come so close to me that I feel his hot breath on my face.
"I waited for you. Even when you broke up with me, I still thought there was a chance. You had confirmed all my fears and I sat at home every night after, hoping you would call. But you didn't. Because I would turn on the TV and I would see you playing basketball, or drinking Pocari, or escorting god-knows-who to whatever!! You were dreaming with your eyes open and I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare. But than!" Hanamichi emphasized by shaking a finger in my frozen face, almost triumphantly.
"Someone came along. Someone who wanted me. Who was freaking perfect because he was almost your complete opposite!"
"Who?" I managed to breath out, even though I knew.
"Michael Okita! You probably don't even remember him, ne? Well, he just about kicked your ass in basketball; he's tall, blond, actually smiles! Amazing! And he likes me. And he made me remember that yeah, maybe I can be #1 to someone. He-"
"Stop." I whisper harshly.
I'm amazed. I've hurt him so much. I knew he cared deeply but I don't think I fully recalled how much he loved me once.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you like this."
He's stunned so I take advantage and go on.
"I missed you since the minute I left you. I've felt the need to see you, always. It was gnawing at my insides, Hanamichi, so I came back to surprise you once."
"You came back?? When?"
"I was waiting for you and fell asleep on your porch. When I woke up, you were saying goodnight to that Okita 'aho and I heard you. You thought I'd never come back, that I loved America more than you."
"You did. You do! You said I was distracting you, but we weren't even together! I was here the whole time, wishing we were together but you just saw me...as a nightmare taking the place of your basketball dream."
His eyes shone mysteriously before he turned away and rubbed at his nose. I stared at his strong back for a full minute before he looked at me over his shoulder, Hanamichi asked quietly,
"Was that your nightmare?"
"NO!" the word burst loudly from my lips.
His back was still to me and so I moved closer.
"We were lying in bed together, about to make love."
"Dammit!! That's-!" Hanamichi spins around and I catch him by the arms to keep him still. Catching his eyes, which we mere inches from mine, I tell him, "Wait! That's a good part."
He becomes pink a bit but nods and I go on, holding his gaze with mine.
"You looked so handsome...beautiful, really. You were already naked and just looking at you made me feel so...so hungry. I touched your lips," Daringly, I brush my fingers across his lips and they part with a little shudder as he begins to lose himself in my words. I bite my lip, wanting to eat him alive but keep going, "and you sucked my fingers, like you used to do. So sweetly. You moved to kiss me and as your lips almost brushed mine...I woke up."
As soon as I utter those last three words, Hanamichi straightens up as if he was in a trance.
"That was the nightmare?"
"No...I...I didn't realize where I was right away, when I woke up. I looked for you and than I realized it was a dream. That you wouldn't be there anymore at all...because I pushed you away."
His brown eyes blink at me questioningly when I utter, "And I felt cold again. Colder than I had ever felt before in my life."
I look back at him, somewhat beseechingly when I suddenly feel his arms around me. A gasp I couldn't suppress flies from my mouth and my eyes begin to sting with hope.
"Hanamichi?"
"I know the feeling." he murmurs.
We stand there for quite a while, Hanamichi slowly rocking us side-to-side, offering solace to us both.
I don't know how long we stay that way but there's a feeling of desperation in me that hadn't been yet appeased.
"Are you and Michael serious?" I ask cautiously.
He pulls back but only marginally.
"For his part, I think so but I was never sure if I should be dating him in the first place."
I inhaled noisily and hug him to me.
"I...want to live with you here. In Japan."
He pushes me backs, stunned.
"What about the NBA?"
"I need you more than I want the NBA."
His mouth open and close like a fish when he hears that, but I'm not done.
I've opened up a can of emotional worms, I think.
"I want us to fix things. I want us to stay together and get married someday. Soon."
I'm still getting the fish impersonation so I push his jaw shut and do what I've been dying to do since the morning I had left him nearly two years ago.
I kiss him.
//Oh Babe, I hate to go.//
"Do you have to go?", Hanamichi says as he turns to face me from the bed.
"I have to quit in person.", I say grumpily as I sat on the bed to pull on my shoes, not wanting to leave his lover behind. Hanamichi drapes himself over my back and kisses my neck. "You'll be home soon though, right?"
I turn my face and kiss him soundly.
"Damn right. You break it off with whats-his-name in the meantime."
"Who?", Hanamichi blinks innocently for a moment before a grin breaks out on his face.
I growl at him and he laughs.
Picking up my duffel bag, I feel an unwanted sense of familiarity and I turn to find him kneeling on the bed and looking at me solemnly.
"I have to go."
"Ok.", Hanamichi says reluctantly, red bottom lip pouting.
So cute.
So mine.
My beautiful dream come to life…I don't want to leave you behind…
"Come with me.", I say on impulse.
"What??"
"Come on! The flight will leave in an hour so we need to get going."
"But-!"
I silence him with a short but searing kiss.
"I'm not wasting another second without you."
His brown eyes widen and I kiss him again to wake him up.
"C'mon!"
"Ok, ok!", Hanamichi says laughing, running around naked and packing frantically.
I smile as I watch him crazily trying to get it together.
I hear the cab beep outside and pick up his bag as he tries to lace his shoes faster.
"Let's go."
I start off through the door and he chases after me yelling.
A laugh escapes me and the tender look he gives me makes me wonder how I lasted this long without him.
I tilt my head towards the cab and Hanamichi smiles at me, taking my hand.
I lean to whisper in his ear and walk to the cab, revelling his indrawn breath with secret smile. Throwing the bags inside the taxi, I hold the door for him. As he passes by me to enter, Hanamichi's lips gently brush my ear,
"You're my Number #1, too."
~Owari~