Ch. 1: Clash By Night
The sun slipped behind my eyes and I can't hide beneath my sheets anymore, because the time has come for me again. Another day where I couldn't breathe right and my heart didn't beat right. Nothing was right; even my red hair was all over the place, my green eyes hungry. My name didn't feel like my own, but foreign; Lily. That's me. It is supposed to be.
So many times I wondered if my feet were touching the floor and why the thump of my heart was so alone. I wondered why I felt so lost, even when my name was called, and how come I always find my way back, to what I felt was gone.
I've come so far, I tried to reassure myself. Destruction is never an answer, it scared me that I even contemplated it. It is already the beginning of my last year at Hogwarts, what will I be when I leave? All I've ever known will be left here. Or so I feared.
And now the moon has risen and my sheets call out to me, because my heart beats so lonely. It could crack and I wouldn't know. The ice has frozen it.
I got up and wandered out of my dormitory before my mind caught up to my feet. Sometimes I think my feet have a mind all their own. If only anyone could see me now; a Gryffindor prefect out of bed after hours.
I need to take a walk outside, that's I know what to do. Night after night goes by, and I never sleep. I sit awake drying my eyes. No one sees me that way. They only see the perky Lily Evans, the smart girl with all the answers. I appear to be all self assured, when in reality, that's just not me at all.
I don't know what I'm doing here. It is cold and damp, and watching the giant squid in the lake isn't exactly exciting. I want to scream out to the lake, but I do not even whisper or pass messages, like I do in class. The words break over my head in soft waves, foam washing over me.
Who could picture me slinking away into the night, huddled near the lake behind a tree, shrinking away? No one, yet I wish I was strong enough to show everyone what I really am. I am not a pretty picture. People say a picture is worth a thousand words. So the words lie, as they always do.
In the silence of the night, I should be asleep. Instead I am here awake, alone. The crinkling of leaves behind me crunched, breaking the quietness. I hid myself behind a tree, afraid it was a teacher, and peeked to see a dark figure crouched like me. The more I watched, I saw a reflection of myself, almost.
It was a boy, I could tell. He began to throw rocks moodily into the lake, without mercy. His face was blurred, as I was too far away to really see who it was. After awhile, I realized I like watching this boy. I began to memorize the way he moved, the way he sat. I know the real him, just like the real me.
Abruptly, he got up and walked away, jogging back to the castle. I waited until he was gone from sight, so I could run back to my bed. To the place I was supposed to be.
I crept around the halls as quietly as I could, although I was no master in quietness. Mrs. Norris brushed up against my leg as I walked past the knight in armor. My heart literally sank in my chest, and I knew I was in for it. That damn cat, I thought. Filch soon came up running, panting like a mad man.
"You!" he roared; I froze. I was never in trouble before. There goes that Lily already, the paint is chipping away before my eyes.
"Didn't think yeh'd get caught, did yeh? Well, you've just earned yourself detention, missy," said Filch grinning sadistically. Ironically, all I could think about was the boy. Detention didn't sound so bad after all.
As I was walking behind Filch to sign my name and time that I was "caught in crime," in his office, all I could do was smile.
Perhaps I was getting exactly what I wanted. People were beginning to see the real me.