Chapter One

Have ya ever been sorta not sure of somethin'? Whether or not ya should really be doin' somethin'? Whether or not it's the best thing for ya? I've never really worried about that kinda stuff before. Not since I met Mister J. Ever since I laid eyes on him, I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to please him. All I wanted to do was be his puddin'. And who can blame me? Ain't he dreamy? That's why I helped him escape Arkham, ya know.

And that's why we're gettin' married!

At first, I was really super happy about it! Mister J. and me, gettin' married! And this weddin's gonna be a blast! Ya know why? We're plannin' to blow up half the city for the bachelor's party and the other half for the bachelorette party! For the honeymoon, we sit beneath the stars and watch Gotham go up in flames! Ain't it romantic?

But then somethin' weird started happenin'. I keep gettin' strange dreams. In the dreams, everyone calls me "Dr. Harleen Quinzel" and I work as some sorta doctor. I know that it all happened in real life, but it seems like a different life. Like it ain't my life anymore. I wake up and I feel so weird, and somewhat...what's the word? Nostalgic. It only lasts a couple of seconds, and then I snap back to being Harley Quinn. That's who I am...right? It feels like I can't be sure of anything anymore.

So that's why I need help. Because I can't be sure of anything anymore. What if marryin' Mister J. isn't what I'm supposed to do? I'm torn. My heart belongs to him. It's my head that's spurtin' out all these doubts. I hear people say, "Listen to your heart" all the time, so I tell my head to shut up. Isn't that what everyone says? To listen to your heart?

So the question is, do I listen to my head? Or do I trust in a feeling and give in to my heart? The thing is, my head is where all that nasty logic comes from. (That's what Mister J. says, anyway...) But then Mister J. also says that my head can be a place to make up great jokes! (For example, blowin' up Commissioner Gordon's house. That was pretty funny. Especially when I saw the look on the Commissioner's face!). Just thinkin' about it is hard, so I guess for now, I'm gonna listen to my heart.

Poison Ivy, despite not really bein' in favor of the wedding, is my maid of honor and agreed to plan the bachelorette party. So I get the feelin' there's gonna be a lot of greenery at my bachelorette party. Mister J. said he'd get me some captive party guests for my party as well as his own! It'll be so fun! I also invited a bunch of villainesses from all over! Catwoman, Talia, Cheetah, Star Sapphire, and a bunch of others. Most of them said they were comin', but some of them agreed only because they apparently had nothing better to do. And you won't believe how many guys are comin' to the bachelor party! Okay, okay, well, Lex Luthor ain't comin', (Mister J. didn't really want Luthor there anyway because he's not wild enough) but tons of others are!
"But, Puddin'," I'd said to Mister J. "what about Batman? He'll probably find out about the wedding and crash it!"

"Bats?" Mister J. laughed-that wonderful laugh he's got-and smiled even wider than he usually does. "I'd be disappointed if he didn't come; I've got a special surprise planned just for him!"

So there ya have it. Seems like everything's planned out, right? Not quite! I asked Ivy if she would help me pick my wedding gown and the bridesmaid dresses. She agreed, although she seemed a little reluctant. Anyway, back to the dresses...it's gotta be somethin' that'll wow everyone...somethin' that'll knock even Mister J. right outta his socks!

"Somethin'...explosive!" I made a wide gesture with my arms to indicate a gigantic explosion. "BOOM!" I fell out of my chair, laughing until my stomach hurt.

Ivy replied with uncertainty, "An exploding wedding gown? Won't that kind of... kill you?"

"That's neva' stopped Mister J. before!"

But Ivy looked serious, "Look, Harley, I really think you should call off the wedding."

My eyes widened, "What?! But it's my dream come true! I thought Mister J. would never love me, but it turns out he does!"

Ivy's eyes flashed with concern, "I don't think you realize how dangerous he is, Harley."

"Ivy, I'm in love! Are you gonna stand in the way of true love?"

"Harley, it's called infatuation. This isn't love, it's madness."

"Well, Ivy, what did you expect from a homicidal clown-themed couple? Sanity?" I got up, putting my hands on my hips incredulously, "You came here to help me design dresses. Are you gonna help me or not?"

Ivy hesitated, stroking a Venus flytrap as a thin green vine wrapped itself around her arm. She sighed, "So...explosives?"

Immediately, my smile returned, "Pyrotechnics! Lots of 'em! Ivy, I want fireworks!" I gasped, inspiration hitting me like one of Mister J.'s bombs in Batman's face. "Ivy! What if we had fireworks shooting out of flowers on my wedding gown! It's so...us!"

Ivy gasped, "You wouldn't hurt a poor innocent flower like that!"

I giggled, "Oh Ivy, the flower won't get hurt. It won't be real. You ever heard of a real exploding flower? I wish!"

"Are you sure?"

"Ivy," I took my best friend's hands in my own and looked her in the eyes. "I promise, not a single plant will be harmed in the making of this film."

Ivy cracked a smile, "Alright, alright. What color should we make the bridesmaid dresses?"

"Red!" I cried. "Oh, Ivy, they gotta be red! Red and black! Maybe a splash of white. The gowns should resemble my costume somewhat."

"Alright," Ivy grabbed a sketchpad. "So we know the dress's primary color will be red. How about three black diamonds right around the thigh, right here, see? Like your costume. We could have a white sash with black diamonds...black gloves with red diamonds on them...and...hmm...I know! A black choker with a playing card charm attached to it!"

"Yes, yes, yes! And Ivy, Ivy, Ivy, diamond earrings! Earrings that would match the playing card choker!"

Ivy started scribbling furiously in the sketchbook. After a few minutes of scribbling, discontent looks, erasing, and re-scribbling, Ivy handed me the sketchbook.

I gaped.

I stared.

I gasped, "Oh, Ivy...It's PERFECT!"