Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!

Summary: Ste goes to find Brendan in Dublin.

A/N: How could I not write this after the perfection of this week's episodes? I'm trying something a little different, first person narrative. Mostly Ste but some Brendan too. I'll probably do just the Dublin parts for this. I'm using direct lines from the episode as well and obviously take no claim on them. Also the title of this fic is inspired by that beautiful cover we got in the episode.

The One That I Want

I've never been the most decisive of people. Half the time I don't know what I want on my toast in the morning, so the idea of making this huge, life-changing decision sat heavily on my shoulders until Doug made it for me.

The thing was, when I got on to the plane, I knew that there really was no choice in the matter. Don't get me wrong, I loved Doug, I really did, but it was always gonna be Brendan wasn't it? I sat in my seat, my leg bouncing with excitement. Bloke next to me gave me a dirty look so I did it more to annoy him. It wasn't a long flight really but I was so jittery it felt like forever. I thought about the kids a lot and had frequent pangs of guilt; but then I figured once I got to Brendan I'd be able to go home, right? Except I didn't know what would happen with Brendan when I got there. The way we'd left things…

I tried to focus on the positive side. Cheryl had told Doug that he still loved me. If he was doing his whole martyr act I could easily change his mind, surely? I stared out the window into the clouds. I'd never been on a plane before. My mum wasn't exactly the holiday type and we could never afford it anyway. We went to Butlins once but I ran off and when Terry found me he gave me a black eye for my cheek. Story of my life, init?

When we landed I pulled out the name of the hotel Cheryl had slipped into my pocket when we'd said goodbye. I had to ask at the main desk for his room name. They weren't keen at first but it was a young girl at the counter and when I told her I was there to surprise my Irish boyfriend she got all gushy and let me off.

As I walked down the corridor my heart was beating almost painfully in my chest. I took a deep, shuddering breath as I approached the door, already feeling giddy with excitement. I hoped he would be happy to see me. When I knocked he certainly looked shocked. I yelped out "surprise!" without really thinking about it and pushed my way inside.

I should have known better really. I couldn't believe my eyes. John Paul McQueen. I felt sick to my stomach and tears sprang to my eyes. Brendan looked baffled as to why I was there. John Paul just looked baffled in general. There was a brief conversation where Brendan commented on everyone being gay but I didn't want to stick around for more. He tried to grab me on the way out but I was having none of it. I went straight back to the lift, not wanting him to see me cry.

He ran after me and we argued. I felt like such a fool, leaving my husband to be with him. He eventually got the message and stepped back for the lift to close. Finally I let the tears fall.

Xxx

I ran down the stairs two at a time, somehow managing to pull my vest on in the process. My thoughts were all over the place. Steven. Steven was here. He'd come for me.

He came out of the lift and I could tell he'd been crying. My chest felt tight. I didn't know what to say to him to make it better.

"What do ye want from me, huh?"

He eventually stopped to talk to me. Something about whether the guy upstairs, the McQueen, was why he needed to stay away. It was a ridiculous concept. Did he not understand what he meant to me? Of course not, I'd made sure of that. Or at least I'd thought I did.

"Why can't we just be together?"

It pained me to hear that. I didn't know how to answer him until I saw the lady of God in front of me. That strengthened my resolve. I had to hurt him, with my words this time. Anything to make him give up, to give up on me. It was the last thing I wanted but what else could I do?

"Some people don't deserve a happy ending."

That much was true at least.

"You're scared, aren't you?"

His words cut like a knife. He was always so damn perceptive. He argued that it was because we could actually be together now and that scared me. But that wasn't it. I had to stay away, I had to, for his own sake. I upped my game; mentioned the American, the boys I could bed. It all tasted bitter in my mouth. I didn't want random fucks, I wanted him. I didn't want him to go back to Douglas, the thought sickened me. But it was all I could do to get the message to him.

"Fine. Fine. Fine."

He'd finally accepted it. He wasn't ashamed to cry in front of me, or maybe he couldn't help it. I could feel my own eyes moistening but I held it together.

"Well I'm gonna go now, to America, and you'll never have to see me ever again."

When I knew he was gone, that's when I let it overpower me.

Xxx

I walked down the streets of a place I didn't know or understand, bags still clasped in each hand. It was cold and there were people everywhere, preparing themselves for Christmas. I didn't want to go to America. It didn't feel right. Even if Brendan didn't want me, I knew deep down it wasn't right to go back to Doug. It wouldn't fill the hole in my heart.

I wondered what Brendan would be doing now. Would he go back to John Paul and carry on where they left off? It was ridiculous that the thought bothered me. I shouldn't care anymore but it was impossible. I remembered his words about a bridge and headed in the direction of one in the distance. I don't know what I was hoping for really. Some answers? I just needed time to think and it looked so beautiful up there. Perhaps I could stay here for a few days; but it seemed too optimistic. A small part of me hoped he would come after me, like he always did, and I hated myself for thinking it.

I glanced over and saw a couple, an actual happy couple, smiling at each other and everything, fiddling with a lock on the bridge. It made me ache with longing. I watched them walk past me and felt something stir. There he was, looking at me. I turned away but already my heart was beginning to pound.

"They're called love locks," he said. "If ye love somebody ye write both yer names on a padlock and throw the key into the river. Ye weren't thinking of doing one, were ye?"

Was he mocking me?

"Don't flatter yourself!" I bit back, but my heart wasn't really in it. Just the feeling of him behind me was making my skin tingle. I heard him approach me, I could feel him, practically smell him.

"I didn't think I was gonna see ye again."

"Thought that's what you wanted."

"It's not."

"So what do you want?" I didn't understand him.

His expression was unguarded, like he was desperately trying to tell me something. A small, treacherous voice in my mind told me it was me he wanted, but I didn't dare listen to it.

I didn't let him answer in the end. I couldn't bear any more disappointment. "In fact forget it. I'm not going through this again-"

"Steven-"

"I'm not having you mess me around anymore, right? I've given up everything for you. Right, I've let me kids down. I'm supposed to be with them right now starting a new life in America with a guy that actually loves me. But instead I come over here for you and find you in bed with another man."

"I never said I was a monk, Steven."

"'I never said I was a-' who do you think you are, eh? Is that the best you can come up with? I can't believe I thought you'd changed. You know, I thought I'd get over here, and things would be different this time. But it's not, is it? You are never gonna change so goodbye, Brendan."

I stormed away. The tears were stinging my cheeks along with the wind. I wanted to get as far away from there as possible. But then he spoke.

"I didn't think ye were gonna make it." I paused, heart in my throat. "After the accident, I thought ye were gonna die."

He looked like he needed to say more. I kept deadly still.

"I promised God that if ye pulled through, I'd stay away."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What, did you think God was just gonna strike you down with lightening? What century do you live in? Right, you're not normal!"

He smiled at that. "I couldn't of lost ye, Steven." He swallowed, the tears in his eyes mirroring my own. "Even if that meant never seeing ye again. I… I couldn't of lost ye."

He looked genuine. I remembered the last time I'd seen him like this, laying himself on the line. That first time he'd told me he loved me. I'd thought then we were unbreakable, that this was it, this was our time. But now I knew I was wrong. This was it. This was our time. Maybe.

"So why didn't you tell me then?" I was still angry. If he'd told me sooner I could have knocked some sense into him.

"I just want the best for ye. Always have."

I could hardly take in what he was saying. I had to ask. It blurted out of me without any control on my part.

"Why are you here?"

And that was when it all changed.

"'Cos I love ye." I stared at him in disbelief, a single tear rolling down my face. My heart was swelling with joy and fear. I couldn't lose him after this, not like before. "'Cos I can't live my life without ye. I love ye, Steven."

I was speechless for several beats. My next words came straight from the pit of my stomach, the words that had always been a part of me I'd never dared to express again. Because saying them broke the spell. They made the both of us open to hurt and heartbreak and to say them now would be to seal my own fate. To admit that I was ready to try again, to be with the one I wanted, was the ultimate leap of faith. But I was gonna take it, no matter the consequences.

"I love you too." The relief was immense. He stepped closer and I knew what he was gonna ask before he said. Except he didn't ask, and that was Brendan all over. I loved him for it.

"I'm gonna kiss ye now. Come here." It wasn't like before, when he'd wanted a piece of me only he could claim. Now he wanted all of me; no games, no fear, just the two of us. How it should have always been.

I found myself smiling as I dropped my bags to the floor. He reached for me immediately, snaking his hand at the back of my neck and drawing me close. I felt his hand on my chest and then my face. He was kissing me with such tenderness I could hardly breathe. I placed my hands at the back of his head, making the kiss deeper, more passionate. His hand found my waist and it was like an electric current ran through us. I would never tire of this, never.

When we finally broke apart neither of us could stop smiling. My face hurt with the effort of it; I wasn't used to being this happy and neither was he. He grabbed one of my bags and I took the other, and then I took his arm because this was really it. He was mine, finally. And I was never gonna let him go.