So, before we start on this magical journey, you should know something.

Because of the 'No Second-Person' rule, I cannot put this in true Homestuck format.

So, you`ll have to bear with me.

Now, I present you with... HOMESTUCK.

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 31st of May, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

Vile Poofart

No, that will not be his name.

Try again.

Tiberius Thompson

Good!

His name is TIBERIUS. As was so kindly mentioned before, today is his BIRTHDAY. A number of EMPTY POP-TART BOXES are scattered about his room. He has a variety of INTERESTS, many of which other people consider very stupid. He has a passion for SUPERHERO MOVIES. He likes to play video games, and is QUITE GOOD AT THEM. He has a fondness for FAIRY-TALES, and is an aspiring ACTOR.

What will he do?

Retrieve arms from closet.

What the hell?

He already has arms, idiot.

And why would he keep them in the closet?

That`s just silly.

If anything, he`d keep them in some sort of MAGIC CHEST, but, sadly, he has arms and no magic chest.

Open normal chest.

Finally, something this boy can do!

He opens the chest.

Examine contents of chest.

The chest is full of POP-TARTS.

Oh, heavens, he`d better not look at those, lest he- Oh, sugar.

Look at what you`ve done. Tiberius is now eating all of his POP-TARTS.

You know what? No more of this.

You aren`t fit to guide this boy, so I will take over from here.

WILD SWITCH TO FIRST-PERSON TO BETTER GUIDE TIBERIUS!

I am now Tiberius.

I look around my room, and catch sight of something on my dresser.

Curious, I decide to see what it is, and pick up the card that lays next to it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON.

YOU ARE A DISGRACE, BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANYWAYS.

I pick up what is surely a ROLLED-UP POSTER, and decide to hang it up.

I will first need some way to hang it up, though.

A HAMMER AND NAILS sure would come in handy here, but, alas, I don`t have those, either, just this HANDY STAPLEGUN.

I CAPTCHALOGUE both items, and promptly hang the POSTER on the wall.

It is absolutely glorious. He must`ve actually listened the last time I spoke to him.

I run my hands over the beautiful AVENGERS POSTER, and sigh deeply.

While I`m at it, I should probably pay a bit of attention to my other amazing POSTERS.

I ogle my SUPERMAN POSTER, stare longingly at my DARK KNIGHT POSTER, and finally meticulously study my SPIDERMAN POSTER.

But, before I have time for more SUPERHERO GOODNESS, someone begins to pester me!

I sit at my COMPUTER. I spend most of my time situated right here, which says something about how interesting my life is.

The PESTERCHUM application is flashing like crazy, telling me someone wants to talk.

Only one of my CHUMS are online. She`s messaged me, it seems.

- - frigidlyAuthorial [FA] began pestering kaleidoscopicNightmare [KN] - -

FA: Tiberius!

FA: Today is your birthday, is it not?!

KN: c=|====- ...yeah, I gnezz zo.

KN: c=|====- ...bnt it`z uot that zpecial.

FA: GASP!

FA: How can you SAY THAT, Ti?!

KN: c=|====- ...becanze it`z trne.

FA: No.

FA: I refuse to let you spread your birthday-hating ways, you... you PARTY POOPER.

FA: So, if this is how you`re going to act, then I shouldn`t have even contacted you.

KN: c=|====- ...millom, cowe ou.

KN: c=|====- ... I`w zorry.

FA: SORRY DOESN`T CUT IT! YOU DON`T MEAN IT! WE BOTH KNOW IT!

KN: c=|====- ... I do weau it, mill.

KN: c=|====- ...I`w zorry for iuznltiug birthdayz, I kuom hom wuch yon love thew.

FA: Well... I suppose I can forgive you, seeing as how you`re my best friend.

FA: Has the beta reached you, by the way?

KN: c=|====- ...uo.

FA: Hm. Well, it`ll get there soon enough!

FA: Oh, got to go! Talk to you later! :3

KN: c=|====- ...nutil theu.

- - frigidlyAuthorial [FA] ceased pestering kaleidoscopicNightmare [KN] - -

I look outside for what must be the hundredth time today, and see that the little red flag-arm-thing is up!

That MUST mean it`s here!

Oh no. My DAD just pulled in.

Well, screw going down there to get my stuff. I can wait.

I`m so excited for the beta! I have its launch date on your calendar, even though it was supposed to arrive a few days ago.

But it has to be here now, right?

If it`s not, then that`ll be really depressing.

Oh, look. Willow is pestering me again.

She tells of some sort of STRIFE SPECIBUS?

I dig through my closet, coming up with a broom.

Willow says to look at the back of my STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS I have in mind.

I select the correct one, and find that my STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the BROOMKIND ABSTRATUS.

I head downstairs to find my beta, not really caring anymore if my DAD sees me.

I don`t even bother with my DISGUISE I have prepared.

When I get to the living room, I see a huge box.

Giddy, I open it.

Inside is a lifetime supply of Pop-Tarts.

My eyes widen, and my breath is caught in my throat.

This is... glorious.

I take my Pop-Tarts and ABSCOND to my room.

Once there, I see another CHUM is pestering me.

Curious, I see who it is.

- - revolvingdoorsEscalator [RE] began pestering kaleidoscopicNightmare [KN] - -

RE: hai tibeeeeeeeeerius!

KN: c=|====- ...mhy hello there, Jawie.

RE: hehehe!

RE: bro, i herd you got the BETA!

KN: c=|====- ...I haveu`t checked wy wail yet, zo uo.

RE: your dad got it, didn`t he?

RE: TIBERIUS, RETRIEVE THE BETA.

RE: RETRIEVE IT NOW.

KN: c=|====- ...fiue.

- - kaleidoscopicNightmare [KN] ceased pestering revolvingdoorsEscalator [RE] - -

I head downstairs again, and check my dad`s STUDY.

He isn`t in there, but I need nothing from there.

I go outside, and check the mailbox.

Nothing.

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

It is my thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from my life. The game presently eluding me is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, I am certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.

I have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

So, of course that last part is directly from Homestuck, as was the first part.

Not meaning to plagiarize, just trying to show you guys how much better Hussie is than I am.

I am unworthy.

All credit to Andrew Hussie for those lines.