Cactus Karma - oneshot post ep for episode 6.14 Black Wind. From the title, you may be able to guess what it's about...
AN: So, I don't really know what to say about this little story... I'm not usually one to write humour outside of a larger plot, but this idea just hasn't left me alone since the episode aired, so I couldn't not write it. I'm trying to put together a more serious post ep for this episode as well for something Deeks did in the episode, but apparently I needed to get this out first...lol. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing!
Disclaimer - I own nothing. I am simply borrowing the characters for my own (and hopefully others') amusement.
Kensi bites down hard on her lower lip, stifling a laugh. Well, she's technically already laughing. Her body is shaking almost painfully as she sits on the short wheeled stool beside the hospital bed. Her fingers actually hurt from being held so tightly in fists at the effort, but she's determined not to laugh out loud. Old Kensi would have. Old Kensi who was just partner Kensi would have been laughing maniacally at her partner's...misfortune. But new Kensi, who happens to be both partner and girlfriend is doing her best to not to openly laugh out loud at her boyfriend's...predicament.
Lying on his front on the bed, Deeks's face is buried in the thin hospital pillow.
Still stifling a laugh, she reaches forward and runs her fingers through his hair. His body is tense on the bed, but he sighs when she touches him, so she'll take the win. "Thank you for coming to the hospital."
"I would have been fine," he grouses, not bothering to lift his head. His words are muffled through the pillow, but she has no trouble understanding him.
She rolls her eyes. "You couldn't sit down."
"I could have if I wanted to."
Hand still in his hair, she tightens her grip and tugs just a little. "You were in pain."
"Not enough to come here."
A laugh escapes her lips without her consent. She covers for it quickly by coughing.
He lifts his head from the pillow to glare at her. His cheeks are red; have been since she dragged him to the hospital an hour earlier. In nearly five years together as partners, she can't remember ever seeing him so embarrassed.
"Sorry," she soothes, and then shrugs. "And stop looking at me that way. I happen to have a vested interest in that particular part of your anatomy."
Either her apology or reminder of her appreciation for his physical attributes appeases him - she believes it to be the latter - and he puts his head down. She returns her fingers to his hair.
"When it's over, I'll take you for ice cream..."
"I don't want ice cream," he retorts.
She smiles. "How about I get you really drunk?"
His body tremors and she smiles because she's pretty sure she's made him laugh.
"Agreed. But at home."
She can't resist. "I guess you're not going to be up to sitting on any hard bar stools any time soon..."
"I hate you."
She ducks down to press a kiss to the back of his head. "No you don't."
He sighs. "No, I don't."
"Come on Deeks. If this were the other way around, you wouldn't let me hear the end of it." She pauses. "Of course, I'd never get cactus thorns stuck in my ass..."
"Changed my mind; I do hate you."
She laughs again. She's about to retort, but is interrupted when the curtain offering them privacy from the rest of the ER is pulled back.
A middle aged, dark haired doctor appears holding Deeks's chart. "Hello, I'm Dr. Asgard. I'll be taking care of you today."
It takes every second of undercover experience Kensi has to school her features when the doctor introduces himself. Because, of course his name sounds like ass guard and Deeks is here for...well, an injury that could have used one. She doesn't fail to notice that Deeks doesn't even lift his face from the pillow.
"And you are Martin Deeks?" Dr. Asgard continues, clearly not seeing the humour in his own name.
Deeks mumbles something into the pillow.
"I'm sorry?" The doctor asks.
"Marty," Kensi translates for him.
"Marty," Dr. Asgard corrects easily as he closes the curtain behind himself. "And you are?"
"Kensi," she introduces herself. "De-Marty's par-girlfriend." She makes a face at herself. They spend so little time in the 'real world' that she's not used to introducing herself as his girlfriend. In fact, this may actually be the first time. They spend so much time at work that she wonders if she'll call him Deeks and partner forever? Maybe they just need to spend more time doing normal things in the real world. She wonders briefly if it's too soon to introduce him to her friends.
If Dr. Asgard notices her stumbling over her words, he lets it go. "So, I understand you had a little run in with a cactus and the cactus won?"
Kensi laughs before she can stop herself, not having expected the doctor to make a joke. Before her, Deeks groans into the pillow.
"How exactly did this happen?"
Deeks sighs heavily and finally lifts his head. "I bent over in front of the cactus..."
"How many thorns?"
"Five." Kensi answers as Deeks settles his face back down into the pillow. "We pulled them out-"
Deeks mumbles into the pillow.
Kensi rolls her eyes and corrects her statement. "Fine. I pulled them out." She reaches to bury her fingers in his hair again. "I thought I was helping. But there must be a barb or a piece that broke off because it's been a few days and it...looks like it may be getting infected."
Deeks groans into the pillow.
She has to bite back a laugh again.
"And this was the right buttock, correct?"
Kensi forces herself to keep a straight face as she nods and says, "Correct."
"I'm going to take a look," Dr. Asgard says as he lifts the thin sheet that has been covering Deeks's otherwise bare lower half. He 'hmms' several times as he pokes at the red and inflamed area.
Deeks flinches several times, but says nothing. Kensi tugs at his elbow, but he won't allow her to pull his arm out from under the pillow supporting his head, so she pushes her hand under the pillow in search of his own. When her fingers find his, his grip is strong and grateful. She replaces her free hand into his hair.
"I see the problem," Dr. Asgard says. "Probably a small piece of thorn still imbedded. Your body is working it to the surface, but there is definitely an infection brewing. I'll make a small incision to remove it, give you a shot of antibiotics and you should be good as new." He reaches for the instrument tray in the corner as he settles himself onto a stool similar to Kensi's. "In the future, though, try to keep the bedroom activities away from dangerous plants."
Kensi's gaze shoots up to the doctor at his words. "What? You think we were... No." She feels her cheeks redden. "No. No no."
Dr. Asgard simply shrugs as he prepares to remove the piece of cactus thorn. "You'd be surprised how many sex related injuries we get in here. I'm not judging. In comparison, this is relatively tame."
Okay, her cheeks were now officially redder than they'd ever been in her entire life and she's pretty sure they're hot enough to burn her. "We were not having sex!" She hisses. Deeks tenses under her hands. "Not that we don't... I mean. I..." She shakes her head. "I am not talking about this."
Deeks takes pity on her and raises his head. "We work together and it happened at work," he explains. He shoots her an amused glance. "Fully clothed. In front of our coworkers, who thought it was hi-larious. I was the butt of their jokes," he says dryly.
"My mistake. I'm just going to numb the area. Small pinch," he says, inserting a needle near the injured area.
Deeks stifles a groan and buries his face into the pillow again.
"We just need to give it a moment to take effect." Dr. Asgard says. "Now, if this happened at work, we should fill out a Workers' Compensation form."
Deeks shakes his head without raising it and mumbles.
"He said 'please, don't.'"
"Mr. Deeks-"
"Seriously," Deeks says, raising his head again. "The last thing I want is for anyone at work to find out about this."
Kensi snorts. "Callen and Sam would never let you live it down."
He narrows his eyes at her. "Don't you dare."
Her hand had shifted to the base of his neck when he lifted his head. She runs it along the side of his jaw now as she leans down to meet his eyes. "I got your back, partner." On another day, it may be fun to mess with him and threaten to 'out' him to their team, but today she knows he's feeling vulnerable and needs all the reassurance she can give him.
"You swear?"
"Cross my heart." She pulls her right hand from his momentarily to cross an 'X' over her heart.
He just stares at her.
"Scouts honour," she tries, now holding her hand up with her pointer and middle finger up and together.
He smiles at the gesture. "We both know you were never a boy scout. Probably too tame for you."
"Fine," she says, still holding her hand up. "My honour," she makes a face at the term. "My guarantee." She nods. That sounds better. "The Kensi Blye Guarantee," she says, putting the gestures together, crossing an 'X' over her heart and then holding up her pointer and middle finger.
"The Kensi Blye Guarantee," he echoes.
"Just for you," she says softly.
He offers her a smile before replacing his face back into the pillow. She reaches her hand back under the pillow for his, and smiles to herself when he allows her to tug it out from under the pillow this time.
"Feeling numb?" Dr. Asgard asks.
"Yup, let's get this over with."
Kensi holds his hand tight as the doctor removes the cactus thorn. The number of times Deeks flinches and grips hard at her hand strongly suggest he's not as numb as he'd like the doctor to believe and simply wants to get out of the hospital, but she says nothing. She's the girlfriend in this situation, not the partner. Her job is support.
The process is surprisingly fast. Dr. Asgard gives Deeks the shot of antibiotics, applies a bandage and then excuses himself. He returns a minute later with a small cup of water and a pill.
"Pain killer," he explains.
Deeks begins to shake his head, but the doctor stops him. "I've read your file. I know what you were here for last time. And the time before. And the time before that." He offers Deeks a supportive smile. "So, I know not to bother offering you a prescription. But pain management is important. So, take this, stay for about an hour so we know there are any issues, and then go home and sleep. By tomorrow morning, you should be close to good as new."
"Okay," Deeks relents and takes the pill. "Thank you."
"No, Detective, thank you." He smiles."Just do me a favour and stay away from sharp plants in the future," he says and then disappears behind the curtain.
Deeks props himself up on his elbows and sighs.
Kensi pulls her stool as close as possible to the hospital bed and lays her hands over his arms.
He cocks his head at her, considering.
She stares down at their hands.
"I guess that wasn't too bad," he tells her.
"I'm glad you're not in pain," she says softly.
He sighs again. "Kens..."
She looks up and meets his eyes. "It's stupid. I just...don't like the reminder."
"Of the times we've been here before," he finishes for her.
"Of the times you've been here before."
"Well, if you were actually human and needed medical attention like most people after they, oh I don't know, get beat up, get hit by cars, take sniper rounds to the vest, etcetera, then we'd be here for you, too sometimes."
She laughs, knowing he's trying to make a joke to make her feel better. She sobers quickly. "The first time you were here...when you got shot..." She trails off, trying to find her words. He shifts a little in the bed so he can grip her hand, but he stays quiet. Deeks the boyfriend is learning to stay quiet when she is learning to express her feelings. It's a tough process, but there's no one she'd rather do this with than him. "I was scared," she finally says. "I was surprised by how scared I was. But then you were okay and you were awake. And...you seemed...fine. And I cared, but..."
"But we were just partners," he fills in for her, showing her he understands what she's telling him.
"We were just partners," she confirms. "I didn't know enough about you to fill out the forms." They share a smile, because she had filled out his forms today without blinking. She swallows hard. "But the last time you were in the hospital..."
He tenses, but doesn't break eye contact. In fact, he squeezes her hand. They've talked about what happened before and after, but never really addressed what happened right in the middle of the whole situation.
"I just wanted to...hug you," she admits. "We spent hours looking for you and Sam, and the whole time I just wanted you to be alive. And you were, but I didn't consider what they would do to you. And you were so... I've never seen you like that. And I was..." She trails off.
"Scared?" He offers.
She releases a tense breath. "Scared," she echoes. "I thought it would be okay when we got you to the hospital, but it wasn't. And I just really wanted to give you a hug."
He tugs her closer until she's leaning onto the hospital bed right beside him, her head bumping against his. He awkwardly throws his free arm over her shoulders. "This is the best I can do from this angle."
Kensi releases a laughing breath and presses her forehead against his. "Thank you." They stay pressed close together for several moments until Deeks shifts uncomfortably.
"Sorry," Kensi murmurs, moving to sit up.
"Hey, no," he says, stopping her with a gentle hand on her forearm. "Don't go far," he requests. He lays back down, this time with his arms folded on the thin pillow and his chin resting on his arms.
Kensi smiles and settles beside him, elbows resting on the mattress, chin resting in her palms. She watches quietly as Deeks's eyes droop and each blink grows heavier. When his eyes finally shut, she reaches forward and slides her fingers through his hair.
"I like it when you do that," he says, his words slurring slightly.
She winces, having thought he was asleep. His eyes open again. His gaze is less focussed than normal; a result of the pain killers, but his eyes find hers. She smiles at him and continues to run her fingers through his hair. "Glad you like it," she tells him. "Cause I'm not about to stop."
"I always knew you liked the hair..."
She rolls her eyes, but finds she can't bring herself to deny his statement.
Deeks sighs and his eyes slip closed again. For a minute she wonders if he's fallen asleep. And then his eyes fall open and he stares at her. "Kensi," he says.
She smiles. "Deeks."
"You know what I just realized?"
It's dangerous to humour him when he's not drugged, so she has no idea what she's in for now, but she does it anyway. "What did you realize?"
He beams at her. "You used touché right."
She narrows her eyes at him. "I always use touché right."
"That statement is as incorrect as your normal usage of touché."
She snorts a laugh.
"But a couple days ago, on the case, when we went to pick up Alejandro, you used it right."
"Oh, you mean when you said we should get a water softener for my personality?" she says dryly.
"See? You remember."
She shakes her head. "That wasn't exactly the point I was trying to make..."
He smiles at her, his expression drugged and a little lopsided. She kind of thinks he looks adorable.
"You're really drugged right now, aren't you?"
He purses his lips and then shrugs awkwardly from his position. "A little. But I'm injured."
She laughs. "You have an ass injury."
He laughs with her. "Maybe I need an ass guard."
She snorts. "Oh my God. I've never wanted to laugh more."
"Are we horrible people for thinking that was funny?"
It's her turn to shrug. "Probably." She pauses and considers him. "Thank you for coming here with me today. I know you didn't want to. But I..." She sighs. "I don't like seeing you in pain."
"I get it," he tells her. Then he does the awkward shrug thing again. "And it's okay. You're taking me for ice cream to make up for it."
"I thought you wanted to get drunk?"
"Well, now I want both."
"Who says you get both?"
"I got two needles. In my ass. Plus the doctor cut a hole. In. My. Ass. That means I get ice cream first and drunk after."
Kensi doesn't even bother trying to stifle her laugh this time. She grips onto his forearm with her fingers and nods. "Yeah, okay. Ice cream first and then drunk after. You deserve it."
"Promise?"
"Of course."
"Kensi Blye Guarantee?"
She rolls her eyes, but she smiles as she crosses an 'X' over her heart and then holds up two fingers. "Kensi Blye Guarantee," she confirms.
He smiles at her. "Only for me."
She smiles back. "Only for you."