A/N: Oh my gosh, I have no idea where this came from, but I love it so much.
Jeez I've been saying that about a lot of one-shot's these days…
But this is relevant to what I'm actually studying and holds references to a story I love up the ying-yang! And, and, it's so totally mind-fuckingly weird!
I. LOVE. IT.
Seriously. I do. It just fits my effed up mood so well…
BTW LISTEN TO THIS SONG. Tokio Hotel = 3 Super Love to the nth degree. Lol.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, any of its characters or anything that affiliates itself to DN. I do own the mind-fuckery in this short story though. I will lay claim to that. Lol. I also don't own the song "Strange" by Tokio Hotel (featuring Kerli) even though I totally wish I owned them. Uh… I shouldn't have admitted that out loud huh? ^.^;
Warnings: Because I know somebody will stumble upon this and be like 'WTF I WAS NOT MENTALLY PREPARED FOR THIS! FLLLAAAMMMEEE!' so here we go; if you can't stand (I mean literally can stomach it even when it is not explicit) issues with self-mutilation, drug abuse (in this case, prescription), angst and general crazy shit that looms into the 'wtf? I'm so confused' category, you probably shouldn't read this. I mean, there's nothing really all that explicit, but hey, some people need to be warned. Lol.
"A freak of nature
Stuck in reality.
I don't fit the picture.
I'm not what you want me to be.
Sorry…
Under the radar-
Out of the system-
Caught in the spotlight,
That's my existence.
You want me to change…
But all I feel is strange!
Strange in your perfect world.
So strange…
Strange!
I feel so absurd in this life.
Don't come closer!
In my arms,
Forever you'll be strange-
Strange..."
-"Strange" by Tokio Hotel featuring Kerli
Title: Strange
The light gleamed off the blade with near perfection making his dark gray eyes shine with newfound anticipation.
There was no rhyme or reason to his actions.
No real motive to actually try what he was going to try.
But…
There was no reason not to either.
The metallic edge of the razor blade he held within his fingers began to dull over as a large rain drop plopped heavily over its mirror-like reflection, the scattered pieces of his face blurred and pale.
Why was he doing this?
Bored?
Tired?
Depressed?
Carefully stepping forward, he stared down at the dark abyss in front of him and smiled.
A large rip of skin hung from his arm as a torrent of bright red fell onto the ground along with the cascade of water falling harshly from the sky above him, the sound of an angel's crying ringing within his ears.
Did he just…?
What?
His arm became littered with cuts and yet he couldn't remember actually doing the cutting. His wrist stung heavily as it was peeled open, the razor no longer its original steel color and now splattered in red.
What was he doing?
Dropping the sharp instrument before it could do more harm, he stared at the bleeding arm with a morbid fascination that irked even him. The white cloth of his shirt fell over his hemorrhaging appendage and settled over the dull pain like a heavy sheet of metal over a delicate strain of silk.
Rhyme or reason…
There was no rhyme and reason.
Perhaps that's why…
L didn't hear the heavy set of footsteps behind him as his eyes began to close and he felt his body tilt backwards, the stinging pain slapping his brain into immediate action even as the ounces began to pour out of his body and onto the ground.
There was no use living in a world where nothing mattered.
Especially someone as useless as himself.
"I'll be back soon." L whispered into Light's ear as he got up from his spot on the couch, eyes guarded for some reason the younger man could not fathom. "I have to go pick something up from the store."
"Ok." Light nodded in response. "Don't forget to bring an umbrella."
The dark-haired 30-year-old shrugged before making his way out of the house, patting his pocket as if something precious was held inside it.
Light held in his breath as he stared, the heavy feeling in his gut exploding violently until his feet made the decision for him and he went looking for his jacket.
"Silly…" Light mocked himself lightly as he traced the thin strip of plaster set across his cheek. "I'm being silly."
Into the trash you go…
L stared as the tiny tablets fell into the tiny hole of his sink, the running water drowning out the clinking sound as the pills hit the outer rim of the drain and fell down the rabbit hole…
I'm sure someone will find that helpful in their water supply.
His head felt a bit light and his hands began to shake as he finally realized just what he done, but he did not regret his decision. Taking the bottle and shoving it into his pocket, L nearly snickered as he bounced out of the kitchen.
I'll feel better soon.
Passing by the living room as he marched to the large staircase leading up to his and Light's shared bedroom, he sent his boyfriend a loving smile as the younger man reading didn't even react to the sudden grin being aimed at him.
I love him so much…
Before he caught himself rushing towards his light-haired lover and kissing him into oblivion L forced himself onwards.
So much, so much, so much, so much, so much, so much…
Throwing the orange prescription (the word 'Seroquel' taunting him as he did so) bottle into the trash (where Light wouldn't be able to find it) and feeling ten thousand times better about the situation at hand, L bounded back down the stairs and smothered his boyfriend with a series of kisses and hugs that nearly scared him.
You don't know how much Light.
"L, please stop it." Light warned as he stepped back, a fearful look settling within his eyes. "You're going to hurt yourself if you don't sto-"
A loud crash reverberated throughout the house as another vase hit the wall, this one splattering not even a few centimeters away from his face. Light cried out as a stray piece of porcelain hit his face, a thin stream of blood running down his cheek as the fresh feel of pain hit his face.
L's rage immediately subsided as he heard the strangled yelp and rushed to his boyfriend's side, eyes widening as he studied the cut formed on his lover's visage with a careful finger. Taking a series of deep breaths and trying to keep at the calming techniques his therapist had taught him in case such a situation occurred, L winced as a hand touched his own cheek, surprising him with the wetness he felt there.
"It's ok." Light whispered, just as understanding as always. "We'll talk to your psychiatrist. We'll get you a new medication. Everything will be ok. I promise."
The older man sighed as he let his head fall against Light's shoulder, the tears falling down at a rapid rate.
"I promise…"
"And this will help me?" L blinked as he stared down at the sloppily written note placed within his hand.
Seroquel…
What the hell is Seroquel?
The bespectacled-man sitting in the large chair in front of him simply sighed before leaning back, dark eyes rounded with concern. "I should hope so. Every new medication tried is always like a test drive; we never know how a person might react until they actual begin to them. If you see any strange side-effects within the next couple of weeks, or even the next couple of months, call me and we'll change you're prescription immediately."
"Again." L deadpanned.
"I never said this would be an easy process L." The psychiatrist sighed once again. "If you work with me I will be able to work with you. This won't work if you're not willing to put in the effort, Mr. Lawliet."
"Right. Right. Effort." Nodding absently, L smiled (fake). "Light will be pleased."
Ignoring the tiny frown set on his doctor's face, L stood up and left the office without another word, the hand clutching onto the piece of paper tightening into a rather painful fist.
"Did you call the doctor?"
"Did you call the doctor?"
"Did you call the doctor?"
"Did you call the doctor?"
"Did you call the do-"
"Yes!" L hissed out as he held his hands over his ears, dull gray eyes narrowing with agitation. "Would you stop asking the same thing over and over again?!"
Light blinked as he straightened out the pair of reading glasses that had been perched over the bridge of his nose, the look of perplexity set over his pretty features almost aggravating in and of itself. "What are you talking about?"
L gaped over at the younger man before standing up and leaving the room, a faint twitch settling itself over his left eye.
A concerned frown painted itself over his lips as the 24-year-old novelist marked the page he was on and rushed out after his live-in lover, knowing he was most likely propping himself up for another fight and not caring in the least.
'Pick your battles, Light. That's what the counselor told the both of you…'
The sound of his boyfriend regurgitating threw that thought out of the window as he rushed into the bathroom and steeled himself for another long night of headaches and bull-headed insomnia.
"You have to do this for you and nobody else L."
"Yes."
"So?"
"So what?"
"Are you? Doing this for yourself I mean."
"Sure."
"Why do I feel as if you're not being entirely truthful in saying that?"
"I do this for Light. And I love Light. So… in essence, I'm doing this for me."
"Do you think Light will leave you if you don't come into therapy?"
L gave his therapist a baleful glare as he laid back against the cushions of the couch, the considerably older woman staring over at him scribbling something down in her notes before he even had a chance to answer.
"Is that a trick question?"
The scribbles stopped.
"Are you scared?"
"Of what?"
"What would happen if Light were to leave you?"
L stayed silent after that question, the last fifteen minutes of their session spent only breathing.
"I don't want to." L muttered into his pillow, gray eyes wide and fathomless.
"Please?"
"But… I don't… want… to…" Once again the pillow muffled his voice. "Light…"
"L, you need help. Help I can't give you."
But you do.
You help so much…
Don't you?
"Ok."
And that was that.
The first time he had had a panic attack in front of Light, he had never seen the writer so frighten.
It was like he had literally frozen up and had no idea what to do.
L had calmed down eventually…
But the incident soon became routine.
Fuck.
He had thought he had rid himself of this.
Why, why, why, why, why, why now?
Light, little by little, learned how to deal with L's rampant anxiety attacks and calmed him down as best as he could, but L could feel the stringent stare he would be dealt with after the incident passed and Light had the time to process the rather random series of events.
Sometimes it would happen within crowds.
Sometimes alone.
There was no rhyme or reason to it.
Rhyme or reason…
No routine.
Routine…
It felt so…
Scattered.
Unreal.
Distant.
Surreal.
How could he expect Light to deal with this day in and day out?
He'll leave.
He couldn't.
He doesn't have to deal with this.
Light loved him.
Now. Now he loves you. What about a year from now when the novelty wears just a bit too thin? Will he still love us then?
Me…
Him…
Us…
What?
"Are you alright?" Light pet away the wet strands of hair from his forehead and gently kissed him as if it had been months since they had seen each other last. "That looked like a pretty bad nightmare. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." L felt his throat constrict. (Yes. Yes I do) "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
I want to… so badly…
"I'm fine."
Light's doubtful countenance haunted him for the rest of the night alongside the images of broken bones and streams of blood that plagued him only in his dreams.
I love you, Light…
Keep repeating it.
Keep repeating it.
Keep repeating it.
I love you…
It had only been a month and already he was captivated.
"L?"
Barely paying his golden-haired friend any mind, L kept his eyes on the young aspiring novelist standing in line, discretely catching his gaze over his shoulder when the auburn-haired man thought no one else was looking.
But they were.
And L loved it.
"Jeez, there he goes into La-La Land again…"
Only a month since their first date and already people said they were inseparable from each other.
And they were.
And L loved that too.
"Light must be around here somewhere then."
"Of course! Who else could have L so on edge?!" A redhead appeared beside the blond and chuckled as his companion waved his hand in response. "Right L?"
Light grabbed an apple before spinning around and sending L a blinding grin.
"L?"
Walking towards their table, the light-haired writer seemed to glow with happiness; L had never had such a look directed towards himself in all of his 29 years of life and it was addicting.
"La-La Land it is, then…"
This is heaven.
"Ha ha ha L's in luurrrvveee…"
And if it isn't…
"You are such an idiot."
Then heaven mustn't be all that great anyway.
"I'm so sorry!"
L almost cursed as he stared down at the red stain clinging to his white sweater (why did he wear such an obnoxiously light-colored sweater anyway?), eyes trained solely on the giant wet spot as the man who had bumped into him apologized profusely.
"Somebody pushed me from behind and I tried to angle myself out of the way, but that obviously didn't work to either of our advantage!"
"It's alright." L grated out, blotting out the stain with a napkin the clumsy stranger handed to him as best as he could. "Mistakes happen I suppose."
"Usually I'm a lot more graceful than this." The smooth chuckling made in response to the man's self-deprecating comments were soothing; a warm sensation crawled up L's spine as he slowly gazed up from the crimson blemish set upon his shirt and towards the golden-skinned youth staring at him with almond-shaped hazel eyes and a rather nervous-looking smile. "I feel so foolish. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Nearly fumbling over himself as the handsome-faced young man tilted his head to the side and practically sparkled under the chandelier light, L bit his lip.
Beautiful.
He's beautiful.
So beautiful…
"Conversation would be nice." L strangled out as his hands stilled over his shirt, the fancy bar they were both standing in front of littered with drunken men and women who stared at them both as if they had two hands. "And a name perhaps?"
The auburn-haired young man laughed merrily before setting down his cup of wine and brushing back a stray bang away from his right eye.
"Light." The tan Adonis whispered decadently. "My name's Light. And you?"
"L…"
My name is-
I don't want that name.
Can't I be someone else?
"Then it's very nice to meet you, L. Hopefully you won't hold your ruined shirt against me." Light smiled, the area around him glowing with the ferocity of his beauty. "Let's sit over here!"
And L followed, his eyes trained on Light's figure even as the man pushed his still-full glass of Cabernet over to him and coerced him to take a drink. Feeling the warm buzz of alcohol hum over his body, his mouth moved without his accord and his hands twitched forward until finally they were wrapped around the other's neck and his lips were his for the taking.
Each second blended together until all he could feel was Light and he wasn't even sure which light he meant anymore…
Dark eyes blinked as the white ceiling above them glittered at the edges of their vision, a paralyzing fear overcoming the 30-year-old man as he attempted to move forward only to find he could not.
Trapped. Trapped. You're Trapped.
His breaths began to run out in pants, a plastic mask covering the lower part of his face and marking his skin with a forceful ache that made him itch all over.
Move. Run. Down the hole you go…
Crying out loud, he did not notice the golden hand move over his face and pull down the mask nor did he feel the press of fingers against the dry skin of his face, a familiar voice shushing him even as his screams rang louder.
Maybe this is all just a dream?
"L!"
Oh dear…
"L, please, you have to calm down!"
I believe we may have broken you…
"L, please… you're scaring me…"
But who will put you back together again?
"I don't want them to have to sedate you…"
Hm?
L took in a few deep breaths as he finally took stock of the surroundings around him, the voice soothing him enough so that his cries died out and withered away into nothing.
Gray met honey brown; teary brown streaked with worriment meant only for him.
"L?" Light gargled out, tears still falling from his eyes in waterfalls as those soothing hands passed over pale white. Trying to keep his gaze away from the bandaged arm underneath his bent stomach, Light knew he was failing immensely. "I'm here baby…"
L stared at the boy blankly before turning his head to the side and closing his eyes.
Trapped.
The word echoed in his head even as the echoing sobs lulled him to sleep.
…
…
…
…
Like me.