I had been sitting on the hospital chair for hours. At least, I think it was hours. In hospitals time melts together and blurs. I should know, I'm in hospitals often enough.
The curtains are tightly closed but a single ray of soft dawn light has managed to force its way through a crack. It's rays fall on the wall above his head in a strip. It's the only light in the room, and it comforts me. It brings with it a new day. But the comfort is short lived, because I know what is going to happen.
The hopelessness of it all washes over me in a fresh wave of panic, and I feel sick and dizzy. I want to cry, but there are no tears left. They were all shed hours ago when it started. Now all I could do was fight for breath that came in short, shuddering gasps, watching and waiting as my whole world came crashing down.
I knew it was close to the end when the faint ringing started in my ears. I had been in and out of sleep for hours but I still felt groggy and tired. Everything was a struggle. I was so weak that I could barely lift a finger and oh, so tired. I wasn't scared though; the time for being frightened was long passed. Now I was simply in the waiting room between the living and the dead.
Faintly I could feel his hand in mine but it was a detached, blurry feeling. Poor thing. I hoped he wouldn't take my death too badly.
That's what eventually gave me the strength to open my eyes. The room was dark except for a strip of light directly above my head. Looking at it hurt my eyes, so I concentrated on him.
His hair was messy and beginning to curly back from its flat-iron induced straightness. 'Hobbit Hair', I think he called it. I vaguely wondered if it was bad that I had forgotten, but I was too tired to think about it.
He had obviously been crying. There were streaks down his cheeks, but the tears had dried. His eyes were crusty with sleep and his nose was running from the crying. He looked about as bad as I felt.
I could feel that I didn't have much time, but my voice wouldn't work. Summoning my strength, I squeezed his hand as hard as I could – which wasn't very hard seeing as I could barely get my muscles to move at all. It worked though, as his eyes opened immediately and found mine.
I felt a faint squeeze from my hand and my eyes opened to find Phil staring at me with far-away eyes. He looked so tired and sad and so completely broken. It hurt more than I can ever describe with word to see him like that. Eventually I swallowed and forced out
"Hey. How do you feel?"
It wasn't the amazing, inspirational thing I wanted to say. It wasn't the perfectly worded sentences that I wanted to say to him, to make him feel better. My voice sounded a lot weaker and quieter than I had intended. But at the sound of my voice he managed to look a little less dead. He responded with a tiny little shake of his head.
"Can you talk?"
Shake.
"Do you need anything?"
Shake.
I didn't want to ask the next question but I knew I had to. For his sake as well as mine.
"Is it close?"
I barely whispered it but he heard it. We both knew what I was talking about. I knew the answer before he responded. But that didn't stop the pain I felt when he nodded. I felt a wave of something more than simple sadness engulf me: fear. Pure terror washed over me as suddenly the fact that I was going to lose him became too real.
Too soon. This was all happening too soon.
I felt another squeeze and looked at him again. He was trying to speak. I pulled the chair even closer to the bed and got close enough that I could hear his faint whisper.
"It's ok. I'm ready for this now. Its all going to be ok,"
He took a deep shaky breath and continued, talking quickly and urgently:
"Please don't be too upset. This isn't your fault."
The ringing was getting louder and louder. I knew I had to be quick, my time was running out.
He was so close that his tears were falling on my cheeks. I summoned the last of my energy and managed to force out
"I love you Dan. Please stay safe."
I was sobbing as I replied
"I love you too, Phil. I'll never stop loving you."
And then I felt his grip weaken. His hand slipped out of mine. And his eyes closed for the last time.