Blue Moon 1, I Dreamed a Dream
Alright, we've all seen Blue, we've all seen the Kiss! This is a What If story! What if the dream hadn't ended? I wrote this years ago, and since the new series just aired, I figured this was the perfect time to post this!
It wasn't exactly the fact that it was dull, or boring, or even all around smeg that had Dave Lister heaving a great big sigh as he sat, alone, in the cockpit, staring out into the blackness of outer space.
No!
It was that it was so incredibly, mind-numbingly totally smegging, incomprehensibly boring, that the last human alive was actively considering suicide.
Nothing! Ever! Smegging! Happened! Days in outer space that turned into weeks that turned into months with nothing left to do except biting his toenails and even that wasn't fun anymore! He was bored! It was as simple as that! He had been bored, sulkingly so, for weeks now! And he knew why! It wasn't that he was the last human alive in the universe! It wasn't that he was three million and twenty five years and looked like he was thirty! It wasn't that of the four people currently inhabiting the Starbug, he was the only sane one. No, he knew what it was! He wasn't quite ready to actually allow himself to admit it, but he knew perfectly well what was wrong. Something was missing! Something that, when around, never gave Lister a dull moment. Something that, somehow, always seemed to know exactly what to say or do to get a rise out of the Scouser.
Either that, or he was just blissfully unaware of the deep, disturbing feelings Lister had for him.
No! Not him! It! It wasn't even a person, it was a hologram! A hologram of his very dead roommate, that wasn't even around anymore! And there was no way in the universe, this or any other, that Lister would ever, even under severe, medieval torture, admit that he actually missed the old smeghead. Because of course he didn't! How could he?
Lister sighed again.
Thankfully, he heard footsteps approaching behind him. Finally, he would be able to think about something else for a while.
"About time, Cat, you're late, man. Where've you been?"
He didn't even look up or turn around. Why should he? All he wanted was for the Cat to start up a conversation, to say something, to comment on his new outfit, complain about wrinkles on his suit, anything, to take his mind away from...
"Hello, Listy."
Holy smeg! Lister turned so fast, he almost gave himself whiplash. It was him! It was really him! Right there, in front of him, stood Rimmer, looking like he did right before he left, silvery gold flight jacket and everything, but minus the blond wig and for that, Lister was extremely grateful. Not that he would ever admit that, of course!
"Rimmer ..?" He couldn't believe it. Had he somehow managed to conjure up the man himself, just by thinking about him? Which he hadn't, of course! Why would he?
Rimmer was smiling at him, actually smiling, and something inside Lister hurt when he saw it.
"Smeggin' 'ell! What're you doin' 'ere?"
"I got fed up with adventuring... You know what it's like: you save a couple of civilizations and it all gets a bit...samey. I thought I'd come and find the old team."
Lister nodded.
"It's good to see you. Are you real?"
"I'm as real as you can get, being a hologram."
Lister nodded.
"So...where've you been?"
"Argon 5. I fought in the Belugosian War; I was decorated, and used as a Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed me cherry liqueur chocolates for the whole winter."
Lister stared at him.
"Really?"
Rimmer's smile grew bigger and brighter. During all the years that Lister had known him, Rimmer had never smiled. Ever! Snickered, yes, smirked and sniggered, sure, but an honest, happy smile? Never!
"Nahh, I'm only kidding."
Lister was amazed. He what?!
"Kiddin'? What do you know about kiddin'?"
"I just thought it was time I lightened up a bit!"
Rimmer unexpectedly toots a party blower. He even does a funny voice.
"Hey hey!"
Lister, it seemed, was unable to stop staring at him. It was unreal, it was almost like a dream. Rimmer – back! Being... well, funny and friendly and... Had his eyes always been that colour?
And then, just as sudden, Rimmer cleared his throat and became serious again.
"So, er, how about you? How's it going?"
"Ahh, y'know. Same old Starbug. Same old travelling through space."
His life, Lister knew, was nothing compared to what it must be like travelling through dimensions, saving lives as the great space hero Ace Rimmer. But he wasn't envious! He sort of liked his life. It just... wasn't as fun, anymore, as it once was. As it was when… well, when Rimmer was there!
"I, erm, I hear you've got a new crewmember?"
Lister heard him hesitate and he knew why.
"Yeah, Kochanski."
Kristine Kochanski, the woman with the pinball-smile, the one he once wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He saw Rimmer hesitate again.
"What's she like?"
"She's okay, y'know?"
"Is she...as good as me?"
Lister couldn't help himself:
"Well, she's been here a few weeks and she hasn't quoted one Space Corps. directive..."
They laugh together!
That's one for the history-books, right there! Lister and Rimmer, laughing! Together! At a joke about Rimmer! And it feels...right, natural, as if all those years of snide remarks, insults and hostility were nothing but a dream. Or maybe this was the dream. And if it was, Lister never wanted to wake up. He was having way too much fun!
Rimmer takes a deep breath and gives Lister a strange look.
"She's pretty attractive though, isn't she?"
Was she?
"Is she? I hadn't really noticed. She's the type you don't really notice. When you eat soup and spill some on your shirt and you don't notice it? Mm, she's like that."
Rimmer hesitates for about a second and a half.
"So, she's...not as attractive as me, then?"
Lister smiles, an almost shy smile. He doesn't even have to think about that one.
"Don't be daft...", he says, "she couldn't hold a candle to you, man."
It's weird, shouldn't it feel strange or awkward or, well... weird to say that to another bloke? To Arnold J smegging Rimmer? About as weird as it should be that Rimmer even asked that question! But it wasn't… It didn't. It actually felt... good to say it out loud. And... Was that a blush he saw on Rimmer's cheek? Holograms could blush now?
"Nah, you're just saying that."
Lister has no idea where he got the courage to be so bold, but he's being completely honest. Why would he say something like that if it wasn't true?
"I'm not!" And then, admitting it both to himself and to Rimmer, for the very first time ever, he said, quietly: "I've... I've missed you, man."
At that moment, at hearing those words, something changed in Rimmer's eyes. He was watching Lister and somehow, his eyes went from bashful to predatory in two seconds flat. If asked, that is how Lister would have described it. It was as if they went from a friendly catching-up to... something else, entirely, and that intense... smegging hungry look that went right into Lister's soul, seemed to be what had started it all.
But that wasn't true! They both knew that!
It started three million and six years ago, when they were working together on Red Dwarf. When they were both still alive! Before the accident!
And still, in spite of knowing this, Lister was completely unprepared for the things that happened to his body when Rimmer said:
"And I've missed you too, Listy."
Lister suddenly felt his heart pounding, so hard that it actually, physically hurt his chest.
"Oh, Arnold, man..." He was up before he even realized it, rushing out of his seat and they met in a fierce embrace.
"Dave..."
It was just a name, just a simple statement, but the massive emotions behind it, the relief and longing and smeg knew what else, that he heard in that one, single word, in that thick voice, was enough to break a heart in two. He was clinging to the hologram desperately.
"Don't ever leave us again!" That's what he said. What he meant was "Don't ever leave ME again!" And he knew that Rimmer understood that. He didn't know how he knew that. He just did!
"I won't! I won't!" Rimmer said, his voice raw and husky as they stared into each other's eyes, neither one of them knowing why it took them this long to understand what it was that they both really wanted.
"You promise?" The words are out before he even has a chance to think them through. He should probably feel disgusted with himself for sounding so needy, so desperately hopeful, but he just couldn't stop himself. It was too much at once, too many emotions fighting over control...
"Ohh, Listy ... "
"Ohh, Rimsy ... "
And it happened! Just like that! Their faces inches apart, Lister and Rimmer succumbed to feelings beyond either of their control - slowly, but surely, their lips join in a passionate kiss.
A supernova exploded in Lister's chest. He had been with his fair share of women... He had been with Kristine Kochanski, the woman of his dreams, the girl with the pinball-smile and eyes that sparkled like a million stars... But never, not even once, in all his years, had he felt the hunger, the soul-scorching need that he felt right now.
This was Arnold smegging Rimmer he was snogging! The most annoying smegger to ever come into Lister's life. A gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic, underachieving, sniveling, cowardly pile of smeg. The git who spent most of his life, and death, pissing people off. Especially Lister!
And Lister was more turned on right now, that he ever had been before. For three million and six years, they had both wanted to do this! It didn't make any sense! But, then again, nothing in Lister's life made sense anymore. Not after everything he had seen and done.
They were both well aware of the attraction between them while Rimmer was still alive. Sure, back then, it wasn't something that either of them had any guts to do something about. It was easier to make fun, much less complicated to insult... But it was still there! And then, Rimmer came back, millions of years later, as a hologram. Not being able to touch, or be touched, and it was all the more fun to insult, ridicule and make fun of, to stay safe in their respective bubbles of denial.
Now, however, it was as if all the walls had been destroyed, their bubbles had been burst.
Lister wasn't even aware that he was clinging to Rimmer's arms, holding on to the hologram for dear life, as if he was afraid that Rimmer would leave him again if he let go, even just a little bit. He *had* missed Rimmer. He could admit it freely now, to anyone that wanted to listen. He had missed him… so much, and to have him back... to have him so close... In a brief moment of panic, he was worried that it was all a dream and that any second now, he would wake up, in his own bed, and Rimmer would be gone. Again!
The feeling was so strong that a quiet whimper escaped his lips and he pressed himself closer to his tall friend, opening Rimmer's lips and forced his tongue into his mouth. He got a small groan in response and the next thing he knew, their tongues met and mated in an ancient dance. The feeling of panic vanished.
Had it not been for Lister's need of oxygen, they probably would have continued kissing, just standing there, in their little dream-bubble, and just kiss, for hours and hours and even days. But Lister was only human, after all. The last living human in this universe, sure, but still, only human. And he did enjoy breathing!
He had to force himself away from Rimmer's ravaging lips and they ended up staring at each other, arms around one another, looking for, and finding, for the first time ever, the answer to every single question they had ever asked themselves. Will I ever be happy? Will anyone love me for who I really am? Will anyone ever see the real me and still stay at my side? When will I find somebody to love, and be loved in return?
The answer, it seemed, had been staring them in the face the whole time. They had just been too blind to see it.
Arnold's eyes were black with a desire he no longer felt the need to hide. The look he gave Lister was enough to make the other man sweat. He felt waves of lust shooting through his entire body, and a tightening in his groin. How was it possible that he could be so turned on by Rimmer, of all people? The man was a tightass, a total git, a complete and utter smeghead... wasn't he? And still...
"I promise!" Rimmer said and Lister suddenly had the unexplainable urge to kiss him again. So he did! Their tongues danced again and Lister felt Rimmer's hands in his hair. He moaned into Rimmer's mouth. And then, with no warning whatsoever, Rimmer's lips left his and moved down to his neck.
"Smeg..." Lister couldn't possibly think of anything else to say. His brain packed it's bags and went on vacation, without even leaving a forwarding address or a note, saying how long it would be gone.
It didn't matter! Lister didn't exactly need a brain to enjoy what was happening. Besides, with a brain, he might start to think, and if he started to think, he would start questioning just what the bleedin' smeg he was doing. Right now, though, he didn't think. He couldn't! He didn't want to! Cause Arnie J had his hands on Lister's arse. So Lister just did what felt natural and ran his hands all over Rimmer's body. Un-smegging-believable! Thank Legion for making Rimmer a hard-light hologram!
"Rimmer, man... Holy smeg, you... Arn..."
Rimmer suddenly looked up and Lister felt his starving libido spring to life when he saw the look in Arnold's eyes. They were as black as a black hole in the deepest darkest part of space. Lister had to bite his lip from groaning out loud.
"Lister, shut up!" Rimmer said, in that typical, nasal voice of his and even that made Lister hard. "I've waited too smegging long for this and according to Space Corps. directive 5874-D, any time a superior offier is...
Lister, with no brain to help him think, simply grabbed the other man's bulging erection through his pants, effectively shutting him up.
"I was going to say 'Don't stop!', you smegger!" he said with a grin. And then he thought about something else. Something that Rimmer had just said. Something about waiting too long...
"You have?" He asked. "How long?"
Rimmer took a deep breath.
"Not long! Three million and six years, eight months, two weeks, five days, fourteen hours and..."
He looked at his watch!
"Thirty-five minutes!"
Lister was stunned!
"I want you, Listy! I've always wanted you! Always! Now, if there are no further questions, I do believe we have some... rather pressing matters to attend to!"
And he pushed himself forward, pressing his erection into Lister's hand. As if Lister needed a reminder that he was standing in the cockpit (And how's that for ironic?) with his hand on top of another man's crotch. He remembered, vividly, the stirring in his loins when he saw Low Rimmer, the feeling of dread and anticipation as the dark hologram promised to first lash him to within an inch of his life... and then have him. He had been terrified, sure, and disoriented after the chock of seeing people he knew die, one after another, but hearing 'Rimmer' say that... seeing 'Rimmer', dressed like that... with the stockings (with garters, for smegs sake!), the studded leather collar, the ornate earring in his right ear with that chain leading to a sleeper in his right nostril… That had given him an instant, painful erection which embarrassed him, possibly more than anything ever had.
Smeg, he wanted this man, every part of him, in every way possible. And he knew exactly what he had do say to get it.
"Yes, sir!"
Exactly how they managed to get up the stairs, without letting go of each other, Lister would never understand, but next thing he knew, they were back in their sleeping-quarters, standing by the bunk-beds like so many times before. Only now, instead of fighting, or talking about something completely unimportant, they were kissing, struggling to get their clothes off as quickly as possible, without actually having to let go of one another. It wasn't easy and they kept getting stuck on this thing or that, but it all added to the thrill. Lister's hands moved, as if they had a life of their own, not satisfied until they felt hot, naked skin under the fingertips. Man, Rimmer felt so warm, so... *alive*!
He leaned in, as if hypnotized, and stuck out his tongue to lick at one of the two hard nubs. Rimmer made a harsh hissing sound, which Lister found incredibly fascinating. He wanted to hear it again, so he latched onto the erect nipples, holding Rimmer close with one arm, licking and biting on one, tweaking and pinching the other, humming with pleasure as he felt Rimmer's hands in his hair.
He wanted to stay like this, in this very moment, for the rest of eternity.
And eight seconds later, when then tumbled down on the bed, he quickly decided that *this* was how he wanted to spend the rest of eternity! That all changed not ten seconds later, as they were both naked and everything was just arms and legs and lips and tongues and Rimmer's hand was on his cock. He then decided that he didn't even care anymore. All that mattered was that they were together and they were finally going to get what they had wanted for so long.
"I wasn't lying!" Lister gasped as he felt their erections move together in Rimmer's hand. Where the bleedin' smeg had he learned all this?!
"About what, Listy?" Rimmer asked, moving his lips and that delicious tongue from Lister's ear to his neck and then continued down.
Lister was having hard time breathing. It felt so smegging wonderful! And with no brain, he didn't have to think about what he said. He just said it!
"On the... psi-moon... when I said that... I loved you... I meant it!"
"I know!" said Rimmer and moved down to flicker his tongue over Lister's right nipple. Lister felt his whole body shudder and he tried, desperately, to come up with an answer to that, but all he could manage was:
"Git!"
"Smeghead!" Rimmer murmured affectionately with his lips around the hard bud, his hand busy working their cocks in a slow rhythm. Lister moaned in frustration, pushing against Rimmer's hand, much like Rimmer had done in the cockpit, trying to get the smegger to go a little faster.
"Arn... please..."
"Listy?"
It took an enormous amount of effort to open his eyes and look down, but somehow, Lister managed it and found that he was drowning in the abyss that was Rimmer's heated gaze. And Rimmer was still moving down his body.
"I love you too, you know!" he said and continued moving down. Lister nodded for the umpteenth time and then he cried out as Arnold J Rimmer put his lips 'round Lister's leaking dick and started sucking him off as if he'd done it for years.
This was too much! There was no way he would survive this! It was official! He was dying and loving every minute of it. He was getting a blowjob from Arnold Rimmer! And not just a blowjob, no, it was the best smegging blowjob he had ever had. And it was given to him by the biggest smeghead ever.
The man Lister was hopelessly in love with!
"Smeg... Yes, oh, god, Rimmer, just like that, keep going, keep going... Arn...Arn..."
Lister was never one to talk during sex, but he couldn't have shut up if his life depended on it. How could anyone in their right mind ask that of him, while he was in the middle of getting the blowjob of a lifetime? And, holy smeg, but Arnie was good! If Lister's brain hadn't been on vacation, he probably would have wondered, and even asked, how it came to be that Rimmer was so good at this, but as it was, he just leaned his head back on the pillow and enjoyed it.
He had no idea how long they stayed that way. Could have been minutes, could have been hours, he didn't know. He didn't care. For all he knew, time and space no longer included them. And Rimmer was doing something very... very interesting with his tongue. No, he decided, thinking was higly over-rated. He was about to reach down, just to be able to feel Rimmer's hair through his fingers, when the tongue was gone. And so were the lips, and the hands.
Lister opened his eyes and looked down.
"What the smeg did you..."
And then he knew! It took him a few seconds to understand exactly why Rimmer was moving around, since his brain was nowhere to be found, and then he said one word:
"Fuck!"
Rimmer met his eyes and nodded, his face flushed with desire.
"I intend to!" he said, but the words sounded raw and jumbled, as if they had gotten stuck in his throat on the way out. Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that he was slowly impaling himself on Lister's hard cock, inch by inch disappearing inside his hologrammatic body. He was lowering himself on top of Lister, until the Scouser's pubic hairs was tickling him. Only then did he slowly start to move, up, and then down again.
Up, and then down, until finally, something deep within Dave Lister snapped. He grabbed Rimmer's hips, holding him steady for about two seconds, and then, he started moving, thrusting into that inredible heat like there was no tomorrow, the only sound to be heard was the slick, slapping noice of naked flesh pounding into naked flesh and the grunting of the two men on the bed.
Lister seemed incapable of saying anything other than 'smeg', 'yes', and 'Arn', over and over, while Rimmer was reduced to 'Listy', 'fuck' and 'harder'.
It would appear, Lister reasoned (as well as could be expected of a man with no brain, fucking his dead roommate/boss/friend/foe/lover), that Rimmer picked up a few tricks in his past life as Alexander the Great's Chief Eunuch, apart from a good singing voice and the desire to cover women in olive oil. He was a goddamn smegging natural when it came to man-on-man loving. He seemed to know exactly what to do or how to move, to make Lister's eyes want to pop out of his skull. That explained so much and if Lister hadn't been busy fucking the man's arse like he did, he might've actually pointed that out as well. Right now, however, all he said was...
"So good... so good..." And then went right back to 'smeg', 'yes',and 'Arn'.
This couldn't possibly be a dream! It felt too good, too real, and when Rimmer leaned down to kiss him, their pace not slowing down for even a second, he wrapped his arms around the hologram's waist, holding him close, suddenly petrified that if he let go, Rimmer would disappear. He would be gone, again, like all his other dreams and fantasies and Lister would wake up in bed, alone, achingly hard and with tears on his cheeks.
No! Not this time! He wouldn't allow it! This was real! Rimmer was back! He was here to stay! He wouldn't leave! Not now! Not after this! He looked up, staring at Rimmer's face. The sight nearly made him cum, right then and there. Usually, Rimmer's face was a source for ridicule, Lister could spend hours finding things that were wrong with Rimmer's facial expressions. Now, however, it filled him with a sense of awe. It was so open and honest, so naked and vulnerable, he was so beautiful, and it was almost painful to watch. Every part of him wanted to reach up and touch that face, and he had no idea why he was even thinking about resisting those urges.
He loved this man! It was as simple as that!
He stared into Rimmer's eyes, waiting to see the answer to the question he was looking for. And when he saw it, right there, in front of him, this whole time, he came, hard, shuddering, exploding, calling out Rimmer's name, feeling the hologram shooting his release mere seconds after, the name 'Listy' on his lips, over and over, like a mantra. Lister gasped and passed out.
When he opened his eyes, he instantly noticed that a) his brain was back from it's vacation and b) he had just had such an amazingly mind-blowing orgasm that he actually passed out, and how embarrassing wasn't *that*? And c) he was lying in bed, naked with an equally naked, thoroughly satisfied Arnold J Rimmer.
"Holy smeg!"
Rimmer was looking ridiculously smug.
"Ah, Listy, welcome back!"
It infuriated Lister that a smeghead like Arnie could make him come so hard that he passed out. It was embarrassing! And then the goit had the nerve to lie there, looking both irresistible and annoying at the same time.
"Fer smeg's sake, Rimmer, give me a break, alright? Yeah, it was smeggin' great, you don't have to look so smug about it!"
"Just finding it all very enlightening, that's all, miladdo! Tell me, do you usually faint after sex? Because it would be nice to know, for future reference, if I have to hold back a bit..."
"Rimmer, shut the smeg up! Why do you always have to..."
He trailed off, suddenly realizing what it was Arnie had said. 'For future reference'? As in their future? As in more of this?
"You're really staying?"
"I promised, didn't I? Of course, I will have to leave for a little while, to find a new Ace, but then, after that's done and taken care of... I'll come back here... to be with you... like this... for as long as you want me to... For the rest of Eternity, if that's what you want."
Lister thought about that for about one tenth of a second. Then he said:
"What I want, is for you to shut up, and kiss me!"
He leaned closer in anticipation... Which is when someone came in, saw them together and gave a good loud shriek.
"SIR?! What in the name of Silicon Heaven are you doing? And with mr. Rimmer?!"
His voice now nothing more than a high-pitched wailing, Kryten looked from Lister to Rimmer, from hologram to human, from one naked body to the other...and then back to Lister. For a few seconds, it looked as though his head might explode.
"Kryten, man, relax, you're gonna pop a fuse!"
"Oh, sir," the android wailed, "how could you do this to me?! As if watching you make a fool of yourself around ms Kochanski wasn't hard enough...Now this?!"
Rimmer made a scoffing sound which was either a response to the remark about Lister making a fool of himself around Kochanski or a reaction to the tone of utter disgust in the mechanoid's voice when he said the word 'this'.
Lister, his brain now back where it belonged, knew that this could get really ugly, really fast. Kryten fixed his eyes on Rimmer, actual smoke coming from his ears. Apart from the obsession with 'his mr Lister' and the blatant jealousy towards anyone or anything that tried to take Lister's attention away from him, Kryten was fiercely protective of him... And it was no secret that he, like everybody else who knew Rimmer, hated the hologram with a passion that Kryten usually saved for the latest episode of 'Androids'.
"You will not bother poor mr Lister again!" He walked up to the bed and Lister actually felt a stab of panic as the mechanoid stretched out his arms, much like he had once seen the Low Kryten do, as if he was going to try and pull Lister away from Rimmer and then he heard a scream and he felt hands on his face and...
# # # # # # # #
Lister starts himself awake so violently he tumbles out of his bunk onto the floor, fighting against thin air.
"Aaargh! No! Get off! Get off!"
The real world coming rushing back, hitting him with the force of a three ton brick, made him slowly come to terms with the heartbreaking truth.
"It was just a dream"
He didn't know if he should laugh or cry. He felt emotionally exhausted. For a few sekonds, he just sat there, on the floor, staring at nothing. Everything hurt. His eyes, his chest, his heart... It even hurt to breathe! Just a dream! It was only... a dream! Just like all the others! Rimmer wasn't back! Hell, for all Lister knew, he might not even be alive. Travelling through dimensions like that, fighting bad guys... Who's to say that one of those bad guys didn't end Rimmer altogether? Maybe there no longer was an Ace! Maybe he really was lost... forever!
He tried taking a deep breath to calm himself, and ended up crying like a child, curled up in fetal position on the floor, whispering to himself, over and over:
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I never told you! I'm so sorry... Rimmer, I'm sorry..."