Because It's Them
Dan slides down the back of Phil's bedroom door as swiftly as the tears slide down his cheeks, he can hear Phil sniffling from inside the room and he wants nothing more than to barge the door down and wrap the other boy in his arms and never let him go.
But it's Phil telling him to leave him alone, telling him to go away, to stop trying.
And Dan thinks that maybe they're hurt beyond repair this time.
It's Dan sleeping outside of Phil's door that night in the cold with no blanket because he refuses to believe that.
The next morning he sends Phil a good morning text, he doesn't add kisses but a single heart, he tells Phil of how in his dreams Phil came to him telling him how he hated him and how he would never love him. How he wanted Dan to get out of his life forever.
He eats his cereal out of the box with his hands like he is so accustomed to seeing Phil doing and he doesn't feel himself welling up he just sees the blurred box and before he knows it he is a crying mess on the kitchen counter.
Because it's them planning their first kiss and Dan waiting for Phil to kiss him, glancing at the clock every few seconds which only makes Phil awkwardly laugh and playfully hit him.
And it's Phil's lips on his for that first time and if he closes his eyes and tries really hard he can still feel it and he thinks that Phil really must be something special. He already knows that.
Because it's them sitting in each other's company just scrolling through tumblr and sending each other fanfictions.
Because it's inside jokes of their inside jokes.
It's been a week and Dan's done nothing but curl up in bed and cry, he hasn't eaten yet and his legs shake when he walks. He doesn't really know what to do with himself; he feels like dying but he wants to live to see Phil take him back because he knows he'll never stop trying.
He likes to deny it but he's a strong believer in soul mates and he knows that without a doubt Phil is his.
Sometimes he wonders if he is Phil's but he brushes it aside; that's what got him in this mess to begin with. Fear.
He's sent messages after messages that could form an essay and every time Phil doesn't reply his heart breaks a little more, and he thinks that maybe this hurts more than back in 2009 when Phil told Dan that he didn't love him anymore.
Maybe.
Because he knows that it's his fault this time, he had everything he could ever want and he tossed it away because he was scared. Scared that Phil was falling out of love with him.
And in some sick twisted way he supposes he wanted to be able to say he left Phil before Phil left him but he knows that this is worse. Hurting Phil is worse.
He knows that he loves Phil selfishly.
Because it's Phil telling Dan to do what makes him happy, to not think about Phil.
It's Dan telling Phil that he makes him happy but he also makes him sad.
It's the look on Phil's face when he says this that makes Dan almost engulf the other in his arms and hold on to him tight to never ever let the boy out of his grasp ever again because he knows that Phil is all he needs.
It's Dan saying all along that he'd rather be unhappy with Phil than not be.
It's Dan selfishly thinking that he only did this because he wanted a reaction from Phil; he wanted him to tell him not to do this.
But Dan knows that that isn't the kind of person that Phil is, that Phil loves Dan unselfishly and if he makes Dan unhappy then he will let Dan go.
Because Dan knows that he would be too selfish to do that.
It's Dan not telling Phil that all he wanted was for Phil to tell him once, only once not to do it. That he wanted Phil to tell him that it would be hard but if they tried they could make it work, that Phil wasn't ready to give Dan up.
Because Dan knows that's what he would have done.
But Phil isn't that kind of person.
Because Phil puts Dan first and Dan doesn't put himself first.
He crawls into Phil's bed and stays there. For how long he does not know but the sun rises and the sun sets and he makes sure to send Phil texts every so often, asking him how he is, ending them with a heart and an 'I love you' but he doesn't get replies. He knows that Phil reads them, it tells Dan so but he never replies.
The next day Dan goes to Manchester alone, he goes into some charity shops and buys a brightly coloured red shirt and a cowboy hat. He wears them as he silently walks to the park. The park where they'd had their first date. It wasn't anything special, but it was perfect to him and he hopes to Phil too.
He walks through the grass and he thinks about how Phil had had his arm loosely slung over Dan's shoulders as the sun beat down from the sky. He tries to smile softly to himself but it only ends up with more salty tears slipping down his face.
Because it's them in Manchester without a care in the world, their arms around each other, wrapped up in each other, not caring who saw them, they were just two boys hopelessly in love.
It's Dan laughing at Phil as his cowboy hat flies off into the wind and Phil chases after it.
It's Phil pouting when he can't retrieve his hat and Dan kissing the pout right off of his lips.
And it's them later that night when they first 'make love' to each other, it's clumsy and it's vanilla and sure, maybe it wasn't the best sex but it was so perfectly them.
It's Dan telling Phil the story of their day in a strange accent as Phil works his mouth on him, and Dan is wondering how he can form a coherent sentence in this moment.
It's Phil asking Dan to tell him about fanfictions he's read and Dan can't think of a single one because his mind is blank and he just keeps stuttering out 'um's until they're both giggling.
Dan sits down on a bench despite the soggy wood from the rain, he sits and he stares and he can almost see Phil's face beaming at his eighteen year old self.
He sits there a while before the first fans spot him, wondering where Phil is, why he's in Manchester and where on this earth he has been.
'Dan everyone's been worried sick, you haven't been on the internet for a week and a half, you promised a video and then you disappeared, everyone's been worried, Phil hasn't been on either, everyone thought something awful had happened.' The first girl says after hugging him.
'I've been a little unwell, unfortunately.' Dan says softly, he feels like laughing but he knows it wouldn't be a happy laugh.
'Too unwell to tweet?' The other asks.
'I've been trying to stay off of the internet.' That isn't a lie, he can't go anywhere without seeing Phil or 'Phan proof' or anything of that ilk.
'Tell everyone not to worry.'
'They won't believe us, and why are you dressed like that?'
'Oh, erm, a dare.' Dan says awkwardly, suddenly regretting his choice of clothing. 'Give me your phone.' He says, holding his hand out.
The first girl hands it to Dan and he puts the video on. He turns the inner camera to take a video of him and the two girls.
'Hey guys...' He flinches noticeably because that's Phil's thing; he hadn't meant to say that. 'I'm sorry me and Phil haven't been on the internet lately, we've both been really unwell but we're getting better and you should have some new video's soon. Phil's gone to see his parents but hopefully he'll be back soon.' He forces a smile. 'I'll see you guys soon, don't worry about us, we're okay.' He finishes and ends the video.
'Thanks.'
'If you don't mind, could you wait and not post that until this evening? I'm sure people will recognise I'm in Manchester and I'd rather be alone today, if that's alright?'
'Sure, Dan. It was great meeting you!' They take a selfie with him and give him another hug before walking away.
Dan still sits on that bench, he sits down on the wet grass eventually, sitting under the tree that they once had a picnic under, not that he'd forget but he can see 'Dan + Phil' carved into the wood and a small smile plays on his lips and he grits his teeth, willing himself not to cry again. He's so tired of crying, it's a wonder that he has any tears left to cry.
It's very late when Dan gets home, he just made the last train back to London and he silently lets himself into the flat and stuffs a dry slice of unbuttered bread into his mouth despite wanting to throw it up a moment later.
It's Dan sleeping in Phil's pyjama's because the feeling of his own skin sickens him.
It's Dan yelling at Phil 'tell me not to do it'.
And it's Phil not saying anything.
It's Dan giving Phil so many chances, so many fucking chances to tell him not to do this.
It's Phil knowing that if he tells Dan not to then he won't and it's Dan getting so unbelievably frustrated and finally cracking.
It's Dan shouting 'Fine, I'm waiting for nothing anyway.'
And it's those few moments that pass agonisingly slowly in silence as neither of them say anything, Phil silently daring Dan to.
And he does.
'It's over.' Leaves his lips and he locks himself in his bedroom and he wishes that he hadn't.
It's Dan not knowing what to do with himself because he's apologised so many fucking times, he's told Phil countless times that he's in love with him and he's sorry.
He's heard from a friend that he's annoying Phil and he wants Dan to stop. He understands that there's still feelings but he needs to stop for the moment.
This slices into Dan's heart. Feelings? Feelings. Phil understands that there's feelings.
Phil wants to move on.
Dan never wants to move on.
Dan spends the next week doing nothing; he can't even go on tumblr, let alone make a video. He doesn't see the point in anything without Phil in his life anymore.
Because it's Phil holding Dan in his arms as he cries.
It's Dan cuddling into Phil later that day as they watch Netflix.
It's Phil presenting Dan with two tickets to Muse the following week and it's them having the time of their lives.
It's them being exhausted after the show but fucking anyway because the other is so intoxicating.
It's them going to see Avatar and kissing in 3d glasses.
It's them and it's killing Dan to think about but how can he not?
Because it isn't like they don't fight, they do, of course they do, but they always pull through.
They always pull through.
It's them screaming and yelling and tears streaming down their faces.
It's the day of silence that follows, staring at the other while their back is turned and being unbelievably hurt by how seemingly unaffected the other seems.
It's them in each other's arms whispering 'sorry's and 'I love you's.
And it's worth it in the end because it's Dan and Phil and one can never be without the other. It's worth all the tears and fights because they always work it out.
It's Phil telling Dan that he doesn't love him anymore and Dan thinks that maybe this hurts more than that did.
It's Phil telling Dan that nine days broken up was too long.
It's Dan practically bouncing around after that conversation because he's been waiting for Phil to ask him back out from the moment he broke Dan's heart.
It's Phil telling Dan that maybe they should take a break for a bit.
And it's Phil telling Dan to 'fuck it' because how can they break, really?
It's Phil starting to tell Dan that maybe they should break up.
It's Phil saying that he'll only go back to Dan anyway so what's the point.
And frankly, Dan was a bit insulted by that because why would Phil assume that Dan would take him instantly back?
He realises now because there wouldn't be two ways about it, Dan will always forgive Phil no matter his mistake because as he's said all along; he'd rather be unhappy with Phil than not be with him.
And it's then that he realises, he was happy with Phil. Maybe it was a little thing that Dan misinterpreted or something he took the wrong way, but he was happy with him.
And he wonders why Phil seems to have double standards and won't forgive Dan for this one mistake because honestly what's Dan ever done to Phil besides love him?
Because it's them being awkward and looking up how to properly French-kiss before trying it because no one else has mattered enough for them to care.
It's them nearly biting each other's tongue's off and giggling as they cuddle and decide against trying that again for a while.
It's Phil being scared and alone, calling up Dan to have him waffle on about his day so Phil can listen to his voice and be calmed.
It's midnight Dil's together cuddled up in a blanket on the chairs with sloppy kisses and cuddles.
Dan know's he's annoying Phil but he continues to read all of Dan's texts, albeit leaving longer periods between Dan sending and Phil reading.
Increasingly longer.
And it's breaking Dan.
He doesn't quite know what to do with himself now, he's nothing without Phil. The fans know that something's up but Dan can't bring himself to be bothered when he briefly checks twitter and tumblr to see the happenings of the past week.
He can't bring himself to care about any of it.
The first Monday in the month is approaching and Dan thinks that he'll have to ring in and cancel it, then it will be confirmed that something's definitely wrong, but does Dan care?
No, he decides. The answer is definitely no.
He just wants Phil.
He just needs Phil.
He doesn't care about anything in this world that isn't Phil.
And it's killing him, he's slowly wasting away and he knows that it's entirely his fault, he knows.
He hates himself.
Because they're imperfectly perfect.
Or maybe they're perfectly imperfect.
Because it's them and that's all the other needs.
It's Dan crying outside Phil's door.
And it's Phil's quiet sniffles into his pillow as he tries to ignore Dan.
It's Phil not coming home one night, a simple not that reads 'With parents.' On his bedside table.
It's Dan falling asleep in Phil's bed to comfort himself with the way the room smells so deliciously like Phil but in reality that only breaks him more.
It's Dan trying to find a way to alleviate the pain, trying to find a way to blame Phil in all of this mess that he's made.
It's Dan staring out of the window, Phil's duvet wrapped around him as he looks up at the stars and he thinks how none of them, not even all of them put together are as pretty as Phil's eyes.
It's Dan and now he's alone.
It's Dan hating himself and wishing that he could somehow take it back, but he can't.
Because it's Dan and this is how he broke his own heart.
A/N: Erm I wasn't sure if I should post this or not, I wrote it earlier today and I kind of feel a bit pathetic for writing it now but idk it could be worse and I was tempted to change a lot of it but I'm leaving it like this I don't know I walked my dog and I was just forming it in my head and it was really upsetting but I wrote it and yeah
So apparently I am to leave this up, and since the person this is dedicated to has requested it I shall do so and leave it up -.-
So yeah... um... I've decided reviews are nice because this actually matters to me...
But anyway I hope you kind of enjoyed it? I mean that seems a little masochistic - you shall take pleasure from my pain!
haha jkjk okay this is too long eep
um bye