Higher Love

authors note: New story hope you like it, I dont own House M.D or its copyright so dont sue me! Just putting my ending to House into the void of the internet. This is what i would have done.

Harper K. B.

Chapter One: I Miss You

So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us worlds apart

And I miss you, yeah, I miss you

(Lifehouse, From where you are)

There was no justification for it, or so House thought, for a person to walk in and make a mess of his heart then leave. It was akin to breaking a glass before walking away leaving others to cut themselves on the sharp pieces left. House felt like a used piece sitting on the edge of his sofa. From the other side of pain it was different, numbing and almost chilling how one person could have that power over him. One person could decide if he was content one day and heart-broken the next…

Heart-broken, really? Greg pull you're self together you pathetic bastard, House thought to himself but his heart wasn't listening that cynical part of his mind. All he could think about was Cuddy. The look on her face wasn't an expression of anger but of great sadness, she had not wanted to leave him but felt on some level betrayed by his relapse. House sullenly sunk on to the sofa, he had taken one pill and Cuddy had assumed it was a full-blown relapse.

Was it not? His subconscious asked and he pondered the answer. Externally House was thinking of his own pain hiding it so he could be the doting lover but internally on some base level the addict got the better of him and he was struggling to admit it to himself. House had known from the moment Cuddy had told him she did not want him to change that she would ask him to do just that. It was a female phenomenon, a paradox to change but simultaneously stay the same. He understood now what Cuddy, as a boss, lover and a mother, had asked of him. She had wanted him to grow and to want too. He had failed.

Thoughts flooded back to him, of his own father and the terrible memories that lay hidden beneath the locked doors in his mind. Cuddy did not want her own daughter to grow up with a monster like House had done and unwittingly he had become a different version of his own monstrous father. A miserable, uncaring, cruel addict who could not even go to the bedside of the only woman he has ever truly loved. For that House could not pass the blame on to her. It was he, his burden to bear.

The apartment seemed colder now that it was his permanent abode; Cuddy's house would now be off limits so would its warmth and comforting embrace. Part of House wondered what returning to work would be like now they had opened Pandora's box and returned it in favour of the previous option. Luckily, Cuddy would not be back for two weeks at least at full capacity. She had just had surgery and would be forced by the board to take time off even if just with Rachel.

So, House heard his mind say, you have two choices. You can leave here take the vicodin, get trashed and fuck some random woman in revenge in hope it will bring her back to you. Even in his emotional state revenge did not seem like a good choice, Cuddy was not an illogical woman in any case aside from when children are involved. It would most likely make her resent him and even House did not want her to do that. Or you could leave here without the vicodin. Get a new place. You've tried it here, it didn't work thus it would be the illogical choice to stay. She was your reason for staying but you hurt her. You'll hurt her more by lashing out and it won't get you any more of that ass, so why bother?

House had to admit his mind had a rational point. Cuddy had always been the reason to stay; he received job offers every week, Wilson would always nag him where ever he resided and what else was keeping him there other than his unresolved feelings for Cuddy. It was rash, a speedy decision but it was not a stupid one. He would have time to figure it out whilst she was gone, Cuddy would not tell anyone yet she would give it time to sink in and by that time when she returned to work he would be gone.

No mess. No soppy goodbyes.

It had incredible appeal, House admitted, but he knew he still loved her. That was the only reason the diagnostician hadn't done his old routine of how much can I hurt her because she hurt me.

Lisa Cuddy had never lived like House, he wished he had spent more time telling her about himself rather than letting her pretend she knew. She knew so little, House looked around the room in uncharacteristic sadness he had never been loved by his parents. House was never taught to love and be loved in return, he knew abuse, ignorance and early on in his adulthood, sex. It was not until he met one Lisa Cuddy that love had entered his life at all. She had taught him so much but in the end House knew and had always known he would never be the father she had wanted so badly for him to be. He would never be the caring and doting lover. In a way, it was cruel to stay to continue like they had nothing more between them than any other employee. House made his choice, on the sofa of his living room on that Tuesday night, to let go.

Two Weeks Later

It was the longest walk of her life, Lisa Cuddy thought, from her car to her office as she returned to work after the longest two weeks of her life. She assumed they would all know. House would have made a mockery of himself by letting everyone know that she had ended things between them and there by destroying anything and everything that could have ever been. Cuddy wanted to be friends but she also knew that, aside from Houses stubbornness, that it would never be that way again. She still loved him and always would, every night of the fourteen days she had to force herself not to drive to his apartment and beg him to take her back. Gregory House had been the best lover she had ever had, not the most honest or caring but he was true. They spent nights talking and watching stupid movies or playing video games just because they could. She was his better half and he was her worse one but they were at peace with that. She had never felt so beautiful than when she was with him. House was surprising and familiar all in one. He was a master of everything he did aside from being human, his biggest flaw. But the passion that bubbled between them was impossible and rare she had wanted it to burn on. Cuddy had never known life like that and in a way a small part of her had doomed them to fail from the start. It was too perfect and therefore it would never last.

"Good Morning, Doctor Cuddy. I hope you had a good two weeks rest!" The walk had happened more quickly than she had anticipated as Cuddy stood in the hospital lobby signing in.

"It was good thank you, do I have any messages? Any disasters happen while I was gone?"

Her tone was jovial but her underlying scrutiny of everything she was about to say was crucial. This was Nurse Brenda, she knew everything that went down in the hospital and though nobody knew how, it was how it was.

"Yes you have five messages, Dr. Brookes wants to meet with you sometimes today about the new MRI machine and no scandals but Dr. House is being incredibly quite and well behaved. You must have him well trained at home now!"

They didn't know. Cuddy knew by the way no one was staring or talking about her that they didn't know but mostly by the way Nurse Brenda had not said she was sorry to hear about it or some other pithy remark. No, Cuddy was sure of it, House had managed to remain silent. That only meant one thing; he was off punishing himself, swallowing the vicodin like oxygen or worse.

"Thanks, Brenda. Has he come in yet today?"

The nurse eyed her with a strange look before dismissing it, "You have a late night?" Pausing for a small laugh and continued, "No, he must be starting annual leave. He wasn't in yesterday either maybe he has plans for you?"

She winked encouragingly and confirmed Cuddy's last remaining doubts. The Dean walked on past her; House was not on annual leave, as he never took it. So something must be up. The puzzle was not quit fitting together, Wilson had not called her, Houses team had remained silent and most of all House himself was silent.

Cuddy paused by his office. His team were working away but there was no sign of the main man himself. She forced herself to enter,

"Is House around?"

They all looked up quizzically before Thirteen took the courage to speak, "We haven't heard from him in two days…we assumed he was on holiday or something?"

Chase singled her out, looking at her with an expression that seemed to ask her whether everything was alright between them, "We called him on his cell but it says its no longer in service so he must have switched again, right?"

Eight pairs of eyes looked to her in reassurance but there was none in her eyes to give. No one had seen him in two days, his cell was off and no one knew where he was. Alarm bells were ringing loudly in her head,

"Yeah, yeah he must have…"

Cuddy muttered something about it not working before running out of his office and down the hall to Wilson knocking rapidly on his door. It was a knock he had never heard from Cuddy and probably would not again. As he opened the door she had the most horrible feeling in her stomach. House had done something incredibly stupid, she could feel it, and she walked into Wilson's office.

"Have you spoken to House lately?"

"Yeah a few days ago why, he said he was spending some time with you," Wilson sat back at his desk looking through his file nonchalantly, "Why what's he done now?"

Cuddy stood statuesque in his office with a look of disbelief on her face and said stoically, "I wouldn't know, we split up two weeks ago."

His face dropped noticeably in shock of her words, "That cant be…he would have said something…I mean he seemed fine. I know about the pill that night before he came to you but…"

She moved stiffly to sit in the chair opposite his, "That was the night I ended it…"

They sat in stunned silence for a long time. Cuddy was sure that Wilson was shocked but she could not see why. He had to have seen it coming, they were a nightmare waiting to happen or at least that is what she told herself. However, Cuddy was not too concerned with how Wilson thought about the end of their relationship but with what was happening with the man she still loved so badly.

"He wouldn't have done something stupid would he?"

Wilson braced his desk, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "I don't know! He is obviously upset but then," He got up moved round his desk to sit on the front of it closer to her, "What do I know? He has been fooling me for two weeks, telling me you've come over that's why we can't go out or he is over at yours." Wilson cursed himself, "Damn it I should have seen it! I just assumed you guys were good, I mean you guys are always good."

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialled his number placing it on loud speaker so Cuddy could hear only to listen to Houses mobile company's voice, "This number is no longer in service. Please try another number."

Cuddy ran her hands through her long raven hair sighing heavily, "If he's done something stupid I wont ever forgive myself…"

Wilson laughed sadly, "What do you mean if? This is House if it's not stupid he wont do it!"

She cradled her head in her hands creasing her beautifully pressed shirt, "I still love him, Wilson. I don't want anything to happen to him."

He sunk to his knees and placed a hand on her knee, "Then why did you leave him?"

Cuddy looked up, tears threatened to fall from her ice blue eyes but she was too proud to cry in front of Wilson, "I thought…he was back on the vicodin for good and I couldn't let him do that around Rachel. I have to put her before me, James. He is an addict."

Wilson nodded pursing his lips in thought before standing, "Ok, I will sort this out Cuddy. Its probably best you stay out of it, God knows what he has done." He saw the look of terror on her face, "I will find him, Cuddy. I will sort this out, we can attempt to get this back to normal its probably best for everyone."

He jumped about the room gathering his things together, his cell, briefcase and suit jacket, before they exited the office together. Wilson placed a hand on her shoulder, "For what its worth, I think you made a mistake. I've been married four times and I've never had what you two had."

Then he was gone. Gone to mop up the mess that her and House had made together, she thought about what he said and he was right. Cuddy knew that she would never find anyone who would match up to House, she would live her life knowing that he was the one and there wouldn't be anything she could do. Rachel wouldn't have to know what loving him was like, she was too young to remember him if he was gone for a while, but Cuddy was doomed by a higher love that she would never forget. It was hell but she was a mother. A sacrifice had to be made so that Rachel didn't have to see what he reduced himself to when he was high on vicodin.

In a daze, Cuddy managed to reach her office. Her assistant had been immediately attentive to tell her House had been in her office without permission two days ago like a puppy wanting a commendation for the information but receiving only a tired glance in return.

When she swung open the door Cuddy saw it, sitting unmistakably on her desk and in that moment she knew exactly what he had done. Gregory House was gone. A wave of emotion washed over her like a tidal wave. Her feet didn't dare move towards it or away but Cuddy reached for her phone and typed a message out to James Wilson: HES GONE. Just two words but Wilson would know what she meant.

The white envelope sat on her desk, the desk that House had gifted to her another reminder of the kindness and thought he was capable of, it was blank she could see from the distance she wouldn't dare travel. It was the second worse scenario the Dean had planned in her head the first being that he had done something to himself. He's gone, Cuddy tried to conceive the idea of it but it wasn't happening, she had prepared herself for the shouting and the crash of his hurting heart. Yet in return she had received a white flag, or letter in this case, a silent retreat.

Cuddy walked unsteadily over to the desk and retrieved the letter peeling it open rapidly not treasuring the moment as the need to know why he had done this was too great. The envelope was tossed away to reveal a photograph and a small letter penned by his cursive hand. The photo was placed on the desk for the moment while the letter was unfolded,

It was good while it lasted. Everything has to end, but I couldn't pretend it didn't happen at all. I am not what you needed; I am not the good guy, Cuddy. I can't stay; we both know it wouldn't end well. I can't watch you move on because I love you and whether I like it or not I always will. Don't look for me, you will find you don't really know me at all. Just be happy.

The letter fell out of her hands as she reached for the photo; Cuddy picked them both up and sat down at her desk. The picture was one she had never seen before; it was of House and Cuddy at the wedding of the chancellor of the board. They were dancing together, smiling even though they were mad at each other. Cuddy fingered the edges, trying to understand why he would choose this path. The path that meant leaving everything he knew just to spare seeing her again, to save her hurting because that was the House she fell in love with.

A single tear hit the paper of the letter blurring the words slightly over where he had written I love you, but it revealed that the photo had another message on the back, I couldn't keep it but I couldn't throw it in the trash. It's yours now.

She pressed it close to her chest, near her heart. Closing her eyes when her cell phone rang she cried softly, Cuddy knew it was Wilson trying to figure out a way to tell her that he was gone. Cuddy suspected this was what he had been planning in her two weeks off sick, he had been figuring out the best way to leave Princeton, where to go and what to do. Behind Lisa Cuddy's closed eyes she prayed to a God she didn't truly believe in for him, Gregory House, the only man she had ever loved to be safe and for one day for him to forgive her for the terrible mistake she had made in letting him go.

They say if you love someone you let them go. House wasn't a man who fell for clichés but this time it was true. If perhaps he were more selfish he could have watched her struggle and pretend to cope, knowing they still loved each other. But in the moment that Cuddy closed his apartment door, House found out more about himself than he had done in the past forty years. He wasn't a selfish man for her, he couldn't be a good man but he would be better than his own father. He could leave; admit that he was hurting her more than helping her by staying which was something his father never could.

So, House sat there, on his motorcycle with a heavy backpack upon his body, in turmoil over his lost lover but also paradoxically in peace at being at least being a good enough man to put her first. He missed her but every mile he rode it got harder to turn around, and when the New Jersey state line had been crossed it was too late to turn back.

Authors note: I hope you like it, trying to finish this one in a realistic way so bear with me, I checked this myself so all the mistakes are probably all still in there.

Harper K. B.