Greetings fans, friends, and fellow fan fiction fanatics! I have a special holiday treat just for you, and I hope it's to your liking! Also, I'll take this moment to tell you about my New Year's Resolution this year, and it is to FINISH THAT WHICH I START! So, look forward to the conclusion of Ever After? And other stories I have written in other categories such as Lois and Clark. (Yes, Jenna, I'm working on it.)
On another note, I enjoy movies a lot, and look forward to sequels in the hopes that the second movie would be just as good as or better than the first. In that way, writers/directors overcompensate to try and match up to the original. Now, I'm bringing this up because I doubt I can match Molasses Kombat. That was a good story for me, and I don't want to ruin this one by trying to make it as good as the first. So, I don't know how it'll turn out, but I want you to know I won't overdo it if I can help it. I'd hate to disappoint you all. (Believe me, I get nightmares about that. It's very serious to me.) Thanks a lot, and enjoy!
Molasses Kombat: Holiday Horrors
A slight change, [ ] means action, and { } means my own comments.
[Enter a room with a throne covered in skulls. Cages with decaying beings hang from the ceiling, and a river of acid glows as it flows in the background. It is dark, dreary, frightening. A table stands in the center of the room, various boxes, jars, and measuring utensils lined up on the top. Suddenly the room is illuminated by various torches, and three figures enter stage left to thunderous applause. They are Shang Tsung, Boy Sorcerer, Shao Khan, Boy Emperor, and Quan Chi, Boy Fruitcake!]
Tsung and Khan: [Glare]
Chi: [Giggles and bats eyelashes]
[… right. Moving on, the three men are smiling brightly, laughing heartily, and embrace each other with a countenance that could be nothing other than brotherly love. They walk to the table and wave to the audience that is still applauding.]
Tsung: Welcome to the show!
Audience: [Applauds]
Tsung: I'm your host, Shang Tsung.
Audience: [Applauds]
Tsung: And these are my two lovely assistants, Shao Kahn and Quan Chi!
Audience: [Applause and a few catcalls]
Chi: Oh, go on!
Tsung: Thanks for the warm welcome. Now, today we have a special treat for your holiday festivities.
Audience: [Applauds]
Tsung: [Frowns. Looks up at APPLAUD sign and sees it still lit. Green fire flashes from his hand and the sign explodes.]
Audience: [Applause abruptly stops.]
Tsung: Much better. Now, as I was saying, we have a special treat for your holiday festivities, right Khan?
Khan: That's right, Tsung. But what's the fun in making holiday cookies without being in the holiday mood? Hit it, Bernie!
[Behind the hosts, the throne is illuminated by red, green, and white Christmas lights, all blinking rapidly around the skulls. Overhead, two skeletons wearing Santa hats hold a sign reading "Merry Christmas" and plastic glowing icicles hang from the cages. Candles are lit all around the acid river, and a small table not before noticed sits off to the side with a small nativity set and a brightly lit menorah placed on top. From somewhere else, Silver Bells is playing on an organ.]
Chi: [Stares around room with eyes wide like a child] It's so PRETTY!
Tsung: [Smiles brightly] Morbid!
Khan: [Puts on his own Santa hat] Ho ho ho! Now we're ready to cook some delicious holiday desserts!
Chi: [Looks at Khan and squeals] SANTA! [Leaps into Kahn's arms] This Christmas, I want ultimate power and the destruction of the Earth realm and dominance over all beings and a clockwork train! Oo, oo, oo! And a PLAYSTATION 2!
Khan: Get off me, you twit! [Drops Chi in ungraceful heap]
Chi: What? No candy cane?
Tsung: No candy cane.
Chi: But Santa always gave me a candy cane for coming to see him!
Tsung: Khan, take off that stupid hat before you traumatize him.
Khan: [Removes hat.]
Chi: [Gasp!] You're not Santa!
Khan: Too late.
Chi: How could you play me like that? I have feelings too!
Tsung: [Clears throat] Moving on quickly! Um, yes, cooking! That's right, we're cooking! And what's our recipe for today?
Chi: [Jumps up and down] Oh! I know! Pick me, pick me!
Tsung: …Yes?
Chi: Molasses Butterball Cookies!
Tsung: That's right, Chi Chi! But today, we're changing the recipe just a bit to make a special type of cookie. And we'll tell you about that ingredient in just a minute. But for right now, let's go ahead and start by listing the baking supplies. Khan?
Khan: [Moves himself to the table, is now adorned with an apron (Like My Food or Die) and displays the ingredients for the camera.] Well, this recipe is a quick mix with only average difficulty. What we'll be using today is butter, or margarine for those worried about those holiday pounds. I know I am!
Chi: Like you could lose that girlish figure.
Khan: [Diligently ignores comment] We also have flour, crushed walnuts, the ever popular molasses, and powered sugar for an extra touch at the end. As for our special ingredient, that will come later. So, if we're ready, let's start baking! Chi?
Chi: Ok, everyone! Let's start with the washing of the hands. Get a good amount of soap, preferably anti-bacterial with a fresh floral scent to invigorate the senses. I prefer Floral Passion from Victoria's Secret. [Sniffs hands] Ah, what a rush. Then, after you've washed your hands, if they feel dry and cracked, put on a dab of Dove moisturizing lotion. It's gentle enough for sensitive skin and keeps your hands feeling soft all day long-
Khan: I think they're done with their hands. Can we get to the mixing?
Chi: [Sniffs] Fine. We'll move onto the mixing. But don't come crying to me about your brittle hands. [Moves to table] All right. First, take 1 cup of butter or margarine, place it into a bowl and beat it for 30 seconds on high speed.
[Camera moves over to Tsung, also with an apron (I'm With Stupid), scooping the butter into the bowl, and placing the beater inside as well.]
Tsung: Just remember, when it comes to beating, it's all in the wrist.
Khan: [Snickers and whispers to Chi] He's explaining the art of beating.
Tsung: Slow, gentle movements will provide you with the smoothest cream- [Is cut off by muffled laughter from behind him, and glares at his companions as they try to act serious.] Oh, do shut up. [Turns on beater to HIGH, and is instantly splattered with butter, as is the rest of the table.] ARGH! WHAT THE BLOODY-ELL?!
Chi: Oops! [Giggles] Did I say high? I'm sorry, I meant medium speed. My bad.
Tsung: [Glares] Hence the importance of reading the instructions carefully. Khan, will you…?
Khan: Already have a fresh cup for you.
Tsung: Thank you dear. Now, let's try this again. [Manages to successfully pour and beat butter until soft. Then moves to sink to clean off previous butter.]
Khan: [Now taken to reading instructions] Next we add the molasses and beat until fluffy. Now don't worry, Ladies and Gentleman. I'm sure we all know how highly dangerous molasses is, but we here at the show are professionals, and know how to handle the substance properly. [Pulls out a walkie] Go ahead, General.
[The room erupts with men barking orders and magazines being smacked into guns. Soldiers pour from every corner of the room to surround the table, weapons ranging from 9 millimeters to shotguns to rifles all trained on the substance on the table. Ropes drop from the ceiling and soldiers in camies slide down, ak-16's with laser sights at the ready. A loud roar deafens the crowd as three tanks roll up behind the soldiers, their barrels lowering to fall in perfect alignment with the jar. Overhead, the chop-chop-chop of helicopters can be heard circling. And behind the soldiers stand a line of men in radioactive protective suits, breathing through oxygen masks and carrying special toxic equipment of some kind of important importance. They are here in case something goes wrong.]
General: The perimeter is set, sir. We also have the 2 ton hydrogen bomb ready in case all else fails.
Khan: Excellent.
Chi: [Giggles and blushes] Oh, look at all the toy soldiers! How I love a man in uniform!
[Soldiers near Chi subtly move away.]
Tsung: Well, let's get this over with. Rubber gloves?
Khan: Check.
Tsung: Rubber boots?
Khan: Check.
Tsung: Face plate?
Khan: Check.
Tsung: Vice grips?
Kahn: Check.
Tsung: Soldering iron?
Khan: Check.
Tsung: Toaster oven?
Khan: Check.
Tsung: Evil ooze from Ghostbusters 2?
Khan: Check.
Tsung: Oh, look at the toaster dance.
Khan: Check.
Tsung: I didn't ask for anything.
Kahn: Check again. We have everything.
Tsung: … yeah. Shall we?
Kahn: Let's shall.
[After putting on all necessary safety precaution items, Tsung grabs the jar, opens it, and pours the sticky gooey stuff into the ¼ measuring cup. All soldiers gather in closer, fingers at the triggers and safeties off. The room is dead silent as the cup fills slowly, slowly, as slowly as the people in the room breath, too scared that something will go wrong, something will happen, something bad, very bad, and everyone will die in a horrible, painful death, death by toothaches from too much sugar, and oh, God, the bells, the bells, they won't stop ringing, just make them stop ringing, damn it all to hell-
[All turn and glare at author] Will you shut up?!
[Right. Sorry. Um, yes, the molasses has been filling steadily into the measuring cup, it's just about there, it's going, it's going, it's gone! Homerun! Everyone can breath easy as Tsung pulls the jar away and a perfect ¼ cup of molasses sits on the table. The soldiers pull back, sighs of relief escaping them as the danger has passed. Carefully Tsung places the lid on the jar, sealing it inside the container, and with great care passes it on to one of the men in the contamination suits. He places it in a freezer box, locks it, handcuffs it to his wrist and leaves the room.]
Khan: Now, we pour the molasses into the bowl to join the butter, and will beat until fluffy. Chi, will you get the beater ready?
Chi: You got it!
Tsung: [Picks up the cup, places it over the bowl, and begins pouring the thick brown sap like substance into the mixing bowl.]
[A crash and a scream draws everyone's attention to Quan Chi, who stands with the beater on the table (apparently dropped), and is cradling one hand in the other.]
Chi: [Wails] I broke a nail!
Tsung: [Having turned at the cry of dismay, the shift in direction of his head caused a shift in direction of his body and now he has overcompensated the distance to the bowl and is pouring the molasses into the ooze filled dancing toaster. Instantaneously there is a loud roar and all eyes turn to behold the STAY PUFT MOLASSES MAN!]
Chi: [Screams and jumps into Khan's arms]
Kahn: [Screams and jumps into Tsung's arms]
Tsung: [Screams and… and… realizes there's no one to catch him.] Well shit.
Soldiers: [Scream and scatter]
General: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! FIRE AT WILL!
Stay Puft: Gurgle gurgle. [Well, what would a molasses man say?]
Audience: [Passes around bowls of fresh popcorn.]
Soldiers: [Open fire, but no damage is detected.] No effect, sir!
[Tanks try to open fire, but Molasses Man has stuffed the barrels with globs of goo, and is busy stepping on soldiers who are left stuck solid to the floor. Screams of fear fill the air as soldiers are thrown around the room like blobs of paint to the canvas of a piece of modern art. Chaos ensues in the room. The general is knocked down. The audience is cheering for more, and the Molasses Man delivers! Soldiers are being knocked down left and right, the room is being torn to shreds, it's like Godzilla ravaging Tokyo!]
General: [With his last breath] Drop the hydrogen bomb… [Is swallowed whole by pool of molasses]
[Overhead, a plane can be heard, and the whistle of the bomb dropping rapidly through the air]
Chi: WE'RE ALL GONNE DIE!
Khan: [Dives under table]
Tsung: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Audience and Soldiers: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
(Meanwhile…)
[A jar of mayo sits on a table.]
[It sits.]
[And sits.]
[And, I'll be damned, it sits again.]
(Ok, back to the original story)
[Return to find the set good as new and the three hosts smiling broadly.]
Tsung: Wow, that was a close one, wasn't it folks? But now that everyone is ok and everything under control, let's get back to the baking! Khan, what's next?
Khan: Now that we've blended the molasses and butter until it was fluffy, next we will put in flour, as Chi is demonstrating.
Chi: Here we have one cup of lilacs, for a light fragrance and a touch of spring color, and a cup of red roses because I'm such a hopeless romantic, what can I say? And-
Tsung: [Smacks him with a spatula] Flour, not flowers!
Chi: [pouts] You have no respect for the art of homemaking.
Tsung: [Groans and corrects mistake by adding two cups of baking flour.] Next?
Khan: After beating that mixture on low until well blended, go ahead and stir in your 2 cups of crushed nuts.
[Able to complete task without any snide remarks or mishaps.]
Khan: And though we are supposed to begin making the dough into little balls, now we are going to do something a little different and add our special ingredient.
Chi: Oooooh, aaaaaaah.
Tsung: And what ingredient is that Khan?
Khan: [From under the table he pulls out a black bottle. And inside that bottle is…] Coconut Rum!
Tsung: [grins evilly] A little touch of spice for those who like to bake naughty.
Chi: Oh, naughty. Naughty naughty naughty. Hee hee hee.
Kahn: And so, we shall add just a bit of this classic throat warmer to the recipe to add some kick to our holiday cheer. [Pours a few ounces into batter then places the bottle on the table.]
Tsung: Now, we shall roll the dough into 1 inch balls, and place them on a non-greased baking sheet.
[Tsung and Chi, who has finally put on his apron (I feel pretty and witty and gay), are busy rolling the balls on placing them on the sheet, while Khan, obscured in the shadows, continues to pour drops of rum into the batch when no one is looking.]
Chi: Well, now that that's done, let's go ahead and bake these in the oven at a temperature of 325 degrees for 20 minutes. Tsung?
Tsung: Right. I'll just put it here in the oven and- [Pauses.] Chi?
Chi: Now, for the next twenty minutes, you want to keep yourself busy but not too distracted, so I recommend a French manicure-
Tsung: Chi?
Chi: -with a hand massage that you can have right in your own home with Egyptian Queen hand and body lotions. Right now, we're selling the entire hand massage and full manicure kit for only $19.95 plus 4 small payments of $3.95 for shipping-
Tsung: Hey, Chi?
Chi: -handling. But wait, don't go just yet, because if you call now we'll throw in this special foot therapy kit for only-
Tsung: CHI!!!
Chi: Hmm?
Tsung: Where'd you put the oven?
Chi: Say again?
Tsung: The oven. Where is the oven?
Chi: Well, I don't know. I'm not the one who's supposed to supply it. The author is.
[At that instant there is a poof of dust and an oven appears.]
Tsung: [Stares]
Chi: Oh, how cute!
Tsung: Wait a minute. What the hell is this?
Chi: It's an oven.
Tsung: It's pink.
Chi: Well, it is an Easy-Bake oven.
Tsung: You mean the one for little girls 12 and up?
Chi: Yeah! And how lucky for me, I've always wanted one. Mommy will be so proud!
Tsung: Why the hell can't we have a real oven?
{Budget cuts.}
Tsung: Budget cuts?
{Sorry, man, I'm just not bringing in the money I used to.}
Tsung: Are you serious?
{Should have told you from the start, this is a low budget fiction. Sorry.}
Tsung: [Sighs] Well, I guess we'll just make do with what we have. Ok, let's bake'em. Set it at 325 degrees, Chi.
Chi: Um, how about High? [Shrugs] It only has three heat levels.
Tsung: [Sighs] This is going to take a lot longer than 20 minutes.
[Places the cookies in the oven and wait.]
Tsung: So, now we have twenty minutes to kill before we finish up. This is a good time to start cleaning up around the kitchen, so you don't have to wait until later.
Chi: Or you can make hand puppets! Here is my seagull. See, here are the eyes, and here's the mouth, and this is the bird call: Mine? Mine? Mine?
Tsung: [Smacks towel down on the counter] Why are you so obsessed with your hands?!
Chi: … They're hands. I mean, look at your fingers, dude. They wiggle. [Wiggles fingers] Wiggle wiggle.
Tsung: [To Khan] How do you manage living with this guy?
Khan: [Putting away ingredients.] Well, Tsung. At times like this, I think about… raindrops on roses. And whiskers on kittens.
Tsung: [Stares]
Khan: Bright copper kettles and… warm, woolen mittens. [Waves arms wide, drops jaw, and belts a beautiful operatic bass solo as the violins start up in the background] Brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my fav-
Tsung: No.
[Violins cut off]
Khan: [Cuts off and looks at Khan] I beg your pardon?
Tsung: [Shakes his head.] No. We are not doing a musical number.
Chi: [Wide eyed] What?
Kahn: [Face pale in shock] But… but it was a hit in the first one!
Tsung: It is degrading of our characters and pointless to the plot. We shall take no part in it.
Chi: [Looks at Khan] Maybe he just wants to a different song. [Whips out a convenient piano and lets loose.] I've tried soooooo hard to tell myself that you're gooooooone! But thought you're still with meeeee, I've beeeen aloooooone all alooooong!
Tsung and Khan: [Zap Chi with magic power, leaving him as one crispy critter.]
Tsung: No. I said no. No means no.
[A breath. Khan and Chi look at each other. Look at Tsung. And promptly burst into tears]
Chi: BUT WE WENT TO ALL THE REHERSALS!
Khan: I WANNA SING!! I WANNA SING MY SOLO!! WAAAAH!
[Both proceed to throw temper tantrums on the floor]
Tsung: [Rolls eyes and heaves deep sigh] This is what you really want?
Khan and Chi: Yes! Can we, please, can we, can we?
Tsung: [Unsure look]
Chi: Please, Mary Poppins!
Khan: Please!
Tsung: [Sighs again] Well, if I must, I must. [Pulls out compact and powders nose] Practically perfect in every way. Very well, carry on!
[Violins come back in and Khan, now in a convenient spotlight, finishes his solo]
Khan: These are a few of my favorite things! [Waltzes around the room with Chi]
Chi and Khan: Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels.
Tsung: [From his place at the sink cleaning dishes] Doorbells and sleigh bell and schnitzel with noodles.
Chi: [Now flapping big feathered fans] Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings.
All: These are a few of my favorite things!
[Musical interlude ensues, with fluid ballet movements by all three men]
Tsung: Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes.
Khan: Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes. [Bats eyes]
Chi: [Soprano] Silver white winters that melt into springs.
All: These are a few of my favorite things!
[Appearance chorus]
Khan, Tsung, Chi: When the dog bites!
Chorus: When the bee stings!
Khan, Tsung, Chi: When I'm feeling sad.
Chorus: I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel…
Chi: [Leaps into the air for a spectacular ballet leap thingy]
Chorus: -so ba-
[SPLASH!]
[All turn to see Chi has landed in the Acid river]
Audience: Ahhhh!
Chi: [Comes sputtering to the surface] Mmm. Lime kool-aid!
[Everyone shares a good hearty laugh, when the buzzer goes off on the oven.]
Tsung: Oh, what do you know! Our 20 minutes has passed and our cookies are ready! Now we'll move to the wire rack to cool. And twiddle our thumbs for a few minutes to let them cool.
[Twiddle twiddle twiddle]
Tsung: Done! The last step before we can devour our succulent treat is to roll the balls in the powdered sugar, just like so, and place in a decorative tin, and viola! A fresh batch of Molasses Butterball cookies plus rum. Great for a snack or a last minute gift. Now for the taste test.
[All three pick up a cookie and hang it over their mouths and-]
Audience: [Gasp]
[The doorbell rings]
Chi: I'll get it! [Runs over and opens the door to a group of carolers]
Carolers: We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! [Walk on stage to the applause of audience. They are dressed alike in green and red, and are wearing Santa hats. They arrange themselves, clear their throats and begin.]
I'll be home for Christmas,
You can plan on me,
Please have snow and mistletoe,
And presents on the tree.
Christmas eve will find me,
Where the love light gleams,
I'll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.
[Finish to thunderous applause and the three hosts sobbing happily as they pass around tissues.]
Tsung: Such harmony, always m-makes me cry! [Wails]
Chi: I've been moved so deeply! [Blows nose into Kleenex]
Khan: For your hard work, you all deserve a treat. Please have a cookie made by us. [Hands him tin]
Lead caroler: Oh, thanks very much! That's really quite nice. [Takes the tin, turns to the group, and screams like a banshee] WE GOT THE COOKIES, OUR REVENGE IS COMPLETE!! HA HA HA!!! [Removing his hat, he reveals himself to be Rayden]
[Carolers drop their hats and reveal themselves to be all of the Mortal Kombat good guys! {Yeah!}]
Liu: All right! Let's go! [Runs for door]
Khan, Tsung, Chi: NO! [Give chase]
Announcer: And their off! Rayden starts off strong, with Liu and Kitana close behind, but wait, here comes Tsung from the left, starting to catch up speed, he's rounding Sonya who's busy beating Johnny with a stick, and with a burst of speed leave those two in the dust, and now here's Chi coming up over everyone using some nifty flying trick, wow, his trainer's must have put him through the most extensive training, because he's getting ready to take the lead, leaving Khan behind to struggle between Sub-Zero and Scorpion, and here we are making it around the third lap and Tsung is almost even with Rayden who seems to be losing steam, and they're almost at the finish line and-oh no it's not possible, but it's happened! Rayden is down and rolling in the dust, the tin flying through the air with amazing ease, and there is Chi ready to catch the pass when he gets tackled by Liu at the 5 yard line, but Khan is up to catch the fumble and he's right there at the goal but Sonya suddenly appears out of a nowhere with a head butt and keeps the tin from making it into the goal and it's headed back into left field, and Scorpion's going for the catch, he misses, and Tsung is now rounding 3rd, he's going for the home stretch, but wait, Kitana is running for the tin, but loses her grip on it and it rolls down the lane between the middle and second arrow, hitting almost in the pocket and knocking down 7, 8, 9 pins but not 10, not enough for a strike-
All: WILL YOU STOP THAT!
{…NO}
[And now the tin is arcing down into Rayden's waiting hands, where he catches it with a cry of triumph, descends back down to the earth, and is promptly jumped by everyone else.]
Tsung: Give me that-
Scorpion: Give me it, it's mine-
Subbie: No, I won that card game, it's mine-
Kitana: I wanna cookie, I wanna cookie-
Chi: You're ruining the tin-
Johnny: Come on, man, I'm hungry-
Liu: Hey, you weren't even in the first one! You shouldn't get anything-
khan: I'm almost th- hey, what happened to the font?
{I don't know, I can't change it! Ahhhh!}
Rayden: What did you press?
{I don't know, I think I hit the control button and it &^%$ it all up! Jenna, help!}
Tsung: Oh, get over yourself! Just deal with it! The show must go on!
{…Damn you}
Khan: I'm almost-there-GOT IT!
[With a resounding pop the tin flies upon and molasses balls rain from above.]
All: AAAAH! [Run around frantically and catch as many as they can in their mouths]
[munch munch munch]
all: [Suddenly begin feeling woozy]
Johnny: Wow. Spiffy.
Rayden: [giggles and falls over]
chi: I can't feel my hands. I CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS! AAAAAAH!
Khan: [suddenly dressed in pirate costume with black eye makeup and a really nice hat. Bears remarking resemblence to Captain Jack Sparrow] Yo ho ho ho, the pirate's life for me! My lady, let's dance!
Tsung: [Now dressed as Elizabeth] I can't breath! [Passes out]
Khan: Ha ha ha ha! Bring out more rum! Let's party!
[There's a tap at the door, and Kitana rolls herself over to the door to find a package. It reads: To the combatants, Happy Holidays. Curious, Kitana opens it and POOF! Out pops the STAY PUFT MOLASSES MAN! AGAIN!]
All: [scream and scatter]
Audience: Aaaah!!! there's no more popcorn!! AAAAAAH!!!
Stay puft: Gurgle gurgle.
All: AHHHHHHHH-
(meanwhile…)
[A jar of mayo is sitting on a table.]
[it sits]
[next to it is a red button that reads: finish dropping hydrogen bomb]
[it smiles]
the end.
Wow, did my motivation—wait a minute, the font changed again! What the *&#^@(! Grrrr. Oh, well. I really don't have patience to deal with it. Anyway, as I was saying. My motivation was really dying at the end there, and so I apologize for the less than satisfactory ending. (Wow, this sounds really familiar)
I did enjoy writing it, and I hope you enjoyed the different tastes thrown into the mix and beaten until dead. In the meantime, I plan on getting some rest and possibly coming back to this with a bit more flare. I hope you weren't too disappointed. Thanks for taking the time to read it, and reviews are always welcome!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! BE SAFE AND ENJOY YOURSELVES!
~Indy