He listened at the door out to the hallway, his back pressed against the wall, just out of sight. He was fairly sure that everyone had left the cruiser, returned to their quarters. He couldn't let anyone see him.
He had seen the looks of the others. Oh, they were walking around in shock now, but later-
Shrinking Violet had helped. But he'd asked "how could anyone not hate me for that?" and she hadn't answered. He'd said he didn't want to go to jail. She'd said kind things, helpful things, the rest of the time. But nothing then.
Imra wasn't around to help him this time. She had sorted out his thinking, then left. She hadn't come back. She had left the ship with the rest of them.
Brainiac 5 closed his eyes and wished fervently that no one would see him.
His luck held until he got to the lab.
It seemed as if he had spent hours peeking around corners, hoping that the noises he heard weren't people coming down the hallway, trying to keep his heart rate down. Getting to the one place he truly felt at home was a relief.
He slipped quickly into the only room that was his in the giant tower and locked it behind him. Relaxing slightly, he turned around.
He backed up against the door immediately and fumbled for the lock.
"Hey," Shrinking Violet was smiling at him. She was sitting on a cot that hadn't been there before, her knees pulled up to her chest. "You don't need to be scared. I just brought you food. And a bed. You're going to have to sleep now that you're organic."
"Come on. Sit." She got up and took his arm. He took a few steps before freezing.
She tugged on his arm. He didn't move.
"Brainy?"
"Why are you doing this?"
She looked hurt. "You're a friend."
"Violet… I… you…"
"I know." She looked up at him. "You said it all already."
He pulled his arm out of her grasp and walked to the cot, sitting. Violet took the tray of food off the counter and put it on his lap. "Eat."
Brainy stared at it blankly, then looked up at her pleadingly. "How, exactly?"
She sighed. "Okay. We'll start over on this side-"
"You'll get better at it." Violet assured him, putting the tray and the remains of the food on the counter. "It'll take time, but its not like you haven't got-" something caught her eye.
She folded her arms and smiled cynically at him. "You're hiding the strawberries under the pillow."
"I like the strawberries," he said timidly, hunching over a bit. He popped another one into his mouth. "Thy'r shwt."
"Don't talk with your mouth full." Violet said automatically. "And take the strawberries out from under there. They'll stain the sheets."
Brainy was picking up facial expressions fast. He did a good job of looking sheepish as he produced the rest of the strawberries.
She shook her head, amused. The movement made the world spin, and she realized just how exhausted she was. Concern had kept her going, but now…
"You should go to sleep." she told him. "You've had a- trying day. Everything will look better in the morning."
"Ah, how-"
"Just lie down. It'll come naturally to you."
She turned the lights off as she went out.
The darkness brought a new wave of despair with it.
Violet had been kind to him. Again. Again, after all he'd done.
He didn't deserve that.
He turned over and stuck the pillow over his head. It couldn't stop the words in his head.
He could still hear Brainiac. The words were just whispers now, but the tone, the sound of the voice; that was still there.
It was going to keep haunting him. He knew it. Brainiac was gone, but he wasn't free.
He had never been free.
He would never be free, so long as people looked at him and saw the past.
Somewhere in the middle of his despair, his body took over and he finally slept.
He woke some time later, and felt too horrible to get up. He lay there letting his thoughts run wild.
Shrinking Violet came in with more food.
"Brainy, you awake?"
He didn't answer her. She came over and looked down at him. "It's polite to say something, you know."
"Why did I bother coming back?" he asked quietly, thinking out loud.
"What?"
"It would have been so easy…" His eyes were unfocused. He hadn't really registered that she was there.
"Brainy, what are you talking about?"
"Everything was going all to pieces as it was… I just needed to not hold on. I could be gone right now. I could not have come back."
He turned to stare at the wall. "It would have been much easier…"
She slammed the tray down on the counter and he turned his head back toward her.
"Don't talk like that." Violet said forcefully, glaring. "Don't you dare even think like that."
"I-"
"Do not even start. You are here because that was the right thing to do, and doing the right thing is important to you. That is why you are on this team."
"I can't be on this team, Violet. I can't."
"Of course you can. Now; I am going to leave this food here and go find Saturn Girl. When I come back, that food must be gone and you will be in a better mindset."
He wondered where she could have gone. Saturn Girl always knew when someone was looking for her. Every Legionnaire had had her descend on them, saying she knew all about the problem and yes, she was coming to help. Between her and Dream Girl, the new members tended to have a few unsettling memories.
It shouldn't be taking this long.
He considered going out into the hallways to look; shuddered, and immediately dismissed it. He turned to the computer instead.
Everyone was in the meeting room. He turned toward the door with a sick feeling.
Brainy stood with his back to the wall just outside the meeting room door. He could hear the voices through the wall.
"I-I don't know. I want to say that it's not his fault; I was there and I know he didn't mean to hurt anyone… but I keep having this feeling that if it was anyone else, I'd be saying something different. It's just really complicated."
Superman wasn't sure. Brainy remembered a time when the Kryptonian would stand up for him without a thought. These past few months had been strained as it was. He had destroyed that relationship so easily…
"There's too many perfectly pleasant people I've known who've tried to trip me up somehow."
A story so suited for the situation. Nemesis Kid was right, for once. He knew he'd been overcompensating sometimes, trying so hard not to make people able to hate him as much as they could have when the day came and he finally lost his sanity…
"We can't afford to keep him here!"
Cosmic Boy wouldn't support him. He was right not to. The Legion listened to Cosmic Boy. He was a founder, the first leader they ever had. No matter how much they all said they hated him, it was the sort of complaining that people did when they talked about their bosses; people they would never admit to liking at work. Friendly teasing, disguised as exasperation. They very rarely meant any of it.
"He's a monster."
Kell was right. He had always been right. Brainy just hadn't wanted to admit it. He had never wanted to admit it. He had misled everyone he could really call a friend ever since he'd known them. Colu had always been right. Living a life of denial off-world…
He couldn't listen anymore. Sliding down the wall until he got to the next hallway, he got back to the lab as fast as he could.
There was polite knock on the door some time later.
Element Lad and Dawnstar walked in.
"The UP Senatorial Court called." Dawnstar told him. "A couple planets testified on your behalf and they decided not to convict you for anything."
"They held a trial?" He found he couldn't feel anything but numbness. "No one told me."
"They are legally allowed to do that."
"I know. I heard. The rest of the team had a meeting about me."
There was a vaguely awkward silence.
"The security system still has its hub here. All the Legion's systems do."
"There are some people who would not be happy about being reminded of that fact." Element Lad sat down next to him. "I imagine that people have been telling you none of this was your fault."
"Mostly Shrinking Violet. Saturn Girl said some things to that effect as well."
"I know I won't be able to convince you that they're right."
Brainy looked at him in astonishment.
Element Lad smiled at him and put a hand on his shoulder. "No one was able to convince Laurel that she wasn't to blame for Trom, were they? I tried, you tried, Lyle tried. The people who didn't try weren't entirely sure that she wasn't to blame. Yet everyone seems to have forgotten we've done all this before."
He looked down at Brainy's hands and took them in his own. "Laurel wasn't able to accept that the destruction of my planet was not entirely her fault until she was able to forgive herself. I know you haven't forgiven yourself yet, and I know you aren't likely to soon. The thing to remember is that some of what happened was your fault, but only because you were trying to do what you felt was right. People will not tell you that because they are trying to help you."
"I know I can't really trust Violet on this," Brainy said quietly. "But she's trying so hard, and I don't deserve it…"
"Everyone deserves kindness, Brainiac 5. Kindness and forgiveness." He looked straight at him. "I know I was hurt, and that you did not mean for that to happen. I forgive you for everything that has happened. I hope you can forgive yourself for it, someday."
Element Lad looked at Brainy's face and pulled him into a hug. Brainy squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the tears in his eyes.
"Cry. You need to."
When he managed to clear his eyes and pull away from Element Lad, Dawnstar spoke again.
"The Legion has decided that they shall neither force you to stay or force you to leave." Now she took his hands. "I came to promise you that if you leave, I shall not track you down, no matter what the situation. You have found a new path and you need to walk it as you see fit. No one has the right to interfere with that."
He smiled weakly at her. "Thank you."
He turned his head to smile at Element Lad as well. "Both of you."
He had found the energy to get up and do something after they left. The Legion wasn't forcing him out. A miracle. But he had heard what they had said. He still couldn't stay, though he had nowhere to go.
The door opened again, and Saturn Girl came in to see him.
She walked toward him and gave him a hug. "I'm so sorry that I didn't come back sooner, but other people needed help too."
"I know, Saturn Girl. It's fine, really."
"I don't think it is." She held him a little way away, just enough that she could look him seriously in the eye. "Violet told me about what you were saying."
"I'm better now, truly. Dawnstar and Element Lad were in here not long ago. They told me about the Legion's decision."
"Do you know what you're going to do yet?"
"No."
It was a few hours later when he had his next visitors.
"I know you're there, Chameleon Boy," he said loudly, not bothering to turn around. He paused a moment, and decided to risk his next sentence. "A couple days hasn't improved your sneaking abilities any."
"Yeah, but has it improved your mindset any?" The Durlan hugged him tightly from behind. "How're you doing?"
"Don't think you can fool us, Querl," Duo Damsel walked around to the front of him. "We've known you too long."
He smiled half-heartedly. "No one has called me by name in so long. The Legionnaires who keep coming in to talk to me call me 'Brainy'."
"I figured that'd be too uncomfortable for you right now." She wrapped her arms around him, too.
"I keep getting hugged today."
"It's good for you," she said firmly. "You need that right now."
"You always need it anyway." Cham let go of him and came to stand by Duo Damsel.
"Answer the question, little brother," she said to Brainy.
"Better than a day or so ago."
"Specifics!"
"I don't feel like the entire universe is out to get me as much anymore. And I think I might hate myself a slight bit less."
"Positive self-esteem is a good sign," Cham said authoritatively. "Keep it up."
"Are you ever going to grow up, Reep?"
"It'll happen when you sort your emotions out."
Brainy found it easier to say that he was truly happier when the two of them left. Then he remembered his current quandary.
To stay or leave?
Something was nagging at the back of his mind, but no matter what questions he asked himself, he couldn't figure out what it was. He decided to busy himself by writing down the codes for all the encrypted computer files, just in case.
Five minutes later, he discovered what it was.
Element Lad had kept mentioning Laurel. It was probably not deliberate, but Jan was just tactful enough to do it on purpose.
He could go to Laurel. He had already pretty much decided to leave, even before the Legion had said they wouldn't make him do anything he didn't want to.
He knew Laurel had joined a religious order after she got out of jail. She had been amassing a small amount of fame. He knew where to find her. He could go and ask for her goodwill.
He felt horrible that he couldn't remember if she had been among the temporary casualties of the day or so ago.
He was finishing up his list of passcodes when he was surprised by one last visitor.
"I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay." Superman said.
He turned to face his personal hero.
"You've been hiding out in your room a lot," he explained.
"I just don't know how I can face the others after everything I've done," he told the older hero, walking away, trying to discourage him. Memories could hurt so much.
"What you did was heroic," Superman insisted. "You battled your demons and you won."
"Then why does it feel like I'm still fighting?" Brainy asked him sardonically, realizing the other wasn't going to leave. He turned to face his latest problem.
"I've decided to leave the Legion, Superman." He looked up. "At least until I can sort out all of these new feelings."
The hero of history looked very concerned still, but a little understanding.
The Coluan tried a last-ditch tactic that had worked for him so far: tell a half-lie. "I was emotional as a robot, imagine me as a human."
Superman seemed satisfied by this. He left.
Brainy watched the beginning of Kell's swearing-in ceremony a few hours later, before turning from the window to get back to business. He had taken the opportunity posed by the empty building to let himself into Invisible Kid's room. He knew Lyle, and was fervently glad that he had been on a long-term mission in an area the UP wanted nothing to do with.
He was leaving while everyone was busy; but knew he had to take care of some things first. He knew he couldn't walk around looking like he did. Lyle had always been about his size, and a note and some money should take care of any problems his 'theft' caused.
He selected a hat, a pair of pants, and one of his friend's ever-present jackets and left the note. He made sure to lock the door behind him when he left.
Dream Girl was waiting for him at the back door. Brainy slowed when he saw her, uncertain.
"I knew you'd be doing this. I know that Dawnstar made you a promise."
He steadied himself mentally. "Please don't make her compromise it in any way."
"I wasn't going to." She smiled brightly at him and came closer. "I'll make you a promise, too. I won't tell the other Legionnaires anything I see of you unless it involves serious harm to you."
He tried one of his half-smiles that had been getting so much use lately. "Thank you."
She opened the door for him. "I'll be waiting for you when you decide to come back."
"I don't know if I'm going to."
He was just out the door when Dream Girl spoke again.
"I know you will. You won't be able to help it."