Erestor assumed, at first, that it was a bad dream.
"Hello Erestor," the voice said. "How are you going today? Now from our information you are a bachelor. You must be terribly lonely."
No, I am not, Erestor thought dismissively and he rolled over in his bed in an attempt to find a more comfortable position.
"Erestor, you are abused daily with insults from unruly junior scholars and from grumpy seniors. You must want someone to sympathise with you. To listen to you."
And make them as miserable as me? I think not! Besides, many have it much worse, Erestor thought. Take Elrond for example...
"Yes, but he has his wife to comfort him."
Well, lucky him. Erestor rolled onto his front and pulled his pillow over his head.
"Indeed. But you are not so lucky. You have never had luck in love."
Erestor, about this time, started to think the sheer number of leading questions a bit odd. He frowned. "And…?" he prompted aloud, curious to know where this discussion was leading him.
"Your heart was broken. Once."
"Well usually, elves only get to pick one elf," Erestor said. "I picked mine. She married someone else. I was forty. I am now four thousand. I am well over it."
"Oh, but one never recovers from these things."
At this point, Erestor sat up and said, resentfully, "Who says?"
"You must long for a witness to your life," the voice said, ignoring his question.
Erestor looked suspiciously about his bedroom, but could not identify the source of the voice. Nor did he recognise it as belonging to anyone of his acquaintance and he knew everyone in Imladris and most every elf elsewhere. "I am perfectly able to write my own biography, thank you. Besides, my life is rather dull. I would rather not burden anyone with the intensely boring task of witnessing it."
"Someone to keep us warm in our beds."
"I have never suffered from poor circulation, thank you very much. Elves tend not to suffer from such temperature related issues." Erestor climbed out of his bed and lit the lamp on his bedside table. After a sharp look about the bedroom, which was clear of intruders, he bent down and looked under his bed.
Nothing.
"Never wished for children?" the voice continued.
Erestor exhaled and straightened. "You brought up the issue of unruly juniors. Need I extend that by introducing the word brat?" Maybe the voice was coming from his wardrobe. He went over and pulled open the doors.
Again, nothing.
"Well then, evidently a female would create problems for you. A male, then."
"Hey, wait a…"
"Anyway, what about a good full body massage? Do you not long for one?"
"Oh, Elrond does an excellent one, thank you. He has just converted that second desk in his study into one. You probably have already noticed, though, considering your nosiness." Maybe, Erestor thought, he was finally losing it.
"Well, what about sex?"
Erestor looked sharply about him. "Oh, master of discretion! I have managed quite well for the last few thousand years! Kindly leave me alone. Thank you!"
"We can help you," the voice continued pleasantly.
"Who are you?"
"Yes, your profile fits perfectly on our list. You are both Heart Broken and Lonely."
"Heart Broken and… Lonely? And what list is this?"
"Why, the Valarin Healing By Matchmaking Agency."
"I see. And who else uses this agency?" Erestor decided that if he was not mad and there really was a Valar-run service of this kind, that the Valar really had their priorities out of whack.
The voice, when it responded, sounded pleased at his question. "Oh, we are quite popular. Our categories are, very generally: Sexually Abused, Psychologically Abused, Physically Abused, Heart Broken, Lonely, Former Slave, Single And Pregnant, MPreg, Violated…"
"MPreg, what is that?"
"Oh, that stands for Male Pregnancy. It is quite common in some parts."
"Really."
"Mm-hm. So what do you think? Interested in a soul mate?"
"Why is it called Healing By Matchmaking? How is Matchmaking supposed to heal someone who has been physically abused? Or who is recovering from rape? Is there a guarantee? And for that matter, why only one soul mate? Why not two? Or three? Or four? Or why not simply lump everyone on Arda together in a giant daisy chain?"
There was a long pause. Erestor scratched his head and wondered vaguely how he was supposed to explain his hearing a voice in his head and this conversation to Elrond come morning.
"Well, it does work," the voice said finally.
"Who says?"
"My seniors." The voice sounded hesitant.
"I see." Erestor was extremely sceptical. "Could you send over any evidence?"
"Oh, of course. Right away." There was the sound of the speaker now talking to somebody else. "He is good to go! Send him over a male spare!" Then the voice returned to him. "Oh, Erestor, he will be right with you. Happy Valentine's Day and lovely doing business with you!"
"Wait!"
Silence.
Erestor waited for a bit, then said, hesitantly, "Hello?"
Still no response.
Erestor turned back to his bed, feeling both relieved and disturbed.
At the edge, he halted. His eyes widened.
There was a sleeping elf in his bed.
An elf who had definitely not been there earlier.
An elf who, on closer inspection, appeared to be very naked.
Erestor leaned over him, lips pursed, and grudgingly noted that the elf had a rather attractive face.
On pulling back the sheets, he noted that the elf was rather attractive everywhere.
"Oh, Erestor." The voice was back. It squealed. "Oo, I am sorry; already at it, are we?"
Erestor cursed and whipped the sheets back over the elf. "What?"
"Forgot to tell you," the voice said brightly. "His name is Glorfindel."