I'm Sorry

Summary: 1-shot. Short piece set after 09x09 Holy Terror as Dean tries to piece things together after what just happened & struggles with his guilt as well as his need to hold onto the hope that Castiel offers that all might not be lost for Sam. *Stunned/upset/worried/angsty!Dean with a brief appearance by Castiel.* SPOILERS!

Warnings: Minor language and probably a huge tissue warning.

Tags: 09x09-Holy Terror.

Spoilers: Yes! I'll say just skimming the line but there's no way to write this without hitting spoilers for the end of the episode so if you haven't seen it don't read this yet!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This is written for the enjoyment or emotional torture of the fans.

Author Note: This is short and I'm sorry for that. I'll do a longer piece once I'm emotionally over the shock. I do hope you enjoy it and look me up on Facebook under morgana07 to chat on my page or updates on stories.

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"I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry."

He wasn't sure how long he'd been repeating the litany of an apology or who he was saying it to. The brother that couldn't hear him because he didn't know where he was or even if Sam was still alive somewhere in his own body or the still and lifeless body of the young prophet that had trusted him one last time and ended up not only screwed but dead.

Dean Winchester's chest was still aching and felt like an elephant had sat on it when the goddamn angel that he'd allowed into Sam with the intent to save him had turned on all of them.

He wasn't even sure who the hell it was much less how to defeat him but right then all Dean could see was Kevin's face, his eyes burned out from the angel's touch and unmoving.

All Dean could hear was his little brother the last honest time he'd been with Sam and he cursed himself for being so stupid to have put them all in this position.

"I'm sorry, Kevin," he whispered, not sure what to do with the body or what he was doing period since it seemed like his whole life had just caved in.

Protecting Sam, shielding Sam, watching after and taking care of his pain in the ass little brother had been Dean's role in life since he was four years old. He thought by doing what he'd done this time to save Sam's life had been right…now he'd not only possibly lost his brother anyway but he'd betrayed the trust of one of the few people that had still trusted him.

Two people had trusted Dean to know what was best for them and with one single move when he'd been a panicked mess he'd managed to betray both Sam and Kevin and might have lost both as well.

"Dean?"

The deep rough voice should have taken him by surprise since the bunker was warded but he merely looked over his shoulder to see that Castiel was once again wearing his familiar trench coat as he stood in the door to the library.

"I'm sorry," Dean knew he was repeating himself and perhaps he was losing his mind but at that very moment the only thing going through his head were his mistakes. "I messed up, Cas. I messed up and I've lost Sam and gotten Kevin…"

The newly restored Angel stepped closer to see the burned out shell of the young Prophet while also not only seeing the outer pain his friend was in but also the inner pain as well.

"You believed you were saving Sam, Dean. You did what you've always done," he knelt down to try to heal but knew that more power would be needed to possibly restore life to an already burned out body. "This is why you didn't want me close?"

"I should've known when Zeke…what I thought was Ezekiel started tossing out demands about you being a beacon and bringing other angels around which could place him and Sam at risk that something was off," Dean's teeth were clenched as were his fists as he pushed to his feet, beginning to stalk around the room to see that the goddamn bastard had taken the tablet. "I should've…"

Castiel watched the elder Winchester's body language and knew under the rage and guilt laid the pain, fear and loss that Dean never showed.

"I do not know who the Angel is but if I can find him, when we find him, and I know then we will know how best to start in saving Sam," Castiel understood the grace he had wasn't close to what his true strength was but he would use what he had to help Dean save Sam since in some way the Angel also understood that so many of the brothers problems had come from Heaven to begin with.

"He said that Sam didn't exist anymore," that tore Dean's heart out because to have his brother dead is what he'd fought so long to prevent but to have his body used by another twisted dick was too much to handle. "I did all this to save Sam and…I still lost…Cas? Let go."

Castiel's hand had bunched in Dean's shirt to stop him from pacing but it also served to bring the hunter's focus away from his grief. "Sam was intended to be the vessel for Lucifer, Dean. Sam's mind is very strong. He survived Lucifer's possession enough to fight back for you. He survived the Cage regardless of what it looked like so I can assure you that if we can find his body and the angel in possession of it then we can and we will save your brother," he stated firmly.

"Sam might still be…he's still alive?" Dean wasn't sure what would be more painful: knowing he'd lost Sam to his own wants or that his little brother might be trapped in his own head again and possibly watched as Kevin died. "But if Sam can't expel the guy then how can we save him?"

Taking a slow breath, Castiel knew a way and could only hope for Dean's sake that it would work. "Crowley," he responded. "Crowley can draw out the angel and then I can heal what damage is left but first we have to find him."

Working with the former King of Hell didn't sit right with Dean but considering the things he'd down, the deals he'd made and the lies that have just cost him so much he took another look at Kevin. "Fine, let's find the bastard," his voice was slipping back into the one he hadn't used since Purgatory. "I might have failed Kevin but I will not fail Sam this much. Give me a second to grab some stuff."

"I shall…place Kevin someplace until we see if something can be done," Castiel knew he didn't have that much power even with his own Grace but would see if they couldn't do something for the young man who hadn't asked for this burden and also wondered if another Prophet had been born yet.

Dean didn't want to think about final arrangements for Kevin as he slipped into Sam's room that they had just recently decorated to look around slowly before sliding down to sit on the floor to let the walls down for one brief moment.

As anyone who knew Dean knew he buried his emotions deeply but the one thing that could bring them out was his brother. "I'm sorry, Sammy," he whispered, voice breaking as he let the tears fall freely in a way that he hadn't let them in years. "I'm sorry I let you do the trials. I'm sorry I wasn't smart enough to see what they were doing to you and stopped them sooner. I'm sorry I didn't get to you sooner that night or that I left you. I'm sorry that I let you down again.

"I'm sorry that I was too weak to not let you go this time when I know that's what you wanted. I'm sorry I've lied to you all these months and most of all I'm sorry I couldn't protect you this time from my own mistake."

The cat poster that was a joke between them hung on the wall where Dean had placed it but it was the black rubber bracelet laying on the desk that drew Dean's attention because he remembered when they both still wore them, a time when he wore the amulet his little brother had given him…the amulet he was now determined to find and wear again.

"My job to look after you, baby brother," he took the band in his fingers before slipping it over his wrist along with the one he'd just started to wear again. "I'll do that. I'll find this asshole and no matter what it takes, I will get you back and then if it costs me every damn thing I will shove that angel killing blade into Metatron's face," he swore grimly, hearing Sam's soft laugh in this room and taking another moment to miss and grieve before forcing those emotions down to allow the other side to surface.

The sides that Hell and Purgatory instilled in Dean would come out one more time he reasoned, pulling his wallet out to remove a snapshot of him and Sam taken shortly after he'd went to Stanford for Sam's help in finding their Dad.

The bright eyes, big smile and unspoken trust in Sam's eyes broke Dean's heart because he knew he could never ask Sam to trust him again after this and Dean knew that if his brother survived this that he would do everything in his power to regain Sam's trust even if it meant letting his brother go in whatever way Sam wanted.

"I'm sorry, Sammy," he swallowed back the tears and by the time he rejoined Cas his face was dry, his eyes stone cold serious as he twirled the angel killing blade in his hand. "Let's do this," he decided, no longer liking the bunker as much as he once did. "Let's go find my brother so I can get Sam back and burn this asshole like he burned Kevin."

Castiel merely nodded, pausing at the top of the spiral staircase to look back while also seeing the slight shake in Dean's shoulders to know that his friend would never fully forgive himself for this.

The angel also had been around the Winchesters long enough to know something else. "Payback's a bitch. Especially if you touch what belongs to Dean Winchester."

The End