It was a lovely Monday afternoon at the host club. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Kyouya Ootori was making money.

They were launching their newest host club merchandise. Everybody thought the smallest host club member and secret martial arts genius, senior student Mitsukuni Haninozuka, was adorable, yes? Kyouya had decided to capitalize on this by making plushies of him. Secret photo books were getting risky, after all. He'd never forget about the time the Hitachiins caught his camera crew on their property (shudder). They had needed some serious therapy, and one had changed his name and moved to Brazil in the off chance they found him again.

Luckily, Honey was a million percent on board with this idea, and Kyouya had contacts (read: blackmail material) with/on people in the toy-making business. They were going for ¥1000 a pop, and they had sold at least 100 so far.

The other club members were mixed on their opinions of this latest venture. Haruhi thought it was rather creepy, honestly. Tamaki was theatrically exclaiming how great they were, while the other club members pretended to be deaf. Hikaru and Kaoru were wondering why the price was so low, and this started a debate on how many sweat shops they thought Kyouya owned. Honey just loved them, and insisted that it was Usa-chan's day off so that he could carry around one of the plushies. The effect was simultaneously adorable and disturbing. Usa-chan sat alone, almost looking sad, while Mori read a book, seemingly unaware that any of this was happening.

Eventually, it was time to close down for the day. The customers went home, and the club members arranged rides, as usual. However, Kyouya was curiously absent from this state of affairs.

Kyouya was in the back room with his latest idea, one that could never, ever, ever be released. The required parties would never give their consent. It was a male mannequin-looking thing, about 75 inches tall, wearing the male Ouran uniform and a cheap black wig, the cheapest thing Kyouya had ever even seen in his 16 years of living. It had a badly painted on face, with friendly brown eyes and a hastily cut hole for a mouth, but it was a prototype, so it was allowed to suck. However, when it was fully clothed, you would never guess that it was, well, anatomically correct.

Anyone who ever saw this thing would immediately notice that it bore a strong resemblance to senior student, kendo master and all-around nice guy Takashi Morinozuka.

Kyouya studied his brain child/ lust object for a few minutes until he heard footsteps coming down the hall. There was a mumble going along with it; apparently the person in question had forgotten their bag. The steps stopped right in front of the door, and Kyouya knew he was fucked.

The door opened, and Kyouya decided to do to the mannequin as he sometimes wished he could do to Tamaki: shove it to the floor and pretend it didn't exist. There was a clatter, the wig went askew, and the doll looked offended. Unluckily for all parties involved, the last person Kyouya wanted to see at this moment stepped through the door.

"Have you seen my bag, Kyou- Is that me?"

Well, that was... something. I'm sorry if that offended any sensibilities that could potentially exist.

I know it's not perfect, but I just had to write it after watching the commentary on episode 4, where J. Michael Tatum suggests that they (Funimation) market Honey plushies... and Mori blowup dolls. Honey plushies do exist, but the blowup dolls will never happen, seeing as Bisco Hatori would never sign off on that. I'm not her, by the way. (That's my disclaimer.)

Also, if anyone ever reviews this: what book do you think Mori was reading? Is he a classics guy, or modern? Does he like romance, sci-fi, or something else? And: spot the Haruhi Suzumiya reference!

Brazil has the largest Japanese population outside of Japan, especially in Sao Paolo, so that's why I picked it. The twins will never find that guy there... I made Kyouya 16 because November is a late birthday in the Japanese school year, and I can see this taking place in July or August, so his 17th wouldn't have come yet.

I'm thinking of doing another chapter where it gets more slashy. Is that a good idea? Or should I just give up on this POS?

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I am so sorry.