Theme: Grief
About this fic:
This fic is about loss and is dedicated to two of my sisters who have both experienced whats in this story. I can't write it as one who has, but as someone who grieved on the outside looking in. Someone who could only imagine what it is like. I felt this scenario could work for Clois and perhaps this fic is a bit of an emotional release, its the only thing I can really give to those who have been dealt this hand.
Please be warned it deals with the loss of a child so if you are faint of heart you may not want to read.
The song doesn't exactly match the circumstances but the emotions and grief in the song however does, and its a song that always makes me cry.
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HELD...by Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
The house was quiet, no cheery voices rang out, not even a whisper of what once was. Neither spoke as they came through the door. What was there to say in that moment, what could possible be said that would comfort.
Laying her purse on the counter, Lois sighed and watched as he gently placed what remained of their hopes on the table. He stared at it. She knew what was going through his head, the thought – this can't be real.
But it was.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Clark ran a hand over the surface, feeling the engraved letters, wanting to turn to his wife and tell her it would be okay. It was a promise he couldn't keep, he had already failed.
He finally found the courage to turn and face her, see in her hazel eyes only anguish, no blame. But he blamed himself. She had pleaded and begged, cried that night like he had never known, there had been nothing he could do.
Now she reached out for him, needing to be held, to feel safe.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
His arms around her broke the dam that had held back so many tears from the day, crying silently she buried her face into his chest. Why did he not blame her? She had failed to keep what was so precious to the both of them safe. Knowing there was nothing that she could have done did not change the misplaced guilt, the sense of loss. The worst fear she had ever had; had come true, to be rescued from it was not an option.
Kissing the top of her head Clark buried his grief, for her he would remain strong, be there in these moments. Maybe some how he could make it up to her..
He heard the cry of help but didn't want to go, as if sensing he was needed she looked up and gave him the silent permission he needed. Life had to continue, even if they were broken.
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
At the end of the hall was an open door.
Swallowing back tears, holding the precious cargo to her chest Lois made her way to the room, down the hall that had never seemed so long.
A rocking chair in the corner, a crib setup against the wall. Bedding, covers, curtains, and wall decor with their blue and yellow print that promised happiness, decorated the room. The shelves were lined with little stuffed animals and nicknacks, gifts in anticipation for the little one.
She turned, taking it all in, remembering it had only been a week ago this room had echoed with laughter.
"Smallville... just a little to the left. "
"Good?" he had grinned so big at her.
"Its perfect."
She had smiled back, delighting in the way his hand spread over her swollen abdomen. Laughing softly as he bent down to speak to their son.
"Just giving you a heads up little one.. your mother.. she is demanding."
"Haha! Clark.. if anything he's gonna be like you.. a momma's boy!"
Pushing aside a little stuffed pig and dinosaur, Lois placed between them a teddy bear holding an urn. Her fingers brushing over the fur, unable to touch more then that. It seemed some how appropriate that her baby should be held, forever cradled in soft arms.
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Unable to again stop the tears, she fought the desire to run from the room. There was no place to hide from this pain. Six months she had held that baby, given her heart, felt the life inside her. Six months then gone. Torn from their lives, all the promises and dreams, hopes and wishes. Here they were left to pick up these pieces of love.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
"I am sorry I left.." She heard his words but could only stare at the crib.
She sensed him move closer, he continued with sorrow in his voice, "Lois.. I'm sorry it wasn't enough."
Shaking her head ,she adjusted the blanket on the back of the crib. "If it wasn't for you...we.." A sob escaped her, recalling that night. Clark's panicked voice as he sensed the change in the babies heartbeat, the pain that flooded her, the realization that she hadn't felt the baby move in hours.
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
"It wasn't enough!" he choked out.
Turning, she found him standing in the middle of the room with tears streaming down his face. Lois went to him, enveloping him in her arms, she wasn't the only one trying to endure.
And you survive.
Held in the only arms capable of restoring hope, he cried for the first time since it they had lost their son. Lois didn't fight her own tears or the sorrow that flowed through them both. Sighing, as his arms came around her, she felt her legs give out, he brought them both to the floor.
This is what it is to be loved.
Time passed in the little room that had been full of promise. Sitting in the middle of the floor as one, they held on to what remained, the memory of love for a life that had been theirs. A baby taken, a loss that could never be replaced, a child that would never be forgotten.
"He wasn't ours to keep.." The only words she could give the man she loved, wishing it was more.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
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For Olivia and Angel who will never be forgotten..