Title: The Classy Guy
Summary: In which Phantom must plan the wedding of his fellow Heroes, a stuffy light mage and an elf queen. Crack, sort of Luminous/Mercedes and a twist pairing at the end.
AN: I tried to be funny but it didn't work out and just got longer and longer so I'm cutting my losses. For ViviYingMeow, who has gone through a lot of name changes while waiting for this and has probably forgotten all about it now. Slightly anti-Phantom/Luminous, but no intent to offend.
It was the second anniversary since the Black Mage's defeat when Mercedes and Luminous broke their news to the other heroes. A bright sunny day with birds chirping happily, as befitting the destruction of a fallen Transcendentalist of Light.
Not as fitting for the news, Phantom thought, although others may have disagreed.
"We're getting married," Luminous reported.
The Heroes reacted in different ways. Aran nodded slowly while Maha choked on thin air and accidentally summoned a brief storm of ice. Evan offered his congratulations with a wide smile as Mir let loose some pretty coloured flames into the air, disturbing the chirping birds.
As for Phantom . . . .
"Dear Rhinne," he muttered, thinking of nimble half-elves with the Luminous scowl coming after him wielding dual bow guns and shining rods. "Their children will kill me."
"But since we're not exactly experts in decorating or organizing large events," Mercedes began, and he paid some more attention. Luminous and Mercedes admitting something they weren't good at? Yes please.
He noticed Luminous, looking rather unhappy at what his fiancée was about to say. Rough start, right there.
His smile slipped off, though, when Mercedes finished her sentence. "We're having Phantom plan it."
"Wait, what?"
Luminous exhaled slowly, like he was summoning up patience he didn't have. "You're to plan our wedding," he said through gritted teeth. Clearly, the light mage hadn't liked this plan, but had been strong-armed into going along with it. "But," he added quickly. You're planning it properly. No pranks or problems."
"Why would I do that?" Phantom demanded.
In response to that, Mercedes brought up The Incident.
For those who don't know, The Incident was an incident that had happened after the Black Mage had been sealed by the Heroes for the first time, when they had woken up. Phantom – and everyone else – didn't like to speak about the specifics of The Incident. But still, that didn't mean that The Incident had never happened, and even he knew that he owed Mercedes something big for The Incident.
She had him and he knew it.
So, despite the fact that the products of this union would most likely end up leading to his capture, demise or heart problems later in life, he agreed to help the couple.
Despite his horror at the thought of the progeny that would be produced from this union, Phantom was forced to step in when he saw the plans that had been made already for the wedding. "Are you insane," he asked flatly as he saw just what was being planned.
"What's wrong with it?" Mercedes crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "Neither of us really wants to have many people attend. Just some elves and Lania should be fine. A nice, quiet affair."
"Just some elves, she says," Phantom grumbled, brandishing the short guest list. "Do you realize how many people you'll be snubbing by not inviting? The elves were a distant race before the lot got sealed away, are you going to isolate yourselves even further now?"
Mercedes began to remember the political dance humans liked to engage in, and her head began to hurt. "Oh, please," she sighed wearily. "I don't want to have to deal with fanboys or fangirls on my own wedding day."
Luminous paled at the mention of the rabid fans the heroes had somehow amassed – a by-product of the Heroes returning and revealing to the world their story – and Phantom considered inviting the fans.
In the end he decided against it. The fans weren't mutually exclusive to each Hero, and many of them seemed to like pairing him with Luminous. Not what he wanted to deal with. Ever.
He did, however, insist on adding to the guest list. By the time he was done with it, most of the Alliance had been added in.
"But that's going to be such a large event!" Mercedes cried, feeling a migraine beginning to come on. "The elves don't like paying for overly large and fancy events! Phantom, we have a budget!"
"Trust me," he said to the horrified couple. "The amount of gifts these suckers will bring will make up for it."
"You don't know that," Luminous said, although Phantom suspected he was only saying that because he wanted to be contrary.
"Of course I do. Most members of the Alliance are very rich and successful because they're powerful and can get their hands on rare, expensive items much easier than the average civilian. They can afford to bring good gifts."
"Doesn't mean they will," Mercedes pointed out. "I don't think some of them even like us."
"Please. No one's going to want to appear cheap at the wedding of two Heroes, one of whom happens to be a queen. It would be the biggest faux pas possible if they didn't step up."
Even Luminous couldn't argue against that.
The very first day of his planning involved dealing with getting the couple's special day wardrobe out of the way.
He'd called in the best of the tailors in all of Maple World and sampled their work, had shops send books filled with their products and taken notes on them all before narrowing them down. Then, he'd gone and crossed out any shops using materials elves may have taken offense to after remembering that they were an ancient race with many picky tastes. As to what the ancient organization of Aurora might have taken offense to, he didn't care nearly enough to consider.
After sending Luminous off to a tuxedo rental shop, he had the Lumiere beam him down into the land of the elves. The Elders, who would have normally tried to keep him out, just waved him in. Apparently they had gotten the note that he was the genius putting this whole thing all together.
Except sleeping beauty here wasn't up yet.
"Wake up," he told the queen, who tried to bury her face in her pillow. "You have a dress fitting to go to."
The bride-to-be let out a few mumbles and snuggled deeper into her rose-coloured comforter.
Phantom rolled his eyes. This had been his third attempt, so now . . . .
Mercedes suddenly heard the familiar sound of a thousand cards flying and twisting in the air. She cracked one eye open to find herself surrounded in a swirling tornado of Phantom's cards.
"What the-" she began, only for the cards to abruptly disappear.
Leaving her standing in the middle of a dress shop with tailors and customers, still in her nightgown. A card with a cheeky caricature of a smiling phantom thief was tucked into her hand.
Oh, he was so dead.
"Evan," Phantom said, once he had finished dropping Mercedes off at the place where she was supposed to be. "As the other Hero, I have a job for you."
"Do I get to be the ring bearer?" Evan asked, eyes sparkling in childish excitement.
That slightly creeped Phantom out. Evan, in the years after the Black Mage's fall, had ended up growing taller than all the Heroes, yet he still acted like a young boy. It was like watching a fully grown dog the size of a horse trying to act like a tiny puppy.
"Uh, no," he said. "You get to be the best man."
"Cool!" Evan said happily before frowning. "Wait, what does the best man do?"
Phantom shrugged. "Eh, give a speech at the reception, embarrass the groom by telling stories, make the bride wonder why she decided to marry the guy, flirt with the maid of honour , and tell the groom that he can still run away from it all through the back door or window before he shackles himself down with the manacles that is marriage."
Evan stared blankly.
Phantom snapped his fingers, remembering one last duty on the best man's list. "Oh, and plan the bachelor's party."
Evan stared blankly some more. And then, when Phantom didn't add anything else, he raised his hand timidly like he wanted to ask a question, but also wanted to ask permission to ask that question.
"Yes?"
"Can I be the ring bearer instead?"
"No. It's a job saved for cute, small midgets, not tall dragon masters."
Evan's shoulders drooped in disappointment. "Awww . . . ."
Phantom struggled to not fall for the puppy eyes Evan shot him, and had to teleport away before he gave.
"You know," Phantom said as he forged the couple's signature on invitations. He was getting through more invitations than the actual couple themselves, and Mercedes, after examining his finished products, thought that his invitations had more of a beautiful flourish than theirs did.
Great. The thief signed their names better than they did.
"I still don't understand why you're getting married."
Luminous jerked, and knocked over his inkwell. The ink spilled over everything within the light mage's vicinity, and ruined a pile of invites. Phantom swore and restrained himself from throwing a card into his face.
Mercedes sighed. "Luminous, you go and clean up. I'll take care of the mess here."
Phantom snatched the still-intact invites to safety while the elf queen began wiping up the ink with a rag.
"So?" he asked when the silence got too awkward. It was easier to get an answer from her alone than to ask the two of them together. "Why are you two getting married?"
"Why do you want to know?" she asked back instead of answering, and didn't meet his eyes.
He raised an eyebrow. "I asked first."
She huffed. "Five-year old logic."
He finished five invites and put them aside to dry without the ink smudging before she replied. "The elves are tired," she said at last. "We're a long-lived race, and our forces are tied to nature. When we took down the Black Mage, we didn't get wiped out . . . but it was close, for a while. So . . ." she trailed off and shrugged.
"And you couldn't marry an elf?"
Mercedes giggled. "Who would I marry?"
"An elf, I presumed."
She shook her head. "No eligible bachelors."
"Ah. So you stooped to mere mortal humans."
"It's not just that," she protested. "Me marrying a fellow Hero would . . . would be good. Not only for appearances on the political scene to solidify the presence of the elves in the world, which you seem awfully worried about, but also because we're all strong, and strong blood being brought in would help. And . . . and I don't know if I would ever really be able to marry someone who wouldn't understand what it's like, to have been frozen out of time for so long. To be with someone who would never really comprehend what it took to face the Black Mage and be willing to sacrifice everything."
"So you chose Luminous," he said sarcastically, waving an invite to dry the ink quicker before setting it aside and grabbing a new one.
"He's a good man," Mercedes defended. "A powerful mage. A great friend."
"But do you love him?" he pressed.
The queen of elves paused. "Royalty rarely marries for love," she said softly. "And really, it wouldn't be bad for me to marry Luminous. He's an intelligent man that I deeply respect, who I can be a good partner with. We understand each other, and we've gone through much together. Even if our marriage doesn't result in love, who's to say our bond wouldn't be as strong, built on mutual respect and friendship?"
"You've . . ." Phantom trailed off. "Really thought through this."
She turned to look at him curiously with her blue eyes curiously wide. "Didn't you?"
Truthfully, no, not really.
"Why not?"
He considered jumping out of the window and flying off to the great skies. But Mercedes was staring at him with her piercing eyes, and he knew better than anyone that her aim with her dual bow guns was incredible.
"I'm not one to get tied down easily, I guess," he said at last.
"But what about Empress Aria?"
He didn't flinch. "Even then, I wasn't exactly one for . . . for being tied down to one place. Maybe if I did, I could have kept her safe."
"Remember the incident?" Mercedes asked suddenly, and the way she said it didn't put the term in italics or give it capital letters.
"Oh, Rhinne," Phantom groaned. "Look, I said I would do this, and I'm keeping my word, alright?"
"No, I mean . . ." Mercedes trailed off. "Why did you ask me out?"
Shortly after the Heroes had all met again, Phantom had, indeed, asked Mercedes out, and the elf queen had accepted his offer. But then, the other Heroes had accused Phantom of using Mercedes as an Aria-stand in, and he had never defended himself. At the time she had assumed it to be from shame because it was true, but now . . .
Now she wasn't sure.
And she wouldn't get her answer that day. Luminous came back into the room, an ink stain still on his robes. Whatever he'd been about to say, the words stopped when he noticed the weird air in the atmosphere. "Everything alright?" he asked.
"Of course," Phantom said flippantly. "You two finish off the invites by yourselves, alright? I'm going to go take a breath of fresh air."
He swept out of the room before either of them could stop him.
Five seconds later, both Mercedes and Luminous yelled in surprise as their hair suddenly became dyed different colours – Mercedes now had green hair, while Luminous had pink.
"Phantom!"
"So about the cake-"
Mercedes slammed her head down onto the table, and let her pale blonde hair trickle down around her face. "Just," she said weakly. "Just vanilla. Just something plain."
Phantom looked doubtful. "Are you sure about that? The cake house I've hired does a lot of specialty flavours, including some mixed berry combinations that elves might like a lot."
Luminous raised a hand. "Lania's allergic to a few berries and fruits. I'll give you the list."
"And vanilla, really, I mean it's obvious you two are the vanilla couple but that's really going the extra mile, don't you think?"
While Luminous turned bright red and sputtered uncontrollably, Mercedes kept her head glued to the tabletop.
"How's the dress coming along?" Phantom asked, barging into the shop.
"The bride isn't supposed to be seen in her dress-!" the clerk began screeching, but Phantom waved her off.
"It's alright, it's alright," he said. "I'm not the groom. Just the genius that's planning all of this."
"I could have sworn you said you didn't want to do this. You sound enthusiastic, Phantom."
He turned around to shoot off a reply, but his jaw dropped when he saw Mercedes. Sure, white was her main colour, that the dress she had on was the same 'pure' colour was nothing new. She had been born to charge into battlefields in ivory armour and kick serious ass.
But even feminine, fancy armour made by elves couldn't compare to a wedding dress. There was no gold trim, no protective hard shell. Mercedes had pulled the veto card and insisted on nothing too fancy or lewd, and Phantom had gone along with it – simple, but expensive.
Ruched skirt, sweetheart neckline, full-length lace sleeves. It was Mercedes, but not a warrior queen. Just a bride.
"No," he said before he really thought through his words.
Her expression turned stormy. "I like it," she said mulishly.
"It's not you," he tried to tell her.
"Of course it's her," the clerk interfered. "She looks magnificent!"
She looked magnificent even with the slimy blood of her enemies spattered on her cheek , hair mussed and sweaty from hours of battle. This demure, blushing bride, beautiful as she was, wasn't her.
He sighed. "Whatever you want, I guess," he said, swearing that this issue wasn't resolved just yet.
"No."
"But it's the perfect dress!"
"No!"
"Oh come on! Be more reasonable – if you rip dress I will never forgive you, I swear on Rhinne's name and the Zeroes."
Aran huffed, and removed her arms from the offensive piece of material. "It's too short."
"No it's not," Phantom said flatly. "The skirt is longer than what you usually wear."
The white-haired hero eyed the dress with enough distaste to kill. "It doesn't feel that way when I'm wearing it."
Of course it didn't, Phantom had lied through his teeth about the skirt length being longer.
"You'll look great," he said instead, channeling all of Evan's enthusiasm into it.
Aran threw her hands up in the air in exasperation, dropping the dress – probably on purpose. Phantom snatched it up before it fell on the dirty ground and hung it back on a hook. "Can't I just wear my battle attire?" she asked. "All the other warriors are."
"None of the warriors are bridesmaids," he pointed out. "You need to match the other bridesmaids. Look," he said before her famous temper erupted and she began swinging Maha in the cramped shop. "How about you only wear the bridesmaid dress until the reception, and then change for the party?"
Aran considered it. "Alright," she said slowly. "That sounds . . . reasonable."
"Promise?"
She sighed. "Promise."
Phantom smiled widely. "Alright. Oh, and this dress is just the basic design we agreed on. We might make some changes to it later on."
Suddenly Aran's face paled. "What?"
"See you around!"
"Wait, Phantom!"
But he was already gone, leaving only a few cards fluttering down to the ground.
Three days later, Aran was sent the completed dress. She took one look at the flowery, lacy pink thing and roared in fury.
Phantom wisely stayed away from her.
"I get why Mercedes is marrying you," Phantom said, hanging upside down from a branch above the light mage's head. "But what about you? What are you marrying Mercedes for?"
Luminous pinched the bridge of his nose. "Go away, Phantom."
The day Phantom listened to what Luminous told him to do for the sake of his comfort was the day he hung up his cards, mantle and hat and let the authorities arrest him for real. "Don't tell me you're a cheap gold digger," he said, releasing the branch and twisting to land properly on his feet. "Because that would be disappointingly too simple."
Luminous tightened his grip on his light rod. Phantom noticed, but pretended not to. "Or were the rumours true?" he continued on, speeding up his pace until he was walking along Luminous. "You're actually the Black Mage in control, trying to kill everyone important by having them come to a wedding with their guard down before deviously taking over the world?"
Phantom nearly ran into Luminous when he stopped abruptly.
"Look," Luminous said, through gritted teeth. "If I tell you, will you leave me alone?"
This was a better deal than Phantom expected. "I suppose I will," he said mildly, like he didn't really care either way when in reality, he was dying to know.
Luminous sighed wearily. "I'm worried about Lania," he said at last. "Don't get me wrong, I couldn't have been happier after learning that she was Lucia given a second chance at life, but Phantom, we defied time and our average lifespan. Any moment now, what if we suddenly . . ." Luminous gestured. "Expire?"
"Was that a possibility?" Phantom asked. "Of being a part of the Black Mage and all, I mean."
"I thought it might be," he replied. "And even when I survived and the Black Mage didn't, who's to say that this will last? Lania's all I have, but at the same time, I'm all Lania has. A cat and a ghost as companions in the middle of an isolated forest is no way for a young girl to live, even if it's a second life she's living. A community of kind-hearted people who are more than capable of protecting her from any danger, even when I'm not there . . . a family . . . that's what I want to give her."
"Ah," Phantom said.
He left Luminous alone after that.
Three minutes later Luminous discovered that his shining rod had been stolen.
"Phantom!"
Despite having friends and an older brother, Evan's idea of a bachelor's party turned out to be a trip out to pizza. No alcohol, no strippers, and no trying to convince Luminous to back out before it was too late.
Luminous didn't mind too much. In fact, he brought Lania along. And then proceeded to spend the time intimidating Evan after the poor young Hero had made the mistake of smiling at Lania.
"Great bachelor's party," Hawkeye muttered sarcastically into his mug of bright pink non-alcoholic juice. The paper umbrella nearly poked his eye out, and he cursed.
"I agree," the ghost friend that lived with Luminous said serenely, scaring several of the people present.
The highlight of the party ended up being Lania playing patty cakes with Mir. "Everyone's a winner this way," the blonde girl said cheerfully.
"No, I'd say they're more losers," Phantom muttered, and had to duck to avoid being brained by a pizza plate, courtesy of Luminous.
On the morning of the wedding day, three hours before the event was supposed to commence, Phantom barged into the queen's chambers. "What are you doing!" he cried.
"What?" Mercedes lifted her head from her pillow sleepily.
"Wake up!"
Her eyes shot open. "What time is it?"
"Ten o'clock! You were supposed to be up two hours ago!"
Mercedes was legendary for her graceful movements, her elegant appearance and her cool demeanor, all kept even within the fiercest, bloodiest of battles against the worst of odds.
Right now she was a flustered, panicked mess, scrambling to untangle her limbs from her covers.
"Go take a shower!" Phantom ordered, shoving her off to the attached bathroom while he yanked out the dress – changed to something that better showed her as the warrior elf queen she was after his constant nagging – and the shoes. "Danika! Make-up, now!"
"Coming, coming!" The Elder of War hurried into the room, the kit she had borrowed from Empress Cygnus heavy in her arms.
"Get her ready while I look after the food and set up," he ordered, and then hurried out.
Then, he came running back in, and shoved a hairdryer into her hands. "Make sure her hair's done properly as well!"
"Where am I supposed to plug this in?" she shouted after him.
"Does this place not have sockets and electrical systems in yet?!"
"Of course not, we're elves!"
"Oh for-" Phantom ran back. "Take her to the Lumiere after she's done. Get her all ready up there. Alright?"
"How?"
"My captain is magic, he'll come in time."
"All gifts here!" Phantom shouted into the megaphone, and then watched as the pile of treasures began growing.
And growing.
And growing.
Ah, the Maple Alliance. Rich, successful people who liked to give, and more importantly, were loaded enough to be generous.
He scoped out the gifts, and made note of some of the treasures he took particular likings to. Commissioner's fee and all.
Hey, he had to make a living somehow.
"Phantom!" Aran shouted from behind the line of people dropping off their valuable gifts. Tall as the white-haired woman was, he saw Maha before he saw her.
First things first – hide from the pole-arm wielding bridesmaid.
The portrait of Freud, set up to the side – but still prominent and easily visible – went over pretty well with everyone. People paid their respects, and even the couple stood in front of it for a while.
"Look at him," Luminous said quietly, voice subdued. "Smiling. Like he's just saying, 'Hey, guys, it all went well, good job'."
Mercedes, like a true bride, cried. Danika panicked and rushed to take care of her makeup.
"Mr. Freud wouldn't want you to cry on your wedding day!" the Elder of War cried. "He'd want you to be happy!"
"That's right!" the portrait spoke, giving everyone a heart attack. Danika screamed and accidentally drew a black line from the edge of her queen's eye to her chin before she fainted. "You two should be making the choices that make yourselves happy! Otherwise, I died for pretty much nothing, didn't I?"
Luminous stared. Then, he pulled out his shining rod, Phantom's wedding gift to the soon-to-be groom. "Phantom," he said. "You have three seconds."
"I can't believe you figured it out," Phantom said, popping out from behind the portrait and giving everyone a second heart attack.
"Why were you hiding?" Luminous asked him once his initial impulse to blast the thief with the powers of light and darkness had passed.
"Eh, Aran's trying to kill me." He shrugged, like having the master of the magic pole arm after his feathered hat-wearing head was nothing new.
"I don't blame her," the light mage muttered, looking like he needed a drink before the party could actually begin and the bar open.
Mercedes smacked Phantom's arm. "You shouldn't have done that," she fumed. "It's disrespectful, it's horrible, it's – it's mean!"
Phantom reached out and mussed up her hair lightly, making her shriek in protest. "I rather doubt Freud would have found it any of those things," he pointed out. "He liked pranks better than – well, better than most of you, if I remember correctly. And mean? Really? That's the best you could do?"
She huffed.
"Seriously, though," he said, pulling out a rose from nowhere and handing it to her. "Be happy."
He left before Mercedes could even say anything. She looked down at the flower – red, thornless, perfect – and huffed.
She knew he knew the meaning of flowers like the back of his hand. This . . . .
Phantom dozed off when Neinheart began speaking.
"If anyone present objects to the union of these two, speak now, or forever hold your peace," he heard Neinheart say while half-asleep, and briefly, dazed and sleepy, he considered speaking just for the heck of it.
"I object!"
For a moment Phantom thought he had actually spoken out, and flailed in panic. He only stopped when he fell off his chair.
Damn it all, he had planned this entire thing down to perfection! Who dared to interfere!?
Fire in his eyes, he turned to the intruder, ready to dish out some serious holy smiting to whoever it was with a few skills copied from a powerful Bishop –
And stopped when he saw it was Lania.
"Lania?" Luminous said, sounding as surprised as everyone in the room felt. Clearly he had not expected this.
Well, no one really had. That was why everyone was gasping and murmuring and all that.
She blushed when everyone stared at her, whispers growing louder and louder, but took a deep breath. "Luminous doesn't want to get married," she said bravely. "He's just doing it because he's such a selfless person. I think – I think that's wrong, and he – he should be able to marry for love."
"Lania," Luminous said, sounding touched. "It's okay."
"No it's not!" Lania shouted fiercely, surprising everyone. "You don't want to be king, or king consort! You hate the idea of being in a ruler's position!"
"You wouldn't guess that from Bossypants' attitude," Phantom muttered under his breath as he began to make his way up to the altar.
Mercedes glanced at Luminous. "Is it true?" she asked.
"I-" Luminous began, but at a fierce look from Lania, sighed. "Yeah," he admitted. "I don't want to be like the Black Mage, I guess, and it just reminds me so much of him . . . ."
"Alright," said Mercedes. "We don't have to get married."
A resounding chorus of "What?" came from the crowd, the loudest of which came as a squawk from Phantom, who had just reached the two now-ex-couple.
"Look," Luminous sighed. "Neither Mercedes nor I are interested in marrying each other, so can we just, I don't know, agree to not go through with it?"
"Someone did object," Mercedes agreed. "So technically, we can't get married happily. You did say being happy was important, Phantom."
"I don't believe that's how it works," Neinheart murmured, and was ignored.
"Oh, no you don't," said Phantom. "Do you know how much effort I put into planning this wedding? Someone better be getting married today."
"Well, technically, it was your fault that we ended up not getting married," Luminous objected. "So you get married."
There were a few squeals from the audience, and calls for Phantom and Luminous to get married. Despite his best efforts, the fangirls had snuck in.
He paled.
Luminous, looking slightly pale himself, reached out and – roughly – pushed Phantom towards Mercedes.
"He'll be perfect," the light mage muttered, before shuddering in disgust. "I can't believe I just said that."
Phantom looked at Mercedes, and Mercedes looked at Phantom.
"He has a point," she said. "You are a prominent Hero who knows what it's like. And there are parts of your personality that aren't displeasing."
"What a passionate declaration of love," Phantom said dryly before leaning in and kissing her. She kissed back, and he grinned.
"I didn't even give you permission to kiss the bride yet," Neinheart said in the background, and while they didn't directly acknowledge his words, they did back up slightly.
"Are you still afraid of getting tied down?" she asked quietly, fidgeting with the edge of her dress.
"I thought elves didn't go for that whole tying down thing because you're immortal and all that," he replied evasively, not quite answering the question and spewing bullshit.
Mercedes let go of her dress and held out a hand. Phantom took it without hesitation, because there was no way he was letting someone go, not again.
Luminous sighed in relief and backed off while they took their vows.
And that was how Phantom ended up marrying Mercedes and becoming king consort of the elves, albeit the most absent and law-breaking one in all of elfin history.
And everyone lived happily ever after.