Dr. Pazaran
A JtHM fic.
By Rebelion Muda
Tic, tac.
Tic, tac.
Tic, tac…
That heavy beating of the clock on the wall marked an endless heavy compass, like steps time walked going exactly to nowhere. Seconds just ran, minutes that seemed hours, ran away from that place to hide under some rock or behind some wall.
He couldn't blame them… after all he wanted to run away and hide, too.
But he was in the place already, in some responsibility lapse he had dragged himself to that hallway inside of that grim hospital and had sit on one of those hard blue chairs that he never finished deciding if he liked them or not.
"I have to do it, I have to do it"
Thought the man that sat with his gaze lost on the roof, his long body trying to fit on that tiny uncomfortable chair.
A young lady sat beside him, his long black hair like curtains prevented anyone from seeing her face. She had probably arrived earlier than him, she always did. Always waited for more than two hours for her turn, and never moved, not even an inch.
He was already used to her, he had never asked her name and he believed that even if he did the girl wouldn't answer. Still he didn't try. Edgar never tried. How was he supposed to get better if he didn't try at all.
Maybe he could do it now, maybe he could ask the girl's name.
No.
Never.
And what if he bothered her? What if the girl was asleep and only wanted to rest but Edgar's selfishness only commanded him to wake her up just so he could know his name. No, he wasn't like that, no he wasn't… if there was a thing Edgar Vargas couldn't escape was his own conscious.
Although… he had this very appointment set up for every two weeks in that same hallway, but he had missed it two whole months. And his guilt was so big he could swear that those stains on the walls of that decrepit hospital took the shape of reproachful eyes, scrutinizing and reproving his lack of touch.
"I should have called, I should have told them I wasn't coming…"
But he couldn't hide himself behind cheap excuses.
He didn't want to be there, he hated the place. He hated its smell. He hated those posters about sugar levels in blood that were in front of him. He hated that metal plaque on the wall that was set to honor some business man that had given the hospital quite a lot of money. He hated the hall of Pregnancy Control that was beside his doctor's room. And the nurses… oh he hated them too.
Still hate was such a strong word… and he wasn't used to it. Never accepted it and disguised it in some yawn or imaginary itch on his neck or his cheek.
Some room minutes made its way out of the room, and he sound himself staring the pregnant woman in front of him. Why the hell would they place that Pregnancy Control hall in front of a Psychiatrist Room? What if Edgar finally lost his mind once and for all and decided to grab that metal plaque on the wall and bury it on everyone's head?
God bless Mister Toleda…
Who made posible this area's construcción.
A tousand on patients…
"… thank his generosity, thank his generosity, thank his generosity…"
He had read it so many times he had memorized what it said.
Edgar stared at the floor.
He definitely had a problem.
His problem was that Mister Toleda. If he had only kept his money for himself, he wouldn't have to sit on that chair, on that hallway, in front of those accusing stains, listening how minutes that felt like hours ran away and made fun of him for not being able to follow them under some rock of inside of some wall.
He heard a noise.
Was it that long haired anonymous young lady?
No. She just was there, as static as she had been before. It wasn't her.
"Mister Vargas?"
His internal monologue had to stop. The soft voice came from the youngest nurse. Her blond hair framed her young face while she smiled kindly. "It's your turn now"
Oh how he had wished he had said something else… something like "Get out of here, you're freaking out the other patients" or "The doctor is mad at you and won't see you ever again" or "We made a bet, if you didn't kill someone in two weeks we'd say you were as sane as someone that lives in this God forbidden city can be… now get out of my damn hospital!!!"
But only a "It's your turn now" would leave the nurse's lips.
He got up and entered the room, the little chair cracked under his weight, glad that he had finally got off it, or maybe lamenting his approaching fate. As Edgar was lamenting it. He got inside of the room in just some seconds, but there was no one there.
As always, he had to wait. The young nurse closed the door behind him, those stains on the wall where the last thing he saw, his twisted mouths laughing at him, knowing what it was coming to him, after all they had been witness of so many others, oh so many others…
Even inside of the room he could hear that tic-tac very well, or maybe it was just inside of his head. Maybe there wasn't a clock on the wall at all. Maybe he just wanted it to be there. Something as constant and sane as a clock. Something he would have been glad to become.
Fifteen minutes passed, that woman had serious problems with punctuality.
He was starting to relax a bit, to believe all that was just a dream, that he was soon to wake up curled up under his gray sheets. For God's sake, he even wished to wake up on Nny's sofa, with Nny's hands over his neck.
"Good morning, Edgar"
Oh, no.
He almost jumped on his sit and looked at her a bit afraid, with that bunny look on his eyes, staring at that hungry fox that now had him under her claws.
"Dr. Pazaran…" he whispered, feeling the name get stuck on his throat.
"I'd love if you didn't fall asleep right now… we have a lot of things to talk about, my dear." She sat on her chair, right in front of him and crossed her legs. Her thin frame hadn't changed at all. She still was that short thin woman Edgar had met almost a year ago, her short black hair perfectly brushed, her red lipstick made her look even paler than she was.
Sometimes he thought she was a vampire of some sort, but that couldn't be true, her eyes weren't gold or didn't shine in the dark and she was using a crucifix on her neck as he was. That made him feel comfortable. "It's a very good thing to see you again, I thought you were never coming back"
The young man lowered his head, ashamed "I'm sorry, doctor, it was impossible for me to come earlier… I had… things… to do…" Edgar wasn't good al lying, the best thing he could do was to say the truth at half.
Though he knew sooner or later he had to tell her what exactly those things were, still he didn't really want to talk them right then.
"I see… I bet those things were really important. You had never missed one single appointment in a whole year. I was getting worried about you, after all with all these mysterious killings happening around the city, I was afraid something bad had happened"
Edgar swallowed.
Oh yes, weird killings.
He knew so well those killings. A shiver crawled up his spine.
Nny.
Even if the homicidal maniac wasn't there, he had had a reaction just to his mere name. How important was Nny for him, for a person that wouldn't even dare to ask a girl for her name. But he had talked to Nny, they had had a conversation, Nny had called him his friend… better yet… his bestest, bestest friend in the room.
But Edgar wasn't naïve. Not that much.
Not with Nny.
He wasn't his friend really, no he wasn't. Of course he often called Edgar and made him go to his house at the #777, or made him go with him to the movies or to a dance club, or obligated him to stay in his house just to yell at him to leave.
He wasn't mister popularity but he kind of felt that wasn't a friendship.
"… everyone was killed… even all those roaches." The doctor had been talking but he hadn't been listening.
"… roaches" Edgar echoed, he tended to do that when he didn't know what to say. He took a minute or too just to say an actual answer "I'm fine, those things were… really important… I'm sorry I didn't call before, I know I should have done it"
"Calling it's not what's important" Dr. Pazaran adjusted her glasses, her thin lips barely moved when she talked "Why are you here, Edgar?"
So many times she had asked him the same question, so many times he had answered the same… and so many times he had been wrong.
"To cure my Asperger"
The shrink sighed.
"No Edgar, that is accidental. Your Asperger is not the main reason of why you're here"
Asperger… Or the failure at establishing deep emotional bonds, the feeling that you can never be truly close to someone (even though you wish, unlike other types of autism), empathy problems, some physical clumsiness, introversion, can focus on anything for a very long period of time, almost obsessively without getting bored, repetitive tendencies ... practically his own essence.
No friends, no family… no anything.
Just faith. God and all that.
"A heaven for me… and a hell… and a hell…"
"… for you."
"Uh?"
"I'm saying that it will be difficult for you to get over things if you don't even know what you are dealing with. Are you paying attention?"
"… yes?"
"No you weren't. And you're a terrible liar, too" She took off her glasses "What were you thinking about, Edgar? Your important things?"
"Well… yes." He whispered "They keep me thinking a lot lately."
"I'd love if we could talk about those things then, if they caught your mind so apprehensively" she said, adjusting her glasses on her face again.
"It's nothing really, I was just… remembering something"
"If you refuse to talk about what happens in your life how do you expect the therapy to make any advance, my dear Edgar." She said on that tone, oh how he hated that tone.
He shook his head.
"I was just thinking on the Asperger. How it has affected my life" He lied again, but the doctor didn't press it anymore.
"And how do you think it has affected it?"
"Well… all my life has been about the same. My work, my apartment, I spend my time on this monotonous existence and there's no one around."
Edgar didn't like to talk about Nny, he didn't like to open to anyone either but he couldn't deny the doctor was right. If he really wanted to stop going to that place he had to get better and the only way to do it was to talk.
"There's no one around me… no one that can listen to me or… talk to me."
"You don't like that loneliness you live in yet… I don't really see you're doing anything to solve it. It has been a year and you still spend your days inside of your house, and just get out to work and to go to church. These things you're telling me are not new… If you hate so much your loneliness, why don't you try, at least try... to make a friend?"
"Because… because…" how he hated being there "… I can't. I just can't." He said in a very low voice.
"You CAN, Edgar… you have been taking your medication, you have been coming here for almost a year, you try so hard to make an effort but at the end you just back up." Her tone was very strong and sharp as sharp was her mind. "You never want to face things, never… Things are not easy, and when you started I told you they were not going to be like that." She sighed "Sometimes you're so close, you get so close… but you never get to the place. Why don't you want to make friends, Edgar? Why don't you like people?"
"I like people!" he said aloud, his cheeks were pink, the doctor's words had touched some strings inside of him "I like people I just… I just can't talk to them, I can't feel close to them, I can't… "
"… trust them?"
The young man swallowed.
"… yes."
Without noticing, he had hugged himself. Maybe he should tell her about Nny, maybe if she knew he has made a friend she would stop telling him things that he didn't want to know.
"Why can't you trust them?"
A heavy feeling set upon him, the room seemed so dark and air felt so vicious.
"Because… because…." A flash came to his mind, a little children waiting outside of the church, it was getting late, so late, it was very dark, but no one would come pick him up, not until 10pm "… I made a friend months ago."
"Uh?" Not really what the woman had expected him to answer, but it was something very important. "You really made a friend, a real one? That's great Edgar! I'm impressed" she said with sincere hope in her tone.
Vargas was just static.
"And who is he? How did you met him? Or met her? Is it a boy or a girl?"
And he started to tremble lightly.
"A boy" he said so low it was almost a whisper, as if the words that were about to leave his lips were some kind of dirty, secret.
"A boy, that's great… and where did you met him?"
"At… " how to say it? How to lie and say the truth at the same time? "… at his house… umh, at the street first then at his house."
"Really? That's funny… and how did you met him?"
"I… " he thought about it for some seconds "He came to me on the street and took me to his house, he needed me for… something" And then he realized how everything had sounded.
"Oh no, no I mean… I met him on the street and he said he needed me for something, apparently I was the only one who could help him and I went to his house with him."
"Well Edgar, that was very dangerous, don't you think? You really shouldn't just go to a strenger's house when they ask you to, don't you remember the killings?"
"I think I really didn't have a choice" he said dryly.
"I see… and what did you do there?"
"We… talked"
"About what?"
"About… things"
"Thinks like what?"
"Like… people"
Since when his answers had became a two words sentences?
People.
Why is people so unpleasant?
"And what did you talked about people, Edgar? You really need to give mea longer answer this time."
"He doesn't… like people. And we talked about that. He is right in a lot of things but I believe he's a bit of an extremist" Focusing on that little talk was better for him than talking about how they had met.
"Why do you think so?"
"Well he thinks all people are… goblins let's say. You can't get out of your house without them always trying to hurt you, or make fun on you. I think he's right about that but that's a very general statement. Not everyone is like that" he relaxed a bit, and relaxed his self hug.
"Are you like that?"
"Oh NO… no… I'm not like that"
"How are you then?"
"I'm… I'm very calm, I don't like to bother people, I don't like to talk to them…"
"Oh then you CAN talk to them but you don't LIKE it, am I right?" The shrink eyes shinned, Edgar had fallen in the trap and now he really started to believe that she was a vampire of some sort.
"No I mean, I can't talk to them either I…. I…" I just walked right into that.
"You don't like people and don't like to get near of them the question is why. Why don't you like people Edgar? Why did they do to you that you can't talk to them?"
Remembering is indeed a very dangerous thing. Especially when you don't have nice things to remember. And Edgar Vargas was one of those persons that couldn't take a moment to remember things, because they can change… they can turn into something they just are not.
"Is it because of your father?" She whispered, knowing she was entering in some dangerous fields. "Because of the way she hit your mother … and you? Maybe you think everyone is like he was. Do you?"
"He's dead" he said with a cracked voice. "He cannot hurt me anymore."
"I bet he can't like he used to, but people can hurt us even when they are gone."
"He cannot hurt me, he cannot hurt me anymore… I'm not… I'm not afraid of him" his shaking voice was barely understandable.
"You have passed through a lot, and we have to face all that, it's normal to be scared. Or maybe you're not afraid of your father… maybe you're scared of someone else."
"I am not scared"
"You have to be scared of something, Edgar! Fear is natural, fear is healthy. What scares you in the night?..." A little boy outside of the church "… what do you feel when somebody talks to you?..." it was so cold and so dark, a child really shouldn't be there "… what do you remember when they say *Hi*" There is someone hiding behind those trees "… or when they touch you…" he grabbed his arm, his eyes were red, the grab hurt Edgar's arm so hard "… what do you fear…" let me go, don't touch me, let me go, don't hurt me "… when you're all alone in the dark."
"I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR!!!!"
He yelled and got up violently, his face was red, and his chest went up and down as he panted roughly. "I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR!!! THERE'S NO ONE THERE!!! THERE'S NO ONE BEHIND THOSE TREES!!! HE CAN'T TOUCH ME!!! HE CAN'T HURT ME!!! GOD IS WITH ME!!! HE IS WITH ME!!! A HEAVEN FOR ME!!! A HEAVEN FOR ME…"
Dr. Pazaran stared at him.
"… he can't touch me… he can't… he can't…" Edgar fell hard on his chair, tears ran through his cheeks "… he can't hurt me now…" and then he became sobs and buried his face in his hands.
Seconds that felt like minutes, minutes that felt like hours… and they ran, ran away to hide under some rock. A little child really shouldn't have been there. A little child shouldn't be left alone in the dark. Everyone knows what happens to them. Poor little child, poor little child.
"What he did to you was wrong, my dear… and you shouldn't have been all alone that night, your family should have picked you up earlier, I know that when they got there…" the woman's voice was a sweet hiss, like a lovely lullaby.
"… it was late…" his voice was now high pitched
A heavy silence fell upon them.
For several minutes no one said a thing, and no one talked again until Edgar's sobs were finished.
"I'm… I'm sorry…" he whispered, again ashamed of his behavior, of this guilt, of those faces on the wall that sure were making fun of him.
"You don't have anything to be sorry about" she said, almost singing "And you have nothing to fear now… nobody can touch you in you don't want, my dear"
Edgar swallowed and took a deep breath that finished calming him.
"Time is over. I'd love to meet your friend one of these days, maybe you can bring him next time, can you?"
Edgar shrugged, of course he couldn't. He needed his shrink.
"Keep taking your medication, and take a lot of care, please." She got up and so he did
About to leave, he heard her voice again
"Edgar…"
The young man turned around, his face was still reddish.
"You're a very brave person"
Vargas started at her, and smiled sadly. He got out of the room and started walking through the hallway.
The pregnant lady was not there anymore, but the young long haired girl was still there. He walked beside her and stopped.
Maybe he could, maybe he could…
No.
Maybe next session.
Edgar Vargas (c) Jhonen Vasquez
Dr. Pazaran (c) RebelionMuda
Dedicated to my shrink.