Hi. This is a spec script based on the American TV sitcom "New Girl" that I am working on for practice writing screenplays and television shows. Just thought I'd run it by here to see what everyone who is a fan of the show thinks. I call it "The Two Foot Rule" and it takes place after Schmidt finds out Nick and Jess kissed and Nick and Jess are still trying to work out how they feel about that. It's actually longer than a real half hour sitcom would be. By the way "INT.' means interior scenes and "EXT." means exterior scenes. And O.S. means out of shot, like when someone speaks but is not seen on camera.
FADE IN
INT. LOFT, KITCHEN – DAY
Jess is at the counter making a cup of coffee. She is in her soft pink bathrobe, looks like she woke up recently. A steaming cup of tea sits nearby. She has the sugar dish opened and is spooning sugar into the coffee cup
JESS
(to herself)
One…two…
(adds more sugar)
Three…or was it one?
She shrugs and stirs the coffee. Just then Nick walks into the kitchen area, blearing eyed, yawning, wearing his tatty green bathrobe.
JESS
(perky)
Morning!
NICK
(startled, yawns)
Uhhh…yeah, good morning, Jess.
They smile a bit at each other. Jess picks up the two cups, hands the coffee to Nick.
JESS
I've got the cure for those sleepy-eyed blues. Here you go, mister, just the way you like it, black three sugars.
Nick has taken a sip, makes a face.
NICK
I take one sugar.
JESS
(overlapping)
One sugar…sorry.
Jess reaches for his cup.
JESS
Let me get you a new one. The pot is full.
NICK
No, it's fine. I need a little more sugar in my life, if you know what I mean.
They look at each other with a knowing look and then they both laugh.
JESS
No, come on, Nick, I screwed it up. Let me…
She reaches for his cup again but misses it as he tries to back off and she grabs his hand. She doesn't let go. They stay there and look at each other again as she holds his hand.
NICK
(softly)
Jess…I…
The door to Schmidt's room opens. He is dressed in a sharp suit and tie and has his bag and is obviously on the way to work. Jess and Nick snap out of it and she pulls her hand away as if on fire, but Schmidt has seen it all.
SCHMIDT
Well, well, morning in the loft and Mom and Pop are making goggly eyes over the coffee.
JESS
(frowning)
Are you making fun of my big eyes again?
NICK
I think he is.
SCHMIDT
No, I am making an observation about you two and all this unresolved sexual tension! And Jess, what are you thinking of? Wearing that soft pink robe? That's catnip to men!
NICK
(to Jess)
Told you.
JESS
(mad)
It's not catnip! I'm just comfortable in it. Nick's wearing his robe as well!
SCHMIDT
(scoffing)
That old thing is not even catnip to cats. What I am saying is you two agreed to stay roommates only and here you are making eyes at each other. Where is this going to end?
NICK
What are you talking about? She's just making me a cup of coffee!
SCHMIDT
Oh? And where's my morning cup of joe, Miss Day?
Jess sits at the kitchen table with her tea, glaring at Schmidt.
JESS
I don't know how to make a friggin' caramel frappe cappuccino cinnamon sprinkle half milk half cream double latte.
SCHMIDT
But I bet if Nick had the superior taste buds I have, instead of drinking any old swill at all, you'd learn how to make it for him, wouldn't you?
JESS
(blushes)
No! Now you're just being silly.
NICK
I don't drink swill.
He takes another drink of the coffee and makes a face again. Nick goes to sit next to Jess but Schmidt jumps into the chair first. Nick sits opposite them.
NICK
Whatever.
(to Schmidt)
Don't you have to be at work?
JESS
Yeah.
(sing song voice)
Working man. Working for the man.
(normal voice)
Or women in your case.
Nick laughs as Schmidt scowls.
SCMIDT
Don't you two have to be at work as well?
JESS
They switched my class to Wednesday.
(sing song voice)
I am free all day!
NICK
Today's my day off from the bar.
JESS
Cool. We should do something.
NICK
Sure.
SCHMIDT
No, no, no! Not cool. That's it! New loft rule. You two can't be any closer than two feet to each other all day today.
JESS AND NICK
What!
JESS
Are you crazy?
NICK
Told you he was when you first moved in.
SCHMIDT
For one day, just one day. What? Think you can't do it? Can't last a day without a hug, or a pat on the back or…god forbid…another kiss?
Nick is up for the challenge
NICK
I can do it. No sweat. With my eyes closed.
(closes eyes, opens them)
There. See, I did it already.
JESS
Oh, yeah, Miller? So can I.
NICK
Good. Then it's on.
JESS
It's on and, and…it's on!
Schmidt grins. Then looks at his watch, his grin falls.
SCHMIDT
Where's Winston? He should be home by now!
Jess and Nick look at each other, both roll their eyes. Nick snorts.
NICK
It's true.
JESS
(to Schmidt)
We knew it. You and Winston have been babysitting us!
SCHMIDT
(surprised)
What? No. What?
NICK
Since you two both found out we kissed there has hardly been a moment when one of you wasn't with us when we are together. Or even alone!
FLASH BACK –
INT. LOFT, SHOWER
Nick's in the shower. Winston opens the curtain and looks around.
NICK
(shocked, angry)
What the hell you doing!?
WINSTON
Just checking.
(turns and yells)
FALSE ALARM! SHE'S NOT HERE SCHMIDT.
ROLL OPENING CREDITS AND THEME SONG
INT. LOFT LIVING ROOM – DAY
The door opens and Winston comes in, wearing suit, tie undone, looking exhausted. Schmidt runs to him.
SCHMIDT
(whispering fiercely)
You're late! Your shift started ten minutes ago!
WINSTON
(tired)
Traffic.
SCHMIDT
Two foot rule.
WINSTON
What?
SCHMIDT
Don't let them get any closer than two feet…all day.
WINSTON
Are you nuts?
Nick and Jess enter the scene with their drinks in hand.
NICK
He is.
Jess is standing right next to him. Schmidt growls and points to them.
SCHIMIDT
Two foot rule!
Nick sighs and steps away from Jess. Schmidt looks at his watch, seems like he is about to say something else, then runs out the door. Jess and Nick look at Winston.
JESS
I thought you were better than Schmidt, Winston Bishop. You've been babysitting us, haven't you?
WINSTON
(tired, resigned)
I have, Jess. I just…I just don't want to lose my two roommates. And friends.
They say nothing, all three look at each other with looks of caring. Then Winston starts to head for his room, stops and turns.
WINSTON
I'm tired of all this. Just…I don't know. Do what you want to do. Screw Schmidt and his stupid rule. Rules. You're both grown ups. Most of the time.
NICK
Thanks, man.
JESS
Thanks for saying that.
He smiles and goes to his room. Nick sits on the sofa and Jess sits also, making sure she is two feet or more away. Silence as they think on what Winston said. They sip their drinks, Nick makes the face again.
JESS
You don't have to drink it.
NICK
I want to.
She smiles at him, then makes a puzzled face.
JESS
Two foot rule?
NICK
We can do it. It's just one day. No problem. At least I know I can do it. You…no way.
She takes offense at this.
JESS
All right then, Miller. But I bet you crack first. You won't be able to resist touching me!
NICK
Not a chance. You'll be the one who cracks! You'll find some excuse to bump me or touch my arm or hug me or high five me or something!
JESS
What if you're choking and I have to do the Heimlich on you?
NICK
That…that doesn't count. Saving a person's life doesn't count. The Heimlich, or CPR, or mouth to mouth.
JESS
(intrigued)
Mouth to mouth?
NICK
I mean…saving you…if I have to do mouth to mouth…that doesn't count. But everything else does.
JESS
Okay.
(she gives him a mischievous look)
What are the stakes?
NICK
What? There's steak?
JESS
(fake 1940s tough guy voice)
Stakes. The bet. The ante. Your money on the table or you don't see the cards, pal.
Nick shrugs.
NICK
I don't know. Loser has to buy the other one dinner?
JESS
You're on!
NICK
You're on!
Jess stands and Nick does, too.
JESS
(shouting)
Before this day is done Miller, you and I will be eating in the fanciest restaurant in town. And you'll be picking up the check!
NICK
(shouting)
Be prepared to shell out big time Jessica when you lose, cause I'm going to eat my way through the whole menu!
JESS
I'll eat you under the table! You'll have to take out a bank loan to pay the bill!
WINSTON
SHUT UP!
He is in the hallway in just his underwear.
WINSTON
That's it. You two have got to go! Leave the apartment! Now! I am interviewing Peyton Manning tonight! I need to sleep!
NICK AND JESS
Sorry.
Winston growls and goes back to bed.
Nick and Jess look at each other.
NICK
(whispering)
Want to go to the park?
JESS
(whispering)
Sure. Let me get dressed.
She grins, and goes to her room. He looks at the coffee cup, goes to the kitchen and is about to dump it down the sink but stops.
NICK
(to himself)
She made me coffee.
He grins, takes another sip, makes that disgusted face again, and dumps it.
NICK
(to himself)
I like her a lot, but not that much.
INT. SCHMIDT'S OFFICE – DAY
Schmidt's at his cubicle, working at his computer. He looks at his watch, worried, and takes out his cellphone, hits buttons, waits.
SCHMIDT
Winston! Where are they? What are they doing?
INT. LOFT, WINSTON'S ROOM – DAY
Winston is in bed with his cellphone to his ear, still very sleepy.
WINSTON
(groggy voice)
All is well. Go back to work.
(pause)
No, I'm not sleeping.
INT. SCHMIDT'S OFFICE – Day
Schmidt is angry now.
SCHMIDT
It's 4PM! Time to wake up! You'd promise to keep an eye on them! Where are they?
INT. LOFT, WINSTON'S ROOM – DAY
WINSTON
Ah, right here. I mean, not right here now with me. Jess is taking a shower and Nick is, he's, in his room…writing.
He winces after he says it, knowing it's a lie Schmidt won't believe.
INT. SCHMIDT'S OFFICE – DAY
SCHMIDT
Come on, Winston! Nick! Writing? On his day off? You lost them, didn't you? Where are they?
INT. LOFT, WINSTON'S ROOM – DAY
WINSTON
Nick sent me a text. They went to the park…just after you left I guess.
INT. SCHMIDT'S OFFICE - DAY
SCHMIDT
The park? Seven hours ago? Unbelievable. They could be in Las Vegas getting married by now! Don't you want them to stay just roommates?!
INT. LOFT, WINSTON'S ROOM – DAY
WINSTON
Man, maybe there is nothing we can do about it. Know what I mean? You see the way they are around each other. Maybe it's meant to be. Maybe we should just let it happen.
He pulls the phone away from his ear as Schmidt screams on the other end. Winston hangs up.
WINSTON
(to himself)
Crazy man. I need my beauty sleep.
Then he hears a door opening and laughter, and Nick and Jess' voices.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM – DAY
Winston comes down the hall, dressed in gym pants and t-shirt. Nick and Jess are sitting on the sofa. Nick has a hat shaped like a turtle on his head, and Jess has one like a tiger.
NICK
Hey, man. You missed a great day.
WINSTON
Uhuh. You know I'm on vampire hours. What'd you get up to?
He sits between them.
JESS
We went to the park, and then roller skating, and to the zoo. We had a blast.
WINSTON
(sleepy)
Yeah. So glad you two crazy kids had fun.
NICK
And we didn't break the two foot rule, so no worries.
JESS
But it was close a few times.
RECAP OF NICK AND JESS' DAY
EXT. PARK – DAY
Jess and Nick stand together as an Old Woman tries to take their picture with Jess' cellphone, but they are standing two feet apart.
OLD WOMAN
Get closer.
NICK
We can't touch or one of us has to buy dinner.
OLD WOMAN
What?
JESS
It's like a bet, except…we both lose in some way…I guess.
Nick looks at her.
NICK
What do you mean?
JESS
Nothing. Come on, let's take a picture.
OLD WOMAN
But you make such a cute couple. Come on, put your arm around her.
JESS
(grinning)
Yeah, Nick. Put your arm around me.
NICK
(shaking his head)
Not a chance, wise girl. I know what you're up to.
(to woman)
Just take the picture.
OLD WOMAN
(to Jess)
I'd dump him if I were you.
She snaps the picture and hands Jess back her cellphone.
JESS AND NICK
Thanks. Thank you.
The Old Woman leaves. Jess looks at the picture.
JESS
Ahhh. That's cute.
NICK
Show me.
JESS
Come here. I don't mind if you look over my shoulder.
Nick shakes his head.
NICK
No…just hold it up and show me. Or I know, send it to my cellphone.
JESS
(mock surprise)
Your old phone can show pictures?
NICK
Sometimes. Just show me it already.
She turns her phone to him and he looks. In the picture they are both standing apart and we can only see half their bodies in the picture.
EXT. OUTDOOR ROLLER SKATING RINK - DAY
Jess and Nick skate around, but far apart, Nick behind Jess. Suddenly Jess starts to lose her balance and looks like she is going to fall. Nick's face looks worried and he skates up behind her.
NICK
Jess!
JESS
HELP ME!
She starts to go down and it looks like he will catch her but at the last second he pulls his arms away and she lands on her behind with a thump.
JESS
OWWWWW!
NICK
(concerned)
Are you okay?
JESS
(mad)
No, I'm not okay! I can't believe you let me fall!
NICK
I can't believe I almost fell for your trick. You are a sneaky one!
He skates away.
JESS
(shouting)
It wasn't a trick!
She tries to get up. And falls again.
JESS
Owwwww. Nick, help me!
Nick looks at her, skates backwards and shakes his head and wags his finger 'no, no, no', and then falls down on his ass himself. Jess cracks up laughing.
EXT. ZOO – DAY
Jess and Nick stand by the gorilla pit. He has on the turtle hat and she has on the tiger hat.
NICK
(concerned)
How's your ass?
JESS
(making a face)
Sore. How's yours?
NICK
(making a face)
Sore, too.
JESS
But you could have saved me! That was an emergency!
NICK
Not in the rules we stipulated. Sorry, falling on your behind was not declared an emergency.
JESS
It is now.
NICK
Sorry.
They are silent. Nick edges a bit closer to her. Jess looks at him.
JESS
Two foot rule.
Nick sighs and steps back a bit and then he cracks.
NICK
No. No more rules. Why should we follow Schmidt's dumbass rules? We should do what we want to do. Like Winston said, we're grown ups, Jess.
JESS
Most of the time.
Then it seems as if understanding dawns on her.
JESS
Are you saying you want to break the two foot rule?
NICK
(serious)
Jess…that kiss…I didn't mean for it to hurt you. I didn't mean it to cause you to break up with Sam and cause all this weirdness. But I told you I don't regret it and I don't…and I think about it all the time since it happened. I can't stop thinking about it. Every day.
Jess' eyes get all moist.
JESS
(emotional)
I can't stop thinking about it, either.
They lean in for a kiss but both stop short, lips close, still leaning as they argue.
JESS
I'm waiting, Nick. Kiss me.
NICK
You kiss me. I did it first last time.
JESS
(voice rising)
You're the man! You're supposed to kiss me, damn it, Miller!
NICK
(voice rising)
I thought you were a strong independent woman, Jessica! You kiss me first this time!
JESS
(mad)
I don't care about the bet! We'll split the cost of dinner. Just kiss me, Miller!
NICK
OKAY!
JESS
FINE!
And then they kiss, long, slow, and passionate. Nick's turtle hat falls off and falls into the gorilla pit. After they come up for air, Nick hugs her and she leans her head on his chest.
JESS
(softly)
Now what do we do?
NICK
We owe each other a dinner I guess. Let's go on a real date.
Jess looks up at him, kisses him quickly.
JESS
Sounds great. I know this Indian place Cece and I ate at once.
(puzzled)
Where's your hat?
Nick looks around and they see the gorilla has picked up the turtle hat and is wearing it.
NICK
(mad)
That's my turtle hat, you dumb gorilla!
He starts to climb the fence to get into the pit.
JESS
Nick! Are you crazy? It's just a hat!
NICK
(to gorilla)
Jess bought me that hat! Give it back!
He still tries to climb the fence but Jess pulls him back.
JESS
I'll get you a new one!
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM – DAY
NICK
And she did. I love turtles.
He takes off the hat, admires it and puts it back on.
WINSTON
So…that's all that happened? Park, rink, zoo. No touching. No holding hands, or touching shoulders, or hugging, or …anything?
JESS
Nope. Nothing. Just like we told you. Nothing happened. Right, Nick?
NICK
(gulping)
Nothing.
A sheen of sweat is on Nick's face. Winston smiles.
WINSTON
(to Nick)
Show me your back.
JESS
Nick! Come on!
Nick cracks.
NICK
It was just a kiss…one kiss!
JESS
And a hug.
NICK
And a hug. And some hand holding after…but that was all!
WINSTON
Uhuh. So…who touched who first?
JESS
It was sort of at the same time…so…no one won the bet.
WINSTON
Bet?
NICK
Loser has to take the other one out for dinner. So we both lost so…
JESS
We're going to dinner. Tonight. It's our only free time off together.
WINSTON
You best not let Schmidt hear about this. Now if you too crazy kids will excuse me, I have to get a shower and get ready to record my interview with Peyton Manning at 7 o'clock.
NICK
Tell him from me he sucks!
Winston laughs and exits down the hall.
JESS
(puzzled)
Why does he suck?
NICK
Cause his team beat the Bears in the Superbowl a few years ago.
JESS
The Chicago Bears…right?
Nick rolls his eyes.
JESS
Don't roll your eyes at me Miller! Not after you sucked my face this afternoon!
NICK
Sorry, you're right, Jess. I forgot you're not a sports person.
JESS
I like sports. Figure skating. Ballroom dancing. I just don't obsess over them like you guys do.
Nick moves over on the sofa towards her. She grins.
JESS
What are you doing?
NICK
I'm still thinking about that kiss.
JESS
(smiles)
Which one?
NICK
Both of them.
He starts to lean in again but they hear the key in the door lock and spring apart just as Schmidt comes in.
Schmidt stares at Jess, then at Nick, and back to Jess.
JESS
Still two feet or more apart.
NICK
Yup. All day. You're home early.
SCHMIDT
Winston was sleeping all day and he said you two went out to the park.
JESS
And the roller rink.
NICK
And the zoo.
SCHMIDT
(to Nick)
And nothing happened?
Nick stands.
NICK
Toilet!
He walks sideways so his back is away from Schmidt. Schmidt tries to see his back but Nick avoids him and moonwalks back down the hall to the bathroom
SCHMIDT
I know you're lying, sweatback!
NICK
Not sweating!
JESS
(mad)
Just leave him be! What's your problem anyway?
Schmidt shakes his head.
SCHMIDT
Fine, Jessica Day. I'll leave you and sweatback be.
He sits nearby her.
SCHMIDT
Just tell me this. Who is going to move out when all this blows up in your faces?
JESS
(mad)
There is nothing to blow up! And I'd just like to remind you that I was fine with you sleeping with my best friend!
SCHMIDT
Fine? Are you kidding? You hated it.
JESS
At first. Then it was fine. And then you had to go and screw it all up and now she's going to end up marrying a guy she doesn't love just so she's not an old maid living alone with a bunch of cats.
SCHMIDT
Cece hates cats.
JESS
You know what I mean.
SCHMIDT
(sighing)
She won't take me back, Jess. I've tried everything.
JESS
(softly)
Try harder. I know she still cares about you.
SCHMIDT
I will. Thanks. Now, about you and Nick…
Jess thinks he is going to say its okay
JESS
Yes…?
SCHMIDT
I'm sorry, but I still can't sanction it.
JESS
(very angry)
I have a two foot rule too, Schmidt! I don't sit closer than two feet to jerkwads, jerkwad!
She gets up and heads to her bedroom and slams the door.
SCHMIDT
(sad)
It's all falling apart.
He takes out his cellphone, presses buttons.
SCHMIDT
(angry)
Voice mail! I hate voice mail!
(sweet)
Hi, Cece? Call me. I need you…to help me keep Jess and Nick apart. Bye.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
It's later and Schmidt is now dressed casual style. He is sitting on the sofa, TV remote in hand, flipping through channels. He looks over at the hallway, glances back and forth, a suspicious look on his face.
INT. LOFT, NICK'S ROOM – NIGHT
Nick is getting dressed, Winston is standing nearby, dressed in a suit.
WINSTON
(excited)
I can't believe I get to talk to Mr. Quarterback.
NICK
Don't call him that. You know I hate him.
WINSTON
Let it go, man. I know it hurts. I'm from Chicago, I'm a Bears fan, too. But we have to let it go.
NICK
Sorry, I can't. You know me. I hold sports grudges!
Nick is trying to put on a tie.
WINSTON
What are you doing?
NICK
Putting on a tie. Trying to look nice.
WINSTON
Schmidt is camped out there like a watchdog! If he sees you with a tie on he'll know something is up.
NICK
Yeah? Yeah. What's his problem anyway? I mean, you're cool with me and Jess…I mean…with what's…you know.
WINSTON
No, I don't know. What is happening with you and Jess?
NICK
(sighs)
I don't know either. We drive each other crazy, and not in a good way, but I just…I can't explain…it's just…something about her.
WINSTON
Why did you kiss her that night?
NICK
Can I tell you a secret?
WINSTON
Sure. My back doesn't sweat when I have a secret.
NICK
I've been thinking about kissing her for a while now. Just…I controlled myself, cause we're roommates. And we were both seeing other people. But that night I just couldn't help it anymore.
Winston smiles.
WINSTON
You've got it bad man.
NICK
I think I do. Hey, you're being really cool. Thanks, man.
He puts on a brown blazer.
NICK
Too much?
WINSTON
Naw. Looks good. Now remember, you've got to be cool. You got a call. You have to work at the bar cause someone got sick. Okay?
NICK
Right. Be cool. Be cool. No sweating. Damn, I feel my back getting wet already!
Winston grabs the front of his blazer.
WINSTON
Do it, man, do it…be cool…for her.
Nick calms down.
NICK
Right. Right. For her.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Nick and Winston come out of his room, Schmidt eyeing them, puzzled at Nick wearing a blazer.
SCHMIDT
Where are you going?
WINSTON
To work.
SCHMIDT
Not you, him!
NICK
(cool)
Bar called. They need me to work. Someone called in sick.
SCHMIDT
Oh. Okay. Have a good one.
Schmidt turns back to the TV. Winston and Nick look at each other, shrug and then Nick is out the door, with Winston mouthing 'good luck' to him.
WINSTON
All right, my man, I'm off.
SCHMIDT
Don't forget to ask Peyton if he's jealous of his brother winning two Superbowl rings while he only has one.
WINSTON
I am not asking him if he's jealous of his brother. The questions are all written down for me anyway.
Just then Jess comes out of her room, dressed in a nice dress and dark tights and wearing heels. Schmidt's suspicion radar comes on full.
SCHMIDT
Jess…hot date?
JESS
(flustered)
No. Just meeting Cece…no big deal…you know…girl talk…few drinks.
SCHMIDT
At Nick's bar?
JESS
No…no, somewhere else. Hey, stop with the third degree, pal. Are you planning on stalking Cece tonight or something?
SCHMIDT
(flustered)
No, no. Have fun. I don't care.
JESS
Okay…Bye.
WINSTON AND SCHMIDT
Bye. See you.
She leaves.
EXT. LOFT BUILDING – NIGHT
Nick is standing by the entranceway as Jess comes out. He looks her up and down.
NICK
Vavavoom! Hey, pretty lady.
JESS
(street walker voice)
Hey, sailor, looking for a date?
NICK
(grinning)
Sorry, lady, already got one.
JESS
What's she like?
NICK
She's a teacher from Portland who is small in stature but not in spunk, is a super annoying know it all, and sings way too much. But she has a heart of gold, the kindest big bright blue eyes, and a nice smile.
JESS
(smiling)
Sounds like a winner.
NICK
She is. How about you? Got a date?
JESS
Sure do. He's a turtle-faced writer slash bartender from Chicago who always looks like he never shaves and sighs over everything and can't lie for his life. He wears old man clothes and is grumpy more often than not. But he's always there for you when you need him, is loyal to a fault to his friends, and knows how to make a mean Old Fashioned.
NICK
(grinning)
Sounds like a winner.
JESS
He is.
He reaches out a hand and she reaches as well and then they hold hands and start walking.
NICK
Your car or mine?
JESS
Sorry, Nick, but your car is two loose bolts away from dying.
NICK
Right. Your car.
JESS
We'll have to scare the cats away first.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
WINSTON
All right. I'm gone. Later.
He opens the door and leaves.
SCHMIDT
(sad)
All alone.
He looks down at his crotch.
SCHMIDT
All alone…I should…no, save it for the ladies.
His cellphone rings and he answers
SCHMIDT
Cece, just thinking about you. What up girl? What's that noise?
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT
A noisy restaurant with waiters and hosts in traditional Indian garb. Cece is standing near a table full of Indian people including the guy she is arranged to marry.
CECE
I'm at a restaurant with Shivrang's family. Meeting more relatives!
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
SCHMIDT
You're at a restaurant? Right now? Is Jess meeting you?
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
CECE
What? Jess? No…I'm doing this family thing. Why did you leave me a message earlier? What's this about Nick and Jess?
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Understanding dawns on SCHMIDT
SCHMIDT
They're on a date! I have to stop them!
He hangs up and runs around, grabbing his coat and his keys and then he is out the door.
EXT. LOFT BUILDING – NIGHT
Schmidt runs out into the street just as Jess and Nick pass him in Jess' car with Nick driving. But they don't see him.
SCHMIDT
I knew it! Why, Nick, why? Why are you ruining a perfectly good thing?
He sees Winston driving by on the street.
SCHMIDT
WINSTON! STOP!
He runs out in front of Winston's car and Winston just slams the brakes on in time. He gets out of the car, super pissed.
WINSTON
Are you out of your mind? I could have killed you!
SCHMIDT
They're on a date! We have to stop them!
WINSTON
No, no, no! You're on your own, man. I'm through with the babysitting and the spying and the lying!
SCHMIDT
Oh, so you want to have to find a new roommate? Someone worse than Nick or Jess?
WINSTON
I know what we should do. You should move…that's the best answer. You don't want them dating under your nose? Fine. Move. Go away.
SCHMIDT
If I move and then they fall apart, you'll be all alone when Nick losses it again.
WINSTON
Why do you keep saying they will fall apart? Maybe they won't.
SCHMIDT
(scoffing)
Come on! You know Nick! He's a serial monogamist! He latches onto these girls and then he thinks he is in love and then something happens and he turns into a bearded drunken loft troll for six months! You missed it with Caroline because you were in Latvia, but you've been there before. Do you want to go through that again!?
WINSTON
No. Just…this time I think it's different.
SCHMIDT
When has it ever been different?
WINSTON
(resigned)
Never.
SCHMIDT
Are you with me or not?
WINSTON
Why do you care so much?
SCHMIDT
Nick is my best friend. I don't want to see him get hurt again. And Jess…Jess…
Something dawns on Winston.
WINSTON
I get it now. She's your connection to Cece. If she goes, Cece goes. This is all about you and your penis again, isn't it? If you get between her and Nick, do you think she's going to put in a good word for you with her best friend? Hell no!
SCHMIDT
Let me worry about that. Are you with me or not?
WINSTON
(sighs)
Nick said they went to this Indian restaurant Cece took Jess to once.
SCHMIDT
(surprised)
I know that place. She took me there, too. Cece's also in a restaurant now. I bet Cece's there! I can kill two birds with one stone, my brother! I get to stalk Cece and stop Nick and Jess from making a horrible mistake!
WINSTON
You are crazy. And don't call me brother.
Schmidt gets in Winston's car. Winston jumps in after him.
WINSTON
What are you doing? I'm going to work now! Get out!
SCHMIDT
Just drop me off. You'll still have time to do the interview.
Winston starts driving. He is fuming!
WINSTON
If I screw up this interview, know this. You will die Schmidt!
SCHMIDT
If we don't stop Nick and Jess from making a huge mistake, we'll all die Winston. The loft dynamic dies. Hit it!
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT
There is a long line of people waiting to get seated. Nick and Jess come in the door, laughing about something but the smiles die on their faces as they see the line up.
JESS
Oh, man. They are (sings) busyyyy.
NICK
Yeah. Maybe we should go somewhere else.
JESS
(sad)
But the food is really good here. Maybe the wait won't be that long.
Nick looks at her and then decides something.
NICK
(to himself, quiet)
Okay. Time to man up.
JESS
What?
NICK
I'll handle it.
He walks up to the host, a guy dressed in a traditional Indian outfit with a name tag that says "Dev" on it. Dev is talking to an elderly couple.
DEV
Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, reservation for two, 6:30. Oh, and happy birthday Mrs. Schwartz.
Another host takes them into the restaurant. Dev looks at Nick.
DEV
Yes, may I help you?
NICK
Hey,…
(looks at his name tag)
…Dev. You got a reservation for Mr. and Mrs. Miller at 6:30?
Dev looks at his reservations book.
DEV
No, sorry. Please wait in line and maybe something will open in an hour or two.
NICK
An hour or two? Come on, pal. It's the wife's birthday and I'm trying to impress her.
DEV
Then you should have made a reservation.
Nick sighs.
NICK
Okay. I get it.
He pulls out a bill and tries to secretly hand it to Dev.
NICK
Can you help a guy out?
Dev looks at the bill.
DEV
That's one dollar. I couldn't help out even Gandhi himself for one dollar.
Nick pulls out another bill.
NICK
Okay, but two bucks is as high as I can go and still afford to eat here.
DEV
Go away silly man.
(to line up)
Who is next, please?
Meanwhile back to Jess. She is looking at Nick and Dev when her phone rings. She answers it.
JESS
Cece. Hi…what's that noise?
CECE
I'm in a restaurant.
JESS
Me, too. With Nick. We're…kinda…
CECE
On a date? I know. Schmidt called me. He knows and he is going to sabotage you guys.
JESS
He'd better not or he'll have a broken penis again! Say…where are you?
CECE
That great Indian place we ate at once. Turns out Shivrang's uncle owns it.
JESS
I'm here, too!
CECE
What? Where?
JESS
By the door. We can't get in.
Jess looks up and sees Cece walking to where Nick is about to get thrown out by two big burly Indian men who have him by the arms.
NICK
(loud)
I thought you were a peaceful people!
He sees Cece.
NICK
Cece! Save me!
Jess and Cece converge on Nick.
JESS
(mad)
Let him go!
CECE
(to men)
It's okay, they're with me.
(to Dev)
Can't you get them a table?
DEV
And who are you?
Shivrang appears at Cece's side.
SHIVRANG
She's my fiancee. Get her friends a table. Now.
DEV
Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Mr. and Mrs. Miller, please follow me. Sorry for the confusion.
They let go of Nick.
NICK
Good thing I'm a peaceful man or there might have been trouble.
CECE
Mr. and Mrs. Miller?
NICK
(embarrassed)
Ah…I…Jess…
JESS
(grinning)
Come on…Mr. Miller, before you get hurt.
She takes his arm and they walk into the restaurant. Jess mouths "thank you" to Cece.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE INDIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Winston's car pulls up.
WINSTON
Here. Now, get out.
SCHMIDT
You did a great thing for the loft dynamics today Winston.
WINSTON
GET OUT!
SCHMIDT
Sure. Oh, can you get Peyton Manning's autograph for me? I'm a big fan.
WINSTON
I'm not meeting him in person. It's a phone interview. He's in Denver.
SCHMIDT
A phone interview? You can do that anytime. Come on. I need your support.
WINSTON
I can't do it anytime! And I need to be in the studio to record it! Now GET OUT!
SCHMIDT
Fine! But remember that when Nick turns into a weeping mess again, you're going to take turns holding his hand as well as me!
He exits the car and heads to the restaurant.
WINSTON
I live with a bunch of idiots!
His phone rings and he answers it.
WINSTON
Joe! Hey…yeah, I'm on my way now. Traffic, you know how it is….What? 9 o'clock? Sure, no problem. Hey, the man won the Superbowl. If he wants to change the interview time, who are we to say no? Am I right?...Yeah, all right. I'll be there in a bit.
Winston ends the call and looks at the restaurant. He seems about to drive away and then puts his forehead on the steering wheel, let's out a big sigh, and lifts his head.
WINSTON
What am I doing here? Nick has been my friend since we were kids. I've got to let the man have a chance at being happy. Schmidt's wrong! I gotta stop him!
He leaps out of the car and heads for the restaurant doors.
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Nick and Jess sit at a table close to each other with big menus in front of their faces.
NICK
(confused)
So many choices. What did you have last time you were here?
JESS
I don't know. Cece ordered. It's all good though.
Nick is looking at her in a romantic way. She blushes.
JESS
What?
NICK
This isn't weird,…is it?
JESS
(smiles)
No…it isn't. Feels…
NICK
Right.
JESS
Yeah.
SCHMIDT
(O.S)
No, it frickin' doesn't feel right!
They pull down their menus and Schmidt is sitting in a chair at their table opposite them.
NICK
(angry)
What are you doing here?
JESS
Yeah! Go away before you get a kick where you've been hurt before!
SCHMIDT
(hurt look)
What's with all the hate? Can't a friend join his loft mates for a nice bit of curry, tandoori chicken, naan, and rice, all washed down after with some nice masala tea?
JESS
You're not here to eat this fine cuisine! You're here to…to…
SCHMIDT
(fake puzzled look)
Here to…what, Jess? I mean, there is still two feet between you two. Well, almost. There is nothing else going on…is there? Nothing…weird?
He stares at Nick, leaning in close, looking for sweat.
NICK
(cool)
Nope. We're just eating dinner. It's nothing else. Two friends having a bite of chow.
JESS
What? I mean…yeah. Cece is busy with the family thing and Nick…Nick doesn't have to work after all so I called him and here he is.
NICK
That's right.
(to Schmidt)
Hey, how did you get in anyway? It's super busy.
SCHMIDT
Bribed Dev.
NICK
I tried that too and he wouldn't bite.
SCHMIDT
You need Benjamins, not Washingtons, in a place like this.
JESS
(incredulous)
You gave him a hundred dollars just to get in here to…to harass us?
SCHMIDT
Two hundred. And it was worth it. I know what's going on here.
(stares at Nick, shouts)
Give, sweatback! I know you two are on a date!
Just then Cece arrives with Shivrang behind her.
SHIVRANG
I know they are your friends but please do something.
CECE
I got it, don't worry.
She glares at Schmidt.
CECE
What are you doing here? I am with my future family over there and you're starting to make a scene!
SCHMIDT
I'm with my current family here and they are threatening the loft dynamic.
NICK
(loud)
That's it. I've had it. You're nuts! Certifiable!
JESS
(worried)
Nick…
NICK
No, Jess. I've got to say it.
He stands and glares at Schmidt.
NICK
Yes, we're on a date! So what! I asked her to have dinner with me! I wanted to spend time with Jess…alone! Just the two of us! So we can try to get to know each other in a different way. With no no-nail oaths or two foot rules or any of your crap! You're my friend Schmidt! You're supposed to support me! Not try to ruin things for me and for this woman who I care a lot more about than you right now!
Silence as many people are staring at them. Jess' eyes are moist again. She stands next to Nick, smiles at him, then her eyes turn hard, she snarls, Nick looks surprised, but she turns and picks up a full water glass and throws the water at Schmidt, full in the face.
He wipes his face with a napkin, trying to be cool.
SCHMIDT
Bitches be crazy!
JESS
RUINER!
Jess snarls in rage and leaps across the table at Schmidt before Nick can grab her. Schmidt stumbles over backwards in his chair as the two big Indian guys rush in and try to pick up Jess and mayhem breaks out.
CECE
Get off my friend!
NICK
Leave her alone!
JESS
I just want to claw his eyes out!
Dev enters the scene.
DEV
(controlled anger)
Get out all of you or I am calling the police!
Winston arrives next, looks at what is happening and his eyes get big.
WINSTON
Wait! No police ! EVERYBODY STOP!
They all stop, Jess in the arms of one of the big Indian guys, Nick pulling on his big arm, but having no success, Cece helping Schmidt up, glaring at him.
Winston points to Schmidt.
WINSTON
(official sounding)
This man is an escaped mental patient under my care. I am here to take him back to the California Institute for the Mentally Disturbed.
SCHMIDT
What? He's lying! I'm not crazy! He is!
DEV
(to Winston)
Who are you?
WINSTON
Who am I? Who am I?
NICK AND JESS
Oh, boy.
WINSTON
I am Theodore K. Mullins, doctor of psychiatry. And this man is my patient. He is a jealous ex-husband who can't stand to see his former husband Nick Miller with anyone else!
JESS
(to Nick)
What? You…You…I…I…knew there was something fishy about you in bed!
She fakes horror look at Nick.
NICK
What? NO! I like girls! I'm with you now!
Jess tries to suppress her laughter, can't quite.
SCHMIDT
(points to Winston)
He's the certifiable one!
WINSTON
You're coming with me. You two, big guys, drag him outside to my car if you would.
They look at Shivrang.
SHIVRANG
Do what the doctor says.
They grab Schmidt roughly, start to drag him away.
SCHMIDT
He's no doctor! Shiv…you know him! He's a washed up basketball player!
WINSTON
Watch your mouth or it's the anal probe for you tonight!
They drag a kicking, struggling Schmidt away.
SCHMIDT
Cece…save me!
Cece just rolls her eyes, looks at Shivrang.
CECE
Sorry.
SHIVRANG
I already knew your friends were crazy. Now I have real proof.
They exit.
Nick looks at Winston.
NICK
Thanks, man.
WINSTON
Yeah. You know this isn't over yet.
DEV
Please leave. All of you. Now.
JESS
But I'm still hungry.
NICK
I think there's a burger joint on the corner.
EXT. STREET, OUTSIDE INDIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Schmidt is yelling at the two big Indian guys as they head back in the restaurant.
SCHMIDT
Come on! One at a time! I can take you!
One guy turns to come back and Schmidt runs behind a car.
Nick, Jess, and Winston come out of the restaurant. Just then Winston screams. A tow truck is hauling Winston's car away.
WINSTON
What! My car! My car! Hey! Get back here!
He runs down the street and they follow him but its too late to stop the tow truck.
SCHMIDT
You parked next to a fire hydrant.
WINSTON
Oh, man! This can't be happening!
He turns in anger to Schmidt.
WINSTON
This is all your fault! Trying to sabotage their date!
SCHMIDT
I didn't tell you to park there!
WINSTON
I'm going to miss my interview now!
JESS
Come on. My car is over here. In a proper parking lot.
INT. JESS' CAR – NIGHT
An awkward silence. Nick is driving, Jess is in the passenger seat, Winston and Schmidt in the back seat. Jess looks over at Nick.
JESS
Did you mean it?
NICK
What?
JESS
What you said back there. About caring about me.
NICK
Yes. All of it.
She smiles, and slides over and puts her head on his shoulder. He kisses the top of her head. Schmidt rolls his eyes.
SCHMIDT
You two promised to stay two feet apart for one day. That day is not over yet.
Nick looks at him in the rearview mirror.
NICK
Let it go man. Just let it go.
WINSTON
Yeah. Or I will find a way to get you checked into a mental hospital. For real.
SCHMIDT
I'm not nuts. This is going to end badly.
Jess growls and turns to him.
JESS
Like with you and Cece? And who's fault was that?
SCHMIDT
Mine. All right! You want me to say it, Jessica! I screwed up big time. And now it's too late. She's marrying one of her own. Tell me true Jess, did I ever have a chance?
JESS
(soft)
Yes, you did. And…now it might be really too late. Sorry.
She turns around and sits again with her head on Nick's shoulder. There is a long silence in the car, each lost in their thoughts.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Schmidt and Jess and Nick enter. Schmidt heads for his bedroom
SCHMIDT
Night.
NICK
Hey. Listen, man. I'm sorry for what I said back at the restaurant. I know you're only looking out for me. But…I don't need you to. But thanks anyway.
SCHMIDT
Whatever. You kids don't stay up too late.
He goes to his room. Jess and Nick sit on the sofa, next to each other.
JESS
God, what a night.
NICK
We still didn't eat. I'm so hungry.
JESS
Pizza?
NICK
Maybe after.
JESS
(puzzled)
After what?
INT. LOFT, KITCHEN – MORNING
Schmidt is in one of his suits drinking coffee at the table, looking at his laptop. Winston enters.
SCHMIDT
How did it go?
WINSTON
You owe me fifty bucks for the towing charges and fifty for the parking fine.
SCHMIDT
What?...I guess it's my fault. All right. Here you are.
He opens his wallet and peels off a hundred dollar bill and hands it to Winston.
WINSTON
All right. Now we're cool.
SCHMIDT
By the way, my initial question was about the interview.
WINSTON
After all that, it was canceled. Switched to tonight.
SCHMIDT
Why?
WINSTON
He's a busy man.
(beat)
Say…where are Nick and Jess?
SCHMIDT
Take a good guess.
WINSTON
Really? You mean…did they?
SCHMIDT
Of course they did! Ruiners!
WINSTON
I mean, you have proof?
SCHMIDT
No. But…I mean…no, no proof. But I'll get some now.
He moves to the hall way with Winston following.
INT. LOFT, HALLWAY – MORNING
WINSTON
This is a bad idea man.
SCHMIDT
Of course it is. That's why I'm doing it.
He opens Nick's door without knocking.
SCHMIDT
Ah ha!
It's empty. He exits, turns to Jess' room. Winston blocks him.
WINSTON
Come on, man. You can't do this!
SCHMIDT
Out of the way!
WINSTON
NO!
They start to wrestle and then Jess' door opens and she is standing there in her pink robe.
JESS
(quiet, sad)
Morning.
She closes the door, walks past them and heads for the kitchen. Schmidt and Winston look puzzled. Then Schmidt leaps into her room before Winston can stop him.
INT. LOFT, JESS' ROOM – MORNING
No Nick. The room is like it usually is, and Nick's stuffed straw dummy scarecrow of himself is on a chair with the original canvas head. Schmidt looks in the closet, under the bed, everywhere.
INT. LOFT, HALLWAY – MORNING
Schmidt comes back out, shrugs, shakes his head. They head to the kitchen.
INT. LOFT, KITCHEN – MORNING
Jess is making herself some tea.
SCHMIDT
Where's Nick?
She shrugs.
JESS
Don't know. After you went to bed we had a bit of a fight. He might have gone for a walk this morning.
Schmidt grins a bit and it falls after Winston glares at him.
WINSTON
(concerned)
What happened?
JESS
I don't want to talk about it.
WINSTON
But…things are still cool. I mean…no one is leaving…right?
JESS
No one is leaving. I know I'm not. Nick said he wouldn't either. So…all is well. You got what you wanted, Schmidt.
She takes her tea and leaves the kitchen and heads to her room.
SCHMIDT
(sighs in relief)
Loft dynamic saved!
Winston just shakes his head in disgust. Schmidt looks at his watch.
SCHMIDT
I'm late!
He runs out the door, still smiling.
INT. LOFT, JESS' ROOM – MORNING
Winston enters the open door. Jess is sitting on her bed, sipping her tea.
WINSTON
Hey, Jess.
JESS
Hey. Is Schmidt gone?
WINSTON
Yeah. What happened? You two looked so happy together last night.
JESS
(sad)
I found out Nick doesn't have any brains.
WINSTON
(confused)
What?
Just then the scarecrow gets off the chair and makes a howling sound and comes at Winston.
WINSTON
AHHHHHHHHHH!
Winston punches it in the guts and inside Nick groans in pain.
JESS
Nick!
She rushes to his side, pulls off the canvas head off and there is Nick with straw in his hair and pain in his face.
WINSTON
What is going on in apartment 4D?
JESS
He was hiding from Schmidt! We heard you come home and we woke up and then realized it was too late for him to go to his room. And you couldn't keep Schmidt away from my door!
NICK
Owww, man. You punch hard!
WINSTON
Now you know to never scare a black man while wearing a silly costume. So…you two…something did happen?
Jess blushes and Nick shakes his head
NICK
What? No…not us.
WINSTON
Right. So you're wearing this silly thing cause you like scaring people. Jess just as well said you two crazy kids slept together and Nick got caught in here.
JESS
Well, we certainly weren't going to sleep in his bed.
NICK
Come on. It's not that bad!
WINSTON
Yes, it is.
NICK
Okay, so you know. Just don't tell Schmidt.
WINSTON
Why not?
NICK
He's happier not knowing.
JESS
Nick's idea, not mine.
WINSTON
Okay, I can dig it. But he will find out eventually.
NICK
Yeah, but it's going to be fun until he does!
JESS
(bit angry)
This is fun?! You got straw all over my bedroom. Out, the two of you! Out!
She pushes them out the door. Winston laughs and heads down to his room. Nick turns to his room.
JESS
Hey.
Nick turns back.
NICK
What?
JESS
Come here.
He stumbles over still dressed as the scare crow. She kisses him, nice and long and as romantic as it can be in such a situation. Just then they hear the front door open.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Schmidt enters.
SCHMIDT
(to himself)
Can't believe I forgot my frickin' laptop!
As he walks to the kitchen, behind him Jess is pushing scarecrow Nick to his room and then bends to pick up pieces of straw. Then she leaps back to her room just as Schmidt comes back into scene carrying his laptop.
He stops, puzzled look on his face, looks down the hall, shrugs, and leaves.
ROLL END CREDITS
INT. RADIO STUDIO
Winston has a head set on and is talking.
WINSTON
All right, we are back with Peyton Manning of the Denver Broncos, Superbowl champ and NFL MVP. Peyton, one of our listeners wants to know, are you jealous of your brother Eli or not?
PEYTON MANNING
(O.S.)
Jealous? Why would I be jealous? You mean because he won the big game one more time than I did? That's kind of a crass question, Winston.
WINSTON
Ah…like..sorry, man. But, come on…there must be some tension there when you guys get together…you know for Thanksgiving, for Christmas. I mean, he's your younger brother and he's had more success than you. Championship wise, I mean. Am I right?
Silence from the other end. Winston is getting worried.
WINSTON
Peyton? Peyton? Mr. Manning? Mr. Quarterback? Sir? Is the line dead? Can we get him back? What? He hung up? For real? Peyton? Come back, Peyton!
FADE OUT