Chapter 1: We're Really Going to Have to Replace the Guidebooks. They Forgot an Entire World.

Warning: Contains Piles of People/Equestrians, Mistaking of genders, Ugly dudes, very minimal Magnus Chase, A reference to the Chapter "You look great without a nose. Really."(Can you find it?), Turnips, Blitzen attempting to use a sword, a useful chainmail tie, a very confused and angry Aragorn, and Blitzen getting offended by racist remarks.

Now! I signed to Hearthstone, and he rolled away from the charging World Stag. He tumbled headfirst into a portal to one of the nine worlds, which one though, I had no idea. Without even thinking twice, I dove in after him. I landed on top of Hearthstone. Who was sprawled on top of Blitzen. Who was sprawled on top of a horse. That was crushing some dude. I quickly rolled off, Hearth and Blitz following my example.

"Who...who are you?" he asked, gasping for air. A trickle of blood ran from his mouth. I heard swords clanging and yelling nearby, but I ignored it, telling Blitzen and Hearthstone to guard me.

"Shh. I'm going to try to heal you," I said, placing my palm to his chest, but it was too late. I could feel his injuries when I touched him. He was all busted up inside. I tried anyways, feeling the buttery warmth fill my insides slowly and flow out through my fingertips. I was so preoccupied with attempting to heal him that I didn't notice my surroundings. The sounds of a massive battle registered around me, and Blitzen grabbed my shoulder. I looked up to find him staring in horror at the carnage around us. We were in the middle of a field. An epic looking white fortress castle city thing climbed a mountain nearby. It was under siege. And all around us, men were fighting these hideous things that reminded me of Loki's daughter Hel, except they were all bad-half. Only a few yards away from us, a guy in a helmet was dodging a creepy black robed dude's giant mace. He swung it around with crazy strength and the spiky ball missed the other dude's head by mere inches. The black-robed guy was wearing this really creepy black spiked helmet that opened up to where his eyes should have been, but there was only darkness. That's when I saw a glimpse of wavy blonde hair sticking out from the helmet of the guy dodging the blow and I realized that the guy was actually a gal. My bad.

Then I saw the dragon. It was the ugliest dragon you could ever imagine. It was also dead, unless it somehow could survive without a head.

"Where in Helheim are we?" was the only thing I could think to say. I thought my day couldn't get any weirder until I saw the giant elephants. I yelped rather un-Magnus-like, grabbing my friends and pulling them with me, running heroically away from the carnage. Blitz yelled, "Let's see, I can rule out Alfheim, Jotunheim, Asgard, Misgard, Muspellheim, Vanaheim, Niflheim, Helheim, and Nidavellir. That's all nine right?"

"Yeah, that's all nine. I think we might have accidently discovered a tenth world." I said, yelping again as one of the ugly things attacked me. I pulled out Jack and yelled, "Get 'em Jack!"

"On it! Which ones?"

"Only the ugly dudes!" I yelled, struggling to be heard over the sounds of battle.

"Got it!" Jack said, flying off and decapitating every ugly thing in the near vicinity, leaving several very startled guys with the ugly dudes they were fighting suddenly dead at their feet.

Jack returned to me. "Hey, if I try to kill all of them you'll definitely die. There's thousands of them."

"Thousands? Is this world going through their own Ragnarök or something?"

"Seems like it," Blitz yelled, dodging an stray arrow that came out of the fight.

"Should I use my staff or some Runes?" Hearth signed, and I shrugged, "Or I could try to pull off that stunt I did back in Valhalla and make everyone drop their weapons. That could get their attention at least. Stop the fighting, right?"

"Sure. But are you mad enough to..." Blitz started but was cut off by a horrible shrieking noise. I whirled around to see the woman with her helmet off, her sword stuck through the creepy dude's helmet, right where his face should have been. There was a whistling noise, a burst of air, the metal helmet crumpled in like paper, and the empty armor collapsed like a balloon that was out of air. The woman fell to the ground , clasping her arm, and crawled toward the man pinned under the horse. She had tears in her eyes and I realized he was probably her father. Suddenly, the only thing that mattered was saving this poor lady's father. After all, she had just defeated the big evil guy, it was the least she deserved. I hurried over to hear the man whispering, "Éowyn. My eyes darken."

"No. No. I'm going to save you." Éowyn said desperately.

"You already did... Éowyn. My body is broken. You have to let me go." the man said weakly, and I stepped forward, "Not if I have anything to say about it."

"You...You were the one who landed on me with your friends..." the man said weakly. "You..."

I rushed forward, realizing he had mere seconds to live and pulled the dead horse off of him with my enhanced einherjar strength. The woman stared at me as I placed my palm on his chest and put all my effort into healing him. His ribs clicked back into place, his lungs slowly re-inflated and his guts re-arranged themselves. Even his bruised skin returned to normal, and I fell over exhausted. Jack the sword floated over, and Hearth lifted me up gently.

"Well, I guess I'm just going to have to hang out until you are strong enough to hold me." Jack noted and the woman gasped. Then I passed out.

Hearthstone:

Hearth could not hear the battle raging about him, but he could feel the vibrations under his feet and smell the sharp tang of blood. He could see the carnage and bloodshed, and it was horrifying. Blitzen helped him lift Magnus and carry him toward the ruins of a fortress by a river. They stepped over and around dead horses and dismembered ugly creatures. What bothered him the most were the fallen men lying everywhere with revolting injuries that were far to gruesome to describe. What was worse was the fact that he knew this was not Valhalla. None of these men would be getting up the next morning, fresh and ready to battle again. However, he had a feeling that the majority of them would go to Valhalla...but if that were true, why had he not seen anyone dressed like these guys in the Hotel? He had stayed there with Magnus one time for two days (that was a terrible idea, people kept nearly killing him because they thought he was one of the einherjar) Magnus thought it would be terribly clever to write on a slip of paper: Live Elf: Handle with Care and pin it to his shirt. Blitzen nearly laughed his head off when he saw it.

They dodged several ugly creatures, stray arrows, and flying spears. They arrived at the first of the collapsing stone walls just as a boom shook the ground nearby. The third and fourth giant elephants had just fallen, smashing ugly things under its massive rump. Lovely.

What is with the giant elephants? Hearth signed. Well, actually, he signed, What, giant elephants?, but Blitzen got the point. He shrugged, No clue.

"I'm going to look around for a safe place to hide. You stay with Magnus," Blitzen said.

Why do I have to stay with Magnus? I can climb to safety better than you! Hearth protested.

"You're the only one with the capability to defend him. All I have is my patented chainmail tie and a Hotel Valhalla sword that I don't know how to use.." His friend sighed.

Hearth grinned, You got it patented? Why didn't you tell me?

"No, just hopeful thinking. Please don't mention it," his friend said glumly, and then his face brightened, "But my shop has turned out to be a wonderful enterprise!"

His friend raced off into the maze of stone walls, and a few minutes later, Hearthstone realized something terrible. Blitzen had not been wearing his usual sun-protection gear because they had recently been going in between Nidavellir and Vanaheim on valiant quests to get Blitzen's mother more ridiculous cat jewelry. (Oh joy)

He pulled Sam's old Hijab out of his pocket (she had insisted that he take in case of emergency) and draped it over Magnus, hoping that a stray arrow wouldn't hit him. The elf then raced off to get Blitzen back into the safety of the shadows.

Blitzen:

Blitzen fiddled with the tacky chain loop on his belt that was actually a Hotel Valhalla bone-steel sword hidden under the glamour. Not that it would do him much good if he had to use it. He would probably just cut his own nose off and whoever/whatever was trying to kill him would get a good laugh before they finished him off.

He ducked out of sight as an ugly thing went past, and scurried along in the shadows. He came to a large open space by the river, where a large group of the hideous creatures in scrap-metal armor were gathered. They were watching a boat with grey sails approach. He hoped it was not backup...

Sadly, it was. Some sort of leader, with a flatter face than most of them, grunted out, "Late, as usual! Pirate scum! There's work that needs doing."

The one who had spoken reminded him of a turnip, oddly enough.

There was no answer from the ships. They appeared to be abandoned. What had happened to their backup?

"Come on, ya sea rats! Get out of your ships!" the turnip thing whined.

There was no answer still, and then a rugged man in old-fashioned clothing and a cloak jumped casually over the railing and landed on the dock. He had a sword in his hands. A small short guy with an axe that was obviously a dwarf who hit the dock with a thump. Then strange elf with a slender bow landed gracefully on the dock as well. The three looked smugly at the ugly creatures.

The ugly creature that looked like a turnip looked like he wanted to laugh. His expression clearly read: Seriously? That's it? You're going to take on an army with three people? You have got to be kidding me...

He had to admit, they were extremely brave to challenge the ugly things, unless the boats had more people in them. But even with all three boats stuffed to the brim, it would not be enough to defeat the army waiting for them. Forget brave, these guys were nuts. They didn't stand a chance! Blitzen pulled off the chain, the glamour vanishing to reveal a bone-steel sword. He waited tensely, knowing that the chaos of battle might bring a few ugly things to where he was hiding behind a wall.

The dwarf grunted, "There are plenty for the both of us! May the best Dwarf win!"

Blitzen held back a snort, the dwarf was making a joke, even though he probably knew he was about to die. The elf smirked and then the man hefted his gleaming sword and charged alone at the army of hideous creatures. The creatures just smirked and stayed where they were. But then the tables turned. The man yelled in defiance and to Blitzen's surprise, thousands of glowing green ghost appeared behind him, charging into battle alongside him. The creatures panicked, attempting to flee as the ghosts spread out. The creatures' blades passed straight through the ghosts, but the ghosts easily sliced and diced the creatures. He yelped as a green ghost came up behind him and took off running. To his dismay, he ended up in the middle of the chaos.

He yelled what he hoped sounded like a battle cry, and not a pathetic whimper, and attempted to stab an ugly thing, but was beaten to it by a green ghost. The ghost then turned his blade onto Blitzen. Blitzen raised his sword just in time to block a strike meant to cleave him in two. The ghost looked surprise he could make contact, and then ten or twelve of the green ghosts turned to him and charged. Pure adrenaline filled his blood. He was not going to die today in a battle he wasn't even supposed to be in. He found strength where he didn't know any existed, and skill where there was none. The first three ghosts lost their heads before they could even blink (do ghosts blink) and another got a sword through his ghostly gut.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the man rushing toward him angrily, the ghosts parting for him, and then a green ghost blade found an opening in his defense. The blade would have chopped off his head, if not for his chainmail tie. He would have jumped for joy if he wasn't in so much pain. It worked!

He collapsed to the ground, grinning madly even though he was gasping for air. The ghosts could have finished him off right then and there, but they floated back, letting the man approach him with his gleaming blade.

The man pressed the wicked sharp point into his chest and he fell still. Yikes. Well, at least he still had his sword in his hand right? Maybe if he attempted to kill some more ghosts before going out he'd end up in Valhalla with Magnus? He doubted it though. There were no Valkyries here to take anyone to Valhalla.

He coughed as the man flicked up his chainmail tie with the point of his sword. The man let out a hmph, and let his invention flop back down to his chest. The man's eyes were steely and piercing, and his expression was puzzled. He looked suspicious, but it did not appear that the man was going to kill him, at least not yet.

He pressed the tip of his blade a little harder into the skin right about his fiercely beating heart and demanded, "Who are you?"

Blitzen would've answered if he hadn't still been coughing and choking from the hit to his windpipe. Apparently the guy didn't realize that or didn't care, because he just dug the blade in harder. Blitzen winced, and managed to cough out, "OW!"

"Who are you?" the man demanded harshly. "How is it that your blade harms the dead?"

That one was fairly easy to answer. Bone-steel was meant for killing monsters of all sorts.

"Bone-steel" he rasped.

"Explain." the man demanded, lessening the pressure on Blitzen's skin. When Blitzen didn't answer immediately, a snide voice called out, "Answer him, traitorous dark-skin!"

Blitzen was taken aback. Did that elf seriously just call him a dark-skin? Was he crazy? He wanted to slap that elf for being racist.

"Excuse me?!" he rasped, " I'm a dwarf you racist bastard!"

The elf staggered back at the insult and Blitzen was about to congratulate himself when the man decided he was through with him, and raised his sword to kill him.