Disclaimer:
I don't own the song "Breaking The Habit" by Linkin Park, nor do I own Yu Yu Hakusho.Warning(s):
Graphic description of cutting, and character death. I'm in a very morbid mood, so don't be surprised if I make Yusuke seem crazy. If you think Yusuke seems crazy, try coming face to face with me. Read on if you dare, but if I get flamed from your stupidity in not reading the warnings, I'm not going to be a very happy person.This should've been written awhile ago, but it got done eventually, right? This is dedicated to my good friend, YukiAngel28. I hope you like it. The reason it's starring Yusuke is because I'm attempting to do something new, and the only other person this would fit is Kurama, and I don't feel like writing about him at the moment. I'd do Hiei, but I've read a fic like this about Hiei, and I don't want to copy it. Enjoy, and please review.
'thoughts'
--lyrics--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wind rushed through the streets, entering the apartment where Keiko lay asleep, and I lay also…wide awake. I shivered slightly, rubbing one hand against my upper arm to keep warm. The roughness of my skin constantly reminded me of the pain I've been put through, and the battles I've fought in. And while I tried to go back to sleep, I couldn't, because anytime I attempted to, so many memories of so many fights would pop up, making it impossible.
--Memories consume, like opening the wounds
I'm picking me apart again--
Eventually, sleep did overtake me, and I got up to start my day. Keiko had already left to work alongside her parents at their Ramen Shop. Usually, she would wait for me, but I suppose I didn't wake up in time to go with her. Glancing at the clock, I saw that it was already eleven AM, though it didn't appear that way, because it was still dark, and raining outside. I sighed, and sat up, opening the night table drawer, and grabbing the small scissors from within. I handled them gently, and then, I opened them, allowing them to softly graze the skin on my forearm.
'No one knows…none of them pay much attention to me anyway, so a few more cuts will go unnoticed by them…right?'
--You all assume I'm safe here in my room,
Unless I try to start again--
But then, I realized that I was in more of the mood for a burning sensation, one that only a razor could provide. So, I sluggishly made my way to the bathroom, pulling one out of the cabinets. Getting it on the right angle, it took a moment for the pain to sink in and the blood to slowly form into a little bubble. Without hesitation (because by hesitating, I would get unsure and deny myself the delightful taste), I licked up the blood, savoring its metal-like taste.
'Sometimes, I just think the world would be better off without me here screwing it up.'
I licked my whole arm, feeling the burn spread through it, and then roughly rubbed it, finally letting it go, and savoring the immense pain I was putting myself through.
'But is this wrong? Is it wrong to want to feel pain…and to enjoy it?'
--I don't want to be the one the battles always choose,
'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused--
Time passed, and again, night came. Noticing my sad expression for once, Keiko walked over to me, in her nightgown, and asked, "Are you alright, Yusuke?"
"I'm fine! Why do you care anyway? Huh?!" I yelled, not even realizing the tone of my voice. Keiko shivered for a moment, and I felt bad, thinking that I scared her, which in all truth, I probably did.
I hated when I screamed at her, especially for no reason at all, "I-I'm sorry, Keiko. I just-"
"Save it, Yusuke." she stated firmly, "If you don't want to be with me anymore, just say so. But this is my apartment; I pay the rent, not you. So take your things, and go."
"But-" I started.
"No, there's something wrong with you. And by not letting anyone help, you're only hurting yourself. Please, Yusuke, just go away."
Shocked, I sat there, with a glazed look in my eyes.
"If you're not going to leave, then I guess I should just go." she said, and got up, grabbing clothes out of the closet, throwing some on the bed and some in a plastic bag. I watched her, biting my lip, regretting my words, wishing I could take them back.
--I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean--
"Goodbye."
The words stuck in my head, as she was up and gone. She'd already changed and left before I had the chance to restate my words, and make it up to her. I hoped she would come back. And though I know that I shouldn't have yelled at her, I realized that this was my chance. It was my chance to rid myself of this hell, and escape this madness. Feeling extremely depressed, I searched around for a knife, one that wasn't too sharp, but one that would definitely burn when slicing though flesh.
'I can't go on like this.'
--I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight--
I handled the knife carefully, eyeing it as if it were a plaything. Smiling masochistically, I quickly went to lock the door, for some reason not feeling safe to leave it open. Just looking at the sharp utensil made me excited. I held it above my left wrist, pushing it down just a bit to see how sharp it really was.
--Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door,
I try to catch my breath again--
'Good…'
I lifted it up again, slashing away, until I saw the red of the blood that calmed me down for a while. But I didn't want to die just yet. I wanted my pain to last for as long as it could. Holding up my arm with the other, as if it were about to fall off, I made my way to the sink, where I turned on the faucet, allowing it to cause even more pain to me. I smiled in true happiness as the water going down the drain slowly turned red.
'I can't live here alone, without a job or any money. And what's the point of living on anyway? Keiko, the only person who seemed to care for me in the slightest, doesn't even want me around anymore. My life is worth nothing…
NOTHING.'
--I hurt much more than anytime before,
I have no options left again--
I finally decided that this pain-it just wasn't satisfying me. I began to focus on other parts of my body-my legs, my other arm, even my shoulders and upper arms. I just wanted to see the blood, the blood that brought me so much pleasure in seeing. The phone rang, and when I didn't answer it, I heard the answering machine come on, and Keiko's sweet voice, once more:
"You've reached the Urameshi residence. I guess since you're hearing this message, we're either out, or Yusuke's too lazy to answer the phone. Leave a message and we'll get back to you soon. Ja!"
After the annoying beeping sound, I heard a familiar voice come on the line:
"Urameshi? You there, man? Listen, I heard about what happened with you and Keiko, and I'm sorry, but you gotta take it like a man! You better answer the damn phone, Urameshi! I'm not kid-"
Annoyed with his voice, I finally picked the "damn phone" up, "Whaddya want?!" I was pissed that he interrupted one of my "sessions".
"I wanna know why you're treatin' Keiko like dirt! She does everything for you, paying the rent and crap. You repay her by yellin' at her?! What the hell is your problem?!?!" Kuwabara yelled so loud into the phone, that I moved it away from my ear.
"Heh, my problem? My problem is my life. Good thing that's going to be over pretty soon." and I just hung up, not caring if he understood what I was going to do or not.
--I don't want to be the one the battles always choose,
'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused--
Lifting up the razor another time, I kept slashing until I saw a thin line, and then the blood. It came out slowly, and as I licked it away, new blood replaced it. I screamed out in ecstasy, loving every moment of my suffering.
--I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean--
I couldn't even remember when I first began to hurt myself. It was probably a time when I was shaving and accidentally cut myself, or perhaps in battle, when I realized I was enjoying my own pain a little too much to still be sane. But good thing it was all going to be over soon. The blood loss began to make me feel lightheaded.
--I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight--
With one final cut, I knew it'd be over. I did it quickly, for fear that I'd back out at the last second. The pain stung worse than anything I'd ever felt in battle, but at the same time, I was enjoying it. I let out a chuckle, and flung my arm, smiling in content as the red substance left a small stain on the walls.
'But…I have to let Keiko know it's not her fault…'
With as much strength as I could muster, I found a small notepad, and scribbled a quick message on it, just for her. From the second I saw the small drops of blood hit the paper, I knew it was all over…
--I'll paint it on the walls, 'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again, and this is how it ends--
The last thing I heard was my sigh of relief, and I felt my eyelids slowly droop as I fell, onto the softness of the bed.
"1...2...3!!!" someone broke down the door, stepping inside, looking around suspiciously.
"Where is he?"
Keiko looked around, and saw a person-me, of course-slumped over on the bed.
"YUSUKE!!!" she ran over to me, trying to see if I was awake, which of course I wasn't. I was long past dead.
"W-why…Yusuke…" and then she began to sob uncontrollably into Kuwabara's shoulder. Kuwabara looked down, clenching his fists in anger: Anger at me, anger at himself…
--I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean--
And that was it. I was dead, and they couldn't do anything to change that. But they had to know it wasn't their fault, and I was sure to let them know that. My note wasn't in vain, and as they read over it, I saw more tears stream down their faces, and Kuwabara used to phone, I assumed to dial 911 or something. It was too late now, though.
--I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit…--
I'm sure that whoever you are, you're anxious to see what I wrote, huh?
"Keiko-
I want you to know that you had nothing to do with this. There was just nothing left worth living for. I'm sorry if you feel it's your fault, but really, it's not. I'm sorry that I yelled at you. You'll be so much better off with me gone-ALL of you will. Don't cry over me. Don't mourn for me. I wanted this. Just be happy for me, please. You can't stop the inevitable-this was meant to happen. Just let me go, and get on with your life. Please…think of it as my last request, alright? I did love you though, please don't have any doubts about that. My one concern is your happiness…so as I said, just be happy for me…this one last time.
-Yusuke"
--I'm breaking the habit…tonight--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, Yusuke died, boo hoo. I really love him, though. I mean, I love his character. He's just full of anguish, and you all know it. Review please.