Disclaimer: I, Miranda of the lowly GingerClan do solemnly swear that I am in no way profiting on this story other than my own amusement. I also do not own any of the characters portrayed, although the different Shepard variations are my own. But they ain't paying my bills. (That is what my original works shall do…hopefully).
1.
He blamed her. Gunnery Chief Williams would still be alive if only Shepard had listened to him. Kaidan had all but pleaded for the woman to be spared, and what had the commander done? Fucking saved his pathetic ass instead. A good soldier died, and he was left to pull the pieces together when his life was in shambles around him.
The alcohol burned down his throat, the harsh bite of the whiskey stinging as the liquid coursed down his windpipe. Kaidan could not forget Ashley's crisp affirmative as she was told of her fate. Ashley knew if she was left to guard the bomb, she would not make it out alive. Shepard was good but she was no God. The Gunnery Chief was nothing more than another casualty of war, a sacrifice just like Jenkins. She would never put her family's name on the map, never get to taste that glory that evaded her. And it was all Shepard's fault.
Kaidan would not admit it out loud, but he blamed himself too. Even though she loved Liara, Vigilance still managed to save him. Kaidan had admittedly caused some tension in the relationship and, as a result, nearly caused a rift in the dynamic of their team. The biotic was a weak link, and yet Vigilance had still spared him when Ashley was the more viable option; the safe option. Ash would not threaten her tenuous grip on what romance she could glean in the middle of a war and he knew the women were close. He would never again be that close to Shepard, not when he selfishly put his heart on the line when he knew the love she harbored for the shy asari scientist. Kaidan thought he stood a chance, did not think a mere alien female could beat his masculinity and naked admiration. But he was wrong. He always seemed to be wrong.
He could play the blame game all he wanted, pointing fingers at every damn crewmember to relieve the agonizing guilt that settled in the pit of his stomach, burning like acid. The bile rising up his throat when he thought of soft brown eyes and a bright smile filled with a thousand promises and oaths, a veritable galaxy filled with shining stars. Shepard was not the one to be placed at fault as it was he whose hands were stained with the Williams blood. Kaidan had loved Ashley too, in a way. The soldier had been so obsessed with Shepard, too preoccupied with a love that would never go anywhere that he missed an amazing girl who had so much potential, so much love to give. He squandered it all away in his obliviousness.
Kaidan could still hear Ashley's sisters screaming and crying from the holo as Shepard, with face grim and eyes burning with pain, called to break the news. The broken family had been shattered further, the pieces scattered on the winds never to be pieced together again. Ash was the glue that held the William's line together and that glue had been dissolved with one single decision. One life saved, one life snuffed.
How could he look them in the eyes? How could he even say sorry when the words sounded bitter to his own ears? Sorry was a mere shadow of what her loss truly was and no false pretenses or meaningless platitudes would make this alright. All Kaidan could do was drown his guilt in a bottle and try to keep his self-hatred from destroying what was left of his sanity. Still, no matter how much he drank he could not forget her blood on his hands or how much he wished he had not fallen for Vigilance Shepard.