"Are you okay?"
She could hear him ask her the question, but it was like hearing it through water. She was underneath, with the whole world above her; ripples of activity, loud and suffocating.
"Bianca?"
The second time he asked, his voice broke through, and she turned her head to the side, and looked past him to the car driving away in the distance.
"I had my things packed."
"Things?" Andy asked.
Bianca shook her head and walked towards the entrance. She almost ran into one officer as they left the building, and another as she turned around.
"Bianca," Andy reached for her hand. "Do you want to sit down? You can worry about a statement later."
Bianca noted the cautious manner in how he held her hand, and the way his voice had softened so the others couldn't hear.
"I guess I could sit. I don't feel like I'm helping."
"You've helped enough, you saved those kids' lives."
He sat on the step beside her, and patted the hand on her knee before letting go.
"I thought it was Heather. I put her through that, and it could have gotten Janet and the kids killed. I just… I can't help but think—"
"Don't. You followed the leads we had. We were all in the dark about Peta, and in the end it was your sharp shooting that saved everyone… again."
Bianca smiled at her fellow officer. She had enjoyed working with Andy. He was kind, smart, and a good team player.
"Make some room!"
The paramedics held Peta in a stretcher. One of them ran up to Peta's side adjusting the gauze around her leg, while one of the cops helped secure her to the stretcher. Bianca stood up with Andy to allow space for the paramedics to come through. As she stood, she made eye contact with the other woman.
Peta had been struggling in the stretcher, crying as they secured her to the bed. Seeing Bianca, she slowed her breaths and flicked her face to remove a stray hair from her cheek. The paramedics stopped their descent down the stairs; and Bianca, ignoring Andy's insistence, moved next to the stretcher.
"Come to finish the job?" Peta scoffed.
Bianca pulled at the cuffs Peta was wearing, and she jerked towards her. Releasing the cuffs, Bianca looked down at the gauze covered leg she'd been responsible for. She swallowed hard as she remembered how close the lift doors had been to closing. How close it came to two children losing their lives - Janet's children. How much pain Janet would suffer, and continue to suffer if she had stammered and missed.
She watched Peta glare at her as she stepped back from the stretcher. Andy came to her side and watched Bianca, watching the stretcher as it entered the ambulance.
"No parting words?"
"None, needed," Bianca replied.
They both remained still. Watching the flurry of activity start up again as the ambulance pulled out of the driveway.
"You know, if you ever want a change of scenery Bianca, I'm sure the DPP could use your assistance again."
Bianca just nodded and smiled. She forgot all the chaos that happened, and simply remembered the camaraderie she had found with this group of people.
"Thank you Andy."
She then surprised him by reaching out for a hug, "You were a lousy boyfriend, but an excellent partner," she said, playfully slapping his back.
Andy smiled, and shook his head at her.
—
She spent the afternoon driving anywhere but home. By the time the day hit evening, she wasn't sure that driving aimlessly was helping her any more.
Realising she had a destination, she drove to Janet's house, but equally, she had no intention of going inside. She'd stay there because it's what she had done the past few nights; sitting in a car, hoping everything was alright. Seeing the outside light on, she noted the light falling from Janet's upstairs bedroom to the alley way outside.
Janet had her window open again.
She had told her that perhaps that wasn't the best idea. She had even made subtle attempts to nudge the curtains closed while standing awkwardly in front of them. Janet had found it amusing, and the perfect excuse to wrap her arm around Bianca's waist, and pull the other woman towards her.
"For a police officer you're not very subtle."
"I could say the same for you," Bianca replied, watching Janet playfully twist her shirt buttons loose with her free hand.
The memory made Bianca reach for her phone. Then another memory made her put the phone down again. She sighed, and again looked over at Janet's house.
I will keep watch, she had said.
She'd been in a motel room with a sore head when Janet had uttered those words. She'd been impressed by Bianca's efforts in their undercover operation, and had decided to reward them by looking after her.
She had kept watch, for at least an hour. That was until she got uncomfortable and had laid down stretching her back. They accidentally got close to one another, and continued to believe that pretence as they fell asleep. If they hadn't been woken so suddenly the following morning by the SCC, then the day would have begun with a similar awkward facade.
Bianca stretched her back against the drivers seat. It would not be comfortable to sleep here, she thought. Janet didn't need her to keep watch, but it was too late to drive home. For a moment she entertained the though of a motel, but that almost seemed as empty as her car, and her car was at least right here. Pushing the seat back slightly, she tried to make the best of it; pulling a shirt from her bag, she tucked it under her head as a makeshift pillow.
Every time she closed her eyes she saw Janet's distressed face looking back at her. Tired and flustered, she had so wanted to reach out to the other woman. But she was still so confused by her role in today's almost disaster.
She felt selfish, but she needed to see her. She needed her to know, she just needed something. Bianca turned in her seat so she was facing away from Janet's house. Sighing into her shirt/pillow, she cursed the ridiculousness of her driving here. She caught herself looking at her phone again. It was just sitting there, dark and free of notifications.
Giving up on sleep, Bianca turned in her seat and moved forward to turn on the radio. The low hum of an indie track played through her car. It wasn't something she'd usually listen to, but the singer had a calming voice that she hoped lure her to sleep.
As she closed her eyes she heard the soft vibration of her phone. She sat up quickly and grabbed the phone beside her.
"Since when do I let you sleep in your car?"
Feeling like she was hearing an echo, Bianca turned quickly to look towards Janet's house and saw her standing there phone in hand, waving at her just outside the car door.
"Ah, I… it was late. I didn't think you needed protection any more, but…" Bianca said, still holding the phone to her ear.
Janet smiled and tapped at the car window.
Realising she still had the phone in her hand, Bianca pulled it away, and quickly ended the call. Smoothing down her shirt, and turning off the radio, she carefully opened the door.
She stood there in front of Janet, just as frozen as she had been earlier that day.
"You're right, I don't need protection. But you're here."
"About that—," Bianca began.
"Get your bag."
"My bag?"
"You were going home to pack remember?"
"That was while we were still uncertain about the Heather situation."
Janet looked over Bianca's shoulder and saw her bag sitting in the back seat.
"You still brought it."
"I never went home," Bianca didn't mean to say, but said it any way.
"Then don't. I mean, you don't have to go home unless you want to."
Bianca looked down at her feet, before looking back to Janet to see what she meant.
"Do I need to drag you back to bed again to convince you?"
Bianca smiled and then looked away again. "I just, I just needed to know you were okay. You and the kids were okay."
Janet moved to Bianca's side and opened the back door to her car. She started lifting Bianca's bag then stopped, quickly moving a hand to her ribs.
"Janet, are you okay?" Bianca asked coming to her side.
She allowed Bianca to take the bag. "I'm a little bruised, I was a little shaken, and I'll probably feel something later, but right now I'm just tired." Janet reached out her hand towards Bianca. "I'm tired, you're tired - we're both very tired."
Bianca nodded, she couldn't disagree with that.
As they walked across the road Bianca could feel her body lighten, and her eyes soften. She felt the weight of the day shift from one foot to the next while she crossed the road to Janet's house. As she walked through the door, she saw a softness in Janet's eyes, and a weary smile as she was led inside.
"Wait, how did you know I was outside?"
Janet stopped mid-way up the stairs and turned around. "I didn't. I may have left my curtains open again and spotted a familiar car in the street."
"Oh."
"Yes, oh, and don't worry they're closed now."
"And why were they open at this time of night?" Bianca asked.
"I just thought I'd look, just in case."
"Just in case," Bianca repeated, taking an extra step up the stairs towards Janet.
"I guess I got used to knowing you were there… and I couldn't remember if it was garbage night."
Bianca rolled her eyes. "I put the garbage out for you two nights ago."
Janet took her hand again, more firmly this time, and encouraged Bianca up the stairs. She stopped briefly outside an open door, and Bianca watched Janet peek inside.
"Did they go to sleep ok?" Bianca whispered.
Janet nodded without looking away from her children. "They were just happy to be home. I read them a couple of books, gave them a lot of hugs," Janet turned to face Bianca. "I think I needed the hugs more than they did. Liam kept laughing at me."
"They're very lucky to have you."
"Hmm." Janet looked back at her children and pulled the door a little closer. She took a sharp breath, feeling the door was too closed, she pushed it back slightly. Just enough so she could still make out Emma's hair in the distance.
Bianca watched Janet staring at the door. Her eyes were bleary and unfocused. "Janet?"
Janet turned back to Bianca, but turned too quickly, almost losing her footing.
Stepping forward, Bianca took Janet's arm and helped steady her. "You need to rest, come on."
Janet nodded and held Bianca's arm as she led her to her room. She placed her bag by the door and helped Janet sit on the bed. Her eyes were still unfocused, distant and heavy. Placing a hand against Janet's cheek, Bianca tucked a stray hair away, and ran her thumb gently against her skin.
"I… I don't know what to say," Bianca admitted.
Janet reached up for Bianca's hand against her cheek and pulled it away. Instead, she held it in her own, and rubbed tiny circles lazily inside her palm.
"I think about it, then I don't. I breathe a sigh of relief knowing it's over, then my heart races again trying to open the door. I think I'm good, as good as I can be, but it hits me, small moments in otherwise okay ones. Doors opening and closing, wondering - what if?"
Janet pursed her lips and looked down at her hand clutching Bianca's. She didn't realise that while she was talking, her smooth strokes on the other woman's hand turned into something else. She was clutching her hand so hard that she had left impressions, and the whole time Bianca hadn't made a move to take her hand away.
"Sorry." Janet said.
She let go of her hand and walked to the bathroom closing the door behind her. Turning the shower on, she let the hot water rush over her. She was too tired to cry. She decided it wasn't something she felt warranted crying, so she thought about anger, but that wasn't clear either. Janet leaned back against the tiles, but too quickly, and she felt the pain course through her back again. Soothing the skin on her side, and across her abdomen, she wondered if by morning she'd be left with a boot shaped bruise.
It could have been worse, she thought. Something she'd picture saying to herself for weeks to come. Closure didn't erase the past, it just gave her an excuse to move on. She'd still have to walk with the scars, tend to them at times when they'd flair up and beg for her attention. School them, when they lingered around too long, and remind them, that eventually they'd have to take a seat and become memory.
Against the tiles, she allowed her mind to wander.
Events played out in sequence. The coffee cart, the conversations about loss and commonalities, the ease at which she had allowed the other woman to be trusted. Janet took a sharp breath and struck her hand against the opposite wall. Leaning down slowly, she allowed the water to completely drench her hair. She hadn't removed her hair band, and the small tendrils of hair that had escaped her bun began clinging to her face like vines. She stayed there, one breath after the next till it evened out to slow, deep intakes.
While she gained a measure of control, she felt herself playing out each memory again. Her mind couldn't be silenced, and she felt overwhelmed by its need to retell every detail. It was too soon for this, too fresh. She desperately wanted to sit with some peace for a while, to be somewhere present and reassuring. She rubbed her hands against her face, but it didn't stop the fear and guilt that played out in the background. She slammed her palm against the wall, harder this time. Every time she saw Peta's face she hit the wall again. One for trusting her, two for entertaining her, three for so casually allowing her near the children. By the time she reached the seventh her hand limped down the wall, and with her hand her entire body sank to the floor.
"Janet? Are you ok?" Bianca asked, after a couple of knocks at the bathroom door.
"Janet? Can I come in?" she repeated.
Janet pushed herself from the floor and turned the water off. Still not answering Bianca, she leant against the wall clutching her hand, and trying to bring herself back to the present.
Not hearing a reply, Bianca opened the bathroom door and looked for Janet through the steam. She turned on the fan, and the small noise of it starting up caused Janet to refocus and look towards Bianca.
"Can you pass me a towel?" she asked.
"Sure," Bianca replied, quickly finding a towel on the rack behind her, and passing it towards Janet.
"Thank you," Janet replied, wrapping the towel carefully around her.
Janet noticed Bianca looking around the room. Possibly looking for the source of the noise, but knowing quite clearly the source was Janet.
"I don't know if that helped... I seem to have forgotten to wash my hair."
Bianca walked up beside her and helped her take the hair tie out. Carefully she loosened the strands, and allowed Janet's hair to gently fall on her shoulders. Her posture was slightly hunched, and she'd never seen Janet so unsure of herself. "I don't know, you're kind of cute with messy hair."
Janet looked dumbfounded, and wiped her hand against the mirror to judge her appearance for herself. "You need your eyes tested Bianca."
"No, no they're good," she replied, pushing a couple of knotty strands behind Janet's ear. "You know, I have a brother who never grew out of his long-haired grunge phase, so I'm pretty skilled with a hair brush. Come on, get changed, or don't. Just get comfortable, and I'll brush your hair."
"Well I see you've gotten comfortable already," Janet replied, noticing Bianca's change of attire. "So I guess I probably should dress for bed too."
"Good, I'll be back in a minute." Bianca replied, carefully closing the bedroom door behind her.
Janet found a loose shirt and pants to wear, and carefully put them on just as Bianca came back in the room.
"Better?" Bianca asked, bringing a glass of water to her bedside.
"I think I'm going to feel it in the morning."
"There's some panadol and a glass of water on your night stand. It might help you sleep, and I brought this," Bianca passed her some frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel. "It might be uncomfortable, but it should help reduce the swelling."
"I guess it must have been my turn to be the wounded warrior," Janet replied, before swallowing the pain killers.
"I think I'd like to avoid turning this into a tradition," Bianca replied.
The peas were cold against Janet's side, and she winced in response. Bianca sat behind her, and looked down to see her reaction. Janet hid a smile and tilted her head to the side, "I'm good."
Seeing her take a deep breath, she watched Janet adjust the frozen peas till she was in a comfortable position. "Ready?" she asked Janet.
Janet nodded, and Bianca reached for the hair brush to her side. She had parted the hair into sections, carefully holding the hair at mid-length, she brushed slowly through the ends.
"It's not that bad you know. You should have seen Ronnie's hair after a concert. He wouldn't even make it to the shower. He'd just lie on the couch passed out, and I used to leave him there wearing the cutest braids."
Janet laughed at the image, but regretted it when she felt the pain at her side.
"You okay?" Bianca asked, as she stopped brushing.
"Promise not to braid my hair. I don't think I could cope with the hilarity of that image in my present condition."
"I promise, no braids - at least not right now."
Bianca was careful with Janet's hair. She held each piece tightly, but brushed softly. She made note of when it was easier to unwind the knots with her fingers, and when it was better to apply the brush. She took her time, working through each section, and once each piece was untangled, she gently placed the hair on Janet's shoulder.
"You never went home," Janet mentioned. Bianca looked away from Janet's hair as she spoke. "If you didn't go home, where did you go?"
Bianca looked back down at Janet's hair. She'd already untangled this piece, but she was reluctant to let it go. "I just drove around town. Eventually I went back to give my statement, and then I didn't feel like going home." Bianca placed the section on Janet's shoulder.
"Does it help? Wandering, keeping to yourself."
Bianca put the brush down and sank a little lower in the mattress. "I don't know, it's not something I do very often. Usually if something was bothering me I'd call my mum, or talk to a mate. There's nothing to say, nothing happened to me. I wouldn't even know where to start."
Janet turned around as carefully as she could, still clutching the frozen peas to her side. She watched Bianca's eyes look anywhere but at her. She saw her neck stiffen, and her shoulders pull back. She seemed to be waiting for something. A word, a look, an admonishment, some indication that she had no right to feel anything.
"You're allowed not to be okay, I'm not. They're alive, we're alive - it doesn't mean we're okay."
Bianca looked up at Janet, she kept her jaw stiff and her shoulders back, "I'm not okay."
Janet nodded at her, and gently rubbed her shoulder, "okay."
Squeezing her shoulder, she turned back around to allow Bianca to continue.
Bianca picked up the last section of Janet's hair and continued to work through the knots. There weren't as many in this piece, and she was done quicker than she had hoped. Not ready to let go, she ushered the other strands of hair back and gently weaved her fingers through the fine blonde tendrils. She watched as Janet's shoulders relaxed and heard her breathe out softly. She moved from the strands of Janet's hair to her scalp, and gently massaged her head till she felt Janet lean back into her hands.
After she felt sufficiently relaxed, Janet reached behind her head and took one of Bianca's hands. It was the hand that she had held before. The one she had accidentally marked. She smoothed her thumbs along the small red indents and brought it to her lips. Kissing her hand she closed her eyes and felt the weight of her eyelids.
"Fuck I'm tired," Janet said.
Bianca smirked at her, and watched Janet turning towards her. She seemed to look at her for the longest time. She was tired, but strangely, she was able to focus on Bianca, in this small moment she felt present. Moving closer, Janet traced a line from the top of Bianca's head to her ear. When she got there, she let her hand sit, tinkering almost, considering something.
"What is it?" Bianca asked.
Janet let go and put the frozen peas on the side table. She pushed back the blanket and leaned back on her bed. Lifting her hand towards Bianca, the other woman followed suit and laid beside her. Janet turned the bedside lamp off and held Bianca's hand close to her chest. The streetlight filtered through the curtain and she could see Bianca still looking at her, trying to figure her out. Janet had found her confusion cute at times, but this time she felt the other woman deserved some clarity.
Dropping Bianca's hand to tuck them both in, she traced her fingers along Bianca's arm.
"There's something I don't say nearly enough… Thank you."