The world is ending. Quite literally. Not just for him, not just for Sam – for everyone. Dean knows he should feel staggered by the responsibility he's taken upon himself. I mean, saving the world and all that.
"And all that?!" Bobby would holler at him. "Are you that arrogant or jus' plain stupid?"
Dean is neither that arrogant nor that stupid, although many would probably beg to differ. He just hasn't really realised yet what he's signed up for. Nope. It hasn't hit home yet.
Dean knows this is freaking stupid and that it might just get him killed but he can't help but feel happy.
He finally feels like he's doing the right thing. And since he's only being honest with himself and no one else, it feels like he's been screwing up for a while now.
It has a lot to do with the fact that Sam is now back in the Impala, riding shotgun or alternately driving or sleeping in the back.
It didn't have the effect that angel dipshit wanted, but he has to thank Zachariah for showing him what the future could possibly look like.
Fuck pride. Dean wants his little brother around, not being worn to the prom by Satan. Even if Satan is strangely kind but that's all Dean is willing to give the bastard.
He never knew that you could give yourself the chills. Well, it's future-Dean that gives him the chills but it bothers him on a really deep level that he could actually turn into that person if the circumstances are right – or well, wrong.
But now-Dean is still humane and he'd very much like to keep it that way. He hasn't given up on Sammy yet either, he discovers. And to be fair, it really does tie in with the whole screwing up thing.
Sammy is more than family. Sammy is his everything. He knows that one of the reasons he doesn't do serious relationships is because all the love he should invest in a woman, well, he's got it all wrapped up around his brother.
And no, not in that gay way! He thinks about all those fans they apparently have, thanks so much Chuck, and how they've paired him and Sammy up – as a couple (!) and he just can't believe it. They're brothers, for fuck's sake! How can people really go there?
But whatever. He for one knows how he feels about Sam, is painfully aware of how deep it goes and he's made peace with being that dedicated to him. He avoids romantic relationships because he doesn't know if he can even switch all that… stuff towards another person. If he's really honest, he doesn't even want to. Sam is his little brother, his best friend, his greatest hunting partner and yeah, it's been really shaky lately but now that he could actually lose Sam for good, well. Fuck that shit. Family comes first. Sammy comes first.
So yeah. Dean is scared about losing Sam. Dean is also scared of evilness but losing Sam is decidedly more frightening.
What really bothers Dean is the grey area. If you let yourself slip into the grey area, you might not be able to notice that it's steadily getting darker.
One of the reasons he was so damn unforgiving about Sam's demon blood addiction is because it rang too much of a bell. Because Sam was in that fucking grey area, heading towards the black like a train at full speed.
Dean shudders at the thought but he's got to acknowledge it: he fell off the bandwagon too. Down in the pits of Hell.
They had poked, prodded, stripped, taunted, gouged, flailed, burned and many other things, over and over, until he just couldn't take it anymore. So he had given up. He had given himself over. Mad and incoherent with the pain, he had decided to stop being Dean, to stop being A Good Person. And he had done it all to others, the scars of torture still fresh enough to drive him on. His grey area was definitely very darkly tinted.
Another thought passes through his mind: if that's what four months did to him, what is his father like after a few years down there? Is it even his father anymore?
Dean shuts down that line of thought immediately because it is something definitely impossible to stomach. The weight of his father's sacrifice is also hard on the shoulders.
He knows he should apologize to Sam and try to explain himself, but he feels so fucking awkward. He feels so guilty. He feels like his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth whenever he thinks about telling Sammy what's going through his head.
He might laugh at 'Samantha' and call him emo, but Dean is going to be straight with himself: he's emotionally stunted. It takes extremely dangerous situations to get him to open up, properly. He's a fucking retard with the emotional. He knows that if he was just that little bit better, he could open his mouth and pour his heart out to his brother and make things even again.
But that's just not something he can do and yeah, whatever. He's got other redeeming qualities.
So anyway. The end is near or it's already here. Dean can't tell. But Dean is golden-retriever-idiot-happy because, man, he's got his little brother back, they're going to go blast evil shit together, they're riding and laughing in the Impala again and he's finally doing the right thing! He doesn't know if this is what will save the world but him and Sam are all the world has right now. So game on, motherfucker!
A/N: Why yes, that was a stab at Sam/Dean romance fanfiction. I know it will probably bother some people, but there is stuff that bothers me too that other people have written and that's that.