DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything HP-related.
Of Octopuses, Scandal and Dragons.
Blurb …
Ron and Hermione are getting married. But Victoire's stark naked, everyone thinks Neville loves Hermione; there's an octopus somewhere in the Burrow, and Ginny's in Australia. [Really Long Oneshot split into parts RHr HG NL and other's postDH
- - - P A R T O N E - - -
Bonded for life.
It was a concept Harry never thought he'd experience. Amazingly, he had. He had been married to Ginny for almost 2 years now. They were even thinking of having a child. It was the whole concept of the fact that he could have all this that made him wonder whether he really was someone else.
And today, he got to be his best friends, best man.
Yes, today-Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were getting married.
"Well, this ought to be interesting." Neville said. It was the day before, and there still seemed to be an extraordinary amount of things that needed doing.
Mrs Weasley was bustling around, either yelling at her son's and daughter, to comb their hair, or sort something out, while, folding up clothes, table cloths, or in the kitchen, baking and baking a never-ending batch of Weasley-Cooking.
Mr Weasley was in hysterics-Ginny was currently in Australia, playing in a Quidditch final against an Australian team. She was supposed to arrive that night, but no one had heard a word from her.
Harry was the best man, and being so, was running around, doing anything Ron had to sort out, before he could muck it up himself. Ron himself, was so nervous, he was likely to write Tuesday instead of Thursday, as the date of the wedding.
It was a glaringly hot day in August, and nearly everyone was walking around in either their togs, or in the case of 3-year-old Victoire, nothing at all. Fleur had been running after her all day, trying to convince her daughter to put some clothes on. Not something good for a woman 9 months pregnant. She was due the day after tomorrow.
"'arry! 'arry! I 'ave lost Victoire! 'ave you seen 'er?" Fleur had said, running past him that morning. He had said he had seen her outside with Teddy, and she had run off.
"Harry dear! Could you please go check on Ron?" Mrs Weasley asked him, late in the afternoon. She was wearing shorts and t-shirt, and fanning herself with a copy of The Quibbler. "I think he's in his room, but I haven't seen him all day-you might want to go check on him."
"Sure-"
"I can sort this, you go." Neville said, returning to the napkins he was folding. Luna came over to help him, and Harry wended his way up the stairs. They were holding the wedding at the Burrow, as most knew where it was, plus the fact, that it was the only place that was big enough.
Ron was looking rather green when Harry saw him by his bedroom window.
"You all right, mate?" Harry asked, standing next t him. He followed his gaze out onto the garden, where a large marquee was set up, and to where Hermione and Percy were throwing gnomes by the dozen over the fence.
"Yeah." Ron muttered.
"You sure?"
"No." Ron gulped, and drank some water from a drink bottle he was holding. "What if this all goes wrong? Weasley wedding's never go right. Look and Bill and Fleur's! Look, and Percy and Penny's! Look at your's!"
That was true. Weasley weddings were always doomed to have some sort of crisis happen before the wedding. In the case of Bill and Fleur's, it was during.
"That is true, but the only thing that matter's, is that you're marrying Hermione." Harry said. As a best man, and best friend, it was his job to do this sort of comforting thing. "As long as you marry her, nothing can go wrong. Even if Victoire runs stark naked down the aisle, and sings the Babbity-Rabbity song."
Ron snorted. "I suppose. I just never thought we'd make it. We've been through so much together. Back when we were 17, my only thought was "Stay alive, protect Harry and Hermione, defeat You-Know-Who". I never dreamed we'd get married."
"Neither." Harry agreed. "Look, I've got to go help fold some napkins with Neville and Luna, you going to be ok by yourself?"
Ron nodded. Harry left the room, wishing Ron would just sit tight until it was all over. This wedding was turning into a real nightmare.
When he was halfway down the stairs, there was an ear-splitting scream from outside. He jumped on the last step, and stumbled forwards.
"What on earth-?" He began, as he, Neville and Luna ran to the kitchen, and through the back door.
"Get-away-from-my-granddaughter-you-crazy-hooligan!" An old woman with a lethal looking handbag was yelling at a scared looking George. She was whacking with all her might, and Harry wouldn't have been surprised if his other ear came off.
"Grandma!" Hermione's outraged voice reached the vicinity, and Harry understood: Hermione's main relatives had arrived. "Stop-that! You'll hurt-him! Grandma!"
George was cowering on the ground. Harry noticed his wand in his hand, and Harry supposed Hermione hadn't exactly told her she was a witch.
"Grandma, listen!" Hermione managed to calm her grandmother down. "Listen-I am a witch. I can do magic, everyone here can! Look-" Hermione took out her own wand and made the handbag levitate into the air. "I found out when I was 11. We didn't tell you, because we thought a good shock would kill you."
"I-you-magic-you've got to be-what?!"
"Mum!"
Hermione's mother came running into view, her dad right behind. Both were consoling the astonished woman and Hermione grimaced at Harry.
"We figured it was for the best." She said, and Hermione's parents lead Hermione's grandma away. "She'd probably have a heart attack. Where's Ron?"
"Upstairs, I don't think he's feeling that well." Harry said.
"Not feeling-?"
"Just nervous, I think. I mean, you two are going to be bonded for life soon." Harry reminded her. Hermione grinned and Neville and Luna came to them from the house.
"Finally finished with the napkins." Neville was saying. "Who on earth was attacking George before?" She asked.
While Hermione explained, Harry heard a shrill giggle from behind a plant. Curious, he bent over it, and saw a mop of strawberry-blond hair.
"Vicka, is that you?" He asked. The thing giggled again.
"I'm hiding Uncle Harry!" She whispered loudly. "From mummy! Teddy told her I'm inside!"
"You-need to get some clothes on or you'll get burnt in this hot sun." He told her, lifting his niece out from behind the bushes.
"Oh, you found 'er!" Fleur came hurrying forward. "Victoire, you need to put on zis t-shirt or something, you will get burnt!"
"That's what Uncle Harry said." Victoire said stubbornly. She had inherited it, no doubt from the Weasley side. "But it's too hot! I don't want to!"
"Vicka! Over here!" 5-year-old Teddy threw a wand and Victoire grabbed it from the ground. The three-year-old was off, and Fleur swore in French and doubled over, gasping for breath.
"Zis baby ees more trouble zan it ees worth." Fleur said, gesturing to her belly. "I can't keep on running about."
"I'm on it." Bill came from the house and ran off after his daughter, Teddy giggling madly behind him.
"This family never ceases to amaze me." Hermione said. They all laughed.
"So is everyone here?"
"Ginny's still in Australia and Hagrid's not arriving until tonight. He's coming with Charlie. Hagrid's been working in Romania with him and the dragons in this summer-from the sounds of it in his letters, he's having a blast." Harry answered.
"I believe it was rather brave of Hagrid to work with dragons." Luna said serenely. "Daddy says that dragons are ruthless creatures, but if you feed them carrots for 2 months solid, they'll suddenly sprout antlers, and-"
"Point is, Hagrid and Charlie aren't here, along with Ginny, and as your parents just arrived, I think we're set." Harry cut across Luna hastily. She immediately turned to Neville to explain, and amazingly, Neville looked interested.
Hermione sighed and Harry saw her gaze drift over to the alter. Harry couldn't quite believe that this time tomorrow, Hermione and Ron would almost be married. The wedding was to start at 5, when it was still light.
"I'm going to get married Harry." Hermione said. "Married! I never thought I ever would."
"Trust me; I wouldn't trade it for anything." Harry told her.
"Hermione?"
They all turned to see a girl about their age looking extremely bewildered. She had a suitcase with her, and was looking at the many people in the back garden in surprise.
"I didn't realize you knew this many people, the weddings not until tomorrow!" She said. Hermione smiled and greeted her. Harry realized that this must be Rebecca-Hermione's muggle friend, who was to be a bridesmaid with Ginny and Luna.
"Hi, I'm Harry." Harry stuck out his hand for her to shake.
"Becca." She said with the smile. "You a wizard-thiny-ma-jiggy too?"
"Yep."
Neville lead Rebecca inside, while Hermione took up the responsibility of checking the seating plans. And checking the dresses were right. And if the flowers were there yet. And whether Parvarti Patel, who was supposed to be singing at the reception, was coming.
"She likes to have everything to herself, doesn't she?" Harry asked Luna.
"It's her wedding. She's allowed. I can't wait to be married someday." Luna smiled.
"I hope you do someday. I'll be invited, yeah?" Harry asked. Luna nodded.
Hagrid arrived that evening with Charlie-on the back of a huge dragon.
"Hagrid-wha-?"
"HIYA MOLLY!" Hagrid roared over the shrieks of the dragon. "WE MADE IT EVENTUALY! THOUGHT WE'D GET LOST OVER THE CHANNEL, BUT WE GOT 'ERE!"
"Hi Hag-HOLY SWEET MERLIN!"
George gaped as the dragon touched down in the front garden. They all raced round through the gate to see Charlie flying on a broom stick.
"Hey everyone! Don't mind the dragon-She's harmless." He said in greeted.
"Harmless? What on earth were you thinking?" Mrs Weasley yelled. Hagrid was attempting to tether the dragon to the fence, but it promptly ripped the whole thing up.
"Say hi to Norberta, Harry!" Hagrid said in a big booming voice.
"Norberta-?"
Once Harry stared more closely, the more he recognise the dragon he hadn't seem since he was 11.
"Whatever you do-don't tell Hermione was a filthy great dragon's here." Bill was saying to anyone who was listening.
"Some how I doubt we'll be able to hide it." George said in reply.
It was almost 11 when most people went to bed. Everyone had stayed up to see Ginny come home-and panicked when she didn't.
"Where the hell could she have gotten to?" Neville asked. They entered Ron's room with Ron himself in tow and prepared themselves for bed.
"I don't know-I'm worried." Harry replied. Ron didn't say anything. Harry was becoming even more worried-Ron hadn't been this quiet since Fred's funeral all those years ago. He'd worry about that in the morning.
"I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY! I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY!"
"Wha-?"
Harry woke with a start and jolted upright. It was 7 in the morning and sunlight was streaming into the room, and Neville was stirring next to him.
Harry could hear Hermione yelling in the background. He got up, still in his pyjamas, and went out onto the landing. Almost immediately, Hermione had run at him in a hug that almost knocked him flat.
"I'm getting married today!" She said excitedly in his ear.
"I know! Would you stop waking up the entire house?"
"But there's so much to do!" She said, letting go of him. "We have dresses to sort, robes to find, wands to get back-teddy stole them al, and Victoire's running around with one-oh, don't be surprised if you see a purple-ish squid squelching around."
With a quick whoop, Hermione tore off back down the stairs. Harry shook his head, laughing and yawing, and went back to Ron's room.
"Today's the day mate!" He said, going to Ron's bed. "You're getting married today! Ron-?"
He went to push his friend awake-but he wasn't there. His bed was empty and all that lay there was a note.
Dread filling him, he picked it up and read:
Tell Hermione I'm sorry. This is just too overwhelming.
"Crap." He said in undertone. "Neville!"
"I'm trying to sleep here!"
"NEVILLE!"
He pushed Neville right off the camp bed he was on. "Neville! Ron's gone!"
This woke him up.
"What?! He's-g-gone?" Neville looked astounded and grabbed the mote Harry was brandishing. He read the note three times in quick succession, before swearing loudly. "Why would he do this?! He was fine last night!"
"Actually, I don't think he was." Harry said bitterly. He read the note again-this is just too overwhelming. "I think the pressure got to him, and the enormity of the situation hit him. It was too "Overwhelming"."
"What are we going to do?" Neville asked in a hushed voice.
"Well, we're not telling Hermione, that's for sure." Harry said.
"We're not telling Hermione what?"
George had come in with Percy.
"This-" Harry thrust the mote at them. Their eyes widened when they read it.
"No." Percy said.
"No way!"
"Ron wouldn't-'
"He did!"
"What are we going to do?"
"Don't tell Hermi-"
"OK!" Harry yelled, and everyone sopped talking. "Someone has to go find him, talk sense into him, bring him back-the others'll have to stall."
"You find him Harry." George said at once. "If anyone knows where he could have gone, it'll be you. Plus I'm a wiz at excuses."
"Right, I'll find him, you guys act as if nothing's wrong." Harry said in agreement. How, how, how could Ron do this? Just up and leave because he got too nervous, for Merlin's sake? Where could he have gone? One thing was certain though-Ron was going to get a punch in the face when Harry found him, best mate or not.
But where to go? He couldn't think of a single place Ron would run off to. Hogwarts? No. Fred? Possibly. Work? He didn't think so somehow …
Then it hit him.
"I'll be right back!" Harry shouted, and disaprated with a crack.
"I'm getting married today!" Hermione said happily. Rebecca and Luna shared a glance, which Hermione ignored. "I mean, I'm getting married!"
"We know, Hermione." Rebecca said exasperatedly.
"So should we-?"
Luna was cut off by Victoire running into the room.
"Morning Aunt Hermiiiiiiioneeeee!" She said happily. "I'm going to be your flower girl, ok?"
"Yes Victoire." Hermione said. Victoire had asked that about 5 times now.
"And I'm going to wear a pretty dress! It'll be pink! And have flowers on it!"
She had said that about 5 times, too.
"Shall we grab some breakfast and start getting ready?" Hermione suggested.
"All ready?" Luna asked.
"Have you seen how much hair I have?" Hermione asked, gesturing her brown locks to her. "It's going to take a few hours just to make it sit right."
"Point well taken, let's go eat." Rebecca said. They all got dressed and headed downstairs. They were ambushed by an octopus halfway down.
"Merlin's pants, that things enormous!" Hermione said. It was about the size of a cow, but was half the size when she saw it last.
"Please tell me this is a usual occurrence for wizards?" Rebecca asked.
"Not really." Luna said. "But you'll be amazed at the creature's wizards and witches do encounter! For example, Nargles are really-"
"Sorry Luna, but now's not the time!" Hermione said. "Where's my wand?" She couldn't find it anywhere. She must have left it in Ginny's room. Great-every day since the war, her wand had never been more than a few feet from her. Old reflexes die hard, as Ron had put it, and she breaks the habit now with a 6-foot-long octopus in the way?
"I've got it!" Bill came from his room he was sharing with Charlie and Percy. He waved his wand, shouted a reducing spell, and the octopus shrank back to its usual size.
"It's amazing how you guys can do that." Rebecca said, shaking her head.
They went to kitchen, to find everyone in it panicking.
"What's wrong?" Hermione said in outrage.
"Ginny is not here." Charlie explained, while Mrs Weasley punched numbers on an ordinary muggle telephone, Mr Weasley had attempted to install in the kitchen. She was trying to ring the hotel Ginny was staying at, but unfortunately, there was too much magic at the Burrow, and all the phone did was crackle and spark.
"It's not working, Arthur!" Mrs Weasley cried, handing it to him. Rebecca jumped in when they started banging it on the kitchen table.
"What do you mean Ginny's not back yet?!" Neville had arrived with George and Percy in tow. "She was supposed to arrive last night."
"Well, she never did." They looked to the door to see Kingsley and many other Order members arrive for the wedding. "We've been trying to get hold of her. But as she's on the other side of the world …"
"I guess we're not having breakfast then." Hermione commented. "I suppose we ought to start getting ready."
Neville, George and Percy all exchanged looks.
"Wait!" Neville said. "Hermione-uh … you can't start getting ready!"
"Why?" Hermione asked, bewildered.
"Because …" Neville glanced at George.
"Because Neville's in love with you!" He yelled.
Everyone stopped what they were doing, except for Fleur, who was holding a squirming Victoire. Mrs Weasley gasped.
"What?!" Hermione yelled.
"What?!" Neville yelled at George, who shrugged.
"She had to know." George said. "Now that she does, it's makes things simpler."
"Simpler?!" Hermione didn't know what to say-Neville was in love with her? It was completely bizarre! "Neville, I don't know what-you-what?"
"I love you?" Neville said, grinding his teeth and glaring at George, and Percy was looking astonished. George shrugged again. "Yes!" Neville turned back to Hermione. "I love you. And you can't marry Ron!"
"Neville-I-when did this happen?" Hermione asked.
"I don't know actually." Neville said with another glare at George. "I probably only realized a few seconds ago."
Hermione was stunned. Victoire piped up "But Aunt Hermione is in love with Uncle Ron!"
"Victoire's right Neville." Luna said. "Who would have thought?" She added, looking thoughtful.
"Wizards suffer from scandal as well?" Rebecca asked. Just then, Hermione's dad came in.
"Er-what's going on here?" He asked.
"Neville's in love with Aunt Hermione!" Victoire yelled.
"What?!"
Suddenly, there was a resounding crack and everyone jumped. Hermione turned to the window to see an owl clutching a letter. Percy immediately opened it and read the letter out loud:
" 'Hermione and everyone-sorry I can't arrive tonight, the final game is going longer than we expected. I could only write this now during a timeout. But we're winning! I hope I get there in time and good luck for tomorrow. Don't suffer the Weasley-discord without me (Though I'm probably causing it by not turning up) or have anyone reveal shocking news anytime soon. If you can-stall until I get there? Best of luck-Ginny'."
Great, Hermione thought. Ginny was playing Quidditch, Neville was in love with her and there was an octopus somewhere upstairs.
Just then, Harry burst in, looking like he'd run a mile.
"Nev-Neville! George! P-Percy!" He spluttered. "Upstairs-now!"
All four of them tore off back through the lounge and upstairs. There were yells as they encountered Mr Octopus.
And those four were definitely up to something.
"Ron's left the country!" Harry yelled once they reached Ron's attic room. "He didn't take much-but I thought he'd definitely be at Shell Cottage-he went there when-sometime during the war-but all I found was a note to Bill 'I'm borrowing your kettle as a portkey-I'm going to find Ginny in Australia'. He's skipped the country!"
All three of the listeners swore loudly.
"What the hell are we going to do? Besides convince Hermione that I don't love her?" Neville said in outrage, turning to George.
"You told her what?" Harry yelped.
"That Neville was in love with her!" Percy explained. "Though it was a pretty good excuse, when you think about it."
"I'm a wiz!"
"Point is, what are we going to do?" Harry said. "We can't go after him, we can only hope he finds Ginny, she talks some sense into him and they come back in-" he checked his watch. "-about 4 to 5 hours. Hermione wants today to be perfect, and it won't be if everything isn't sorted by lunch time."
"Well, when are guests arriving?" Neville suddenly said.
"Erm-about an hour before? They'll probably start arriving by then." Percy answered.
"Then I need to owl Lavender-she's invited, right?" Neville asked.
"Of course-but why?" Harry asked suspiciously. "You're not going to go bring up the past, are you? Because I doubt Hermione'll appreciate the Won-Won and Lav-Lav incident brought up again."
"It'll all be planned, and as I'm all ready in love with Hermione, thanks to George." George grimaced. "We just need to come up with something, that'll stall Hermione long enough to get Ron here. Then we can explain everything, and hope she doesn't slap us too hard."
"Sounds like a plan!" George clapped his hands together. "Right-Harry, you send a letter to Ginny explaining everything and to get her arse down here now. Then find Luna and Becca and tell then what's going on so they can stop Hermione from getting ready, because she'll be crushed if she gets ready then had to get out again.
"Percy-go find mum, and help her prepare for 5 as usual. She'll get suspicious otherwise. I'll go get rid of that octopus, then I'll spread a rumour that Hermione's pregnant with Harry's baby!"
"You want more scandal?!" Harry said in outrage. "Look, any more stress, and Fleur'll have the baby halfway through the ceremony if we get that far. No rumour-perhaps just the fact that you saw cockroaches in the kitchen. Hermione'll panic and Mrs Weasley Percy'll have to handle."
"Rodger dodger."
"Right."
"Ok."
"Wait-" Neville said as they all turned to leave. "What if Hermione seeks me out for a little 'talk' or something? That'll just be too embarrassing!"
"You'll have to play along, but avoid it at all costs." Harry answered. They all ran from the room, Harry heading for some parchment and quill. Hopefully it'll all work out.
Hopefully.
A/N: Oh my god, even in part's, this story's still long. This is my extremly long oneshot, about Ron and Hermione's wedding.
So this is part one of three. I hope you liked it-i had fun writing it, especially 3-year-old Victoire. Lol. Just wait for the next part's-even more craziness coming your way, because what would be a Weasley wedding without it?
Reviews appriciated, until next time-
-Moon. : D