When, out of the chaos of my mind, the thought arose, I felt at once it was the solution. I went to the balcony and leaned on the railing, and I leaned forward and planted my lips on hers and they were warm and soft I contemplated it with eager trepidation while I hate you I never want to see you again I watched the city, still lively even at this late hour. The meaning of life is to take what you can before you die. When I was resolved, I went back inside and doused one by one all the lights in my room, leaving me in complete darkness. Then I sat at my writing desk for the last time, lit a candle, took out a sheet of stationery paper and my pen, and began to write. Why are you crying Now Ive betrayed Anna too
"Dear Anna," How dare you "You're a better woman than I am." A knock on my door. I started, not having realized the door was open. Anna, fiery hair tied in a cute bun, stood in the doorway. "I found someone for you to meet."
Crocuses wafted through my open window. Her skin glowed in the sunlight, and I gaped speechless at her unapproachable beauty.
"He's said to be handsome and eligible."
My tongue caught in my throat. Weeks of wanting to talk to her and now I was struck dumb.
"Don't you want to meet someone?"
"Why would I want to meet anyone?" I croaked.
Under the winter sun we tramped through the wet and cold snow, her hand warm, its fingers intertwined in mine, my heart thrilling with each step. Anna looked back at Kristoff, who was stuck in a snowdrift. "We're leaving you!" she teased. "Come on," she said, pulling me ahead.
Kristoff shuffled through the snow. "Wait up."
"It's too late," Anna giggled. "I've left you. I have a new lover now," she said, squeezing my hand. She laid her head on my shoulder and put her other arm around my waist. I went rigid, not even letting my chest move to breathe, afraid she'd let go if I disturbed her. "She can keep up with me."
"I guess I'm not as pretty as she is," Kristoff said. "But will you cheat on her with me sometimes?" Anna shook her head. "Then," he said grinning, "I'll have to carry you off for myself!" Her warm touch vanished as he picked her up and slung her over his shoulder.
She squealed and laughed and told him, "Stop, I only want her now!" and laughed some more.
Kristoff squatted, put his arm around my waist, and lifted me onto his other shoulder, and I shrieked and laughed too. "Well, now you're together again. I'm happy, you're happy, what could be wrong? Let's keep going," he said, slogging forward.
Then he put us down, and Anna held both our hands, and my heart pounded, and we kept walking.
Dont say that You cant mean it Shed want you to do this Anna already loves you You know that Its because I love her that I want to do this because it doesnt come naturally to me and I love you thats why it should be with you How dare you
I wrote, "I'm not normal, and I never was, and I thank you for trying to fix me, "This one is different, he's supposed to be your type."
"Don't you know how I feel?"
Her lip trembled, a rebellion against her manufactured calm. "Give him a try. For me."
"But why? I only—"
"Please!" She wrung her hands. "Can't you?"
There was anguish in her face. I sighed. "Alright. For you. What's his name?"
"Julius, Duke of Roué."
Dipping my pen in ink again, I continued, "but I'm incorrigible." Springtime crocus scent filled the castle garden air and the carpet of grass underneath us was cool and wet against our skin when she reached over and tickled me her hands hot like fire and I smelled the crocuses again while I laughed and caught her hand and held it to my chest over my heart
She sighed and tried to roll onto her back but I clutched her hand to my heart and wouldnt let her so she watched me for a while with her elbow on the grass and her hand on her cheek and then asked Whats wrong
Nothings wrong I said but I knew was gripping her hand too tight but I couldnt stand to let go
Tapping her fingers on my chest in time with a word by word sing song chant she said Tell, me, what's, wrong I couldnt tell her so I clutched her hand
She stroked my cheek with her free hand and the crocus scent was choking me and her eyes were filled with the blinding blazing sun then I leaned forward and planted my lips against hers and they were warm and soft but she jumped back and tore her hand out of mine and I could hear her drawing in her breath while she stared at me with her mouth open eyes wide not lit up any more and breathing hard while she gaped at me and got up off the grass
I'm sorry I said
She was still looking at me face fixed in panic while she stepped backwards away from me then she turned and ran and as I watched her back and the heels of her shoes I lay in the grass and cried because I couldn't smell the crocuses anymore
Duke Julius might have been a Parisian fashion plate. As he walked towards the throne, hips wiggling like a debutante, I took Anna's hand, but she pulled loose. Julius held out his arms and said, "Your Majesty!" and bowed with an exaggerated flourish all the way to the ground. I hated him and his waxed moustache already.
I found her in the stable saddling her horse Anna I began She spun around to face me wide eyes full of fear I'm sorry I shouldn't have Anna took a step back and shook her head Then she turned and ran from me again Her horse was still half saddled and I thought she would come back so I waited but when the stable boy showed up and began unsaddling her horse I knew she wouldnt
"I've always been a monster, You think I cant be fixed Theres no fixing to do Its who you are But not who I want to be and I have no hope in my palace whose construction was so liberating I was surrounded by the cool smooth ice and the reflections and refractions of the rainbow light and the clean brisk mountain air but was miserable and lonely away from Anna of ever being anything else. So it's better this way."
I have to talk to you
She let me into her room I need to talk to you too Come sit
I sat on the couch She sat on her bed You first
Whyd you send him away
We werent going to work out
Did you want it to fail
No But I hated him from the moment I saw him He didnt fit in here
It was supposed to be two weeks It was hardly a day
He wasnt normal
I know Thats why I thought it might work
You know what I mean Did you know
No Nobody told me She swung her legs Youre right he didnt fit in here
Yeah
New paragraph. "I would like to apologize for the trouble I've caused you. I'm about to cause more, for which I'm sorry. Silence then she said You next
I thought you were going to ask about Kristoff
Why would I ask about Kristoff
Do you think hes been acting funny
What do you know about that
"But I've never been able to do anything except hurt you,"
Because I well its a long story but its what I came to talk about Because I should be honest
"Princess Anna prefers to dine alone again tonight," Kai informed me.
It was just me and Kristoff at dinner. He asked, "Do you know what's wrong with Anna? She's been like this all week but won't tell me anything."
Without meeting his eyes, I said, "I guess not." I glanced at Kristoff. He was watching me. I returned my eyes to my plate, but I could already feel my cheeks flushing.
"Anyway," said Kristoff, as the food came out. We ate in silence for a while. Then he ventured, "Anna keeps telling me to give up ice harvesting. She says she wants me to stay at the castle with her."
"You like it here. Why go out there?"
He shrugged. "I like it."
"Don't you want to be around her?"
"Of course I do, but I want to harvest ice, too."
"I never understood what attracted you to ice harvesting."
"Ice is my life! I mean, I guess it's your life too. No offense."
"You could give it up if you wanted to."
"No. No, I couldn't. It's a part of me."
"People can change if they try hard enough."
"Some things can change. Other things, they're what make you who you are."
"Sometimes you have to change," I said. "Because you can't keep on being who you are."
"Of course not. You have to be yourself."
"No!" I said, scaring myself with my own vehemence. "I mean, yes, but sometimes you need to change yourself."
Raised eyebrows Okay
I want to start by saying Im sorry
Kristoff put his fork down. "This is about Anna." I nodded. "Is it also about me?" I shook my head. "You don't want to talk?" I started to shake my head, but all I managed was to sniffle and wipe my eyes on my sleeve. Kristoff got up from the table and gave me a tender, wordless hug as I made a sob.
"It's my fault," I said, sniffling again. "Because I kissed her."
He stopped hugging me, gripped my shoulders, and said, "What?"
"Because I love her so much and it just felt like the right thing to do. And now I've ruined everything and she won't talk to me."
Kristoff said, "I didn't think that you loved her like that. That you were, you know."
"I'm not. It was just, I don't know, I was overwhelmed. Okay? That's all." I wiped my eyes on my sleeve again. "Sorry, I shouldn't weigh you down with this. She didn't cheat on you. It's all my fault."
What do you mean What did you do
I wrote, "so I'm sure you're used to it, even though you don't deserve it now and you never did. I hope that someday you'll find it in your heart to forgive me."
You know Im not like other women
Of course you are Youre a normal woman
"But you really love her?" Kristoff asked. "Like, that way?"
I nodded and used my napkin to blow my nose. "I always did. Even when we were little I wanted her to pretend to be my girlfriend or my wife. And she liked doing it, I guess because I was her big sister and she wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. Mama and Papa must have thought we'd grow out of it. She did, she has you now, but I didn't. I don't want men."
"You can't change who you are. And Anna loves you. She's always talking about you."
"She loves you more."
"Sometimes I'm not sure. But I love her. And I love you too." He gave me a peck on the cheek and smiled at me. "See? You don't have to find a man. I'm here for you."
"I wish I weren't like this."
"Anna and I both love you the way you are." He tucked a loose lock of my hair behind my ear. "I'll talk to her, okay?"
"No, you don't have to," I said, drying my eyes again.
"Of course I do. I love you both. We'll work something out." Then we ate.
At dinner Julius didn't restrain his eyes. Kristoff was uncomfortable with the attention and looked only at me and Anna.
Julius asked Kristoff, "You and the other ice harvesters are away from women for weeks each winter, aren't you? Certain things come naturally during that time, don't they?"
Kristoff was grim. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Come to my room tonight and I'll show you." Only Julius laughed.
"Please apologize to Kristoff on my behalf," I wrote. "What I asked him to do was wrong. He has a noble spirit,"
During the main course, as Kristoff was taking a bite of mutton, a droplet of sauce stuck to his chin. Julius took his own napkin and wiped Kristoff's mouth. Kristoff's arms flailed, knocking Julius's hand away. "Stop it!" he yelled.
"Would you prefer me to give you a bath later instead?"
Kristoff flung his napkin onto the table and stormed out.
Come in
Whyd you ask for me
Come in Shut the door Sit here
I patted the bed He sat
Whyd you ask for me
I need your help
With what
First promise me youll take me seriously
Why wouldnt I
Promise
I promise
And you cant tell Anna
I dont like it
Hear me out its for all our sakes I need you to fix me
What
You can fix me Im not a normal woman We all know it I want to be normal I dont want to feel like this anymore
What
Im not normal Ive tried to control it but I cant So I asked Kristoff for help Thats why hes been acting funny
Whatd you ask him to do
It wasnt an accident when I kissed you Its because I love you
She jumped up Dont say that You cant mean it
I do mean it I love you more than anything
No No you dont Were not like that
I dont want to be like this but I am I love you like a woman not just a sister
I dont want to hear any more Im not sick like you I have Kristoff
Im not done debasing myself yet Im ashamed but let me tell you everything okay
Pale faced and shaking she sat down Fine
Ive never loved a man before If you and I do what men and women are supposed to do youll fix me Itll make me normal
No I cant do that to Anna
Do it for her then
It wont fix anything Youre not like other women
You think I cant be fixed
Theres no fixing to do Its who you are
But not who I want to be
Anna wouldnt like it
She already tried to help me once and I hated him but I dont hate you You can make me normal Shed want you to do this
Anna already loves you Maybe more than she loves me You know that
Its because I love her that I want to do this because it doesnt come naturally to me and I love you thats why it should be with you
I cant cheat on her If you love her you wont ask me to do this
Its not cheating because I love her too and I know she wants me to be normal so I need to love a man
Im already Annas
Ill love you too
Im not like Anna She loves everyone all at once and I dont know how Youre like a sister thats all It has to be all I cant love you like that
Me neither so it cant be cheating Or am I ugly and you dont want me to love you Is that why Im not like other women because Im ugly
Youre not ugly Youre beautiful Very beautiful
Am I ugly inside because Im not normal
No Ice is my life I always thought you were beautiful From the time I met you Ive thought that
I made my ice dress dissolve and I was naked
Are you sure Im not ugly
Yes
Please help me be normal
I grabbed his shirt and began to undo it and he didnt resist
When I had stripped him we were standing in the darkness nude together and I ran my hands over his body and his hair and his rippling muscles and his penis and I wanted to be excited but it was disgusting
I took his hand and laid on the bed and pulled him on top of me and said Please He encircled me with his arms The pain was sharp like a knife in my loins and I gritted my teeth and he asked Are you okay and I said Yes Do it Youre making me normal He stabbed me over and over and I said I love it Give me more and then I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming and I gripped the sheets and looked at the ceiling and thought about Anna and her lips and her body and I stopped myself because it wasnt a normal thought and see I was becoming normal because I could push those thoughts of Anna out of my head because Kristoff was making me a woman and when I got used to it it wouldnt hurt anymore Id like it because Id be a normal woman Then he sped up and it hurt like my soul was being torn apart and he was moaning and I was thinking Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna
I felt him squirt and it ran out of me He held me and said Are you okay and I could only shake my head and he rolled off of me and asked Whats wrong I burst into tears and he said I'm sorry Why are you crying and I said Its my fault I cant be fixed and now Ive betrayed Anna too
I asked Kristoff to make me a normal woman
What does that mean
He didnt want to He said it wasnt fair to you He only loved me like a sister But I convinced him
How dare you How dare you seduce my boyfriend
I thought it would be just once and Id be fixed
How dare you Get out of my room
I only did it because I love you Youre the only one I want even now
Shut up Disgusting perverted traitor slut Im not like you Not at all I hate you I never want to see you again
Julius and I met in the parlor. "Good morning."
"Your staff is prudish." I must have looked puzzled, because he continued, "The men. I flirt but they don't respond."
If I married him it would make me a woman. "Tell me more."
"That's what I hire the men for. I presume that's what you hire the women for, but all women are equally ugly to me." When I said nothing he said, "You don't need to pretend. You're like me."
"No I'm not." I knew I had lowered the temperature of the room. I tried to raise it but couldn't.
"They're here for our pleasure. That's all."
"I've never wanted that."
He made a sharp laugh. "Conventional morality keeps the lower classes obedient. It doesn't apply to me and you. We do what we like. Your sister's boyfriend would be mine within two weeks."
"Kristoff's not a pervert."
"I destroy men who refuse me. I take away their property, their livelihoods, their family, everything. They all succumb. By the end they beg for it."
"Haven't you ever been in love?"
"There's no such thing. There's only lust. Lust, and my cock, and men's backsides."
I gazed at the family portrait that hung on the wall, me and Anna and Kristoff and Sven and Olaf. "This won't work. Between us, I mean."
"What, did you want to pretend to be a couple? Did you want me to simper into your ear before I went to my men and you went to your women? When everyone knows what we really are?"
"That's not who I am."
"That's all anyone is. The meaning of life is to take what you can before you die."
"Not for us." I stood. "You don't fit in here." I left.
But
Tears pouring from her eyes her cracking voice Get out of here Get out Get out
But I love you
I hate you
"and he has been the truest of friends. You should marry him. He'll be a fine husband." Last paragraph. "I love you, Anna. Goodbye." I signed the letter and while the ink dried I cleaned my pen and read the letter again in the dim light from the half-used candle and had to hold back tears but I was resolved
blew out the candle went to my balcony and looked out at the city under the stars and the warm glow of lanterns and hearth fires lighting streets and houses in which wakeful people were fulfilled with their abundance of husbands and wives and lovers but i was deformed and an abomination and wanted only to corrupt my sister as the wind whipped my braid against my shoulder i gripped the railing leaned over to look at the ground far enough beneath me that i couldn't make out the individual paving stones sat on the railing and swung my left leg over then my right sat watching the stars the heavens damning me and the tears on my face i jumped
falling
falling I hate you
falling Now Ive betrayed Anna too
She still loves you She loved you when you were little She loved you when you were locked in your room She loved you when you froze the kingdom and left
She wont love me now
Shell never stop loving you no matter what you do
snow snow snow snow for anna
more snow more snow more snow
anna anna anna anna
landed on a pillow powder all over me everything white i turned over couldnt find up couldnt hear or see tasted the snow in my mouth felt only snow with my arm kicked my legs there was no ground i spun around again called for anna but was already screaming muffled throat raw against the snow it fell on my side i found up thrashed my arms dug into the snow it kept falling on me couldnt move still screaming for anna
shouting hands touching my leg cant see anyone i kick heart racing more voices rough hands tugging snow sliding against my body kristoffs hands anna in her nightgown i run legs give way trip skinned knees soft arms around me rocking me shushing me i couldnt see through my tears didnt even know i was crying nightgown blotting my face
im sorry im sorry im no good i cant even kill myself
dont do it
youd be better off without me
dont do it
its what i deserve for being what i am you hate me so the only thing i have left is to die but i cant do it because i still want you to love me
im so sorry i was scared
im disgusting
lips against mine hands pulling my head to hers try to shake my head away i corrupted her tender kisses
dont dont be like me you can be normal you have kristoff
i love you too i always loved you
you dont have to say that for me i know you hate me
no i always loved you like a woman
you want kristoff more than me
i love him too and i thought i could find someone for you and then we could all be normal together and when it didnt work i was mad because i was selfish
youre never selfish im selfish im sick because of what i want
no im selfish all the time thats why i pretended i didnt love you and why i was jealous over kristoff because i was scared of what id be without him
how come youre not mad at me
of course im mad but i still love you and ill love you until the end of time
the crocus scent filled my nostrils and her eyes reflected the starlight and she touched her forehead to mine and her tears dripped onto my face as our noses brushed and i shut my eyes and our lips met and i didnt resist her
My breaths were heavy and labored. "But you know what I am."
Anna pulled me to my feet. "You're my sister and my lover and everything I ever wanted."
Then Kristoff came and hugged us both, and he and Anna kissed, and Anna and I kissed again, and then Kristoff and I kissed but tentatively because it wasn't the same between us. Which was how it would always be, but it was fine.