I'll Love You Endlessly
Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South."And anything you recognize isn't mine either.
A/N: I came up with this idea while I was swimming. Let me know what you think!
It's plain to see it's trying to speak
Cherished dreams forever asleep
Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes
"Endlessly" by Muse
John Thornton walked into the IHOP he had driven by every day for the past four years. It was past midnight on Friday, and the place looked to be full of people. Usually he tried to avoid places like that, but today he just really wanted some pancakes, and where else to go but to the International House of Pancakes.
"Hello sir, how many in your party?" the lady at the front desk asked him.
"One, just one," John said.
"Right this way," the lady grabbed a menu and sat him at a booth in the corner. "Your waiter will be with you shortly."
John merely nodded before the lady walked away. He took off his blazer and loosened his tie. It had been a hard day at work today, a case he had been working on had gotten more complicated after one of his clients gave him evidence that they hadn't disclosed before, and it was two weeks before the court hearing.
He glanced around the restaurant; there were groups of people laughing loudly all around, no doubt coming to eat after a night of partying. He smiled to himself, before running a weary hand through his black hair. It was getting long he needed to cut it. He caught his reflection in one of the mirrors on the wall. He had bags underneath his black eyes, there was stubble on his chin, and there was an overall depressing look about him, the look that had never managed to go away that fateful day four years ago. He looked like a ghost, no doubt from spending the past years immersed in his work, he thought it would help him forget.
He turned back to his menu even though he knew what he wanted, the original buttermilk pancakes. He was looking at his menu, trying not to fall asleep, when he heard the waiter.
"Hi, my name is Margaret and I will be your waiter for this evening. Can I get you a drink to start off?"
Margaret, he hadn't heard that name in so long. And he must have been dreaming because that voice sounded awfully familiar.
He looked up and froze, his eyes meeting those bright green eyes he hadn't seen in so many years.
"Margaret!"
"Oh my g-d, John!"
It was the night of his graduation, and he had wanted nothing more than to go to dinner with the woman he hoped would very soon be his fiancée.
"You look beautiful," he whispered into her ear, his hand on the small of her back, which was exposed with the black gown she was wearing.
"John, you're making me blush."
"But it's true Margaret, you're so beautiful," he said as he stared into her bright green eyes, her red hair cascading off her shoulders, the shoulders he had kissed so many times.
"The way you keep complimenting I'm going to very soon be in danger of being vain. Besides, its you who should be getting the compliments, Mr. Thornton, future Supreme Court Justice," she laughed as she put her arm through his as their waiter showed them their table.
Dinner was a smooth affair. They talked about nothing in specific, and sometimes they said nothing at all. But in the moments of silence, it wasn't awkward; it was more of a delicious silence.
After dinner, he had suggested they go for a walk in the park, the park where they had met. They reached the highest hill that overlooked the city and sat on the bench, Margaret in his arms.
"Margaret," he whispered into her ear.
"Mmh?" she sounded sleepy.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
He kissed her, it was a chaste kiss, but afterwards they pressed their foreheads together, staring into each other's eyes. It seemed that there was nothing that could go wrong. Until he spoke:
"Margaret Hale, will you marry me?"
She pulled away from him and sat up straight. She didn't say anything, instead of meeting his gaze she looked out to the city bright with lights.
"Margaret, answer me please," his voice was desperate after her minute of silence.
"I'm so sorry John," she said, her eyes filled with sadness. "I can't marry you, not now."
"Margaret…" he said, his heart felt like it was breaking in two, but he managed to control himself.
"Can you please take me home?" she said as she stood up. John nodded as he led her to his car, her hand slipped into his and she squeezed it reassuringly.
Before she got out of the car, she kissed his cheek and told him she loved him.
That was the last he saw of her, because the next day she was gone. He hadn't seen or heard from her in four years. And now, here she was standing in front of him, taking his order.
"I… where… four years…" he managed to get out.
"I know," she said, her arms falling to her side, she looked down.
"I thought you were dead," he said, his head in his hands now.
"John, please, now is not the time. My shift ends in an hour, we can talk then," she said this and went away without taking his order. In her place came another waiter, John just ordered coffee, he was no longer hungry. He just wanted to talk to her, to hold her in his arms, to kiss her lips one more time.
When his coffee came he drank it in one gulp, the hot liquid burning his mouth and his esophagus, but he didn't even flinch. He was numb with pain, the pain he had just recently managed to forget, the pain of losing the one person he loved in the world. The pain of the unknown, of not knowing what had happened to her, and not knowing if he was the cause of it all.
The hour passed like an eternity, but soon enough he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"John?" she said, he looked up.
"Ready to go?" she nodded and he paid for his coffee.
"Bye Rachel, see you tomorrow!" Margaret waved to the person at the front desk before she followed John out of the restaurant and into the dark night.
They walked for about a block, neither of them speaking, but each immersed in their own thoughts, the questions they had for each other, the answers they wanted, but neither was brave enough to speak first.
"Mar—"
"Jo—"
"Go ahead."
"No, you go."
"How long have you been working there?" it was a safe place to start.
"About a year now. Not too long. What about you, working at the Marlborough firm?"
"Ever since I graduated."
"Four years, that's a long time."
"Yes, four years is too long."
They continued walking a long, he snuck a glance at her, her face was sad, but there was hope in her eyes, the hope that his eyes didn't have.
He spoke again, daring to break the silence. "Why did you leave?"
She sighed audibly, before stopping in front of some apartment building, probably where she lived. "It's a long story, do you want to come up?"
"Sure." He watched in silence as she fumbled for her keys, her hands were trembling and she couldn't get the key into the hole. Luckily someone was just leaving the apartment building and opened the gate for them.
The elevator ride to her floor was torture; the silence was almost palpable.
They reached her apartment, her hands trembling so much she dropped the keys.
"I'll do it." He reached for the keys and managed to open the door before handing the keys back to her. She smiled and took the keys out of his hands, her fingers barely touching his skin.
She walked inside and turned on the lights. John followed and closed the door behind them. He looked around the spacious apartment.
"I'm home!" she said loudly.
"Are you sure it's not any trouble having me here?" he said, suddenly panicked. Maybe she was married; he had failed to consider that. After all, maybe she was over him, and he was just the one thinking that he could somehow get her back.
"Oh don't worry, Bessy probably isn't even home, gone out with her boyfriend most likely," she smiled as she led him over to a sofa. "Well make yourself at home while I go change out of this ridiculous outfit." She smiled once again before disappearing behind one of the doors.
John looked after her, wondering how it was that she managed to stay smiling for so long when he was sure he hadn't smiled like that in years. She seemed so happy, he felt guilty for intruding in her life again.
"So, would you like some coffee? Tea?" she said as she came back, now out of her uniform and in some comfortable yoga pants and her old college t-shirt.
"Coffee would be fine," he said as he watched her fill up the coffee machine before she sat down at the other side of the couch.
He looked at her, but she was staring off into space. He thought she looked prettier than he remembered. All of a sudden her shoulders started shaking, her head buried in her hands, she was sobbing uncontrollably. He wanted so much to hold her in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be fine, but his arms remained useless at his sides.
"I'm so sorry, you don't want to see me like this," she tried to smile as she wiped tears off her face, her eyes red.
"It's my fault, I should go," he said uncomfortably as he was about to get up.
"No, please don't leave me, please," she said as she grabbed his wrist, he sat down again. He wanted so much to hear what he had to say, but he would rather suffer with not knowing than have her recount whatever it was that made her suffer so. "I have to say this. You have a right to know."
"I don't want to know if it's too hard for you."
"John, please be quiet," she said playfully in the way she used to tell him to be quiet before she would kiss him, which would eventually lead to other things.
"Sorry, I won't interrupt you."
"Thank you," she grabbed one of the throw pillows on the couch and held it to her chest, letting out a sigh before she began.
"That day, after you dropped me off at my apartment, I realized that I had left my phone on my bed. I opened it and found thirty-seven missed calls, and twenty-one voice mails. I checked the missed calls first: half of them were from my Aunt Shaw, the other half were from my cousin Edith. I hadn't heard from them in years. Naturally, I panicked, why would they all of a sudden be so desperate to get in touch with me after so long? The first voice mail I listened to was my Aunt, she sounded like she was crying. She wanted me to call her as soon as I got her voicemail. I listened to all of them, alternately my aunt and my cousin, but each one became more incoherent, the sobbing could be heard more.
"I called my aunt, the phone rang twice before my aunt picked up. She started crying my name when she heard who it was, but because she couldn't say anything beyond that she made me talk to my cousin. She said I had to get on the first flight home. I asked her why. She started crying, and all I could understand was that someone was dead," Margaret started crying again, and this time John opened his arms to her, she immediately went into them.
"It's okay, I'm here," he mumbled into her ear, he had a feeling he knew what was coming.
"My parents, John! My parents were dead! And it was all my fault!"
"No it wasn't."
"Yes it was!" she pulled away from his arms, and grabbing the throw pillow, she threw it at the wall. "They were on a plane to come see me! They were coming to my graduation! I hadn't seen them in four years, and you know that I never called them. They were mad that I had decided to move so far to go to school, they couldn't understand why I needed to go. They had been pressuring my whole life to succeed, and I just wanted to get away. We constantly argued, but I had made my decision to go.
"They emailed my aunt, telling them that they were coming to see me. They said that they had finally realized their mistake and that they wanted nothing more than to ask my forgiveness. But they never had a chance! I never got to forgive them! I never got to ask their forgiveness for my attitude, I should have been grateful that they pushed me to be all that I could. They were the reason I got to get so many scholarships so that I could move far away for college. And I never got to thank them either."
John sat there, she had suffered so much, and he had not been there for her. "But why didn't you tell me? I could have been there for you."
"I couldn't John. I had just decided not to marry you, and I couldn't just ask you for help."
"But I loved you, even if you didn't want to marry me. I would have wanted to be there for you."
"I didn't think of that at the time. When I got to my aunt's house, I was in a daze. I hardly even remember the funeral; I was so shocked. I felt guilty John, I felt guilty for holding a grudge. I felt guilty that I didn't tell you why I didn't marry you. I had hurt the people I loved most in the world, my parents and you, and I didn't know how to fix it. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped caring. I fell into such a deep depression: I tried to kill myself. I overdosed some sleep pills that I had been taking to help me sleep. If it hadn't been for my cousin I would have died.
"My aunt checked me into a mental facility. I was there for a year. I didn't have any contact with the world around me except with the psychologist who talked to me every day. She tried to make me understand that it wasn't my fault my parents died. I went along with it, I just wanted to get out, I just wanted to see you again because I knew that you were the only one who could help me. Only you could take the pain away.
"And looked for you, I got in touch with Bessy Higgins, my best friend who I also hadn't talked to in all that time. She let me move in with her, here. She hadn't seen you either. We didn't know where you were, but all that time, I never stopped loving you. I dreamed that one day you would come back into my life and take all this pain away."
Margaret finished with a sigh; the tears were still falling down her face.
He knelt down beside her and took her hands in his before kissing them.
"Why didn't you want to marry me even though you loved me?"
"Because I wanted to finish my career first. I didn't want to be a burden, to hold you down. I wanted to be able to support myself so that you could achieve your dream."
"But you were my dream. When I thought of my future, I thought of you. Margaret, I have never stopped loving you."
"Neither did I," she looked at him, and he got up and held her in his arms.
"I want to take your pain away Margaret, I want to be there for you when you need me. Because that will take my pain away."
"I'm so sorry that you had to suffer for my actions."
"That's in the past now."
She nodded.
"Do you want to take my pain away?" he asked softly
"Yes, more than anything in the world."
"Then, Margaret Hale, will you marry me? Will you marry me so that we can take each other's pain away?"
"Yes John Thornton! I'll marry you," she said, tears of happiness in her eyes now. He kissed her and held her in his arms, never wanting to let her go again.
There would be no more pain in their lives again.