Back to You
By angellwings
"It always comes around.
Back to you.
I tried to forget you.
I tried to stay away,
But it's too late."
-John Mayer, "Back to You"
"We broke up."
As I said the words out loud I imagined several responses. I saw shocked horror, extreme sympathy, and jubilant celebration. But I never once imagined the bored and apathetic expression that appeared on Caitlyn's face.
"Uh huh," Caitlyn said as she rolled her eyes at me.
"Cait? Did you hear me?" I asked as I reached for my wine glass.
"I heard you, but, Mitch, you and Shane 'break up' every few months. It's not exactly startling news," Caitlyn said with a wry grin. "In fact, I've sort of been expecting it. So, what was it this time?"
"He gave me a blender for our anniversary," I said with a huff. "Can you believe that? A blender!"
Caitlyn looked at me expectantly as I sipped my wine. "So? You and I were looking at them the other day, remember? You said you wanted one."
"Yes, but not as an anniversary present. I mean, how am I supposed to take that?" I snapped in annoyance. "What does that mean?"
"Um, I think it means he wants you to blend things. Like smoothies, milkshakes, and margaritas—oh, please, make margaritas! I need regular exposure to margaritas," Caitlyn said with a smirk.
"No, I'll tell you what it means. It means he wants me to be a happy little home maker. Typical male. He expects me to stay at home and do the washing, cleaning, and cooking. That is not going to happen. No way," I said as I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Whoa, chica, slow down. I thought I was the one with the over developed feminist attitude?" Caitlyn asked teasingly with a laugh.
I smiled softly at her and chuckled. "You are."
"Then why are you reading so much into this blender? I mean, all I see is a very useful kitchen appliance," Caitlyn said honestly.
I'd been asking myself that all week. Why did Shane's gift bother me so much? Why did a blender, of all things, set me off? Honestly, it was the best anniversary gift I'd gotten from Shane in years. It was something I could actually use. Unlike last year when he gave me cooking lessons with an instructor who could have been June Cleaver reincarnated. These cooking lessons were insulting on two levels. One: they were on things like boiling water or making toast. I may not have inherited my mother's cooking talents but I did know how to do the small basic things. Two: June Cleaver kept saying things about how a "proper wife and mother" would conduct herself. She was a Stepford Wife on steroids.
And yet, that present did not cause me to break up with Shane. So, why was I freaking out over a blender?
"He's done way worse stuff, Mitch. At least he remembered this one. Don't you think you might be overreacting?" Caitlyn asked hesitantly.
I paused and massaged the bridge of my nose. "I don't even know any more, Cait. We keep having these blow outs over these stupid things, and I'm not sure they're really about anything at all. Is it possible to fight just to fight? I just don't know."
"Well, do you love him?" Caitlyn asked.
"Yes," I answered honestly.
"And does he love you?"
"I…think so," I told her thoughtfully.
"You think so? Have either of you ever said the words?" Caitlyn asked with a furrowed brow.
"A couple of times before, but…we don't say them a lot," I admitted sheepishly. "I keep waiting for him to say it first."
"Ah," Caitlyn said with a nod. "Then that's your problem. You're both frustrated. He's probably waiting on you just like you're waiting on him, and instead of doing something about it you're just taking everything out on each other. That's my opinion, at least."
I thought about that for a moment. She was right. Shane and I didn't say how we felt enough. But I was too afraid to initiate it. I didn't want to seem overly emotional or clingy, but maybe Shane took that as me being distant. I knew I'd thought the same about him more than once before. I sighed and smiled sadly at my best friend. "When did you become so insightful?"
"No idea, but I blame Jason," Caitlyn said with a laugh. "I was happy letting things build up and then explode, but he says that's unhealthy."
I took the rest of the day to think about what Caitlyn had said. I knew she was right. I just needed to decide what to do. I could track Shane down and we could talk this out, and maybe stop this vicious cycle we'd created. Or I could ignore it and just move on with my life. I laughed at that thought. Move on from Shane? Was that possible? Somehow we always ended up running back to each other whether we intended to or not. We were magnets. We were both drawn to and repelled by one another, and there's nothing either of us can do about it. We're stuck. For good.
For good…
But was it really for the better? I smiled softly as I thought back. In retrospect, the bad times didn't seem as bad as I'd made them out to be and the good times…
In the good times Shane made me happier than anyone else I'd ever known. I couldn't just turn my back on that. I loved him. I sighed and suddenly had my answer. I called Shane's cell and was surprised when he picked up on the first ring.
"Mitchie," He said softly. "I was just about to call you."
I smiled and bit my bottom lip nervously. "You were?"
"Yes," He admitted. "I miss you."
"I miss you too."
"We need to talk. Do you realize that this is the tenth time we've broken up since we started dating? The tenth time. We can't keep doing this," Shane said with a sigh.
"Well, what do you suggest?" I asked curiously. "What do you want?"
"I…want to be with you," Shane said in a quiet tone. "Everything comes back to you, Mitchie. My happiness is centered around yours. We can't break up every time we have a fight. That has to stop."
"I agree," I said with a small gulp. "Are you at the studio?"
"Yes."
"Meet me in the lobby?" I asked. "This needs to be discussed in person."
"Okay, I'll see you there in a few minutes," Shane said. "I lo—"
I froze when he cut himself off. Was he going to say what I thought he was going to say? "What?"
"Nothing. Nothing. Just, um, see you soon," He said nervously.
"Yeah, you too," I said in a disappointed tone as I hung up. I walked briskly toward the studio. It wasn't far from where I was. It was just a couple of blocks away. I reached the front doors of the studio just as Shane entered the lobby. He saw me and smiled gently.
"Hi," he said with a small wave.
"Hi," I said with a nod.
"Conference room?" He asked as he glanced around at the crowded lobby.
I nodded and followed him down the hall to an empty room with a long table and tall chairs.
He locked the door behind us and then turned to me expectantly. "I think we're clear."
"We've been dating on and off for five years, right?" I asked after a moment of silence.
He nodded. "Yes."
"Then, it shouldn't be too soon for me to ask…well, for me to want to know…"
I took a deep breath as my sentence trailed off. I didn't know how to ask what I wanted to ask. My brain wasn't finding the words.
"Mitchie?" Shane asked worriedly. "Ask me what?"
I squared my shoulders and stood up straight. I could do this. I gulped and gave him a questioning look. "Do you love me?"
He blinked at me for a moment before he cleared his throat to speak. "Do you love me?"
I rolled my eyes at him. "I asked you first."
"But I—"
"Just tell me, Shane. Do you love me or not?"
"Yes," He said with a small nervous smile. "Of course, I love you. You?"
"I love you," I answered. "Always have."
"So then why do we keep doing this?" Shane asked in confusion.
"Because we're insecure about it. We don't say it enough, Shane. I think…if we were more secure about how we feel about…us we wouldn't have these blow ups and break ups that we do," I said with a sigh. "We need to say those words more often. If we want this to really and truly work, that is."
"We want it to work," Shane said with a nod. "I want this to be the last time we break up and make up."
I smiled slowly at him. "Okay, then we really work at this. We make a big effort."
He took a step closer and grinned at me. "Agreed."
I took a step closer as well and he leaned his lips down to hover over mine. He smirked at me. He finally closed the distance between us and kissed my lips softly and slowly. He pulled away and looked at me seriously.
"It's always going to be you, Mitchie," He said as he gazed at me warmly. "You have to know that it all comes back to you."
"Promise?" I asked as I felt my eyes begin to water.
He nodded. "Promise."