Safe
Summary: He can battle the monsters of the night. But in the light, there is nowhere to hide. Remus Lupin ponders his godson's fears. Companion piece to Here there be monsters.
Harry hates the light.
You could never bring him to admit it. He's the Golden Boy, the Saviour, the Hero. He's supposed to be the embodiment of the light, the mascot of the war, Dumbledore's protégée. He's supposed to adore the light which he symbolises and promotes, and hate the darkness which he fights, the darkness which should never be part of him. But while everyone expects him to be perfect, I watch him, and I can see it.
It is part of him, always there, no matter how he hides beneath his golden mask. It's in the way he always used to sit in the back of the room, the way he never seemed to go outside but for quidditch, and even that was quit long ago. It's in the way he almost hides from the sun, always closing his drapes around his bed, always sitting in the shade. He's almost an insomniac these days, you know. He sleeps so much during the daytime, as if the sun isn't there when he can't see it, and when he's awake he stays in the dark rooms, hidden corridors, the shadows.
He loves to wander the school at night, though. Cloaked, so no one can see his face, or in his invisibility cloak if he can. After a while, you fail to notice when he's there. He's good at that, blending into the shadows. Maybe that's one of the reasons he was intended for Slytherin, a place where he could be ignored, and where he could be himself. He brings out his Slytherin side more now, but after pushing his friends away in sixth year, hardly anyone notices if he's even there, let alone how he hurts. Except for me.
He prefers it that way, I think. He's been in the wizarding world long enough to know the ills of attention. Some years, the world vilified him, turning against him, spitting hatred when all he did was serve them. Other years they adored him, placing him on a pedestal he could never deserve in his own mind. Expecting him to save the day, sending him on more and more dangerous missions. And always the prying, wanting to know every aspect of his life, never any privacy or solitude.
Yes, I can see why he would crave the darkness.
It began in his childhood, I think. He never tells anyone the full story, and I doubt he ever will. He's learned to accept it, maybe he thinks it's his punishment for perceived wrongs, guilt which the world freely shoves at him, his punishment for his ordeals. But from what he's let slip, I can paint a bleak picture.
I know that the Dursleys never wanted him; even Dumbledore, try as he does to justify himself, knew that he was condemning Harry to ten long years of hatred. But I've seen bruises on his arms occasionally, I've seen him wince in the sunlight, I've seen the way his bones stick out against his skin when he returns with that deathly pallor. He told me once of the cupboard under the stairs, where he used to live, of cooking and slavery and 'Harry hunting'.
You would think that growing up in a cupboard, a world of darkness, a child would yearn for the light. But Harry learnt at a very young age, far too young, that there was safety in being ignored. When he was in the cupboard, there were no insults, no beatings, no hard work. In the darkness he was safe, free to imagine a better world, free to be himself instead of hiding all his achievements. Eventually he would have learnt to draw the darkness around him as a shield, hiding him from the world, keeping him safe.
When no one comforted him after his nightmares, no one eased his pain, he learnt to be strong, to defy the monsters of the night. Some of his nightmares these days would turn most people into a crying wreck, but he's stronger than that, he doesn't let them destroy him. Better the imaginings in the night, than the hard truth of reality.
And he can fight the monsters of the night. He can slay the basilisk, vanquish the troll, escape the acromantula and the werewolf. He can defy Voldemort, defeat the Death Eaters. These monsters pose no threat to him anymore. He can beat Draco Malfoy at everything he does. In the night he is victorious, he is undefeated, he is safe. It's in the daylight that he gets hurt.
It's the light of friendship that hurts him most, as yet another friend dies. So Harry defies the light of friendship, and finds refuge in the darkness of hate. Harry seems to go out of his way to fight with the Malfoy boy, to conquer him, to beat him. Maybe he thinks that if he can turn Malfoy to the light, Death Eater child that he is, he can conquer his own inner darkness. But really, I think he craves Malfoy's acknowledgement. Malfoy doesn't expect anything of him, doesn't pry into his life, doesn't see him as a hero. With Malfoy, Harry is surrounded by darkness, and he knows that in darkness he is safe. I don't think even he realises how much he craves the darkness of the Slytherin.
Yes, Harry can deal with the darkness. He can fight the monsters, he can conquer the Malfoy boy, he can defy the expectations. In the light, Harry has to be perfect. But in the darkness, he cannot be seen, and when no one can see him, he's safe.