Author's Note: This is my first fanfiction. This is a one-shot,inspired by the song Breaking Inside from Shinedown and Lzzy Hale. It's mainly Dimitri's internal rambling in Last Sacrifice during their reunion. English is not my first language so sorry for my mistakes. Please review!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to talented Richelle Mead.
Breaking inside in a hotel room
We were sitting face to face with Roza. She was in mental pain, I knew that, but she tried to mimick my face the guardian mask she hated. She still hadn't learned that, for that I was grateful, because this way I could tell what she was feeling. I wanted so badly to tell her one thing what would make her less miserable, but I can't, if she would know how much I love her. I couldn't tell her, because I can't forgive myself for Siberia. I've been twisted and evil, but it had been still me.
I still felt the burning ache in my throat sometimes. I still flinched when I looked into the mirror, because I still remembered my red ringed eyes, and when I swept my teeth with my tongue, I was still afraid that it would hit my fangs.
Nobody understood me. Only Sonya, because she had been through almost the same. I hurt Roza so badly, I wanted to change her into something she hated with all of her heart. I wanted immortality, and i wanted her beside me, no I needed her by my side for selfish intentions. She said she had already forgiven me. I doubt it though, as I doubt it that anybody could really forgive me.
I laughed histerically inside, because for God's sake here we were in a hotel room and Rose was blaming herself for killing a bastard from self defense. It was ridiculous. I told her, Sonya told her, Jill told her that it wasn't her fault, but she kept blaming herself over and over again. I wanted to embrace her so badly it actually hurt, but I just couldn't. I wanted to feel her, and make her mine every way a man could make a women his, but I just couldn't. I was sitting there, and tried to comfort her with words that didn't betray much emotion, but still comforting, but it's useless I found no words. There she was crying over something that stupid and I couldn't do anything to make her feel better. I couldn't encircle her with my arms and whisper soothing Russian words in her ear, make love to her just like we did in the cabin.
Oh boy that had been the best day of my life. Her smooth skin on mine, the way her body swayed, her lips the way they tasted and how she had been showing me the love she was feeling back then, there I doubted it that she could love me anymore, and I didn't blame her for that. She had been more than willing to help me, she claimed that she loved me, back in the church, but then again I made a huge mistake. I said her four words. Just four small words, but they had so huge effect on her that I saw her world came crashing down around her and so had mine. That day I cried myself to sleep. I had never cried except for when Lissa brought me back. For God's sake I'm a 6foot 7" Russian giant I can't let myself cry. I had hurt my Roza even more. I mentally chastished myself : She is not yours anymore. She is with Adrian. I was internally rambling and I didn't pay full attention to what was Roza saying. But suddenly she said something what made me listen to her completely.
„ I should have been stronger than it . I was weak."
Roza weak? Never. She is so strong it's why I love her. Suddenly I didn't know what to say.
„You aren't one expects you to be."
I love you and nothing else matters…I added mentally.
„I do. What I did… What I did was unforgivable."
What the fuck? Is she crazy? Oh Roza don't do this to yourself.
„That…that's crazy, Rose. You can't punish yourself for something you had no power over."
I was shocked and angry now.
„Yeah? Then why are you still..." she stopped. I knew what she wanted to say that I do the same, but I was no longer. Then she asked.
„When? When did it change? When did you realize you could keep living—even after all that guilt?"
I was surprised. She learned control. I thought about it a moment or so. Then I said.
„I'm not sure. In bits, really." it was true. „When Lissa and Abe first came to me about breaking you out, I was ready to do it because she asked me to. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was personal too. i couldn't stand the thought of you locked in a cell, being cut off from the world. It wasn't right. No one should live like that, and it occured to me that I was doing the same- by choice.I was cutting myself off from the world with guilt and self-punishment. I had a second chance to live, and I was throwing it away."
She was looking in my eyes. I focused on hers and I was sinking deep into those deep brown eyes I loved so much.
„You heard me talk about this before. About my goal to appreciate life's little details. And the more we continued on our journey, the more I remembered who I was. Not just a fighter. Fighting is easy. It's why we fight that matters, and in the alley that night with Donovan…that was the moment i could have crossed over into someone who fights just to senselessly kill—but you pulled me back, Rose."
And then I wanted to pull her back and be there for her.
„That was the turning point. You saved me just as Lissa saved me with the stake. I knew then that in order to leave the Strigoi part of me behind, I had to fight through to be what they aren't. I had to embrace what they reject: beauty, love, honor"
She was thinking about this a moment.
„Then you should understand. You said it: honor. It matters. We both know it does. I've lost mine. I lost it out there in the parking lot when I killed an innocent."
„And I've killed hundreds, people much more innocent than Victor Dashkov."
I tried again. Oh my God she is so stubborn, I love her.
„It's not the same! You couldn't help it!"
Control Roza…control. But she kept on speaking.
„Why are we repeating the same things over and over?"
„Because they aren't sinking in! You couldn't help it either."
By this time my patience was cracking. Then again my Zen master side came to the surface. I knew she hates it but I couldn't help it.
„Feel guilty. Mourn this. But move on. Don't let it destroy you. Forgive yourself."
Suddenly she leapt to her feet, catching me by surprise. She leaned down, putting us face to face.
„Forgive myself? That's what you want? You of all people?"
I barely managed a nod.
„Then tell me this. You say you moved past the guilt, decided to revel in life and all that. I get it. But have you, in your heart, really forgiven yourself? I told you a long time ago that I forgave you for everything in Siberia, but what about you? Have you done it?"
She had a point. I tried to save myself. I'm a bastard. Calm down Dimka, calm down you're a fool yeah, but a cold Russian fool for God's can't crack like this.
By that time I wanted to slam her into the wall and attack her lips with so much passion that it would leave both of us breathless. Dimitri don't think about this. I was in an internal war with myself. I'm insane.
„I just said-„
„No. It's not the same. You're telling me to forgive myself and move on. But you won't do it yourself. You're a hypocrite, comrade. We're either both guilty or both innocent. Pick"
Roza don't do this to me. She is more beautiful when she is angry. I couldn't let her know my feelings. Instead I stood up and looked down at her.
„It's not that simple."
She crossed her arms over her chest. Roza please….
„It's that simple. We're the same! Even Sonya says we are. We've always been the same, and we're both acting the same stupid way now. We hold ourselves up to a higher standard than everyone else."
What? What about Sonya. I frowned.
„I—Sonya, What does she have to do with any of this?"
„She said our auras match. She said we light up around each other. She says it means you still love me and that we're in sync, and… I don't know I shouldn't have mentioned it. We shouldn't buy into this aura stuff when it comes from magic users who are already half-insane."
She wandered across the room. I was stunned. I couldn't breathe. Sonya knows. I couldn't pretend anymore. Oh my self-control was cracking. I thought she murmured something.
„What are you saying?"
„I'm saying I forgive myself. That doesn't make everything perfect, but it's a start. Who knows? Maybe that outburst in the parking lot let out some of the darkness Sonya says is in my aura. Skeptic that I am, I have to give her some point, that all I needed was a spark"
Oh that was the time. Roza… oh my beautiful Roza.Then I couldn't control myself anymore.
„She was right about something else too." It slipped out.
„What's that?"
Dimitri do it don't be afraid she already told you her feelings, and it's already too late so you can loose nothing. I encouraged myself mentally.
„That I do still love you."
She just stared at me. Oh she doesn't love me anymore. She can't after everything I've done. I thought. By this time I almost had tears in my eyes.
„Since..Since when?"
„Since …forever" I said truthfully. She needed an explanation.
„I denied it when I was restored. I had no room for anything in my heart except guilt. I especially felt guilty about you- what I'd done- and I pushed you away. I put up a wall to keep you safe. It worked for a while- until my heart finally started accepting other emotions. And it all came back. Everything I felt for you. It had never left, it was just hidden from me until I was ready. I looked at you… saw your goodness, your hope, and your faith. Those are what makes you beautiful. So, so beautiful."
I was rambling I knew but I couldn't help it. I was so scared.
„So it wasn't my hear" she joked.
„No. Your hair was beautiful too. all of you. You were amazing when we first met, and somehow, inexplicably, you've come even farther. You've always been pure, raw energy, and now you control it. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I'm glad to have had that love for you in my life. I regret losing it. I would give anything—anything—in the world to go back and change history. To run into your arms after Lissa brought me back. To have a life with you. It's too late, of course, but I've accepted it." I was rambling again. Then she asked.
„Why… why is it too late?" How can she ask that?
„Because of Adrian. Because you've moved on." She wanted to interupt.
„No listen You were right to do that after how I treated you. And more than anything else, I want you to be happy once we clear your name and get Jill recognized. You said he yourself he makes you happy. You said you love him."
I was breaking inside, but I loved her so much that I had to make this sacrifice for her. I couldn't confuse her.
„But you just said you love me. That you want to be with me." What?
„And I told you: I'm not going to pursue another man's girlfriend. You want to talk honor? There it is in its purest form." She walked towards me. Oh noo Roza stop. If you come closer I will take you. Please just stop. But she didn't. She stood in front of me. She placed her hands on my chest burning holes where, she touched me. My heart was banging in my chest. I reached up and grabbed her wrists, but I couldn't push her away. I just hold her there.
„You should have told me." She said. Roza please don't push it.
„You should have told me this long a long time ago. I love you. I've never stopped loving you. You have to know that." What? She didn't stop loving me? What about Adrian? My breath caught. It's too late he had her. She is his. I bet he made her his.
„It wouldn't have made any difference. Not with Adrian involved, I mean it. I won't be that guy, Rose. I won't be that man who takes someone else's woman. Now, please. Let go. Don't make this any more difficult." I begged her, but in my head I encouraged her to break my self-control and let me have her. Or just that she tell me that she was never Adrian's. She splayed her fingers.
„I don't belong to him." She pushed close to me our bodies touching. I felt the sparks. The connection that I missed for so long. I don't belong to anyone. I make my own choices."
„ And you're with Adrian." And I don't blame you I added.
„ But I was meant for you." Oh I was waiting for this so long. Oh Roza.
She reached up and brought us together for a kiss. This time we didn't broke apart. It was slow at first but than it became heated and I was craving more. I lifted her on the bed and started to reach for the hem of her dress. I melted at her touch. I needed this for so long I loved her more than anything in the world. I needed her more than oxygen itself, and I wanted her more than a drug addict wanted its hit.
We fall on the bed together me on top. What happened next was pure love. We couldn't get enough of each other.
After we finished we laid under the covers limbs entwined. We still couldn't get close enough.
„I'm glad you gave in. I'm glad your self-control isn't as strong as mine." I was surprised, I had to laugh.
„Roza my self-control is ten times stronger than yours." She looked up me stroking my cheek.
„Oh yeah? That's not the impression I just got." I had to warn her as a mischievous thought crept into my mind. I smiled at her seductively.
„Wait until next time, I'll do things that'll make you lose control within seconds." She blushed again and burried her face in my chest. I laughed until she spoke again.
„There may not be a next time." I froze. Why she didn't enjoy it? What did I do wrong? Was I to much or not enough?
„What? Why?"
„We have a couple of things to do before this happens again." Guilt crept into me.
„Adrian" She nodded.
„And that's my problem, so put your honorable thoughts aside. I have to face gim and answer for this. I will. And you.." I was scared what do I have to do?
„You still have to forgive yourself if we're going to be together." Oh my God. I can't please Roza not this again.
„Rose…"
„I'm serious. You have to forgive yourself. For real. Everyone else has. If you can't, then you can't go on either. We can't." That was it. The task that I was already scared of before I even heard it from her mouth. I wanted her so badly. But how could I forgive myself while in my dreams I still see my Strigoi-self sinking its fangs into my precious Roza's neck. I just can't I'm not ready.
„I don't know, I don't know if I can—if I'm ready." Dimitri you have to Roza is at stake. You have to you love her with all your heart and much more. You can't lose her again.
„Decide soon then, You don't have to right this second, but eventually…" Oh this is my strong Roza. She stood up for herself. We were really equals now.
After that she fall asleep on my chest and I was thinking about my maybe our -I hope so- future. She was right I had to forgive myself, but I didn't know how to sart. I had a nightmare almost every night.
I am on the rescue mission back in the caves near the academy. Then the blond Strigoi comes and bites me. I feel the high of the endorphins and then everything goes black. When I wake up I am in a room, I don't feel anything just the burning in my throat. I am thirsty- blood thirsty. Then the scene is changing and I am behind a club in a dark alley, I hunt down a young girl, because she reminds me of my Roza.
I killed hundreds of people in my nightmares and the sad truth was that I killed them in realty too. At the end of every nightmare there was a Strigoi over a girl.
Me hovering over Roza's body. I am kissing her neck and she moans softly. Suddenly I feel thirsty I feel my fangs growing and then I look into her eyes and she let out a piercing scream before I get back to her neck this time sinking my fangs in it and suck her blood until her body goes limp. Then I wake up panting and screaming „Nooo!" as tears are falling down my face.
How could I forgive myself when every night went exactly the same. Despite that, I have to admit, that the last few weeks I had less nightmares. I learned to love Roza again, to be honest I love her more than I have ever before. I'm falling in love with her over and over again every day. She is so beautiful I need to touch her 24/7, because if I can't I feel the insanity taking over me.
When we started to fall for each other I never let her down. I fought for her and helped her with everything I could. One day she said me I was a God. But when I got bitten in the caves the first time in my life I let her down. And after I was restored I let her down again when I pushed her away from me. That I will regret all of my life. But then again she had been there willing to help me, oh God I loved her.
I won't be the last one in line,
I finally figured out what's mine
So then and there I decided that I will never let her down again. I couldn't lose her again. I decided to try at least this forgivness thing. I sighed in contentment, I was liing there with my wonderful Roza sleeping on my chest in a warm bed. I knew that it's a start of a new begining. The begining of our new life together. Then I fall in a dreamless and very comfortable sleep.