My first crackfic
Soooooo not my fault:

(spoilers for the fic premise)

ladykate63: atrophy and I were chatting a bit today. She said (well, as a joke) that we should have written a story where Marian comes back from the Holy Land alive to find out that Robin and Guy have hooked up with each other.
ladykate63: Chapter 2: Marian buys a return ticket to the Holy Land.
Me: (laughter) My poor keyboard is covered with Mtn Dew again!
ladykate63: (laughter) Sorry!
Me: Can I write that crackfic? Please?
ladykate63: Sure!

So, everyone, I give you "Home is Where The Heart Is."

No beta. And written at 4:30 AM. You have been warned. Spoilers for season 2 of RH. (None of you seriously thought any of this scenario happened in season 3, did you?)

Home is Where The Heart Is
by Alicia (who doesn't want to admit it)

Marian strode off her horse in a fluid dismount, head held high. Standing tall was part of her guise as a returning soldier. But soon she would have a different reason for standing tall: she would be Lady Locksley, wife of Robin Hood, the most honored outlaw in all of England.

Or, she reflected, Lady Gisborne, a woman with power and status, who didn't have to sleep in the forest with a man who stank.

She was already married to Robin. They had said their vows in that desert as she lay flattened by the sword through her stomach, a sword that Guy had put there.

But Guy had proposed to her first. And Robin had pouted like a schoolboy.

She would be married to a man of true fame, or to a man of power. To a man she had loved since early childhood, or to a man who, awkwardly and embarrassingly, courted her with blindfolds and horses. To a man who treated her as his own, or to a man with a few qualities, which she hoped to nurture to life.

Guy had a better chest.

Ah, well, she'd be married to one of 'em, anyway.

Marian took her first few tentative steps into Nottingham, scanning the streets for Guy. Robin. Guy. Robin. Guy and Robin.

She found Guy and Robin. They were in the Sheriff's dance hall. Dancing. With each other. While Vaisey looked on with a jealous expression.

After Robin and Guy's third passionate kiss, Marian could take no more. She intended to yell, "stop, scoundrels," but all that came out was a "bwwaaaaaaaaaa," and she ran for her horse.

Just outside of Nottingham, Marian's borrowed horse threw a shoe. Marian let out a string of words that ladies never use. Then she spotted a handsome Saracen on a horse.

He looked impressed. "Where art thou headed?" he said in accented English.

"The Holy Land, please," Marian said, and she swung up behind him.

THE END

Rotten tomatoes? Chuck 'em my way. The kitten will chase them.