A/N: A short one-shot and experimentation with a different style of writing.
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Black
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Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
-Helen Keller
Some days, Mello stares himself down in a mirror and tells himself to stop being so difficult. Some days, he puts his head in his hands and wonders why (why, why, why?) he still can't find himself, when almost everyone around him, everyone he knows, already have. Some days, Mello thinks of crying, but doesn't have the courage to do it. It is not only that it isn't very becoming, but Matt would feel more than just awkward trying to comfort him.
Other days, Mello thinks of just giving it all up.
He has told Matt once or more times already, but who is counting anymore? Matt's first reaction is to stare at Mello in horror, and then tell him to lie down, because Matt thinks the strain of (securing L's position for himself, beating Near, beating Kira) life is starting to get to him.
"Maybe you shouldn't think so hard," Matt says at first. "I know none of this is easy, but you've got to remember that this is what you wanted. Giving up something you've started isn't fun, Mel, so keep going forward. You're going to get to where you want to be. You'll see."
Every time Mello thinks about it, he forgets how much he doesn't really know if he'll survive by the end of next year. Mello would pick himself up and work even harder, spending day after day struggling to keep playing in this game of war with Kira.
"I don't know if I'm moving forward, or if I'm standing still," Mello would say one day.
Matt would smile. "Are you kicking the asses of any monsters?"
It is an odd choice of wording, because the definition of a monster these days is very subjective. Majority of the public think criminals (like Mello) are monsters, and others think a monster would be scary, scaly and with jagged teeth, or antagonistic, or evil or-
"You're thinking too much again," Matt would say, chuckling. "It's a yes or no question, Mello."
Mello would shake his head, sit himself down, and rub his temples like it would make any difference for his ever present nausea. Mello thinks he is getting sick of everything. "How do you define a monster?"
"I don't know," Matt answers at first, and then he pauses. He purses his lips, thinks about it for a moment or two, and then changes his mind. He says, "Everyone has a bit of a monster in them. The worst monsters are the ones who turn a blind eye on things because they think their lives will be better, easier. The worst monsters are the ones who don't know they're wrong, the ones who give up something they have for something better or worse- the ones who don't think. They're ones in the dark."
Every time Mello thinks of a monster, he doesn't know what he sees. What he imagines isn't ever specific because Mello's thought processes are too fast for even him to register sometimes. But once in a while, he looks into a mirror and sizes himself up. He searches every inch of his face, from the curve of his nose to the specific shade of his eyes, and he can never really tell if who he is makes him one of Matt's monsters. He doesn't know if it is his urge to give up, or if it is his feeding off of Matt's words as blindly as you please that makes him so horrible.
A few weeks later, he tells Matt again, that he'd like to give up. This time, Mello's excuse is that he's afraid to die like L did. Lately, Mello has taken Matt's words a bit more seriously, and he carefully avoids ever having to walk into a dark room. The dark reminds him of a lot of things, and death is one of them. Mello doesn't want to die.
Mello thinks dying involves giving oneself over to the darkness of death. He's afraid to die now, because he doesn't quite know if he is going to heaven (his chances are slim) or if he is already booked for hell. He doesn't know if heaven or hell even exist. Death is a mystery that only the dead ever solve, but the dead don't come back to life. The dead cannot tell Mello what the afterlife is exactly. The dead are buried six feet below, deep, deep in the dark, and they won't ever come out.
And the dark is what unsettles Mello most. He ends up refusing to surrender to any lack of light, and he would barely succumb to sleep unless he can't fight it any more. This would explain why the circles under Mello's eyes have grown more prominent. Mello pretends not to notice them.
Matt's second reaction is different from the first. The younger male sighs and puts his electronics aside, stands up and walks over to him. Then, Matt ruffles his hair and says, "Pessimism doesn't suit you, Mello. You're an idealist, remember?" Oh, Mello remembers (and secretly hates it, but he says nothing). Matt says, "You're a real badass, you know? If you tried, I bet you could beat those monsters with your eyes closed."
The younger male will never know how Mello has taken his words as complete, utter irony. Mello doesn't think he could beat any monster, blinded or otherwise. Lately, he has grown too weary and less positive of how his success will be secured in no time, but he nods anyway. Mello would then raise his hand and Matt grabs it, squeezing it tightly before letting go. The action always reminds Mello that Matt would be there, if he ever needs a hand in the dark.
One night, Mello would lie in bed and attempt to close his eyes (he is just so tired), but every time he does, all he sees is black, and it scares him. The terrifying thing about darkness is that you don't know where you're going, or what you're doing. Mello imagines too many things, blank faces, more monsters and more dark, and then, and then-
And then, Matt would wake Mello up (he doesn't realize that he had been having a nightmare, and he doesn't realise that he had fallen asleep). Matt frowns at the tangled mess Mello is, and he says that next time, Mello ought to leave the light on.
"To ward off the monsters," Matt would say.
But the monsters don't stay afraid of the light for too long. After all, it is only a matter of time before something or someone would conquer a fear. Mello damns the fact one night, when the monsters have decided to mark him with a scar that Mello can never look at without flinching. One day, he decides he doesn't want to look again.
So, he breaks all the mirrors in the apartment. Mello doesn't like to be reminded of how the monsters have managed to grab a hold onto him, so he throws all the shards out the window. Mello knows that Matt finds his behaviour odd, but Matt doesn't ever ask.
One night is the same as any other these days, but at one midnight, Mello would switch on all the lights and disturb Matt's sleep. He tells him he's sorry, but he isn't really. Matt rubs the tiredness off of his eyes and sits up. Then, he asks Mello what is wrong, because everything seems to be wrong to Mello nowadays. Well, Matt doesn't say that last bit, but Mello can practically hear it in his tone.
"Don't think about it," Matt says, after Mello more or less has told him what is currently haunting his mind.
Mello would refuse to flinch, and then wonder why he has wanted to flinch at all. He says, "Sometimes it just gets to me, you know? I don't know if I can take it anymore."
And then Matt would move on the couch so Mello can sit beside him. He would listen as Mello talks about how the monsters seem to be getting braver, more insistent these days, and then he would be eerily quiet. Matt digests the information in the same silence, and then he would admonish Mello. He would say that giving up means damning all that L has worked for, all that Near would lie for, and all that Mello has lived for.
Matt is more convincing than he lets on. Sometimes, Mello forgets his troubles and closes his eyes, simply listening to Matt's encouraging whispers. Mello isn't really listening to the words, but the soothing tone of his best friend's voice. He likes holding onto every word like they are Matt's last.
The day after, Mello would pick himself up again. It becomes routine. He would express his troubles to Matt before they ever get to consume him, and Matt would nod, and smile, and encourage him some more. Mello feels as if he is being tethered to Matt in his own sudden co-dependency, but it doesn't seem as though Matt minds too much.
"I guess we need each other," Matt laughs, finding Mello's theory of an easy coexistence particularly amusing. "You know, to be honest, the idea doesn't sound half bad. We'd beat the crap out of those monsters, no problem. It'd be like the old days, huh? Like, partners in crime… or whatever people call it anymore."
Mello would chuckle, because he doesn't know either.
Time passes as it passes. It seems to go fast on the days Mello wants time to slow down, and slow when he wants it to speed up. Matt tells Mello that it is all in his mind, much like how the blackness of the dark is all in his head. Mello would only shrug and say that it is difficult for him to stop thinking about it, not for even once.
Matt would try to apologise for ever planting the idea of monsters in Mello's brain, but the blonde doesn't listen. So instead, Matt tells Mello to imagine a little colour to paint the dark over, but Mello isn't very good at it if Matt isn't there to help.
Some days, Mello stares himself down in his mind and tells himself to stop being so difficult. Some days, he doesn't eat because he can't find his appetite under all the pressure weighing down on him. Some days, Matt lets Mello cry, even if it really is unbecoming, and Mello doesn't complain about how Matt feels awkward just sitting there and watching him.
Other days, Matt wards off Mello's monsters.
A/N: I'm not happy about the ending, but meh. It's my birthday, and I'm really, really lazy. :D
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