Here there be monsters
Summary: He's safe in the light. It's in the dark that the monsters come. Severus Snape reflects on his godson's fears. Companion piece to Safe.
Draco's afraid of the dark.
He would never admit it, not for all the world. Fear is a weakness, he has always been taught, and a Malfoy must never show weakness. He must be strong, cold, proud, the image of his father. But I have watched him all his life, and I know.
His fear is in every aspect of his life. It's in the way his very first use of magic was a lumos, lighting up his dark bedroom. It's in the way he hated stories of ghosts and darkness, the way he stayed outside and never, never went near the cellars of his own free will. It's in the way he used to cling to my leg when he visited my dungeons as a child, and the way his room was always brightly lit.
It continued when he came to Hogwarts. His was always the bed closest to the window, so he could see the sun first and last, his was always the couch closest to the fire. He was always so quick going in and out of the potions storeroom, and so hesitant to explore the deeper corridors. Instead, he preferred to be outside, on the quidditch pitch, next to the lake.
He can't stand dark creatures. When he discovered the nature of the werewolf, he almost panicked, only his pride keeping him in the same hall. He always tried to avoid his father's zoo, wincing at the very sight of a snake. I still remember how he shook when he returned from the forbidden forest in first year, and the terror he failed to hide upon meeting the Dark Lord. His hands shook so badly, I thought he would be cursed, and I felt such fear for him. I guess he never recovered from his father's stories of war and death and blood.
You can see it in how he interacts with people. Lucius never paid him attention during his childhood, and Draco began to realise that to be ignored is just another type of darkness. He can't bear to be ignored, he thinks that if people pay him attention, if they're around him, then the dark can't get to him. He puts such effort into his appearance and style, attracting men and women alike, and his bodyguards never leave his side. And he always tries his best to please his father, for to be acknowledged by Lucius, to be praised, would be the best kind of light.
At a very young age, too young, he learnt that there is safety in the light. The nightmares can't get you when you're awake, no one will hurt you where you can be seen. It was in the darkness that he would be punished, in the darkness that he would face straps and beatings and hatred and fear. In the light, he could pretend his was the perfect family, that he was loved, protected, wanted. There's no pretending in the darkness, no one to see you hurt, no one to help and comfort. In the darkness, you are no one.
Draco knows that it's better to be hated than ignored. It's in the way he always seems to crave the attention of the Potter boy, deliberately provoking him, so in the fire of his enemy's eyes he knows that he exists, that he matters. And maybe, he thinks, if he manages to beat Potter, if he can prove himself better, he'll be able to defeat the creatures that scare him, the fear that torments him.
And yet, despite his provocation and hatred, he almost yearns for Potter's approval. On their very first meeting, he tried to seem confident, assured, so Potter would like him; and it was when his friendship was spurned that the fighting began. Potter is the symbol of the light, the very figure of protection and safety, the one person the darkness can never overcome. And even as Draco strives to better him, deep inside he wants to be like him, to be with him, to be protected by him. If he had Potter by his side, maybe he wouldn't have to fear the dark.
In the daylight, Draco Malfoy is everything people dream of being. The prince of Slytherin: rich, handsome, and intelligent, with a powerful father and numerous friends. Capable of standing up to Potter, a respected Death Eater, a mover of the world. In the light, Draco has nothing to fear, no one to hurt him.
But in the darkness, well… here, there be monsters.