Hi! Another new manga that I have started that has sparked this story. I hope you do enjoy.
TRIGGER WARNING! There is a less graphic bu still prominent depiction of self-harm so please do not read if it will inspire negativity within yourself.
There were days when even Shuichi couldn't find it within himself to put a smile on his face and pretend that everything would be okay. He would lay in bed watching as Yuki left, knowing full well that he had at least three hours until Yuki returned from whatever meeting or press interview that he had on that given day, as it always was.
He often had to leave for the recording studio an hour later and would take his spare hour to lay in bed to stare at the ceiling or sometimes cry when he was feeling especially depressed, before rising to begin his day by splashing his face with cold water and using some concealer under his eyes to hide any signs of unhappiness. He would sport his regular bright colours and greet all his friends and any fans he would meet along the way with the biggest smile that he could muster, joking around, poking fun and overall maintaining a well-practiced facade.
But today, he didn't have to follow a schedule, because it was the holidays and K had bent under pressure from the agency to cut Bad Luck some slack and give them at least the week of Christmas off 'because human rights or some shit,' K had so eloquently put it. So he lay in bed watching anxiously as his lover pulled on a blazer, ready to attend a book signing for his newest romance novel, aware of that feeling like he was about to break at any second.
But he couldn't let down the disguise just yet.
"Yuki! I can't wait for Christmas! Only two days until the big day. I have all of your presents hidden somewhere but I won't tell you where so don't ask. Oh Yuki, what did you get me?" He chirped, feeling nauseous at how much energy he had to exert into this ruse.
Yuki didn't turn to look at him one, instead of turning to fuss with his tie in the vanity mirror. This was most mornings, aside from the occasional scowl and "shut up, Shuichi", Yuki Eiri never actually replied to any of the Pinkett's random monologue in the morning and this morning should have been the same but maybe Shuichi was feeling little desperate for some conversation before being left to his thoughts for the next few hours because he asked,
"Yuki, will we even celebrate this year?" Shuichi panicked a little, realizing his faked demeanour was beginning to crack as his voice wobbled a little, but he couldn't stop himself.
"It's a useless holiday being celebrated by useless people who think that problems can just disappear for a day. No, I'm not celebrating it," the writer replied, never once turning to see the singer's face fall at the statement.
I'm useless to Yuki, aren't I?
They had been together for two years now, but they had yet to celebrate any holiday or anniversary together, and it seemed that Shuichi always came to this conversation before he started his routine to conceal his feelings.
His birthday this year had resulted in an especially heavy crying session before he joined his friends for a small surprise party at the studio and go home to see Yuki already asleep, no sign that he had done anything to congratulate him on his big day. He doesn't even talk about Valentine's day.
"Did you maybe get me anything," he inquired, knowing the answer but still perhaps holding hope that he may be wrong.
"No, now shut up, you're such an annoyance."
Shuichi sighed and laid back down, completely let down and seemingly physically incapable of ever getting up again.
"You're right, I'm sorry," Shuichi pulled the cover up just in time to muffle the first sob that escaped his mouth and he didn't say anything else afterwards. He heard the front door close and he finally let himself cry freely, digging his fingernails into the flesh on his arms and curling up into a ball as if to protect himself from his own unhappiness.
It was one of those days.
.oOo. .oOo. .oOo.
Yuki Eiri was far from stupid and knew that Shuichi wasn't always happy because no one could ever be that jubilant all the time, not even his ray-of-sunshine lover. He heard the sob that Shuichi tried to hide that morning and could feel the simmering of regret that was bubbling in his gut but chose to stifle it immediately. Hiro had called him the previous day explaining all the plans that Shuichi had for the holidays as well as all the hours that the boy had put in to earn that week off so it would have been unfortunate if the blonde chose to shrug off any hint of holiday spirit like he usually did.
So Yuki had convinced Tohma in getting all of Nittle Grasper to sign a record of all their famous hits and he then gritted his teeth as he bought some pink alien stuffed animal from a random shop.
He planned on giving it to the pinkette before he had to leave for the day so that he could avoid the storm that would follow his little lover's initial surprise. He didn't want to make a show of it and when Shuichi asked if he would get anything for Christmas, Yuki only naturally shot him down, or he wouldn't hear the end of it for the next portion of his life.
But Shuichi never admitted to being annoying and sure as hell never apologized for it and he never ever cried with such pain. Don't get Yuki wrong, the kid cried (oh, did he cry) but he was able to detect the actual sadness in his voice and how hard he was trying to seem like he was alright.
He would get over it, Yuki decided, two days from now, he'll be back to his own self, dancing around the apartment listening to the new record and gushing about how wonderful Yuki was for thinking of him even though he totally shouldn't have because he would have been glad to just be around Yuki for the day but he was still so happy so thank you Yuki.
It would all be fine.
His phone rang and he picked it up, greeting the publishers with a curt hello.
"Yuki-san, the signing got cancelled. It turns out that there will be a snowstorm later today and they don't want to risk bringing you out here and be snowed into the store. They have rescheduled it to the new year so please stay safe at home with Shindou-san. We apologize for the inconvenience."
Yuki sighed and hung up without responding. Turning right around, he headed straight back to his apartment.
At least he could work on his new novel but truth be told, he may just forgo an hour to spend with the singer, taking away his worries any satisfying his own desires while he's at it.
It would all be fine.
.oOo. .oOo. .oOo.
Shuichi didn't self-harm. Or at least that is what he told himself as he winced at the poke of the safety pin piercing the flesh of his upper arm skin.
He had spent plenty of time rationalizing the actions.
It was a safety pin after all, what could be safer than the thing that literally had the word 'safety' in its name?
He knew that he was nowhere near a major blood vessel so the slight bleeding that did occur could never be fatal.
He could very easily cover it up with some concealer and Yuki didn't seem to notice the little punctures when they were having sex or something.
So it was okay. He was completely okay.
Except he wasn't. But if he got a few more holes then he could muster up some morale to pretend that he was.
Yuki doesn't love me. I'm the one that keeps him around by force, he obviously doesn't want me around.
He could benefit from a few days without me. Maybe he would benefit from a life without me.
Shuichi imagined seeing Yuki working on his novels in silence without his own loud mouth jumping in, expecting affection and love. Shuichi could see him attending overnight meetings and tours without having to worry about getting a call from the singer who would spend an hour recounting the movie he had seen with Hiro and the amazing popcorn that they had eaten because wow Yuki, what do they put in theatre popcorn that makes it so good?
He could imagine Yuki attending fancy dinners with a beautiful woman with long, flowing hair and legs that stretched for days; who would laugh cutely and keep silent instead of talking about the newest manga she had read and how he was desperate to get his hands on the next issue. He would see her lead him back to the hotel room where she would expertly undo the buttons of his shirt and lean up to kiss him delicately and sensually and-
He winced and immediately glanced down as he realized what he had just done. A single trickle of blood ran down his arm from the minute gash he had created from the innocent, little safety pin. He stared at it and for a moment he felt euphoria as he watched the thin stream pool into the crook of his elbow and he would have perhaps just gone back to making it a little bigger if he didn't hear a deep, furious voice come from the door.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
.oOo. .oOo. .oOo.
There were a few things that Yuki expected when he walked into the house, most including Shuichi doing some stupid shit and the rest including Shuichi doing some stupid and reckless shit but when he made it to the bedroom after seeing that Shuichi was nowhere to be seen in the living room, he didn't know quite what to make of the situation.
He found the pinkette on the floor, tears dripping from his face and what seemed to be a safety pin planted firmly in his small, pale hand. He watched in shock as Shuichi pretty much jammed the little, silver weapon into his skinny bicep, seemingly surprised at the trickle of crimson liquid seeped through the wound, down his arm. But rather than seem too worried about the self-inflicted injury, he looked interested and, completely unaware of the other male's presence, was about to go back in for another injury.
Yuki could feel confusion and anger bubble in his core as he spoke without thinking about how his sudden voice would affect his lover.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
He looked at the boy in question immediately snapped his head up to meet the cold, calculating eyes of his housemate.
.oOo. .oOo. .oOo.
"Yuki! Why are you back? Your book signing?"
He needed to change the subject. He didn't want to explain himself and he didn't want to make this into a big deal.
If Yuki thinks I'm crazy, he's going to leave me for sure. I can't let that happen.
Seeing as the blond was seemingly unable to speak, Shuichi continued to take the opportunity to shift the conversation, "it's early but you probably want a cigarette, there should be some in that drawer," but alas, it was futile.
"Sit down," Yuki ordered, not a sliver of emotion on his face. He turned into the room, going straight for the closet from where he pulled out a sparkly, purple gift bag and carelessly clattered them onto the floor at Shuichi's feet. Shuichi turned his pale face up to meet the golden eyes in curiosity, but he was met with frost and uninterest. He took the bag and looked inside, the sigh causing his breath to hitch, pulling out what was clearly... Christmas presents. He wrapped his fingers around the stuffed animal and glanced to the record where he saw messages from the members of his favourite band.
'You're a wonder, Shuichi ~ Ryuichi xo'
'You better be grateful, kid, this was against my will. Merry Christmas. ~ Tohma'
Shuichi could feel the tears pooling in his eyes and he hastily wiped them away, grasping the stuffed animal close to his chest, as if it could hold him together.
"What's this, Yuki?" Shuichi joked half-heartedly, "Christmas is two days away, don't think this will make me give you your gifts early or anything."
Yuki didn't answer and instead went to the bathroom before returning moments later with bandages and towels.
They didn't speak as the taller man ran the towel down Shuichi's arm, soaking up the blood with a gentleness that he didn't know the cold man to possess. Yuki then began to wrap bandages around the wounded bicep before getting up and walking out of the room once again, the whole exchange occurring without a single word.
When it was clear that he wouldn't return, the violet-eyed boy realized that he would have to talk to Yuki. After gently placing the record on his nightstand, he clutched the alien thing and slowly exited the bedroom where he found his significant other placing two plates down on the table before sitting on one side looking at him expectantly, no trace of emotion lighting up his face. Shuichi slowly took the other seat, placing the alien down on the table before looking down at the omelet on his plate with disdain.
Safe to say that he wasn't hungry. But that didn't matter as much as making sure that Yuki was okay.
"So did something happen to the book signing?" Shuichi knew that there was no way that Yuki could just ignore what had happened but if the pinkette knew any better, the writer could probably not care any less and if he played up the act just a little bit, then perhaps there would be an opportunity to brush over it. Because Yuki didn't involve himself with matters that didn't pertain to himself.
And Shuichi certainly did not pertain to him.
… or so he thought.
"Does it hurt?" Yuki asked softly.
The Bad Luck singer smiled softly as he picked at his omelet, "no, it doesn't really hurt too much. Thank you for patching it up but I would have been fine."
That must have triggered something in the blond because the celebrity suddenly threw down his fork and stood up. But to Shuichi's surprise, he was not hit with the yelling and swearing that he was expecting. Yuki took a deep breath and clenched his fist, speaking as if he were speaking to a crying child, "Don't tell me that I shouldn't have helped you when you were bleeding all over the floor, Shuichi, how long have you been doing this?"
Shuichi turned away, feeling tears well up in his eyes as he turned away from the golden eyes. He could feel himself suffocating and it would be impossible to pretend that he could be happy for any longer. He winced as he felt Yuki approaching him and flinched again as he felt hands take his own but rather than comfort him, they may as well have been a truth serum because he didn't remember when he started talking.
"I-I don't know why I do it, Yuki. Sometimes I just get really sad and I don't know how I started this but it can't be that bad because no one even notices," Shuichi felt Yuki's hands tighten at that but he was on a roll that he couldn't come back from, "a-and I won't let anyone know-"
"So you're not going to stop," it should have been a question, but it was clear that it was an observation more than anything else.
Shuichi let out a sob, "I can't, Yuki. I feel miserable and I have my band and you have your books and if we want to make this work then I need to learn to check my emotions. I can either do that here in silence or I could go out into public and key a car or something."
Silence passed before a small, feeble voice spoke up again, "I don't want to be a burden, Yuki, but I'm sorry. What else should I do?"
.oOo. .oOo. .oOo.
Yuki didn't know what to do. He didn't cope well with emotions and right now, his lover was exuding quite a number of them but he had seen this before and if he wasn't careful, then we will soon be talking the sad boy off of a ledge. He gently took his hands out of the smaller ones that he was holding and placed them on the other's slender shoulders instead, letting himself show a sliver of kindness by kneeling in front of the pallid features, letting one hand brush along Shuichi's slender cheek, wiping away some stray tears as well as nudging the pink head of hair to look at him in the eye.
He didn't do this. He didn't show his love with brushes of fingers and soft words, because as far as he was concerned, people that mattered would know that he cared regardless of such meaningless frivolities and often times, he knew Shuichi to be such simply by the way he keeps coming back and still smiling at him like he had placed every star in the sky. But even he had a threshold and it seemed that he had kept it to himself for so long that it pained Yuki to think that he had been suffering in silence.
If this was anyone other than Shuichi, he would have left someone else to deal with it without even a bat of an eye but whether it would admit it or not, he had grown more than just a little fond of the boy, coming to see it to be impossible to wake up in the morning if he was not by his side. He couldn't flirt with anyone else because he would see that shining smile waiting for him at home and the thought of hurting him by turning to someone else made the writer physically sick. Speaking of which, he never even felled physically attracted to another person since Shuichi because, god, was he able to give him something that no one ever had before.
But his feelings for the boy went beyond the physical desires because he hated to discover that he relished in the little kisses on the cheek he would get as an apology whenever the little guy messed something up. He loved walking in on him when he was singing because he would have a soft look of passion on his face and, while his lyrics were juvenile, his voice was near-perfect, hitting every note with the most hypnotizing voice. Yuki was able to see him pause momentarily before turning to meet his eye to give him a smile of love or admiration.
Yuki loved him so much.
So perhaps when Shuichi needed it so badly, he should be given the privilege of feeling the same.
He leaned up a little and planted his lips onto the pink lips of the singer as softly as he could. Their noses brushed delicately and the soft gasp that passed Shuichi's lips was enough of a sign to know that he wasn't going to be rejected, so Yuki pushed a little further and nibbled on his bottom lip, feeling the way the boy's lips run over his hesitantly but adoringly. He could smell the strawberry lip balm that Shuichi insisted on using because 'Yuki it tastes really good!' and he felt the soft breaths caress his cheeks as their lips detached only to reattach a second later for small pecks. When they finally broke for a breath Shuichi leaned his forehead to Yuki's, eyes closed but no indication of sadness left anywhere on his face.
"What else should you do?" he echoed, "You should come to me so that I know to push whatever conference I have by an hour so that I can make sure that you don't need to resort to hurting yourself to feel better. You should let me talk to K so that I can swear at him for overworking you and tell him that he can push the release of your new album by a day otherwise he'll have to deal with Touma," that evoked a small, watery giggle, "and you should know that even when I'm not here in person, you can call me."
Shuichi didn't respond but he slowly stilled the hand stroking his face by weaving his fingers with theirs, "and if you do," he paused, choosing his words wisely, "make a mistake, then we should fix it together because an idiot like you will only make it worse alone. But for some reason, I don't always mind it too much."
They rested there for some minutes before Yuki stood up and went back to his side of the table. Shuichi, somehow regaining his appetite took a bite of his breakfast while he wiped away the last of his tears. Thirty minutes later and Yuki had grabbed his laptop and had laid down next to Shuichi, who had cuddled with his new toy, ready do probably go back to sleep for another few hours.
"Hey, Yuki."
.oOo. .oOo. .oOo.
"Hey, Yuki."
Shuichi watched as Yuki pried his eyes away from his computer to look at him. Shuichi felt the crudely wrapped bandages rustle against his arms and for the first time in some time, he knew that he would be okay. He gently leaned up to place a kiss on his lover's cheek and grinned as it was reciprocated with a brief kiss to his own forehead.
It would all be fine after all.
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Until Next Time!
xox,
EverythingIsAwesome001