Bachelor Boys (or The not so 'Young Ones')

by Aubrey Parsons

Every thought what the 'Young ones' might be up to now? Did you honestly think they all died when the bus went over the cliff in the last episode? Well did you? Well they didn't - so blimmin' there! This new 'Festive' episode catches up with what those not so 'young ones' are up to now...

Bachelor Boys - Written by Aubrey Parsons - 2012

This is a work of FanFiction. I do not own any of the rights to any of the characters or the original concept.
I loved the Young Ones when I was growing up in the 80s'. There was a recent re-run of every episode on SKY so I watched them all before writing this.

This is how I imagine the group of 'friends' would be now (25 years later). Hence the name of this festive episode:

Bachelor Boys (The not so 'young ones').

INT. A COSY BRITISH PUB - NIGHT It is Christmas Eve.

WE SEE MIKE THE BARMAN WEARING DARK GLASSES AND CLEANING A PINT GLASS, HE HOLDS THE GLASS UP TO THE LIGHT AND GOBS ON IT AND SMEARS THE GOB ALL OVER THE GLASS AND STANDS ON A BOX TO PUT IT ON THE SHELF.

MIKE (to camera)
Half past nine and mike looks cooler than Michael Jackson in a mortuary. Yet another boring night.
Nothing exciting ever happens around here. However, when I get into bed with one of the members of the local WI, then that's a different matter.

Mike turns to a customer who is waiting at the bar holding a pint glass.

MIKE (CONT'D)
Pint of the usual? Clean glass?

The customer nods so Mike reaches up and gets the glass he's just gobbed all over and uses that to serve the customer.

EXT. A PUB ON A REMOTE MOOR - NIGHT

IT IS SNOWING ON A BLEAK DESOLATE LANDSCAPE. A LARGE CHAUFFEUR DRIVEN CAR SPUTTERS TO A STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD BY THE PUB. IT OBVIOUSLY HAS ENGINE TROUBLE AND BACKFIRES CAUSING SNOW TO FALL FROM THE ROOF OF THE PUB ONTO A SMALL GROUP OF SMOKERS STOOD OUTSIDE THE PUB - ONE OF THE SMOKERS IS HAVING A WEE IN THE SNOW. WE HEAR THE MUFFLED SOUND OF MUSIC AND LAUGHTER COMING FROM THE BUILDING.

Rick has changed since we last saw him. No longer the anarchist he does a very bad job at pretending to be high above his station. Terrible posh accent and over-dressed. As Rick climbs out of the car dressed in a coat and hat and carrying a cane he shouts at his chauffeur.

RICK ...and you can blimmin well stay there until the AA come you useless peasant.

Rick slams the door and tries stride to the pub looking like a man who knows where he's going, but slips and slides cursing and looking like a bit of twat. We see over the shoulder of the chauffeur as he tosses the V sign behind Ricks' back. A yellow snowball hits Rick in the back just before he reaches the door.

SMOKERS Wanker, tosser, Prick, etc.

INT. A COSY BRITISH PUB - NIGHT A man in the corner with guitar singing Mistletoe and wine.
Everyone in the pub stops talking and turns to look at the stranger who has just entered. The guitarist plays a few notes of Dueling Banjos and there is a collective gurgle of amusement. The guitarist goes back to Mistletoe and wine.

RICK Landlord a bottle of your finest Chateau Neuf Du Pape if you please,
and make snappy pappy!
(laughs at his own quip)

MIKE It may have escaped your notice kind sir, but this is a remote country pub with the air of 'An American werewolf in London' about it. We serve beer, cider, house white, house red or virgins blood -
however we are fresh out of virgins blood on account that it's not rag week this week.

RICK (laughing nervously)
Oh.. how quaint. I almost forgot I was in rural England. Where men and men and sheep are afraid.

The sound of a sheep comes from a back room somewhere behind the bar.

RICK (CONT'D)
I'll have a glass of your finest house red if it's not too much trouble!

MIKE Sorry sir, we're out red.

RICK In that case I'll have the white.

MIKE No white on account of the ladies guild of carol singers popped in earlier. It took us hours to carry them home. Half of them didn't know their own names and one or two of them of them are going to wake up a bit sore tomorrow!

RICK Ughhh. Cider?

MIKE Market day, all the farmers saw that off hours ago...

RICK Oh for Cliff's sake. All I want is a drink to warm my cold aching bones. My car's broken down, I'm miles from home, and I'm pretty damn well peed off that I'm going to miss the exclusive Cliff Richard concert that was due to be held in Barrow Bloody Gurney village hall tonight.

MIKE Well you're in luck...

RICK Why? Is Cliff coming here?

MIKE No. We've got warm beer - that should sort you out... Hang on a minute!

Mike turns to the camera.

MIKE (CONT'D)
Annoying personality, Cliff Richard fan, dressed like a Rick with a capital P...

Mike turns back to Rick

MIKE (CONT'D)
Rick? Is that really you?

RICK (suspiciously)
Who wants to know?

Mike takes off his dark sunglasses and looks around the pub as if someone is after him. He gestures for Rick to come closer.

MIKE Psst, Rick, it's me Mike!

RICK By Falicity Kendals knickers, so it is. Uh how are you Mike?

MIKE Don't use my real name Rick, call me Dave, the walls have ears and the tables have legs and they could both walk out of here together and make all the wrong kind noises if you know what I mean.

CUT TO:

INT. PUB WALL - NIGHT

CUT TO A WALL IN THE PUB WITH A TABLE NEXT TO IT. THE WALL HAS AN EAR AND A MOUTH AND IS TALKING TO THE TABLE.

WALL (posh accent)
It's absolutely amazing what you hear in these places you know table. It's enough to turn the air blue!

TABLE (Scottish accent)
Too fucking right Jimmy!

CUT TO:

INT. A COSY BRITISH PUB - NIGHT

CUT BACK TO RICK & MIKE

MIKE But saying that, I'm all the better for seeing you Rick.

RICK Blimey are you really pleased to see me Mike, uh I mean Dave?

MIKE Yes of course. You owe me 20 quid and have done for nearly 25 years.
Let's see... with interest I make that twelve thousand five hundred pounds and twenty seven pence.

RICK What for?

MIKE For that blow up doll I sold you in 1985.

RICK But that was supposed to be a bloody flipping birthday present for Vyvyan from all of us. Anyway it went down on me, uh ha ha ha, I mean him.

MIKE Ah really. I didn't realise, I must have sold you the deluxe model, in that case the original fee should have been one hundred quid. You owe me big time my friend. That will give me enough money to finally get out of this place and set up on my own...

RICK (condescendingly)
You mean this isn't your place?

MIKE Nah, I just popped in here one evening whilst trying to keep my nose clean and my head down if you know what I mean and the landlord offered me a job. That was five years ago.

RICK Well the place must be doing alright if you've been here for five years!

MIKE Oh yes, it's a right little gold mine. What with the farmers and the local W.I. Coupled with the fact that rural alcohol misuse is at it's highest level in years all contributes to a booming booze business. Oh and there's the film crews.

RICK What film crews?

MIKE Oh there's always some little Polanski or Richie and their cronies knocking around making horror films or dramas about escaped convicts. It's the location, brings 'em in for miles like the worlds biggest fanny magnet.

Mike turns to camera.

MIKE (CONT'D)
Not unlike myself.

Mike turns back to Rick

MIKE (CONT'D)
This pub has been in more films that Michael Caine. That bunch in the corner are making a Vampire slasher with Felicity Kendal...

RICK (Spits his drink out)
Oh my bloody God. Felicity Kendal!
What I wouldn't give to get hold of a pair of her knickers.. (coughs)
uh, ha ha, I mean shag her... I mean meet her.

MIKE She's in here all the time - for the right money I could introduce you...

RICK How much?

MIKE Fifty quid.

RICK Right on!

Rick pulls a giant wad of money out his pocket, Mikes stares at the camera - eyes wide. Rick pulls off a 50 and gives it to Mike.

MIKE Uh, of course there's my agents fee...

Rick peels off another fifty.

MIKE (CONT'D)
And if you really wanted a pair of her knickers it just so happens I have a pair that she left in the ladies last week. She'd had a little accident after sampling our mutton curry...

Mike reaches below the bar and grabs the rag he was using to clean the glasses with - unfolds it and it turns out to be a pair of pants which have obviously seen better days and are obviously not Felicity's. Rick throws the whole bunch of money at mike and grabs the pants.

RICK Cor! If you'll excuse me Michael I just need to pop to the little boy's room.

Rick runs off to the toilet clutching the knickers.

MIKE (shouting after Rick)
Not sure if there's any toilet paper mind!

CUT TO:

INT. TELEVISION ON WALL BEHIND BAR - NIGHT

THE T.V. SHOWS A MUG SHOT OF VLADIMERE BALOWSKI HOLDING A BOARD WITH HIS CRIMINAL NUMBER ON IT. THE BOARD HAS A HUGE BIT MARK OUT OF THE TOP AND VLAD'S MOUTH IS FULL. THE TICKER UNDER THE IMAGE TELLS OF A BREAK OUT OF A HIGHLY DANGEROUS CRIMINAL WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR CRUCIFYING HIS ENTIRE FAMILY.

NEWSREADER It's thought Balowski chewed through the bars of his isolation cell and then used his bare hands to tunnel under the perimeter wall of the prison. Police have advise that on no account should he be approached.

INT. UNDER THE NEWS READER'S DESK - NIGHT

Two tarts are under the desk. The news reader has no trousers on. They are obviously there to pleasure him.

TART 1 So how was your holiday Sandra?
Where did you go again?

TART 2 Oh it was great thanks, we went for two weeks in Bruce Forsyth's merkin. It was one of those all in deals you know, where everything is free. The kids loved it. However,
we all came back with a Brucy bonus.

TART 1 Oh that's nice, win a prize at the karaoke did you?

TART 2 Nah, we all caught a dose of crabs.
Not nice to see you to see you not!

TART 1 Ooh the dirty bastard.

TART 2 I think we'll try Sean Connery next year. Anyhow, we'd better get on with it - who's going first you or me?

At that point the ancient tea lady pulls up. Big smile, no teeth.

TEA LADY Cup of tea ladies?

TART 1 Not right now Ethel, but whilst your here, you couldn't do us a favour could you? We're both dying for the loo.

TEA LADY Well now I don't see why not. What would you like me to do.

Tart 1 whispers something in Ethel's ear and we see a big toothless grin cross Ethel's face.

INT. TELEVISION ON WALL BEHIND BAR - NIGHT

A perverted grin spreads over the news readers face.

NEWSREADER In other news after undergoing IVF treatment Lady Camilla has given birth to Octuplets...

Mike switches the T.V. off.

MIKE (to camera)
Now that was definitely nothing to do with me!

CUT TO:

INT. THE DOOR INTO THE PUB - NIGHT

Felicity Kendal walks in. She looks like she's been gardening.

MIKE Good evening Miss Kendal. The usual?

FELICITY KENDAL Yes please. That would be absolutely lovely.

MIKE And then perhaps you'd like a drink if you've got the Thyme... ha ha,
if you've got the Thyme...

Felicity remains stony faced. Mike turns to the camera.

MIKE (CONT'D)
Parp!

Rick returns.

RICK Mike you bastard! There was no toilet paper in the toilet.

MIKE Now Rick, surely you wanted toilet paper in the dispenser, not in the toilet! Anyway, shut your cake hole. As promised, I'd like you to meet Felicity Kendal.

Rick shakes hands with Felicty and by the look on her face we can tell that Rick's hand is covered in Jizz.

RICK Oh my goodness. Oh my good, oh my,
oh...

Rick faints. The door bursts open and a figure is shrouded by fog and snow resembling some kind of monster. It then bursts into the room. It is a motorcycle policeman.

VYVYAN Nobody move - it's the pigs! Right who's is that car outside blocking the bloody road?

MIKE Bags not me!

NEIL Bags not me!

EVERYONE ELSE IN THE PUB Bags not us!

RICK (coming round)
Bugger.. Bags not mine! It's hers!

Rick points to Felicity. Vyvyan strides over to the Neil (who is actually the guitarist) and grabs his guitar. He strides back over to Felicity and smashes her over the head knocking her out.

VYVYAN I need somewhere to keep her whilst I wait for the van to arrive, does this place have a cellar?

Mike points to a trapdoor behind the bar. Vyvyan drags Felicity to the trapdoor and throws her down.

VYVYAN (CONT'D)
Right, that should keep her quiet.
Oh and by the way, I thought Rosemary and Thyme was utter crap.

INT. PUB CELLAR - NIGHT

Felicity lands in a heap on the floor of the cellar. Two Welsh miners watch the body land. They are hiding in sacks of coal.

WELSH MINER 1 So do you reckon the strike is still on butt?

WELSH MINER 2 Too bloody right butt and we will never surrender, we will fight till the end. Thatcher's probably bought the country to it's knees by now so it's going to be up to us to save our families, our homes, our jobs and our chip shops.

WELSH MINER 1 Aye and our Pot Noodles and our sheep.

WELSH MINER 2 Well aye butt, obviously, but only the good looking ones. Speaking of which, a good tip is to get them on a cliff top. They tend to push back, makes it more... exciting.

WELSH MINER 1 Oh butt, d'you reckon there are others like? Others like us who are holed up - ready to pounce when the moment is right.
Ready to bring the establishment crashing down around the fascist governments ears?

Before he can answer Mike appears and grabs one of the sacks and we see him climb out of the cellar, stepping over Felicity he then tips the contents of the sack onto the fire and there is a brief scream.

VYVYAN Okay dokay, I might as well have a little winter warmer whilst I wait for re-enforcements. A pint of Babysham please Michael.

MIKE Certainly officer, coming right up.

RICK You told me you only had beer you lying bastard.

MIKE Ah, I always keep a little something for emergencies and I think you'll agree that this is an emergency Rick.

VYVYAN Rick, Rick with a silent P? Rick is that you.

RICK Oh my blimmin flimmin goodness,
Vyvyan?

VYVYAN Yep.

Vyvyan pulls out his night stick and repeatedly smashes Rick over the head until he collapses. Then he hits him some more.

VYVYAN (CONT'D)
It's me.

MIKE Here you go Vyvyan.

VYVYAN Cheers mike, your good health.

Vyvyan downs the entire pint and burps towards one of the candles on the bar. A huge jet of flame crosses the bar into Mike's face. Mike looks at the camera with a black face.

MIKE Better out than in I guess.

RICK (crying)
What did you do that for?

VYVYAN That Rick, is for not giving me my birthday present in 1985 you tight bastard.

Vyvyan smashes Rick's head into the bar.

RICK I didn't mean why did you hit me, I meant why did you hit Felicity?

VYVYAN Oh sorry Rick, what an amusing misunderstanding. Murder.

RICK What! Felicity Kendal would never murder anyone.

VYVYAN Well at least manslaughter then.
Her Chauffeur has frozen to death in the car outside. Unless of course someone was lying and it wasn't her car?

RICK No, no, no, the murderous bitch!

Neil approaches.

NEIL Hey guys, oh wow. I like can't believe it. It really is all of you together isn't it? I mean this isn't like some kind of flash back from my acid days is it? This isn't like that time we had a mass hallucination and thought we had all gone over a cliff in a red London bus is it? No I can really touch you, this is amazing, you're all here.

Neil touches Ricks coat.

RICK Oh Christ. Neil! Piss off hippy.

VYVYAN Yeah piss off hippy.

MIKE Yeah piss off Neil.

NEIL Oh, OK. But can you pay me before I go please Mike?

RICK What for? Oh was it you making that bloody awful noise in the corner.
Well I suppose it keeps the dogs away.

NEIL This is great. I don't see you all for what must be twenty five years and it's like we've never been apart. Amazing!

EXT. A PUB ON A REMOTE MOOR - NIGHT

WE ARE LOOKING THROUGH THE EYES OF SOMEONE WHO IS STALKING THE PUB. WE SEE THE BROKEN DOWN CAR, POLICE BIKE, AND SMOKERS OUTSIDE. THE STALKER WALKS UP TO THE SMOKERS AND ASKS FOR A LIGHT. THEY TURN AND LOOK IN HORROR.

SFX of people being butchered.

INT. A COSY BRITISH PUB - NIGHT

NEIL So Vyv, a policeman hey. How did you manage that?

VYVYAN Oh it wasn't that difficult. All you need these days is white skin,
and I.Q. higher than a hedgehog and an ability to beat the crap out of any potential criminal.

Vyvyan removes his motorcycle helmet and we see four scars on his forehead.

VYVYAN (CONT'D)
Of course this is just an interim step, I've got my sights set on CID followed by MI5.

MIKE (looking worried)
If you'll excuse me gentlemen, I just need to check on my etchings.

INT. PUB CELLAR - NIGHT

Mike disappears through the trapdoor. We see him climb over Felicity and walk over to a number of boxes marked 'AK47' and 'Busty Betty'. He throws a tarpaulin over them.

INT. A PUB ON A REMOTE MOOR - NIGHT

RICK Lordy me, what does a man have to do around here to get a drink?
Neil, fetch me a glass of water.

NEIL Yeah right, OK. Just like the good old days hey, everybody treating me like dirt. If I'd wanted to be treated like this tonight I'd have stayed at home!

VYVYAN Shut up hippy and give me some pork scratchings.

NEIL Uh I'm not sure I can do that Vyvyan.

VYVYAN Why not?

NEIL I'm a vegetarian.

VYVYAN Absolute toss. You are either very pleased to see me or you've got a Pepperami in your pocket.

NEIL Oh wow! I wonder how that got there.

RICK Oh shut up Neil, you weren't even a very good hippy when we were at Scumbag College and you're even less convincing now! I bet your married with 2.5 kids, a mortgage,
company car and you're a finance manager or some bloody Nazi job like that.

NEIL Divorced actually, and I'm a bank manager.

Neil removes his false beard.

NEIL (CONT'D)
I only sing in pubs to escape my real life and the hell that I live in.

RICK Oh me, me, me. My heart bleeds for you hippy.

VYVYAN What about you Prick. How come you're dressed like a poof?

NEIL Yeah Rick, what happened to bringing down the establishment and rubbing their noses in it?

RICK (nervously)
Ah. Ha ha. If you must know I was left some money when my parents died.

VYVYAN (bursts out crying)
Arghhhh boo hoo. I never knew my parents and all the other kids in the orphanage hated me.

NEIL There - there Vyvyan. Just look at what you've become, your parents would have been so proud...

MIKE Stop the clock. Just how much money did your parents leave you Rick?

RICK (mumbles)
A couple of mmmmllnnn

VYVYAN Speak up, El president can't hear you!

RICK I said a couple of million.

Mike, Vyvyan and Neil look at each other. We see Vyvyan walk behind Rick and raise his night-stick to hit him over the head.

CUT TO:

INT. PUB CELLAR - NIGHT

Mike, Neil and Vyvyan drag Rick who has now been tied up and dump him next to the tarpaulin covered boxes.

CUT TO:

INT. A COSY BRITISH PUB - NIGHT

The three walk back into the bar.

MIKE And once we've got his pin number we can split the money three ways and South America here we come.

Suddenly the door into the pub is smashed off it's hinges. A crazed almost vampire looking figure, covered in blood stands in the doorway.

VLAD BALOWSKI Hello everybody, time to play! I want to drink your blood.

MIKE, NEIL & VYVYAN Oh no, it's Vlad Balowski, the mass murderer who has just escaped from prison.

VLAD BALOWSKI (Liverpool accent to camera)
Alright la. You know it's funny isn't it. I murdered my entire family because all they ever used to go on about was the four blokes who used to live in Uncle Jerzei's house. The 'young ones' did this,
the 'young ones' did that. None of them ever seemed to care that I had a deep seated abandonment complex.
None of them ever talked about me.
Well not in a nice way anyway.
That's why I ripped out their throats one by one and did a tap dance as they bled to death, even though I can't dance and I didn't have any taps that fitted properly.
It's funny though, I don't feel that sort or hatred against animals - although saying that I went to the headquarters of the RSPCA the other day - the place is tiny -
there wasn't even enough room to swing a cat. So I stamped on it's head instead. Now imagine my surprise to find three of the causes of my inexplicable pain in the same place at the same time. You know there's only one other person that I hate more than them... and that's that Cliff Jesus arse licking Richard. (Eastern European accent)
Hello boys, Vlad is here to play.
We will play gentle games yes?
Scrabble with words, or Monopoly with money or Operation with my bear hands where I will rip out your internal organs! Just a minute, there are only 3 quarters of my life-times pain in front of me. Where is the annoying pseudo anarchistic little so and so, let me think, what was his name... Ah yes... Prick!

Rick suddenly bursts through the trapdoor waving an AK-47.

RICK Will you utter bastards stop calling me Prick!

He sprays the room with gunfire. Paintings shatter, the windows shatter, ornaments etc. Even the glasses that the customers are holding shatter - however after a good 30 seconds of gunfire it is obvious that no-one has been hit.

VYVYAN Phew that was close.

Vyvyan has a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead.

MIKE Uh Vyvyan?

VYVYAN Yes Michael.

MIKE Um. Nothing.

ZOOM INTO THE HOLE IN VYVYAN'S FOREHEAD

INT. INSIDE VYVYAN'S HEAD - NIGHT

A CONTROL ROOM WITH SPG AT THE HELM. THERE ARE THREE SCREENS IN FRONT OF HIM. THE MIDDLE SCREEN SHOWS WHAT VYVYAN CAN SEE.
SCREEN ON THE LEFT IS VYVYAN DRESSED AS A DEVIL AND SCREEN ON THE RIGHT IS VYVYAN AS AN ANGEL.

SPG Buggeration pal, that shot could have caused major damage. Another inch to the left and it could have taken out the brain!

VYVYAN DEVIL That deserves a damn good kick in the goolies. Go on challenge him to a bollock kicking competition and make sure we go first.

VYVYAN ANGEL Oh no, the good book says that two wrongs don't make a right. It says turn the other cheek, love thy neighbor, forgive those who trespass against us. You should not kick him in his dangly bits - Take the gun off him and use it to batter his poncy, spotty little brain in...

INT. A COSY BRITISH PUB - NIGHT

NEIL Oh wow, that's just great. I suppose I'll have to clear all this mess up won't I. Thanks P...

Neil thinks better using the 'P' word.

NEIL (CONT'D)
Uh, Rick.

MIKE I always had a suspicion that you were the kind of bloke that would shoot too soon, and I was right!

RICK Bugger. Missed.

VYVYAN Now Now Rick me old mate. Calm down. I'm trained in these situations. Give me the gun or I'll kill you.

Rick hands Vyvyan the gun. Vyvyan immediately smacks Rick over the head with it.

Suddenly there is a very bright light outside the pub. It is almost as if God himself has arrived. The light shines through the windows and there is the sound of angels singing.

We see a figure illuminated from behind that could be Jesus with a halo standing in the doorway. The figure steps into the room.

CLIFF Uh, Hi guys. I seem to be a bit lost. Can anyone give me directions to Barrow Gurney?

RICK (screaming)
Oh my lordy lordy lord - It's Cliff Richard!

CLIFF Oh cripes, it's my flipping stalker.

VLAD BALOWSKI Cliff Richard and The Young Ones,
now that's what I call music! You will all die together yes?

CLIFF Hey, chill out people. It looks like the weather has gotten the better of all of us tonight.
Perhaps I should lighten the moment with a song. Does anyone happen to have a guitar.

The guys look towards the broken guitar that Vyvyan used to smash Felicity over the head with.

CLIFF (CONT'D)
Hey, not to worry.

Cliff walks over and touches the guitar and it miraculously becomes whole again. He picks it up and starts to play Mistletoe and Wine. After a few lines everyone joins in.

CLIFF (CONT'D)
The child is a king, the carollers sing, the old has passed, there's a new beginning. Dreams of santa,
dreams of snow, fingers numb, faces aglow. Christmas time, mistletoe and wine , children singing Christian rhyme, with logs on the fire and gifts on the tree, A time for rejoicing in all that we see. A time for living, a time for believing, A time for trusting, not deceiving.
Love and laughter and joy ever after, ours for the taking, just follow the master. Christmas time,
mistletoe and wine, children singing Christian rhyme. With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree,
A time for rejoicing in all that we see. A time for giving, a time for getting, A time for forgiving and for forgetting. Christmas is love,
Christmas is peace, A time for hating and fighting to cease.
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine,
Children singing Christian rhyme,
with logs on the fire and gifts on the tree. A time for rejoicing in all that we see

The bar is full of love and everyone is hugging and kissing each other - they are all full of Christmas spirit.

VLAD BALOWSKI You know Cliff, when I saw you I wanted to drink your blood, now I just want to drink in the spirit of Christmas, you truly are the son of God!

CLIFF Hey Vlad, it's what I do.

EVERYONE Merry Christmas everybody.

Suddenly the trap door to the cellar bursts open and Felicity jumps up holding two AK-47.

FELICITY KENDAL Merry Christmas you mother fu...

The sound of swearing is drowned out by gunfire.

EVERYONE Oh Bollox!

EXT. THE GOOD LIFE GARDEN - DAY

The young ones are in the suburban garden of Tom and Barbara.
Neil is Barbara and Rick is Tom. They are shoveling manure.
Tom (Rick) accidentally heaves a shovel-full over the fence.
Jerry (Mike) appears covered in manure, closely followed by Margo (Vyvyan) who is holding her nose.

TOM I say old man, awfully sorry and all that.

JERRY Not to worry old boy, these things happen. It could have been worse, I could have had my mouth open.

TOM No Jerry old man - you miss understand me, I'm not sorry about covering you in dung, I'm sorry for you for marrying that miserable frigid man-woman!

MARGO How dare you!

TOM You can dare me as much as you like - and believe me I wouldn't - not even with his!

Tom points to Jerry's knob.

JERRY Now steady on old man...

TOM Are you having a laugh?

JERRY Not you Tom - I mean Margo! Ha Ha!

BARBARA Oh come on you three, we've got tons more pooh to shift and it would be really great if we could like get it sorted!

MARGO Shut up you girl.

Margo (Vyvyan) walks over to Barbara and smashes her over the head with a shovel.

CLOSE UP ON NEIL'S FACE AS HE COMES OUT OF HIS DREAM AND REALIZES THE SHOOTING IS STILL GOING ON.

A PUB ON A REMOTE MOOR - NIGHT

WE SEE AN EXTERNAL SHOT OF THE PUB. MUZZLE FLASHES SHOW THROUGH THE WINDOWS. THE DOOR TO THE PUB BURSTS OPEN. RICK,
MIKE, VYVYAN AND NEIL RUN OUT.

RICK (crying)
We can't leave Cliff in there,
he'll get shot to blimmin bits!

Cliff suddenly appears (as if by magic) stood next to Rick.

CLIFF Don't worry about me Rick, I really am the son of God. Anyone need a lift out of here?

Cliff whistles and we hear the sound of sleigh bells. Santa arrives on his sleigh.

SANTA Where to boss?

CLIFF Anywhere but here.

They all pile on the sleigh but just as Cliff is about to climb on SPG jumps out of Vyvyans pants and nuts him out cold and the sleigh takes off without him.

SANTA Thank Christ for that - bloody do gooder. Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas!

The sleigh takes off and we see it's outline across the moon.

EVERYONE Merry bloody Christmas you bastards.