Grandmother Convention

The Eleventh Hokage

By Fairy Chipper

Disclaimer is located at the end of this chapter.

There is a generations-old institution call the senior citizens retirement center.

There is one in just about every town and the village hidden in the leaves, Konohagakure no Sato, was no different.

This particular retirement center hosts such activities such as weekly bingo games, yoga and tai chi classes, aquatic exercise, and even the occasional dinner and ballroom dance. Every Friday at 11:00 A.M., the center's leadership committee holds a potluck. Like dozens of other senior citizen centers, these potluck events are both a get-together of old friends and an intense competition that would make any Iron Chef quit out of fear. The stakes were high and the competition most vicious. Especially when the competitors are the things that even the most jaded mugger fear. Old kunoichi are the most vicious creatures in the universe.

"Ino-chan, try the deviled eggs. I used a new sauce that is all the rage in the capital," suggested a pinked hair former medic-nin turned grandmother.

"They are quite good, Sakura-chan, almost as good as the red potato and marinated three bean salad grown fresh from my gardens with an edible flower garnish," replied a blond lady who once bounced the current head of the Torture and Interrogation Unit on her knee.

"What about this cheese spread? It is from a unique goat species in Iwa raised in a monastery and has the faint aftertaste of nuts, currants, and honey," pushed Tenten at she pull out a platter from her bag.

"I have a platter of Suna date desserts that are just to die for," interrupted Temari.

"Here are sa-sa-some cinnamon-chocolate rolls with marshmallow fillings made fresh," muttered a paled eye matriarch with an all too familiar stutter.

There were suppressed gowns as the smell of paled eye lady's legendary desert filled the room. The other ladies looked at one another and silently communicated:

No Ino, no poisoning Hinata, otherwise...

Can we at least pray for her to choke on a bun, Sakura?

Agreed, Tenten, Temari?

Definitely, Ino. Let us pray, Oh great Buddha, please release our dear friend Hinata from this life and reunite her with our beloved orange dobe by making her choke on a cinnamon bun. Amen.

Just because these ladies were retired from the ranks of Konoha's active shinobi did not mean that they now believed in being mellow. Instead of competing with taijutsu, they now cooked and knitted and went into those fuddy duddy activities that all grandmothers seem to do. Even a game of shuffle board meant mortal danger to any bystander.

Hanabi Sarutobi and Meogi Mitokado came into the room with a scroll.

"Oneechan (Sisters), we got it…it took a little convincing but the puppy dog eyes still work," Hanabi announced.

"…Or was it the combination with bouncy technique?" hinted Meogi.

We married geriatric perverts, agreed the women, but they are our geriatric perverts.

Tenten pushed her way forward, "Let's see it."

Hanabi opened up a document.

On top was a big red stamp that proclaimed the document 'Top Secret'.

The sight would send shivers of fear or excitement up one's spine.

However, after a decades-long career of dealing with the most sensitive of village secrets, the red stamp was ignored. They were the power behind the village and if their husbands and children disagreed with them…Well, a group of grandmothers who knows everyone's dirty laundry can persuade even the most stuck up male that they better agree with wife or mother or else! The power of baby photographs and obnoxious hand knit sweaters is a great and terrible power. Jonin who go to their kage's office daily begging take on an S-Class mission could not stand up to grandma's photo of them when they believe that wearing women's underwear on the head was cool.

The grandmothers read the contents. Their will prevailed again and so today the husbands and kids would be spared.

After tea it was time to come to an agreement. They had to flex their power so that the young ones do not start thinking that the grandmothers were getting soft in the head.

It was time to embarrass the grandkids again.

"Ladies, do you have the sweaters and hats."

Brightly colored hats and matching sweaters were held up in the air.

Two of them were particularly well-coordinated. With two of the graduating grandkids being fraternal twins, Grandma Sakura made extra obnoxious sweaters that matched.

The winner, whose grandkids had the rosiest faces at the end of the day.

Classroom 20-183

Konoha's Ninja Academy Advanced Studies Complex

If you asked the students what is the most vicious or sickening thing they witnessed in the Academy, there would be different answers.

A few would cite the human anatomy class where prospective medic-nins learn the parts of the human body by performing autopsies on victims of fire and bloated corpses found in swamps.

Some would say the spars between Kiba Inuzuka and Saiko Momochi that required a squad of medic nins on standby due to the fact that these two boys detest one another.

Others would say the way that Maiko Hyūga grazes the protective cups of boys with thrown kunai.

But the overwhelming answer was the way that Akamaru Inuzuka and Maiko Hyūga worked together on a psychological-physical torture campaign against their rivals while attempting to hunt down Takeo Hakate and get him to pick which girl is his true love.

Not since the days of the Haruno-Yamanaka fights over a duck-butt haired Uchiha was the campaign over a boy so vicious. It seemed that fate decreed that the granddaughters of Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka would feud over a boy who wanted nothing to do with them. The only difference was that these two were vicious ninja fangirls who also religiously practiced their skills and were not afraid to pull out all the stops. It seems that their grandmothers trained the pair too well. Superhuman ground shattering punches versus gentle fist used to be an all too common occurrence until the academy instructors had standing orders to never pin these girls against one another in a spar again in an effort to keep the dojo repair bills down.

However, Saiko Momochi looked at the shrieking Inuzuka and mentally commented to himself that there was nothing more horrid than having to deal with the 'shrieking duo' for the rest of his life. There was no way that Takeo Hakate, Saiko's asshole buddy, would pick either harpy. Hell, there was no way he would even think of playing wingman with either one of those two to save Takeo. Friends may ask friends to join them on a suicidal S-class mission, but not playing wingman to those things. They may be the physically hottest girls in the class, but no amount of beauty can cover up the ugliness in their souls.

"Are they…" buzzed the earpiece in his right ear.

"Ama (bitch) and Chichi (tits) are shrieking their devotion to you again. Do us a favor and convince your two fan girls to take a vow of silence. I kind of like to be able to not have to wear ear plugs to protect my hearing." Saiko whispered into his cuff microphone.

Takeo wisely was hiding just outside and planned to pop in at the last second. By then the instructor would call for silence, perform roll call, and get the exam on the road. Hopefully the two will fail the final exam or end up on another genin team. Saiko looked at the pair and felt sorry for the unlucky bastard who ended up with those two.

"Ok, Saiko-kun…Can you tell us where is Takeo-kun? We miss him."

The Maiko Hyūga could pull up that honey voice, but Saiko knew her tricks.

Maiko leaned over, letting him have a peek at her chest wrappings under her shirt as if she was the hottest thing in the multiverse. He did not bother since she never quite master the seductive art of wrapping her ample chest with just the minimum amount of cloth. Besides it was more like the wrapping of a mummy. Despite, sporting a pair of legendary Hyūga mammary glands, there was no visible flesh to feast his eyes upon.

Maiko let her right index finger graze his chest. If she was not a vicious Hyūga, one would believe himself lucky to have a girl lazily trail her finger across his chest. However, Saiko knew that finger was a threat. One touch and she could literally stop his heart or cause his bowls to explode most violently. The bulging veins on her temples told Saiko that she activated her byakugan.

Cannot lie to a Hyūga. They can spot a lie. However, if you tell half a truth…

"I do not know where he is exactly, but when I went over to his place last night, he said that he was planning to sleep in until the last-minute."

It was true.

Saiko Momochi did not know which window Takeo would pop in from and Takeo told him that so that he would have something to repeat. Having a best friend with the same bloodline taught Saiko how to work around its legendary lie detection properties. Maiko looked at him with the glare of impeding doom that would even excite old man Hiashi Hyūga.

"Truth…I guess that you live one day longer, Saiko-kun. Tell Takeo that I will not be one of those psycho-obsessive wives and will allow him to have an old male friend visit once in a while. You can be the best man at our wedding."

"What do you mean your wedding, Maiko-chan. You will be the bridesmaid at Takeo and my wedding. Saiko-kun is not all that ugly, Maiko-chan, and maybe afterwards you could catch the bouquet and get married to the best man," snarled Akamaru.

"Why would anyone want to marry a girl named after a dog…"

"Why…the dog was a hero," snarled the Inuzuka. "Takeo-kun is coming in and I will meet him at the gate."

With that announcement the pair went to the school yard to wait for their Takeo-kun.

There was no way in hell he would date let alone mate or marry something so obsessive. The loser marrying the best man. The thought of getting him being the consolation prize…the agony.

"Dude, thank you. I thought that they would never leave," said Takeo as he slipped in through the window. "Is it me or is Cousin Maiko getting crazier?"

Saiko looked at this buddy, "You owe me big time for this one. Anymore girls like that in your life and I will seriously think of going gay. Getting man-meat up your bum can't hurt as much as that. Your cousin is creepy and not in the sexy creepy way that gothic Lolita stripper was."

Saiko pulled out a couple sepia toned photographs of the stripper in question. She was wearing an old fashion civilian school uniform on the verge of falling off, holding a parasol and a creepy porcelain doll. The next photograph showed the clothing slipped off and has a signature and phone number.

"Dude, that is not funny. How did you get that hottie's digits when all I get is that?" asked Takeo.

Saiko slipped the photo back into the hidden pockets in his sleeves and replied, "Virtue, my dear friend, virtue. And yes, it is a she…I did the downtown finger test."

Takeo slammed his face down on the desk.

"I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. Damn, why can I hold the physical transformation technique like you. Can I smell it?"

"Cause you cannot survive the two drink minimum and get your ass tossed out. You are a lightweight when it comes to sake. I keep telling you to stick to beer. Besides sniffing these juice-coated fingers will cost you…"

"I was going to invite…"

"500-ryo on the grandmas will get together when school lets out and haze you all. Besides, I am already invited to your graduation party. Somebody got to be your wingman and keep the other girls away so you can pick between Ama and Chichi. Or are you going to earn your harem badge by scoring with both?"

Takeo's pale eyes looked into Saiko's eye with the haunted look of a doomed man.

"Dude, it is not funny. Every time, I approach a girl they run away because Ama and Chichi make them fear for their lives. I could not even get to first base let along third. Hell with those two on me, even Tetsuo Akimichi will cash in his V-card long before I could get a chance. I would kill to switch places with you."

The feeling of impending doom erupted into a nightmare.

"Who are you calling Ama and Chichi! And which whore was third base?"

Saiko did not even have to look behind him to know that fate rained doom on their doomed heads.

There was a sense of doom that not even a legendary S-Class ninja could summon. It was time to set a new land speed record. The pair bolted, ducking and weaving over and under class mates and desks in a well-practiced and choreographed manner. All they had to do was make it out the door and split up. He hoped that they would focus on molesting his pal and not attempt knock him out and stomp him in the ribs like last time.

Please catch Takeo…please catch Takeo.

If they catch Takeo first he would be able to escape. Unfortunately, Maiko Hyūga inherited her grandmother Tenten's throwing skills and hit them both with a boomerang on the back of their heads. Saiko's world went black as his head exploded in pain.

"Are you okay, Saiko-kun?" asked the angel in a mesh shirt and miniskirt.

It was a vision of heaven. Violet eyes and purple hair. A smile that was both loving and mischievous. Even the view of neon green and hot pink striped panties.

Forget the stripper - I want more of this...

Saiko reached up towards her outstretched arm and pulled himself up. He then fell face first into her chest, quickly drew in a breath and back off, muttering several apologies as if it were an accident.

Saiko looked down at his shoe and he categorized the pain signals running through his body. The duo stomped him in the ribs. Breathing hurts, but it seems that they did not break the ribs this time. Thankfully, the athletic cup he wore protected his little Momochi from taking any damage. It is one of the smart habits that all too many male ninjas forget. Nothing hurt like the gentle fist to the mommy and daddy button.

"No problem, you were just a little dizzy, Saiko-kun. I know that you are a good boy and loyal friend, but why do you insist on protecting Takeo when he does something perverted," asked Keiko Umino, one of the teacher's aides.

"You taught us that one who does not protect his precious people is lower than trash, Umino-sensei. I must help my friend not matter the odds or cost."

She smiled at him, "Please, call me Keiko-senpai. Umino-sensei sounds like you are talking to my grandfather."

Keiko bent over as she reached down toward Saiko. By doing so, he got to see the money shot view that made him wish to be her baby so he could suck on those glorious tits. If he ever had kids with the goddess in front of him, he would be fighting with his kids for his share of those milk shake dispensers. Maybe if he died, he could be reincarnated as her kid. If so, he prayed that she will breastfeed him until he was eighteen.

"I am only an instructor in training. I am sorry that you have to protect Takeo. I promise to take you out for your favorite, beef teppanyaki for lunch."

Keiko then hugged him pressing his face into her 16-year-old chest.

"What about me," asked Takeo.

Keiko looked down at him like he was the most perverted creature since the legendary Toad Sennin Jiraiya, "Maiko-chan and Akamaru-chan are more than willing to help you back to your desk. Ask them for help."

The pair slowly made their way back up to their assigned desk.

"Dude," asked Takeo, "How are you so…"

"Virtue, Takeo. Virtue and the respect for the virtue of all women."

"Virtue my ass. You are more perverted than a swinger's convention. You are just lucky you have not yet got caught. Dude, I so hate you now. Can I sniff the finger," asked Takeo.

"Nope, besides forget about that stripper, Keiko-sempai titties are so much better…," Saiko mused, remembering the scent of Keiko Umino's bossom.

Every growing boy needed a bosom for a pillow and Keiko's was just the right size. And she was not scary creepy despite the ever present snake on her shoulder.

"You are hopeless. Keiko-senpai is way older than you and once she finds out, you will be fed to the snakes."

"Two years only. Anyways, at least it beats getting your soul sucked dry by the twin harpies over the next 60 years."

Takeo took one last look at his best friend and wished him well, "I am so going to laugh at you when you get those two on your team."

"Don't even think of jinxing me or I will make sure that you and Gairo Lee will be the next gossip couple in Konoha."

"Dude, don't even go there," Takeo warned. "The only thing those girls, and I use the term loosely, very loosely, love more than chasing me was if they could somehow make their yaoi (boy-on-boy love) fantasies true."

The Hokage's Office

There were no real surprises with regard to the current crop of graduates from Konoha's advance studies detachment. Each one excelled and passed their initial genin exam at twelve. After six month's fieldwork, several genin were then selected for two further years of advance training instead of remaining with the traditional team setup. This system allowed Konoha to train more specialists and focus on developing future leaders. It was rare for anyone to wash out at this point. Processing these graduates was more of a formality.

Konohamaru Sarutobi, the 8th Hokage, watched on as his successor and former genin-student, Jiraiya Uzumaki, the newly instated 9th Hokage, read his recommendations.

"Why is Saiko Momochi in an all-girl team?" asked the newly instated hokage.

Konohamaru closed his eyes and cleared his throat before answering, "As you know, Ryota Aburame, Takeo Hatake, and Saiko Momochi proven they are strong leaders and fighters when they defeated two A-class missing nins, complete their mission, and bring back the corpse of their examiner. If we do not split them up, two of them will not develop their leadership skills, since they will defer to the third. Therefore once we split them, the breakdowns just occurred naturally."

Konohamura pointed towards the chart.

"First, we have a traditional Nara, Akimichi, Yamanaka capture and intelligence squad. They have already been trained by their clans and their time in advanced studies only make them more effective. Since the previous N-A-Y squad is being pulled into ANBU, the new N-A-Y squad will be replacing their cousins.

"After that, every remaining team needs a heavy hitter, someone about to throw around combat ninjutsu and brawl with the enemy to buy the others times to regroup or provide long range support. Takeo and Saiko are our two heavy hitters – good with combat ninjutsu, weapons, and taijutsu with ample chakra reserves to spam out attacks. Kiba Inuzuka and Gairo Lee are taijutsu specialists, but do not yet have the charkra reserves or depth of ninjutsu techniques that Takeo and Saiko currently have. The other genin are gengetsu, intelligence or medic-nin specialists."

Jiraiya rubbed his sore cheek.

Sparing with his cousin Hizashi this morning only showed that he needed a little less time in the office and more time in the dojo. It did not help that Hizashi was talented like their grandfather, Hiashi Hyūga and Hizashi's father, the legendary Uncle Neji. Jiraiya could beat his cousin in a spare, but it required ninjutsu, preparing the dojo with fūinjutsu, going into sage mode, using the Senpo: Chō Ōdama Rasengan, Hizashi being on his deathbed, and the right set of planetary alignments.

Hizashi always kicked his ass in pure gentle fist spar. The only one more deadly was his grandfather Hiashi. One more eight trigrams mountain crusher and Jiraiya would have been splattered over the dojo. Thankfully, Jiraiya's cousin and Leaf's current spy master was smart enough to not risk being the next hokage by splattering the current hokage all over the Hyūga family dojo.

Besides, there is an issue of bloodline compatibility and genetic diversity. Sixty percent of female ninja marry a teammate. Jiraiya was a case in point. He married his teammate Yoko Nara a few months after the pair barely survived a Class-B turn Class-S mission. Sharing life and death experiences with an attractive girl lead to more than one accidental pregnancy and marriage. The memory of Shikamaru Naru when he had to tell the old man that he got Yoko pregnant still scared him.

There was no way Maiko Hyūga cannot be put with Takeo Hatake since they are cousins and too close genetically. Not even the Hyūga clan back in the day would condone such a close marriage. Grandpa Hiashi would fry his ass. Just because grandpa was a master in gentle fist did not mean that he did not know other tricks. Being the only living student of the legendary Toad Sage Jiraiya meant that Hiashi also learned his fair share of ninjutsu.

The one time as a kid that Jiraiya called out his grandfather to an ninjutsu contest was quite an educational experience. The memory of a Water Release: 1000 Years of Death with enema going up his then virginal arse taught Jiraiya Uzumaki that just because no one alive remember grandpa using a jutsu, does not mean that he could not use one in a most inventive manner to show an uppity grandson that there was a reason that Jiraiya's two predecessors feared the old man.

Likewise, one could not put siblings on the same team so Kiba and Akamaru Inuzuka have to be split up. The Inuzuka twins unknowingly carried the recessive markers for the sharingan which make any mating with any carrier of the byakugan bloodline undesirable since their dojutsu will clash. Therefore, Maiko Hyūga and Akamaru Inuzuka can only be paired with Saiko Momochi. Besides, sticking either of the girls with Takeo Hatake will only increase their fan girl tendencies. Jaraiya and Hizashi had escaped their fair share of fan girls and knew better than to give those girls any more encouragement.

Jiraiya examined the team make-ups one last time, suppressed a groan of pain, and then stamped the offending paperwork with his official seal.

At least this one is over. Three more stacks to go.

The new hokage looked at the paperwork piled up on his desk and calculated his free time. The wife was going to pull out the frying pan and beat him over the head tonight. Well, that is what he gets for marrying a Nara.

"How did you and father ever manage to tame this beast? It multiplies like bunnies on Viagra and fertility pills."

Konohamaru laughed, "That is why so many kages wished for a war so they have an excuse to go out and die in battle. You not only get to be a hero, avoid the complications of old age, but also you get to stick the paperwork on your worst foe. Every kage has his or her own style of battle when it comes to Kage paperwork. Find yours or tell Hizashi that he is stuck on paperwork duty and sneak off to battle before he yanks you back. Your father laughed when he dropped the paperwork on me. Now it is my turn to laugh at you."

"Could you?" the new hokage pleaded.

Konohamaru shook his head.

"No, my old student. Use the power of your mind and your powers of observation. You will find the answer is closer than you may think. Don't worry. I will do you a favor. I will be dropping that stack of paper for the academy for you and get your mother and her friends off your back today. Besides, Hanabi and I got to take Takeo out to lunch. The party is at seven and there is an open bar until two."

Jiraiya looked at the paperwork multiplying at the disk and frowned wondering how despite an office full of chūnin and jōnin to sort through and take care of all the paperwork, how so much paper makes it up to the desk.

Konohamaru interrupted the new hokage, "Oh, don't frown or act like you have that stick up your ass or you will end up looking like a constipated version of your uncle, Neji, or grandfather, Haishi. Remember, life may be full of shit, but you have to always look on the bright side of life."

Jaraiya motioned for his predecessor to leave as he reached for the budget report.

Konohamaru turned around with a smile and literally skipped out the door whistling Look at the bright side of life.

But not before holding the door open for the new secretary bringing in a new wheelbarrow full of 'urgent paperwork'

The answer to Jiraiya's complaint was close at hand.

Konohamaru taped a copy of the kage bushin scroll under the bottom left desk drawer. It was the statistically calculated last place that a right hander like Jaraiya Uzumaki will look. It had been years since he pulled of a great prank but he still had not lost his touch. The only question was how long he would let his successor and nephew suffer before reminding him about the virtues of the shadow clone.

His nephews, Jiraiya Uzumaki and Hizashi Hyūga, both caused him grief when they were young. Those two pranksters had thier own filing cabinets listing every prank they pulled. Thankfully, all Konohamaru had were well behaved daughters whose pranking careers where more psychological rather than the grandiose physical pranks the boys pulled. Now the boys thought they grew up and now wanted to be big shots. Let them deal with all the paperwork from the next generation of pranksters. Chaining a new victim to the vicious Triple-S-class foe dubbed paperwork is only the beginning.

Five Hours Later

Yoshinoya's Beef Teppanyaki

Beef teppanyaki never tasted so good.

One, you could never go wrong with beef teppanyaki. Two, he was eating with her…the sexiest assistant instructor in the school. The only way it could be better was if Keiko-senpai was going to give him the talk, a practical demonstration, cash in his V-card, and agree to be his nymphomaniac girlfriend. However, just being able to put his face in her boobs this morning and get away with was beyond awesome. If only he can get knocked out more often. Too bad he had to think about the two harpies to keep the little Momochi from standing at attention and calling attention to his innermost thoughts. There was only so much room in an athletic cup before started moving.

"What are your dreams, after the academy and all," she asked.

"I want to make my team be the best team since the Rookie 12."

It was a good answer, one of a half-dozen that he had prepared carefully. It presented him as both a team player and a leader. Four years ago, he would be an incoherent mess. However, his foster sister's fiancé, taught him the secret to getting girl…fake confidence but mix in a little humility.

Besides, if any girl knew what you really are…shut up. I am here with Keiko-senpai and nothing…nothing will screw this up.

He carefully focused on her face as she spoke, careful to keep up eye contact.

Nod politely. Agree. Mirror the targets movements and facial gestures. If forced to disagree, do so courteously. Keep her talking about herself and her dreams. Remember, women seduce men and seduce themselves into thinking they love a man. They are never seduced by men useless they seduce themselves. Make her fall in love with herself and she will fall in love with you.

The books on human psychology used in the academy are full of the brown stuff that makes plants grow. It is the sales books that taught a young boy well. How to Convince Anyone in 90 Seconds and The Psychology of Persausion should be required reading for any aspiring ninja. By following the instructions, Saiko could convince anyone to believe almost anything. If he did this, he would never be lonely, never be alone, and never have to face a world again where no one cared. As long as he was perfect, they would love him. The moment he slips up and falls, the horde would be on him like a pack of ravenous wolves on a paralyzed flock of sheep.

Saiko remembered being a slave in the Hidden Mist and later a penniless street urchin. He was the son of a slave and her master. The master died too early and he was cast out since a sick slave and accompanying offspring was worthless. He remembered begging, combing through trash cans, stealing bread, clothing, and a piece of discarded sail cloth to use as a shelter. He watched helplessly as his mother grew sicker and sicker with the wasting illness.

By the time, Konoha nin found him and his mother in Wave, it was too late. Despite the best medicine, despite the hourly prayers to the merciful Buddha, despite him being a good boy so the gods would hear his prayer, it was too late. He watched his mother dry up into a shell. In the end, she did not know who he was. Despite the pain medications, mother screamed in pain cursing him because he looked like his father. The one thing in the world that was supposed to love him hated him. He failed to be what his mother wanted and so his mother did not love him anymore.

Why did he want to become a ninja?

Power.

Ninjas are powerful. Ninjas do not have to beg and plead for rotting scrapes of food. As long as you accomplice the mission, anything was permissible as long as it did not make its way onto the mission report. He would no longer have to crawl through the shit of humanity begging for his own existence. No more begging gods who do not bother to hear the prayers of those who they leave in the gutter. Saiko Momochi was a person and he would be a person who the gods learn to fear.

No…

No more gloating. He had to focus on charming Keiko so she would not find out his imperfections.

She was the dangerous one. She was an expert at reading others from her time working in interrogation. She knew when he was near the breaking point. He just had to hold together just a few more minutes. He tossed the small piece of meat to the ever-present Miss Cuddles, Keiko's highly poisonous, yet intelligent pet snake and let the snake lick his hand. It is part of snake etiquette to always share a little meat. That way they are less likely to bite you.

Keiko hugged him and wished him luck on the practical phase of the examinations.

Saiko had won another round in the impress Keiko-hime game and was mentally exhausted.

Contrary to what many believed, he was not an extrovert, but rather an introvert who learned how to wheel and deal because his life depended upon it. He wanted to curl up, cry, and sleep after dealing with people, but he could not. If he was too quiet, the psychological ninja would pull him out for a reevaluation. If that happen, everyone would know that he was not one of them and start pulling away.

No, act as you are instructed and audience will not be able to decide where the role ends and the actor begins.

The Academy

Saiko looked out the windows as the other kids raced out of the building to show their new hitai-ate to their families. They spent hours buffing it out until it shined in the sun.

Pride.

It was the mother of all sins and the cause of death of many ninja.

A bright shiny hitai-ate told the enemy where you were and who you were. Outside formal functions, most jonin and chunin deliberately scuffed their hitai-ate to a matte pewter grey or even painted it a more camouflage friendly color. Some even forego wearing it unless they absolutely have to. Since the protocals required it, but he was a ninja and cheating was as natural as breathing.

He decided to do the same. It was not like he had any real family to be proud of him.

Sure he had his foster family. However, his foster-mother, Ringo, was teaching a procedure at the hospital and his foster sister,Rumi was doing her clinical rounds and earning her medic-nin instructor's certification. They would be home in time to head over the graduation party, but he had a couple hours to kill.

He watched as grandmothers literally fell upon and inflicted the brightest, most obnoxious sweaters and hats on the graduates. The former students cringed over something that he once would have killed for as a child. A warm woolen sweater in the dead of winter meant you did not freeze to death. A warm knit hat was…

He could never understand why kids with so many blessing complain. If his mother would come back from the grave and give him a pair of ratty wool socks, he would gladly surrender his dignity just to know that she loved him enough to bring him a present.

Saiko turned around and looked instead at the bookshelves wondering if someday, future students would read a book about him. Would it be good or would it be an example of how a fake like him crashed and burned?

Five minutes later, he slipped out the back and headed home leaving his classmates to the tender mercies of their grandmothers.

Disclaimer: This is a Naruto fan fiction. While the author may temporarily appropriate the intellectual property of Mishashi Kishimoto, he does not claim any rights to anything save for his own original characters. He is not making any profit from the use of Kishimoto's creation. In addition, he is selectively picking and choosing elements and then altering some events in order to fit this story.

If it make any cannon fanatics happy, please kindly inform them that this is an alternate Naruto universe.

If any party does not like the departure from cannon, we caution that no party tries to sue the author since he has no assets to liquidate and the litigating party or parties may be stuck paying United States federal and state taxes on a judgment that is ultimately uncollectable since the author is quite adept on living on nothing but instant ramen and the occasional expired hotdog.

As for elements within this story, it is rated M. The author assumes that he is communicating with reasonable mature individuals that are not offended with coarse language, violence, or even sexual innuendo. There may be citrus and enough Vitamin C to cure a whole pirate fleet struck down with scurvy. If any party cannot tolerate such items or other mature topics, they are invited to click the back button on your web browsers and read the T- or K-rated stories on this sight. There are some good ones out there.

These warnings and disclaimers will apply to this and any succeeding chapters.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Atty. Jack Medoffen

Small, Whiteman, Johnson, LLP

Counsel for Fairy Chipper